The Sound Of The Penny Dropping.

I’ve only just blogged but momentous things are afoot.

Wendy was getting concerned about me obsessing over stuff, thinking it might be a problem. A few bikes ago when I first had my eye on the bike I’ve got now, I was losing sleep over it. I was waking up in the middle of the night and doing new searches on the 4 main bike sale sites to see if anything had come up. It was becoming that much of a problem that I had to think of ways to consciously de-escalate the obsessing. I had to list every fault with bike, how it was too expensive, totally impractical, how I didn’t need a new bike, etc etc, just to get some peace.

Anyway, out of a mild curiosity, and to put Wendy’s mind at rest, I googled “obsessive, compulsive shopping” .

Oh.

Apart from not meeting my responsibilities, that’s me.

Well, that’s just super.

Nailed all of it. The conveyor belt of bikes, buying all the kit, losing interest, feeling guilty that I’ve bought stuff that I’m not using, the excitement of hunting for my next, life fulfilling, purchase that will be *the* one, the anticlimax on purchase, everything.

And, it’s all just a manifestation of my BPD.

I was in denial at first. Well, not so much in denial, the evidence is overwhelming, but I didn’t want to admit it because then I would have to do something about it. And I don’t want to stop. I sat on it for 24 hours, but then I told Wendy.

It’s a joy-sucking, ironic, kick in the teeth. Most of my life I’ve been hand to mouth poor, since I started lorry driving (and gave up drinking, the two are definitely linked) we’ve been getting better off. With this new job, and the Brexit disaster ensuring plenty of work for lorry drivers, we are actually in a position where anything I’ve ever wanted I could have. It helps that my dreams are fairly modest. A really nice motorbike. That’s about it. But I could afford to sign a loan for £10,000 tomorrow and not even think about it. But I’ve kind of lost interest in biking with having nowhere to go. And now this. I can make money, but I can’t spend it.

Anyway. I’m feeding and re-enforcing a mentally damaging addiction-esque condition. A sneaky variation of my usual BPD. It has to stop.

I’ve not done an internet search for bikes, cars or boats for the last two days.

My thinking is “buy what I need (nothing), not what I want (everything).

It sucks.

I’m second guessing myself before I’ve even started. If I like my lessons in just over a week, and want a boat, is it to sail or just to buy? Will I need a car to move it about or do I just want to spend money?

I think, if I am doing the boating thing, a car, with a towing hitch, is the way to go. It’s a two person lift to get the boat on a roof rack, if it fits, and Wendy doesn’t count as one of them.

The bike is going. That will pay for the boat and car. I am totally going to need some wheels to get to the club, and if I’m carrying kit a motorbike won’t cut it. I rode it yesterday on my pushike. About a 20 mile round trip, and one of the roads is the link road between the M6 and the East Lancs, so it was heaving with lorries and fast cars. Not fun.

I’m justifying feeding my habit. This is classic addict behaviour. I just need this one last hit and then I’ll stop.

I am a bit lost with this. I don’t know how to work it out.

I’ll have to think on it some more.

In other, much, much better news, Wendy is a good 90% of her old self. Being really brave and going back to work has made a massive difference. It’s hard to overstate the improvement. The thing she was dreading and literally panicking about for 5 months, she has faced and overcome. She is as good as sane. It is brilliant.

Today, as it was my last of 6 days off, we took a trip to Bodnant Gardens in Wales.

Lovely place.