THE GOOD BUCK

Well, that was terrible, but it seems to be over. I’ve had patches of giddy excitement and happiness. While I was barking my brain was depressed. I don’t mean I was sad, per se, but sluggish of brain. I couldn’t get excited or happy, I was just mentally weary and wanted to sleep. That’s another indicator, while I was loony I could (happily) nap all day and then sleep at night. Since I’ve got better my brain is whirring and I find it hard to sleep at night again. Also I’ve been looking, with intent, at bikes again. I even bid on one. The price went up slightly more than I was willing to pay, but I was in the game. I’ve had no problem motivating myself to go for runs and such. No more than my usual reluctance, anyway. It took 4 weeks. Worse than the 3 weeks I was expecting, but less than the 6 weeks the doctor said it could take. I’m just glad it worked. That was bloody horrible. In other news, I’ve had a letter from the heart people since November (about fitting a monitor to catch and diagnose a tachycardia event). I thought it said if they hadn’t contacted me by the 6th of January to ring them. I looked again, and it was actually the 1st of January, so I gave them a call. They were very reluctant to answer, but when I finally got through they said the letter I’d been sent was out of date, the waiting time is now around six months. While I was on the line she said she’d have a look to see if there had been any cancellations. She said it would probably be Halton hospital, as that was the busiest. She found one! This Thursday, at Warrington! How cool is that? My day off, 4 months early, and 2 miles away. Brilliant. I’ll get it fitted, guzzle some coffee, then go for a sprint. That should do the trick. I was worried about returning it after a few days (not sure when) but they said I can get someone else to do it. So if I’m working, Wendy can drop it off. Hopefully once they’ve got the data they can book me in to have the dodgy part of my heart fried, then I should be fixed. That would be such a massive improvement in my life. Then I could see about getting back on my sub 3 marathon quest, and get back to muay thai. And the fact that I am excited and optimistic and already making plans is further proof I’m back on the sanity express. Things are really, really looking up.

I’m struggling with this anxiety lark. I had two really good days just before my last blog and was thinking the pills were kicking in and it would be all plain sailing until full sanity. Nope. I’ve been anxious every day. Not good. I was doing OK with it, it was there but I was dealing with it. Then I took a wrong turning and drove into a busy customer car park. There was no room to spin it around so my anxiety was mounting, I turned down one of the car park lanes, hoping to get out at the top but there wasn’t enough room. I tried to turn, but I just couldn’t fit. I was stuck. My anxiety exploded into a full-on panic attack. For a quick moment that was it. I just couldn’t. I wanted to run away in terror. My mind was totally gone. I turned off the engine, put my head on the steering wheel and somehow got a grip. Once the panic passed the actual mechanics of reversing at 1mph across a busy car park, across multiple junctions with cars driving behind me and crossing me, was just terrible, not mind-numbing terror. One of the junctions had a few empty car parking spaces next to it which gave me just enough room to get to the end of the row, bump over a barrier with bushes in it, and escape back to the road. It was a genuinely stressful event, but this loony and the panic attack made it a thousand times worse. I’ve just had my 3 week pill. The doctor said up to 6 weeks for it to kick in, but I was really hoping, expecting,for it to have worked by now. Wendy was sane in 3 weeks. This sucks. Yesterday I had another duvet day. I got up, stared at my ‘phone, lay on the sofa and dozed, went to bed and dozed, watched some distracting TV then went to bed. I am relaxed while dozing. I can’t face doing anything. Today I made a bit of an effort. I got an 8 mile run, went to the doctors to order more loony pills and the chemist to pick up my statins, went shopping, and made tea. Not huge achievements, but vastly better than sleeping my life away. Still not got an SV650s. I could handle buying the bike, but I’m stressing over selling the Bonnie. And we’d need the money. I’ve got 3 days off to go. Hopefully the pills will have fully kicked in by my next shift.

Writing my last post I was a bit dismissive of the lunacy and I was just taking the pills to be on the safe side. I’ve had a rough ride since then. It has been bloody awful. So stressed that I’m shaking at work. I’ve been feeling so bad I just want to stay in bed, preferably asleep, all day. It’s the only time I’ve felt relaxed. I am so glad they gave me the pills. 3 weeks and I should be straight again. That’s 9 days more. Work is the worst time for it, so call it 6 more work days and I should be sane. I’ve not done anything except work, walk to the shop, and sit at home. No runs, not worked on my Harley, I have let a local (10 miles away) bike that I had my eye on get sold without even contacting them. I couldn’t face calling them, going to see it, collecting it, anything. This evening feels like the first sane and relaxed patch for ages. It has been bad. I’m basically writing December off and starting again in January. It’s weird to have zero motivation or drive. Normally I use one obsession to distract from another. A day off work where I’ve not ticked off a bunch of boxes on my to-do list seems like a waste of a day. Now I don’t want to do shit and I am not in the slightest restless or regretful having done nothing. Ah well. Get sane. Start again. Quick update: That was bloody rough. There were patches I didn’t know how I was going to get through. But… touch wood, the last 2 days have been OK. Yesterday I was at work and the anxiety was present but not overwhelming, today I’ve been off and apart from a bit of discomfort around the shops I was fine. I’ve just dropped my 15th pill so I’m 2 weeks in. Wendy said she noticed improvement from 2 weeks, fully cured by 3. I’m hoping I’m on an improving trajectory now. Ideally I won’t be any worse than the mild discomfort of today until there is nothing at all in a few days. I got a run today, did the washing, and walked to Sainsbury’s and then to Asda (not ideal just before xmas). The run was short (6 miles) slow (8.43 m/m pace) and hard work, but it wasn’t about the run, it was the fact that I got out of the house and wanted to do something. I’m really happy I felt able. Tomorrow I’m planning on another run and I might get back to work on my Harley. I am really, really, hoping I’ve turned the corner and it’s all getting better from here on in. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but it has felt interminable at times. When it was really bad the thought of weeks more of that was unbearable. The last few days have been comparatively great. I […]

I’ve gone barking mad. The last few weeks I’ve been constantly scrolling on my ‘phone, head down, refresh, refresh, refresh, avoiding runs and bike tasks. Then I noticed I was feeling low and emotional, like I wanted to cry. Then my stomach started getting knotted up with anxiety and I had a panic attack. I realise now that the desperate fixation on my ‘phone was a distraction mechanism. I was willing to deal with it up until the last symptom. I have the experience and the drills to deal with constant anxiety and emotional distress, but I defy anyone to accept living with panic attacks. Too horrible for words. That was over the weekend. On Tuesday, my first day off, I rang the doctors, they gave me an appointment with a real GP an hour later, and she gave me full dose loony pills. Apparently they can ease you into them with a trial of 10mg for weeks, which do nothing, then 20mg, leaving you loony for 3 months until they give you 50mg. This doctor, gawd bless ‘er, cut straight to the chase and started me on 50mg. It’s a weird to-do. The morning I went to the doctors I was fine and thought I might be wasting her time, then it hit me again. No, I was right to go. I need the pills. Anything I want to do is an effort and even doing nothing is stressful. Some of the time. Then it goes and I’m wondering if I made too much of a fuss about such a small matter. Then it comes back and it’s everything. Ah well, not my first rodeo. At least this time they are finally treating me. I’ve been told it takes about 3 weeks for the drugs to kick in, so I’m basically writing off December. I’ve already decided to focus on delayed positivity. I’ve booked next year’s local half marathon. From January, it’s going to be new year, new me. I expect work will drop off a bit, so I’m going to smash my training. Maybe set monthly goals and such to give me things to work towards. I’m working on the assumption that my missing mojo will return with my sanity. And enforced resting from running always makes me itch to get back to it. I was about to say it’s not so bad, but that’s why I’m doing this blog. It’s been bad all evening. I’ve come up to go to bed because I’ve had enough of it, then it went away again. So I’m blogging because I don’t want to sleep through the sane bits. I’m still back and forth on which bike I should get. That is more distraction mechanism than actual joy at the moment. Plus I’ve not been getting the 5 and 6 shifts I was expecting so it’s taking ages to build up sufficient funds. Just made an executive decision. I think I’ll go for the SV650. If I don’t like it I […]

The last month or two, since Wendy told me I was entitled to a lump sum army pension, and I should spend it on a nice bike, I’ve been on a journey. I was desperate for a modern sports tourer, like the Triumph Tiger Sport 660 or the Yamaha Tracer 900. But I looked into the stats and it’s marginal gains over an old Honda VFR750 and multiple times the price. Then my Triumph Bonneville started acting oddly in the wet and I knew it was time to move on. I saw a one owner, 12,000 miles, 1997 VFR750 for £2,250 and another with 20,000 miles but full stainless exhaust, and I’ve been flipping back and forth between them, as to which would be the perfect bike to have for the rest of my life. The catch was I didn’t have £2k. I’ve spent about 2 weeks fixated on getting my perfect VFR. Then suddenly, a few days ago, I thought that once I’d got it it would just be a boring, utilitarian, workhorse. The bubble of my obsession burst. I don’t know. I don’t make the rules. If I understood I’d be able to actually see which is the perfect bike for me, buy it once, and be happy for the rest of my life. Anyway, because I’m not a quitter, I soon found a new obsession bike. The Suzuki SV650s. It’s not that pretty and it’s only a 73bhp, but it’s a V twin so the power is instantly available, it has a fairing, they are renowned for being ridiculously agile through the bends, it’s 40 kilos (88 pounds, 6.29 stones!) lighter than the VFR. And it has fuel injection. Another biggie. And literally half the price. There’s one for sale now, 2004, 22k miles, for £1,100. For that kind of money I can definitely give it a go. The real kicker is the sound. Just listen to this. This was a guy who had just fitted the exhaust that’s on that particular bike. Oh wow, indeed. It’s not without it’s downsides. The engine and all the nuts and bolts are very exposed, so in the winter, with salt on the roads, it can quickly go furry or rusty. I’ll have to clean it and replace what I can with stainless. It’s only good for about 125 mph or so. And the suspension is budget. (The latter is a cheap fix with second hand bits from full-on sports bikes.) I’ve already done Sunday, Monday and Tuesday this week at work, if I get Friday and Saturday (the days I’m supposed to be available) that will be enough for me to buy the SV650s. I’ll also need to buy a rack and box and some heated grips. This could be the bike I learn to get my knee down on! It’s supposed to an absolute hoot to ride. MCN love it. Exciting times.