It’s only 3 days since my last blog, but bloody hell!
After that sudden bout of long covid smashed me halfway through my last blog I’ve had two terrible days. So much anxiety. It felt like I was barely holding back a full blown panic attack. I had to settle back into long disused management techniques. Just think about the next 30 seconds, break everything down into the next immediate task, accept overwhelming fear and keep on keeping on. Then I was getting bouts of weakness so bad I didn’t think I could walk from my truck to the office. And through it all was the mental fog, the complete absence of drive or enthusiasm. I didn’t really notice the last until today when it lifted and suddenly I was “Next job! Next job!” All fired up and keen to crack on, back to my usual restless and obsessive self. It was such a joy it’s hard to describe. I teared up at one point.
The anxiety was so bad I’d started to think I’d gone loony again and it was going to an ongoing thing I was just going to have to accept. So the relief today was incredible. Even if it smacks me again tomorrow I can remember it’s just slamming me in bouts, it’s not necessarily permanent.
Today I sent off a stress email to work, went the shop, removed the broken heater element from the cooker and went to town to get a replacement (they were out of stock so I’ve ordered one off Amazon, I’ll fit it tomorrow.) cleaned inside the oven while it was open, went to the barbers (also stresses me out) and got my haircut, went for a 6 mile run to burn off any excess anxiety, and played with my Harley. And, so far, (22.00) I’ve not had any covid flare up. It’s like it’s just gone away. I’m expecting it to come back, but I’m taking it as a sign that there is an actual end in sight, it’s not going to drag on forever. I felt OK last week, to be suddenly battered with it again was worrying. And, now I think of it, I still had the mental fog/ depression of thoughts last week. It’s only today, now that it’s lifted, that I remember what it’s like to be me, normally.
Getting anxious again now it’s bedtime. I’m scared when I stop the anxiety is going to come back. Or that I’ll wake up a wreck tomorrow. In fear of fear. The saddest state. I’m going to suck it up and crack on.
Later,
Buck.
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