Twitter.

Right, I’m going to try and catch up. This could be quite a long entry. I’m going to omit the stuff on the Palestinian holocaust because it’s to awful. If you want to see pictures of babies blown in half, well, you need help.

And straight away I’m going to post something. Just in case you thought the “war” was an isolated incident. The percentage of Palestine that Israel occupied from 1947 to now, as translated to the UK.

And this, while it’s about the Israeli genocide of Palestinians, could be about anything and is my favourite banner of all time.

"don’t be sad" ok im better now thank u

Hangman is a game that teaches kids how to spell, that words can be fun, and that failure is punished with death.

Confused, #RToday. #Putin ‘created conditions for #MH17 by giving arms to rebels’ but #Cameron‘ll take no blame for how Russia uses UK arms?

I’m loving the birthday pics of Kate and Will and their lovely little boy George

The accidentally killed are just as dead as the intentionally killed.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, MOUTHS AGAPE, LUMINESCENT TONGUES LOLLING, KEENING WELCOME TO THE VOID BORN, SUNKEN HYMNS OPENING FORGOTTEN WAYS

Dog faints with ‘overwhelming joy’ when owner returns after two years away http://itv.co/1l1HK1n

Just like Tony Blair and New Labour was Thatcher’s ‘greatest achievement’ I’m sure Hitler, if asked today, would say same about Netanyahu.

When you complain about dropping your phone remember that there are people who are starving who’ll totally make you another one.

Why is it, when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she’s a slut. But when a guy does it, he’s gay?

MrsGod noted: It’s all very well having a son who can turn water into wine but that’s the third goldfish we’ve had to send to rehab . .

After MH370 and MH17 Malaysian Airlines may change its name. #Israel is considering changing its name also. To Mordor.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA,JOINING HANDS,WHISPERING THE FINAL WORDS AS ONE, RENDING THE VEIL,THEIR DEATHS GLEEFUL AS THE FLAYED MASTER EMERGES

I apologise for using the asexual-exclusionary term LGBTQI two tweets ago. I meant to say QUILTBAG.

"It’s never a good time to be hit by an asteroid." Dinosaur expert Richard Butler #r4today

This dog was left in this car on the hottest day of the year with no water or ventilation. It has both now

Barcodes that start 729  or 871 are Israeli. Tweeting to remind myself. #BoycottIsrael

WEATHER: Storms and flash floods hit the south of England affecting, presumably, the whole country.

That awkward moment when Satan is a perfectly acceptable option for your kids.

Incredible! This Man did the unthinkable to rescue a 400-kb #BlackBear! http://onegr.pl/1qHtlQ2

My favourite thing about feminists is their boobs.

FINANANCE: Lloyds bank guilty of defrauding taxpayer of ‘tens of billions of pounds.’ We ask, does YOUR neighbour have an empty bedroom?

i like my women curvy. lots and lots of curves. all curves. circular. fried. onion-filled. onion rings i like onion rings

Israel and the UK/US Governments, if its possible to radicalise an Atheist, you are doing a good job on me, you evil bastards.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country

Like when the IRA were bombing us and we blew up full hospitals and schools. Oh wait, no, we’re not fucking animals.

give a man a fish & he’s like, this fish is dumb. i hate this fish. give a man an xbox & he’s like sick i love playing fish simulator 2014

“In God We Trust,” and there’s your problem.

I’m confused. Why is it ‘Putin’s missile’ (w/o evidence) for #MH17,but not ‘Obama’s missile’ when civilians killed by US weaponry in #Gaza?

Daw! @twhiddleston‘s fan letter to @josswhedon is absolutely lovely. http://bit.ly/1tZfPol

BE SCARED: Is an African Ebola virus on it’s way to Britain? ‘The important thing is to panic in a racist manner’ say experts.

A phone battery that can be charged using the accumulated self righteous rage on Twitter™

More than 40% of Americans believe no action necessary on #climatechange because the Rapture is coming soon anyway http://magazine.good.is/articles/more-than-40-percent-of-americans-believe-the-rapture-is-coming …

WARNING A ‘cute little duckling’ scam is doing the rounds. RETWEET to warn others.

when people keep talking and you just wanna

I just need to eat healthy until I lose the weight of other people’s expectations.

.@Israel u guys ok ? I heard about what happened I’ve been worried

AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE! *Cap, Ironman, Hulk, Thor, and Hawkeye put together IKEA furniture while Black Widow tells them they’re doing it wrong*

Some bloke just spilled my pint. So, taking my lead from the Israeli govt, I"ve defended myself by killing him and his whole family.

Bit mean about her height. #closingceremony

The reason Israel is losing the propaganda war is that they are not killing enough people with camera phones. They need to up their game.

Grandad fought in the trenches n loathed the glorification of it and despised the arseholes who sent him away for 4 years to kill strangers.

..And at 10 o’clock Downing Street will dim the lights, illuminated only by the disco ball of politically expedient war celebration.

I never used my boobs as my avi to get followers. My big boobs. My big luscious boobs. Oops, dropped some ice cream on my big luscious boobs

If there’s one fence you don’t want to climb over, it’s this one:

It didn’t take Daniel long to work out that he had misread the sign.

I believe in self-improvement. For you, I mean.

The best part of living in a one-horse town is there are no jokes when it walks into a bar. EVERYONE knows about Mr Hoof’s drinking problem.

Autocorrect tried Borgia as a substitute for Boris. Autocorrect has a dry sense of humour sometimes.

Incredible sculpture:

My best mate is selling her car.. If you want a car, you might like it. She needs the money for gin and bingo

Ann Coulter wonders why Christians work so hard to help unfortunate people. I’m not sure who started that, but I think maybe it was Jesus.

OK, just the one. As she survived and is getting better. Still needs corrective surgery though. Israel’s “terrorists”

Cool pavement art.

(Surprisingly interesting read: ) Two races–run 60 years ago today–still stand as epitomes of the rewards and the risks of competitive running: http://bit.ly/X5yrbV

Track of ex hurricane Bertha.. Fuck sake, if it goes through London we’ll never hear the bastard end of it.

Monarchies hey :/

Almost certainly the best photo of a cat levitating, while another cat looks on, amazed.

This cat is not a fan of the Summer heat. The result is adorable.

A man on overground trying to drink an entire bottle of wine, spilling it down himself just told me, ‘I probably wouldn’t have sex with you’

(replies: )

‘probably’! So there’s still hope.

he should have at least offered you some wine to soften the devastating news :'(

 

Thank god for hourly selfies or we’d never know how your mom is doing in ICU.

Thanks @myhermes for delivering my parcel so it’s 20ft high stuck to the roof! Great care taken! #Hermes

barbecued some couscous. and in the process entirely incinerated my working class roots.

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola. Everyone: *Panic!* Scientists: Freak out about climate change. Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.

Call the wife beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice Call her fat once and she will never forget That’s because elephants never forget

I’m currently outside Wal-Mart sitting on the coin operated horse screaming "AT DAWN WE RIDE!" to anyone who walks by.

Church leaders DID warn gay marriage would lead to bestiality. BREAKING: Church leader arrested for bestiality http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/08/jerald-hill_n_5662462.html?cps=gravity …

Kevin McLoud on grand designs "it’s almost like the glass connects the interior with the exterior". No shit Kev.

My mother in law just complained that the dog "bit a security man in Tesco" and I heard in my head "just to watch him die".

HEALTH: A&E patients stranded for up to 8 hours ‘because NHS bosses are too busy voting Labour’ claims whistleblower.

Nerve cells have been found transforming into stem cells – inside teeth. http://news.sciencemag.org/biology/2014/07/unexpected-stem-cell-factories-found-inside-teeth …

Taxi (a service dog who looks out for 14-year-old Rachel Benke) made in into Rachel’s yearbook. I love this.

I love Mike Doyle’s ruined Victorian LEGO houses.

It’s cat day? On the internet? As opposed to the other 364 cat days?

Majestic pug

 

FRONT PAGE NEWS: Women has babies 9 months after getting pregnant by her husband. Meanwhile, in Iraq…

I’m so glad Tony Blair saved peace, overthrew fundamentalism and terror, protected women’s rights & brought democracy to Middle East.

Enjoying your morning brew?

Men…you can’t win. "Does my bum look big in this?" We women can smell fear on a man.

Funny how violence is *never* the answer when used by oppressed people, and *always* the answer when used by the state.

Okay, we never did find those WMD, but at least we helped bring a lasting peace to Iraq.

Drinking game: When the news comes on, start drinking. It’s probably the best coping mechanism.

While David Cameron is on holiday…

DEMOCRACY: Israel, Iraq or Ukraine? Cameron to offer public referendum on who we invade next if the Conservatives win the next election.

#MarkSimmonds resigned as MP cos the £323,246 he was paid in 2013 wasn’t enough. IDS says you can live on £53 a week. #AllInItTogether

The annual US aid to Israel in 2014 was $3.1 billion. Plus $504 million to the joint US-Israel Missile Program. That’s $9.9 million a day.

When Robin Williams appeared on ‘Inside the Actors Studio’, an audience member had to be hospitalised for a hernia brought on by laughter.

I’ve got some dynamite stuff ready for when Stewart Lee pegs it. Might have to kill him myself. Fed up of sitting on it for so long.

I came out as a gay teacher in a whole-school assembly in 2010. Today, 4 years later, I just received this email. Wow

Don’t know much about history Don’t know much biology Don’t know much about a science book Can I interest you in a #creationist pamphlet?

"I’m a level 5 vegan. I don’t eat anything that casts a shadow."

#NRA: "The only way to deal with a good black unarmed kid is a bad police force with guns"

America sends $9.9 million per day to Israel in ‘aid’. Yet, Detroit can’t get water. Massacring children more of a priority to Obama.

Sorry I recreated a scene from the Temple of Doom in your Ancient Egypt exhibit

"A beloved A-list star tragically takes his own life. How do we report this in a way which shows us to be massive bastards?" – UK Papers

Ah, spotted the problem here:

Gazing up at the Perseid meteor shower in the vast night sky reminds you how insubstantial you are compared to whatever you just drove into.

Don’t be fooled by the spelling, manslaughter is not in the least bit funny.

So I phoned IT. They said to try turning it off and on again, but I misheard them and just set fire to everything.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Turns out the local councillor was a fucking free mason not "free basing". Not sure we’ll get the town hall job now after I got my pipe out

Cop: Tell me from 2 to 4, where were you? Me: Preschool

This is the “war”

Thoughts while running, Day 2: If I could muster up a mini heart attack this bullshit could end right now.

We can apparently measure up homes of all benefit claimants for bedroom tax but not homes worth more than £2 million for mansion tax. Odd.

He doesn’t know it yet, but this could be the most awkward kiss ever.

The Civil Rights Act is 50 years old. These two pictures were taken 50 years apart. Behold our progress. #Ferguson

We didn’t need journalists arrested to know things were wrong in #Ferguson. We knew that when they shot a kid with his hands in the air.

Monster tidal wave surges down the Qiantang River in Hangzhou, China

(Best timed action picture ever!)

Toughest job in show biz, editing Top of the Pops for the re-runs

Haven’t heard anything from the #NRA saying the people of Ferguson need guns to protect themselves from the oppressive government. Curious.

"Daddy, why does this freedom taste of deep fried cheeseburgers and bullets?"

After the Lonely Hearts Club Band split up, Sgt Pepper gained a doctorate for his work devising a fizzy drink that tastes of floor polish.

I leave you with this inspirational message:

Buck.