Writing my last post I was a bit dismissive of the lunacy and I was just taking the pills to be on the safe side. I’ve had a rough ride since then. It has been bloody awful. So stressed that I’m shaking at work. I’ve been feeling so bad I just want to stay in bed, preferably asleep, all day. It’s the only time I’ve felt relaxed. I am so glad they gave me the pills. 3 weeks and I should be straight again. That’s 9 days more. Work is the worst time for it, so call it 6 more work days and I should be sane.
I’ve not done anything except work, walk to the shop, and sit at home. No runs, not worked on my Harley, I have let a local (10 miles away) bike that I had my eye on get sold without even contacting them. I couldn’t face calling them, going to see it, collecting it, anything. This evening feels like the first sane and relaxed patch for ages.
It has been bad.
I’m basically writing December off and starting again in January.
It’s weird to have zero motivation or drive. Normally I use one obsession to distract from another. A day off work where I’ve not ticked off a bunch of boxes on my to-do list seems like a waste of a day. Now I don’t want to do shit and I am not in the slightest restless or regretful having done nothing.
Ah well. Get sane. Start again.
Quick update: That was bloody rough. There were patches I didn’t know how I was going to get through. But… touch wood, the last 2 days have been OK. Yesterday I was at work and the anxiety was present but not overwhelming, today I’ve been off and apart from a bit of discomfort around the shops I was fine. I’ve just dropped my 15th pill so I’m 2 weeks in. Wendy said she noticed improvement from 2 weeks, fully cured by 3. I’m hoping I’m on an improving trajectory now. Ideally I won’t be any worse than the mild discomfort of today until there is nothing at all in a few days.
I got a run today, did the washing, and walked to Sainsbury’s and then to Asda (not ideal just before xmas). The run was short (6 miles) slow (8.43 m/m pace) and hard work, but it wasn’t about the run, it was the fact that I got out of the house and wanted to do something. I’m really happy I felt able. Tomorrow I’m planning on another run and I might get back to work on my Harley. I am really, really, hoping I’ve turned the corner and it’s all getting better from here on in. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but it has felt interminable at times. When it was really bad the thought of weeks more of that was unbearable. The last few days have been comparatively great. I can face as long as it takes feeling like this.