I’ve gone barking mad.
The last few weeks I’ve been constantly scrolling on my ‘phone, head down, refresh, refresh, refresh, avoiding runs and bike tasks. Then I noticed I was feeling low and emotional, like I wanted to cry. Then my stomach started getting knotted up with anxiety and I had a panic attack. I realise now that the desperate fixation on my ‘phone was a distraction mechanism.
I was willing to deal with it up until the last symptom. I have the experience and the drills to deal with constant anxiety and emotional distress, but I defy anyone to accept living with panic attacks. Too horrible for words. That was over the weekend. On Tuesday, my first day off, I rang the doctors, they gave me an appointment with a real GP an hour later, and she gave me full dose loony pills. Apparently they can ease you into them with a trial of 10mg for weeks, which do nothing, then 20mg, leaving you loony for 3 months until they give you 50mg. This doctor, gawd bless ‘er, cut straight to the chase and started me on 50mg.
It’s a weird to-do. The morning I went to the doctors I was fine and thought I might be wasting her time, then it hit me again. No, I was right to go. I need the pills.
Anything I want to do is an effort and even doing nothing is stressful. Some of the time. Then it goes and I’m wondering if I made too much of a fuss about such a small matter. Then it comes back and it’s everything.
Ah well, not my first rodeo. At least this time they are finally treating me. I’ve been told it takes about 3 weeks for the drugs to kick in, so I’m basically writing off December. I’ve already decided to focus on delayed positivity. I’ve booked next year’s local half marathon. From January, it’s going to be new year, new me. I expect work will drop off a bit, so I’m going to smash my training. Maybe set monthly goals and such to give me things to work towards. I’m working on the assumption that my missing mojo will return with my sanity. And enforced resting from running always makes me itch to get back to it.
I was about to say it’s not so bad, but that’s why I’m doing this blog. It’s been bad all evening. I’ve come up to go to bed because I’ve had enough of it, then it went away again. So I’m blogging because I don’t want to sleep through the sane bits.
I’m still back and forth on which bike I should get. That is more distraction mechanism than actual joy at the moment. Plus I’ve not been getting the 5 and 6 shifts I was expecting so it’s taking ages to build up sufficient funds.
Just made an executive decision. I think I’ll go for the SV650. If I don’t like it I can always get a decent VFR or whatever when I get the army money.
Cool.
Roll on January.