I’m struggling with this anxiety lark. I had two really good days just before my last blog and was thinking the pills were kicking in and it would be all plain sailing until full sanity. Nope. I’ve been anxious every day. Not good. I was doing OK with it, it was there but I was dealing with it. Then I took a wrong turning and drove into a busy customer car park. There was no room to spin it around so my anxiety was mounting, I turned down one of the car park lanes, hoping to get out at the top but there wasn’t enough room. I tried to turn, but I just couldn’t fit. I was stuck. My anxiety exploded into a full-on panic attack. For a quick moment that was it. I just couldn’t. I wanted to run away in terror. My mind was totally gone. I turned off the engine, put my head on the steering wheel and somehow got a grip.
Once the panic passed the actual mechanics of reversing at 1mph across a busy car park, across multiple junctions with cars driving behind me and crossing me, was just terrible, not mind-numbing terror. One of the junctions had a few empty car parking spaces next to it which gave me just enough room to get to the end of the row, bump over a barrier with bushes in it, and escape back to the road. It was a genuinely stressful event, but this loony and the panic attack made it a thousand times worse.
I’ve just had my 3 week pill. The doctor said up to 6 weeks for it to kick in, but I was really hoping, expecting,for it to have worked by now. Wendy was sane in 3 weeks. This sucks.
Yesterday I had another duvet day. I got up, stared at my ‘phone, lay on the sofa and dozed, went to bed and dozed, watched some distracting TV then went to bed. I am relaxed while dozing. I can’t face doing anything. Today I made a bit of an effort. I got an 8 mile run, went to the doctors to order more loony pills and the chemist to pick up my statins, went shopping, and made tea. Not huge achievements, but vastly better than sleeping my life away.
Still not got an SV650s. I could handle buying the bike, but I’m stressing over selling the Bonnie. And we’d need the money. I’ve got 3 days off to go. Hopefully the pills will have fully kicked in by my next shift.