Category: Life

Really. Basically this is to update you on Twitter.

Work has suddenly turned around. After me bitching it was a great job but not enough hours suddenly last week I was blitzed. I got 6 shifts and 58 hours pay. This job is definitely a keeper. It’s only 4 weeks until I’m on pay parity which would have had me taking home £773 for last week. As it is I’m not complaining about £617.

I don’t have a life, all I do is try to sleep and work, but with Wendy running out of (a very generous, 6 months) sick pay and our debts (from the bastard tax man and car) to clear, but pronto, that is all for the good.

Besides, get the debts paid off (£1,500 paid off in 6 weeks, Wendy on half pay not withstanding!) and then we can get me a Harley. I’ll still not have a life, but then I’ll have a Harley so won’t mind.

Wendy is going stir crazy. She’s been stuck in the house, on her own with no one to talk to, and now can’t make any noise all day as I’m asleep. She’s too weak to go out and do anything and daren’t eat any more than the bare minimum to keep her alive. She’s a shadow of her former self. She was dieting before all this bollocks, (rapid weight loss being a trigger for the condition, ironically) but now she simply daren’t eat. Still another 2 months before her pencilled-in, ballpark, estimate for an operation date. So not great.

 

All my sporting plans for the year are in ashes and ruins. Until I can adjust and get some decent sleep I am in no condition to do anything. I was reading something recently that explained that getting 3 or 4 hours, getting up as you can’t sleep, then having a few hours later before work is no good. You need a long sleep to go through the different sleep stages to get refreshed. I’ve had a few good days, but usually it’s degrees of bad.

From tomorrow it’s about to get a whole lot worse. Wendy’s mam and dad are here from Spain for a fortnight. They are a bit deaf, so pretty LOUD. Oh dear oh dear.

Anyway, nothing happening. Work, dream of sleep and work.

 

So to Twitter;

The DMreporter had:

MYSTERY: Was flight MH370 hijacked by a foreign, benefit claiming nurse on the way to a climate change event? Help us out here.

EXCLUSIVE: We character assassinate Prince Harry’s girlfriend because her failure to get engaged on our timetable is messing up ad sales.

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Swiss roll Tu) Baldness We) Attics Th) Cocktails Fr) Disco music Sa) Denmark Su) Non-Christian gods

GEORGE OSBORNE: "The middle classes like the 40p tax rate; it makes them feel like big men with a strong seed in the belly of their woman."

 

 

 

MailSimplified added:

TEEN MOTHER BEHIND THE SELFIE CRAZE. WE ARE IN TWO MINDS HERE. CHARITY – GOOD. TEENAGE MOTHERS – EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH BRITAIN.

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

So deeply saddened at the news of Tony Benn’s passing. A true socialist & a politician who’s only vested interest was other people’s welfare

"There is no difference between a suicide bomber or a stealth bomber. They both kill innocent people for political reasons" #TonyBenn

 

Nurses. Avoid a disappointing 0 to 1% pay rise in future by calling your hospitals "banks" and your patients "hedge funds".

Hunt urges nurses not to strike and says the country can’t afford to give them a pay rise and also cut taxes for millionaires.#torypriorites

Can’t afford to pay nurses a cost-of-living increase ‘cos austerity. But if you’re a Tory banker with a soggy carpet "money is no object."

Just heard a so called expert say EU should protect the border between Slovenia and Ukraine which will be tough because they have no border.

First point of order, Slovenia to invade Hungary do they share a border with Ukraine. Second, defend Slovenian/ Ukrainian border. Questions?

Looks like we’ve noticed that polls held under military occupation tend to be distorted. Well, under military occupation by not-us, anyway.

Unlike the Iraq vote where only areas under American control were allowed to vote. #democracy

Remember though, it’s not a junta in Egypt. It’s a "military-backed interim government".

The West threatens Putin with sanctions. They refuse to rule out use of the naughty step.

William Hague still has the option of fixing Putin with a cold hard Paddington Bear stare.

All in it together:

USA – 62% of all bankruptcies (900,000/year) are due to medical expenses & 78% of had insurance (inadequate policies)

Courts declare Cameron’s attempt to close Lewisham Hospital illegal. He changes law so he can close any hospital. This is not democracy.

George Osbourne has put ‘savers’ at the heart of his budget. Or in common parlance, rich fuckers.

 

Actual tory poster:

Riposte:

Breaking… Downing St unveils new Tory Party Chairman

The natives of Bingo Bingo Land

I knew if I voted Tory in the early 80s, eventually they would make bingo cheaper. I played the long game.

My gran will have loved today’s bingo tax news. She’s never played but really enjoys being patronised

18:31. Clegg is going through his pre-debate warmup. Farage is running late due to London being a city he no longer recognises. #LBCdebate

Tories killed off a bit more of the NHS:

£100mil to dredge a floodplain in Somerset populated by a few hundred tory voters. If it was in the north the answer would be TOUGH SHIT

 

 

And loveliest of lovely, General:

You’d have thought bacon made from cats would be really popular on the internet, but no – quite the opposite…

Even after all these years, my husband still loves to come home at the end of the day and have a really good chat. It’s a fucking nightmare.

Some google autosuggests:

 

I don’t care if Monet’s blue, it’s Friday I’m in Louvre.

Famous Obama election slogan “Yes We Can” was chosen ahead of “No We Can’t” and “You Don’t Have To Be Crazy To Work Here, But It Helps”.

That moment when you’ve been online for 25 minutes & just realised that #WhiteManMarch is an actual thing, and not a pisstake.

What do we want EVERYTHING When do we want it STILL #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns

BECAUSE ‘WHITE STRAIGHT CISGENDERED UNACCENTED ENGLISH-SPEAKING MAN SULK PARADE’ WAS TOO MANY LETTERS #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns

If Facebook had been designed by English people, it would have had a ‘quite like’ button.

Struggling to think of a context in which the size of Clifford’s erect penis would be relevant. Failing. Now drinking mindbleach from bottle

 

(That is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. From the assumption that a secret evil world dominating cabal would have a twitter account, to thinking illuminati was spelled illuminate, to the polite refutation, to the “oh ok sorry” I’ve been laughing at that for weeks whenever I think about it.)

 

The quote "Here’s lookin’ at you,…..kid" is from what film? The Men Who Stare At Goats. Brilliant.

Prisoners forced to wear horizontal stripes in order to make them feel fat and ruin their self esteem. (1905)

Best ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos ever:

Politicians discussing global warming. A sculpture in Berlin by Issac Cordal.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Can’t be doing with football or footballers, but credit where it’s due:

If Oscar Pistorius is found innocent I don’t think anyone will risk throwing him a suprise party.

REDUCE preparation time when making a spicy vegetable & quinoa laksa by simply buying a bag of chips & getting over yourself.

£20 fine, bugger that then.

FUN FACT: If you play every Beatles song backwards, you can hear the sound of your girlfriend closing the front door and never coming back.

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Fun fact: When my kid watches "Terminator" I will have to explain the concept of a phonebook, but not an autonomous robot killing machine.

Q: How many MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The real issue here is the failure of the opposition to offer a choice of lighting

"Here kitty kitty.." 🙂 Animal Rescue in extreme:CDN LYNX! Check out nature’s gift; huge "snow shoe" paws!

Maths is not @FoxNews strong point

Only he who has walked through the deepest valley knows how other valleys of lesser depth are relatively more walk-throughable, valley-wise.

When I was 14, I asked my dad why Amish people weren’t afraid of blk people like other white people. He said, "They don’t watch TV."

Very British Problems had: Describing the worst possible situation as "hardly ideal"

See, what you’ve done here, IKEA, is less describe *these* curtains and more describe the concept of "Curtains":

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

My postman is inexplicably wearing a fez.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it…””

When asked for her thoughts on the most beautiful words in the English language, Dorothy Parker said she liked ‘cheque’ and ‘enclosed’.

Well played lamp designer well played.

Kermit should have known not to interfere in the Scottish referendum

 

Delays on the Circle line due to an ‘inconceivable’ signal failure at Paddington. We do not think that word means what they think it means.

I’m *so* glad that earlier my 9yro son chose a crowded swimming pool changing room to ask me what a willycopter is. *swigs gin*

#dragonsden pitch: 1 Build windfarm 2 Call it "Churchill’s" 3 Sow the wind 4 Reap the whirlwind 5 Retire 10% £1 million. #foolproof

If you don’t want to read my blog on etiquette and manners, you can go and fuck yourself.

Nothing says "invest in canned food & shotguns" to a people quite like news that they’ve been handed a bajillion-dollar IMF loan.

Whoever said "words can’t express how helpful the creative writing workshop was" maybe didn’t do as well as they thought…

Enterprising:

There is no aspect of climate change that isn’t ultimately reversible, as soon as you’re all dead.

Welp, that is Karen Gillan on a hoverboard with a Delorean alright.

NEWS! Legalisation of same-sex marriage will turn UK into one big sweaty bumchain, warn traditionalists

NEWS! Church says ‘told you so’ as all marriages collapse #Gaymarriage

Bugger. You know what they say; marry in haste, repent at leisure. Now I can’t get gay married and be down with the cool kids. *sad face*

BBC still banging on that 1/5 wouldn’t go to a same-sex wedding. Look, I wouldn’t go to a cricket match, it doesn’t make it WRONG. Shut up.

Passed a field of pigs. Each had built itself an Anderson shelter. Stupid pigs, don’t realise the war is over

*that’s* the car I want, please.

Facebook:

On today’s #BBCTBQ ‘Are the end times imminent?’ Next week: ‘Are Sauron’s forces gathering in Mordor?’

2-tier justice in America: Heir to DuPont fortune rapes his 3yr old daughter & judge refuses to sentence him 2 prison http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/03/30/judge-probation-for-du-pont-heir-in-dghter-rpe-because-he-would-not-fare-well-in-prison/ …

DON’T START A TWEET THAT WAY. RT @NBCNews: Just In: Air Force fires nine nuclear missile commanders over two-year cheating scandal

Just got an email from someone calling me a "Christianophobe" and a "supporter of Al Qaeda" which ended… "best regards". Huh?

And finally, baby hamster:

And on that furry cute bombshell,

later.

Buck.

After me going on about how much money I was going to be on and how this could be my job for life it’s all gone a bit Pete Tong.

The shifts are too short. You’re lucky to get a 9 hour shift (paid, plus 45 minutes break) as a driver you expect at least a 10 hour day. Then I was stood down for one day one week, two days last week. Admittedly I had to take an extra day without work/ pay to do my driver training (CPC) course, but still, a 3 day/ 27½ hour week is no good to anyone.

The CPC thing is a new hoop the government have introduced through which drivers have to jump. You have to do 5 days of training every 5 years. Not practical training, just classroom stuff. Without an exam. You just have to attend. And it’s so badly arranged you could take the same class five times and still get your card. The one I did was designed for Walkers and was based around safe, fuel efficient driving and pre-op checks.

One bit had me in bits. The trainer was explaining the two main groups of defect; minor and serious. Minor being that which you could legally drive with (radio not working, dent, etc) and serious being that which grounded the vehicle (VOR, Vehicle Off Road).

He asked one guy, who he obviously knew well, to give an example of a minor defect. The guy said “Flat tyre.”

The trainer said “FLAT TYRE? A minor defect? You’d drive that would you?”

He continued “Of course, if you’re not sure you can ask someone more qualified.” (To the guy) “In your case a passing dog. ‘Ere, mate, put down that turps for a minute, what do you think of this?”

I hooted.

But back to my point, unless I can start to whack in some hours I will have to start looking for work again. This is a total bummer, as the job remains the easiest and best paid I’ve had. And the best treatment I’ve ever received. Before I got into this gig I thought people liked drivers. Not even. Most places they are tolerated as a necessary evil.

It might work out. Perhaps this has just been a blip. It’s still a lot of money for what I’m actually doing, just not enough hours.

However, if it doesn’t work out, Asda and a few other companies are currently building *massive* distribution centres (DC) right next to the M62 junction 9 (Ikea) exit. Right on my doorstep. I know I can pass the driving assessment, I think it’s supposed to be good money and lots of hours. And as they are opening a new DC they will need new drivers. Lots won’t relocate or commute.

Anyway, I’m just saying if this doesn’t work out there are other options. I would really like this to work out though. As it stands this job would pay the bills, but not bring in the megabucks I thought. *sad face*

 

In other bad news, I got a wake up call this morning. The Outlaw triathlon posted on Facebook “20 weeks to go!” *panic attack*

I’ve not swum in 6 months, not ridden in at least 3, and done one run in the last 5 or 6 weeks (since I started nights.)

I went out for a 10 mile test run this morning. I started off too fast (sub 7 m/m for the first mile) then died. By 2.3 miles I had to stop to get my breath back. My lungs were on fire and I had a massive stitch. I limped on at a truly pathetic pace but turned back after 3 miles.

20 weeks to go and I’m in the worst condition I can remember. My plans for a sub 3 hour marathon in April have all gone to shit. I’ll be grateful to get a steady marathon by then.

Back to the training. Constant tiredness is no excuse.

My sleep patterns are totally buggered now. Two days off, gone to bed at midnight, wide awake by 04.00. I can get back to sleep about 10.00 then sleep through until 16.00. Wendy was worried I might be getting depressed, sleeping my life away. Nope, not depression, just buggered sleep pattern. A whole day wasted trying to get some sleep. Today I woke about 04.00, got up at 06.30 and I’ve stayed up. Then I got a text saying they want me in tonight at 23.30. Super.

I’ll have to get my head down in a bit. Next door is rattling around in her garden though. Grrr.

………

(Tuesday) I now have a counterpoint to my above griping. I worked on Sunday night, then had to go to the vets on Monday morning (the cat’s fine. Lead-swinging furry bastard.) While I was waiting I worked out my pay. It was a crappy 7½ hours (paid). But at Sunday rate of £13.75 p/h that’s £103.12. *disappointed face* Then I thought about it, at Ceva, (which I did for nearly two years at £8.75 p/h) that would have been nearly 12 hours work.

When I’m on pay parity (another 7 weeks) I’ll actually be on slightly more (£13.82) Monday to Friday, then £17.52 for Saturday or Sunday. Even a crappy 40 hour week, if one day was at the weekend, would be £582.40, or 66½ hours at Ceva rate. That’s ‘only’ £28k a year though.

I’ve just looked at the Jobcentre site and done a quick online search, the best one I came up with was agency work for Morrisons, £9.15- £15.00 p/h. Again it’s how much work you would actually get, and it’s travelling to Northwich every day. And it’s still not as much money per hour, just probably more hours.

Arguing myself back and forth here. Not really getting anywhere.

Actually, I’ll stick with this for a bit.Just been playing with the calculator. Say I got the Morrisons gig, and say it was 10.50 normal night rate, that would still be a 55 hour week for the same pay. The idea was; less pay per hour but more hours so more pay. If it’s the same pay, for 50% more work, there’s nothing to gain.

Screw that.

 

One other thing, finally weighed myself today. 11 stone 4 pounds! Diet it is, then. I’ve got 19½ weeks to fit into my snug*-at-10½-stone wetsuit. (*Asphyxiatingly tight)

 

Right, off for a run then I’ll fill you in on Twitter. Brb.

 

Oh deary me. That was bad. I went out for a 10 mile run, with no energy gels, then as soon as I set off changed my mind and ran down the canal. I ended up doing a 13.17 miles run, ie just over a half marathon.

Remembering that 2 days ago a 6 mile run killed me. And gave me massive blisters on my insteps which duly burst during the run. Well, guess what? More blisters, more bursting, this time a layer deeper and more sensitive. Ace.

Bah.

Anyway, terrible time, awful gait (if I’m getting such bad blisters) but over twice the distance. So, progress. And, according to the Runner’s World calculator, that’s 1,577 calories burned. I can’t believe I’ve got so bad so quick.

Enough of my whining, I promised Twitter;

 

The DMreporter had:

YOUR COMMENTS: Reader Ted Baker urges you to read his lips before warning that… his cousin says Muslims like prison…?

ROYALS: Fury as Prince William takes baby George to his first game reserve to hunt gruffalo.

PRAY FOR THEM: Join our crusade to spend the foreign aid budget on the survivors of the Clapham Road pipe burst.

FINANANCE: RBS defends £576m bonus pot against £8.2bn loss – “fuck off or we’ll raise your mortgage” said a spokesman.

NORTHERN LIGHTS: Increased aurora activity blamed on Romainan migrants ‘coming over here and smuggling in non-polarised magnetic particles…’

UNFAIR: Fury as EU demands migrants enjoy the same rights in Britain as British migrants do abroad. We say, where is the justice?

POLITICS: YouGov poll gives Labour a 9-point lead. We ask, what are numbers anyway? And how will this affect UKIPs victory?

MAX HASTINGS: "International Women’s Day should be renamed International Margaret Thatcher and Those of a Similar Gender Day."

NATURE THREAT: Is a shoal of freshwater carp about to invade Britain? Fear as trawler reports "seeing some fish" in nearby waters.

AFGHANISTAN: Ed Milliband spends entire trip explaining who he is and what he does during unannounced visit to Camp Bastion.

HEALTH: Smiling occasionally and enjoying life ‘is as dangerous as living in Chernobyl’ say experts.

 

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

Tories and Ukip voted against a new EU fund today which could provide £3m to food banks in the UK.

(But let’s concentrate on cutting aid to starving foreigners.)

Public: "Cut gummit spending!" Experts: "Like what?" Public: "Foreign aid!" Experts: "It’s only 1% of budget." Public: "Then cut it a LOT!"

Statistically, you’re never more than 6 hours away from a Nigel Farage BBC appearance. #marrshow

How close was Patrick Rock [arrested for child porn] to the Prime Minister ? Mr Cameron has only a single political adviser – Patrick Rock.

In same month govt imposed a £26k cap on benefits it fought off a £260k cap on landowners’ benefits (farm subsidies)

Lewes #UKIP councillor says businesses should have power to turn away women and #gay people http://www.hopenothate.org.uk/ukip/article/3477/lewes-ukip-councillor-says-businesses-should-have-power-to-turn-away-women-and-gay-pe#.UxcBSkPiUaI.twitter …

UKIP; unelected bigotry for those who can’t find the time for religion.

I’m shock SHOCKED I tell you that the government would suppress data which doesn’t back up their bullshit

A pensioner dressed as Elvis beats the Lib Dem candidate in a local council by-election

Wonderful articulation of the difference between fascism & capitalism

 

 

 

And as ever, the bestest bit, General:

This Hyde Park flat has become the most expensive rental in the country at £200k/month

Two hundred thousand of Her Majesties pounds. Per month. On rent. For a flat.

People talk about the Daily Mail supporting the Nazis. It’s forgotten that the Nazis thought the Daily Mail was ‘a bit much’.

The old age home gets ugly.

Man accidentally kills self with gun during demonstration on gun safety http://huff.to/1hlRmEd

(This is a wonderful, poetic, article, do give it a go) Why Bourne is the greatest action hero of our time: http://slate.me/Mrs10v

Hot singles are in your area. Signal’s clean. Range 20 metres. Definitely inside the barricades. 12 metres. Remember short controlled bursts

Optical illusion: This floor is completely flat

2000AD Celebrating 37th birthday with:

Free Republic responds to [senator] Jan Brewer decision [to veto ‘right to refuse service to gays’ bill] : ‘Only freedom of religion in America is worship of the anus’

The only clean mug in the office kitchen was a "KEEP CALM" one. I am sipping my coffee from cupped, scalded hands.

#CAPRICORN: Inspiration. Motivation. Determination. You have none of these. Your death will be a welcome relief.

#AQUARIUS: You secretly plant explosives into someone’s camera. It’s best you learn what photo bombing is before more people get hurt.

#GEMINI: Don’t be sad because of people. They will all die.

A delicate situation has taken a nasty turn.

DON’T bother with the Kindle editions of colouring books.

I hate casual racism. If you’re going to call me a Paki WEAR A TIE.

 

The Ukraine/ Crimea thing as I understand it, is America waited for Russia to host the Olympics, then, while it would look bad if Russia did anything, destabilised Ukraine. (US senator recorded organising it). The CIA organised ‘protesters’ and worked with puppet politicians (also recorded as having organised snipers to kill civvies) to force a regime change.

Russia waited until after the Olympics then sent in ‘peace keeping’ forces to quell the ‘protesters.’ 1-0 Russia.

Repeat after me: Armed protestors taking over govt buildings in Kiev= v.good ‘pro democracy’; in Crimea: v.bad, ‘Russian interference’ #BS

Putin heads to #Crimea to personally oversee military intervention…

Obama has already threatened more "costs" for what may/may not be a 24 hr long Russian invasion than a 47 year Israeli military occupation.

I know Russia’s behavior in Crimea may be upsetting, but to be fair, Americans, you did invade Iraq.

Meanwhile in Ukrainian City of Donetsk: "In Russia we have brothers, in Europe we’re slaves!"

"Outrageous! Where on earth did Putin get the idea he could use military force on another country?" say architects of Iraq War

Things we’ve now decided that we don’t like – Official lying & scaremongering; unilateralism; violations of sovereignty; bypassing the UN.

Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn’t have stood for Russian aggression in Ukraine. He’d have invaded New Zealand by now.

Only six countries have military bases in foreign countries. US has 700 Russia had 12 UK has 6 France has 6 Turkey has 1 India has 1

We’ll be OK here in Manchester if it all kicks off. We’re in a Nuclear Free Zone don’t you know. I think Islington’s immune from nukes, too.

The signs were never posted in Cyrillic script, were they? Can Russian missiles read the Roman alphabet?

We’ll all remember where we were when World War 3 broke out – pissing about on Twitter.

US politicians and pundits newfound commitment to state sovereignty and non-interference in other country’s affairs is admirable.

Advocating for US intervention in Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere puts you on shaky ground when you suddenly defend Ukraine’s sovereignty.

The way the #Ukraine saga is playing out, anyone who invested in a nuclear bunker is probably feeling pretty smug right about now..

Serial wimp, Prince Edward, is pulling out of the #Sochi Paralympics. << What’s his disability? Crippling irrelevance?

Royal Naval fleet to muster at Plymouth….thank god we refloated "The Mary Rose" #Ukraine

48 HOUR Russian occupation of Crimea = immediate US sanctions threat 47 YEAR Israeli occupation/colonization of West Bank = Unending US Aid

It’s as if everyone has agreed to forget that they heard the Victoria Nuland phone call organizing coup.

80% of #Crimea citizens support Russia’s action. That, my friend, is called Democracy.

Today President McCain invaded the Ukraine, getting into a land war in Asia, before then going against a Sicilian with death on the line.

Estonian FM tells Ashton in leaked call Kiev snipers hired by Maidan leaders http://rt.com/news/ashton-maidan-snipers-estonia-946/ …

#Crimea speak mostly Russian, mostly support Russia. Dave say’s that’s not good enough. Bye bye #Falklands then.

Who would you trust to babysit your 2 yr. old: A) Tony Blair B) Vlad Putin If you picked ‘A’ you’re an insane baby killing psychopath.

John Kerry: "You do not invade countries on a phoney pretext" Here’s the USA’s bombing record since WW2 …..

#Ukraine signed a $10 billion shale gas deal with US energy giant @Chevron – http://owl.li/3hU5T9

What are the chances? US destabilise a democratic govt, hire snipers, oust PM and install a puppet just before $10 billion gas deal. #lucky

 

 

Pretty sure your plant is already legal

GET involved in a big game of hide and seek by becoming a member of staff at B&Q.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be as cool as this duck.

Best use of hay ever?

AVOID identity theft by simply changing your name to Piers Morgan.

LINO! I said get some Lino…

Imagine what would have happened if Noah had gathered two tribbles for his Ark before setting off.

"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened" DOES NOT APPLY TO WW2. Or Two and a half Men.

The thing I’m noticing about stupidity is that it is apparently without limits:

My five year old: future books editor.

Happy Pancake Day! Today marks the birthday of St Pancake, the patron saint of eggs and flour and shit.

Remember, it’s only milking the system if they’re poor

 

Young Communist’s face says he liked firing squads before they were cool

(If that’s true it’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!)

bedtime BUT I need to leave you with this video that I don’t want to find hilarious BUT CAN’T HELP IT. EVERY. TIME. http://youtu.be/WvCfkejRGbY

England are currently 33/1 to win the World Cup. For those who don’t understand gambling, that means if you bet £20, you will lose £20.

Ten tell-tale signs that you’re Middle-aged..

NHS to offer unemployed free Cremations and Burials as alternatives to Primary Health Care

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

My cat is sad because the only landline calls he gets these days are from people trying to sell him dodgy policies.

"When six corporations control more than 90% of media communications, the media does not inform, it indoctrinates."

There IS an International Mens Day – it’s 19th November. You could have Googled that, you div! #InternationalWomensDay

Why do Men need a day? In what way are they oppressed, paid less, sexually victimised/violently abused on a regular basis by women? You div.

The other 364 days of the year that aren’t #InternationalWomensDay are ruled by men anyway. Shut up you div.

We think of them as a relatively new concept but circumstantial evidence suggests that women have been with us since prehistoric times.

First they came for the people who tweeted about International Men’s Day. But I did not speak out, because I was pretty cool with that

 

Not the best graphic on a German sign.

It takes 72 muscles to frown but only 14 muscles to smile and all the strength in the world not to scream at the empty, uncaring sky.

THIS IS WHAT BEING A FEMALE COMIC means "My comedian friend @Jenjencollier just got this email from a club.

Israel cuts off water supply to 45,000 Palestinians http://ow.ly/un2gD

Israel cutting water to 45,000 Palestinians? The World Police will be all over that shit! America? America? *tumbleweed*

Wondering what YOU can do to help address the grossly exaggerated negative stereotyping of the police?

Stop murdering black people? Don’t do mounted baton charges against strikers? Stop taking bribes in murder cases? #topofmyhead #yourwelcome

(Next day…) Here’s a policeman who peppersprayed me and my mates 2 years ago punching a woman in the head 3 times http://www.standard.co.uk/news/video-police-officer-avoids-jail-after-cctv-shows-him-punching-woman-suspect-in-the-head-9184620.html …

Yesterday’s Q "What can we [the police] do to counter the grossly distorted public perception?" Today, pepper pig punches woman in head x3.

 

This. Is. Sparta!!!

Woman accidentally joins search party looking for herself http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/216498/woman-accidentally-joins-search-party-looking-for-herself/ …

There’s a new account called @PicPedant who does what it says on the tin and calls ‘bullshit’ on all those faked pictures or pictures with a fake cutesy story that circulate. This example made me lol.

Inconsistent illumination of Earth & Unicorn. MT @xtaldave: RT @TheXXCorp: Here’s JFK riding robot unicorn on moon.

Oops.

"Make it look like natural selection."

It’s such a double standard that when a girl has sex with lots of guys she’s a "slut", but when I have sex with lots of girls I’m "lying".

KEEP meet-and-greet small talk to a minimum by licking your hand after shaking theirs, while maintaining eye contact.

Hooray! @BBCRadio4Extra is streaming the original 1978 Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio shows. Episode one: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007jlzj …

Most people aren’t actually anti-social. They choose to be alone because they hate spending time with stupid people.

Bob Crow memories: on night he was elected (2002) he refused to come on Newsnight, or even to phone, as was “down the pub” with RMT members

Bob Crow refused to accept the mantra of the "race to the bottom" and he was hated for it. Honour his memory: join a trade union

When taking your goods home from currys, always make sure they are safely secured for the journey.

 

And on that note, I’m out of here.

Later,

Buck.

Bruce Springsteen quote there, in case you were wondering. Sadly it’s very apt. That is all I am. I had one day where I slept well during the day and I thought I’d started to adjust, but no. It’s 4 hours sleep, then wake up, sleep, wake up. I’m getting between 5½- 7 hours a day. Grim. Normally, oddly, I’m not too tired during the night. On Saturday I was snottered though. I got in, had 5 hours sleep, then got up so I would be able to sleep last night. I was awake and feeling goddawful for about 8 hours then gave up and went back to bed. I had 14 hours sleep. Wow. I must have been a bit tired. I’m still tired.

But that is it; my life is just work, try to sleep, get up, sit around bog-eyed, then go to work. And repeat. I’ve had one sax session, one run in the last week. I’m waiting until I adjust, then it will be fine. My shifts are, by lorry driving standards, all early darts. I was hoping for a 50 hour week, (53.45 if you include unpaid breaks) that’s a nice compromise between money and life. My first full week I got 46½ hours, last week 40½. That’s no good to me. We’ll have to see how it goes. On the one hand I’m getting loads of money per hour, but on the other I could be taking home more (by working shitloads more hours) elsewhere. It’s early days yet. I’ll see how it goes. Once the bills are paid (and I’ve adjusted to nights) short shifts could suit me. I reckon, once I’m on pay parity (9 weeks and counting) I would still be taking home £500+ for a crappy 40 hour week.

And I could do stuff.

Such as train.

Or sleep.

Mainly sleep.

At the moment I’m having an ongoing ‘debate’ on Twitter about bloody ignorant cyclists riding in the middle of the road. It’s not going well. For them. Cycle nazis. By far the easiest demographic to wind up. Not that I’m exactly trolling, just not sugar coating it. Bastards.

I did mention in passing that I’m probably not ideal triathlete material; I hate swimming, cyclists infuriate me and I’m shit at it. Whadda ya gonna do?

Anyway, things are degenerating at a predictable rate.

That’s it. All my news. Apart from Wendy having a provisional date for her operation. In May. *epic sigh*

So just to catch up on Twitter then I’m doing some sax-ing.

 

DMreporter kept us abreast:

POLITICS: Nick, like, totally hates Dave now and, like, wants to be mates with Ed but Ed was all, like, “no way” and called him a “minger.”

ALL IN THIS TOGETHER: The £50bn earmarked for HS2 rail link between the North and the South ‘should just be spent in the South’ say MPs.

SOCHI: “Scotland, go fuck yourselves” – David Bowie updates his message following Britain’s defeat in the curling final.

FORECAST: Spring may have sprung today but tomorrow will be a shower of shit as Britain is broken because of immigrants and scroungers.

(And DMsimplified: )

SIMON COWELL IS STILL DEFINITELY STRAIGHT.

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

2012: average earnings shrank 4.4%. Incomes of FTSE 100 directors rose 49% http://iaf.gd/uxk #BenefitsBritain

Vote #TUSC, raise minimum wage most of benefit issue would be solved, only 3% goes to unemployed #BenefitsBritain”

Child benefits cuts call from Tory MP who claims expenses to heat stables at his mansion http://bit.ly/1kRfLFv

Nigel Farage tree:

For those still not sure, here’s a handy cut-out-and-keep "Money No Object" guide from the government.

Funny how all these writers. pundits and TV people think Gove is the best Tory and doing a great job but send their kids to private schools

Let’s have a tax on the phrase ‘hardworking families’. We’ll clear the defecit at a stroke.

Poor David Cameron. As a child he pulled the face of a smug bastard with a huge sense of entitlement, just as the wind changed direction.

So. #Cameron and #IDS are on a "moral mission." As were Hitler and Dr. Goebbels. #ArbeitMachtFrei

Tories say people use food banks, not through need but because they’re there. Likewise people only have house fires because we have firemen.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion my liberal view says I should respect the opinions of the right… But fuck the horrible bastards

#DunnTrial List of white kids killed for listening to rap music:

 

We are after bringing democracy to the democratically elected government of Ukraine. These gas pipelines are a total coincidence:

prison torture and drone murder is one thing. but Obama Denounces “Unacceptable Violence” in Venezuela

(Again, pure coincidence they have more oil than Saudi Arabia.)

SCOTLAND: You have the chance to rid yourselves of this filth. FOREVER!

 

And as ever, the best bit is General:

Clarence House been working overtime to stop this image going social media to tabloids they failed Royal Hypocrisy

just listening to some house…

Next week on Channel 5, the causes of World War I, debated by Samantha Brick, H out of Steps, Noel Edmonds and Cat Bin Lady.

FACT!

Can we have a vote on Northern Independence please? The south is just a drain on us these days. #TheNorth

Apparently this is what happens if you wear trainers instead of motorbike boots. *buys 10 pairs of boots*

Pam posted that on Facebook. I may never sleep again. *voms*

Sorted.

Found a ‘phone, texted a moron:

Re-tweet this if – when you heard an 8th banker jumped off a building – your first reaction was – who gives a shit?

Only in Wales…

"That thing you just said is misogynistic" "but I’m not a misogynist" Wow, then you must be even more shocked than I am.

You got to be kidding.

Here’s a priceless Vincent (LE)GOgh self-portrait

We are not born racist

Pessimistic printer is pessimistic

Best. Selfie. Ever!

This guy obviously doesn’t have a Twitter account and neither does his tattooist…

Genius Girl Scout sells hundreds of cookies outside medical marijuana clinc:

ODDS: Crucifixion 2/1 RT @BBCNews: EastEnders character Lucy Beale will be killed off this Easter, BBC confirms http://bbc.in/1f4lT54 (to which someone replied “that’s silly. She’s killed and eaten by a giant rabbit.)

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

How to completely fuck someone off with just a single pound coin.

 

Dave the rave just picked his motor up from the local multistorey

David Kingham’s image of a Perseid Meteor Shower over a mountain range

I particularly want to hear from anyone who, as a result of faith healing, has had a limb grow back. @lbc or 0845 6060 973

Don’t say "I was beaten up because I’m gay". Say "I was beaten up because someone is homophobic." Put the blame where it should be – on them

Lazer Bike Helmets advert:

TweetsOfGod informed us: I created the whole universe just for humanity. The other million billion billion stars were just shits and giggles.

And to think, by the time Mozart was my age he hadn’t done a single good tweet

That awkward moment when a Florida man accidentally shoots himself leaving gun safety class

current mood:

Hey, folks tweeting about eating disorders? Yeah, I know it’s important. I also know that the abbrv "ED" is for "erectile dysfunction."

Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for life. Give him someone else’s fish and he’ll vote for you.

 

 

 

And on that grumpy cat note,

later,

Buck.

I applied for this new driving job because Hermes has let me down and the tax man had just robbed us blind so we needed cash. I’m really glad I did. The job is a doddle and it’s loads of dosh. So far I’ve not had a single thing said to me. No-one on my back, no frantic ‘phone calls, nothing. They are so relaxed that yesterday, after I’d been off all day, I was about to leave the yard in my truck when I noticed I still had the truck keys from the night before. No-one had said anything. I drove around and handed them in, the guy said “Oh, yes. I was going to ask you about them.”

Anyway, it’s all good. Apart from the fact that it’s the whole of my life at the minute. I’m either working, asleep, or bog-eyed, wishing I was asleep. That should change when I adjust to sleeping in the day. At the moment I ain’t nothing but tired, to borrow from Mr Springsteen.

Still, it’s what I signed up for, and it’s better than what I expected. The first week was 4 days working and the 4½ hour induction. Which is to say, 4½ hours day rate, 3 shifts Mon-Fri night rate, and 1 shift Saturday night rate. 38 hours in total. Friday was the test of my snake-oil charlatan accountants. They came through.  I earned £486.23 , paid the accountants £23.28, paid my N.I., PAYE, and Corporation tax and still came out with £426.10

Gotta love the slimy weasels.

I did some working out (but got the pay rates wrong) and thought that would put me on about £40k (for 48 weeks, 48 hours per week) it’s actually £33.5k. Bah. Penury. The thing to remember though is that when I was busting my balls in de-kit, or freezing my arse off order picking in –28C, I was on £18.2K, taking home £290 per week.When I get to the proper pay rate (another 10 weeks) I’ll be taking home about £631 per week. It’s not a direct comparison as I’m doing another day’s worth of hours nowadays, but on the other hand my old job was so hard I didn’t have it in me to do any extra hours. Also, I’m assuming that as weekly pay, but if I take 4 weeks holiday a year (no pay) then it averages at about £583 per week. 

Anyway, that’s all back-of-fag-packet calculations based on one week’s pay. Guideline at best. My point is; I spent all that money and went through the ordeal of lessons, tests, and the horror of gaining experience for a better paid, easier job. I’ve finally got it.

By this time next year we should be minted.

We’ve got that piss-take tax bill to pay off, then another £1,500 to pay the tax man in June or July, but that is actually forced savings. I was only self-employed for 8 months last year, I’ll have paid £3k towards the next bill, but a full year was only £2k. After that there will be no future tax bills, the £23 a week to the accountants covers all my running cost, book keeping and end of year accounting. Sweet!

So, there’s gold in them there hills. I can’t wait for us to be straight. We went from just about getting straight to nearly £6k of debt within a month. Not good when I was getting no work at all. I’ve not told Heads or Hermes that I’m no longer available, it’s still only the 11 shifts worked and 3 others offered since 24th of December.

Lying. Bastards.

Unfortunately, as I said, it means I have no life. I’m just tired. I’ve had one run and several sax sessions, but I’m fit for shit the whole time. I can’t wait to adjust so I can train properly again.

In the meantime, nothing really to say. Though I am window shopping Harleys again for when all this dosh is going into credit instead of paying off debt. Hehe. Wendy not pleased.

 

We still haven’t got a date for Wendy’s operation, which is mighty disappointing.

 

So, lacking news, I’ll just fill you in on the wonderful world of Twitter.

 

DMreporter had:

TRAGIC: Thames overflows, flooding a collection of houses worth more than the foreign aid budget.

GOD’S BISEXUAL FURY: Sinkhole opens up beneath Hemel Hempstead; home of the roundabout ‘where you can go both ways.’

SHOCKING: Miley Cyrus fist-fucks a disabled black dwarf in a Nazi uniform whilst injecting heroin into cancer-ridden puppies. Pictures.

SOCHI: Lizzy Yarnold wins Gold for Britain. Reader Dave23 has had a thought about that…

(And new one, DailyMailSimplified)

WE’VE FOUND A STUDY THAT SHOW RICH PEOPLE FIND IT EASIER IN LOVE. HA HA HA, WE TOLD YOU – POOR PEOPLE ARE UGLY AND STUFF.

WEATHER!! POLITICIANS!! SHAME!!!

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had;

This is real, you’ll think its a parody but it’s real. It’s crazy but it’s Ukip. This is the real Ukip:

Tory flood strategy: The North hit: "where’s that?" The SW hit: wait 6 wks, then do nowt. Stockbroker belt? troops in, spend, spend spend!

Mr Cameron, do you think that the fact your govt slashed flood-defences by 41% may have contributed to making things worse this year?

PM says "money is no object" in talking about flood crisis. Really? He did not say this when the floods hit Cumbria, or Yorkshire or Wales?

Cameron ending austerity for flood victims("money is no object in this relief effort") is an admission austerity is bad

Money is no object in coalition constituencies and now the floods are approaching London. #DavidCameron

So the #floods reveal Cameron has found the magic money tree…” << It only grows in the home counties though.

Sorry, but I don’t remember those flooded wealthy Tory voters showing much sympathy for the poor forced to use #foodbanks to survive. #Karma

Can’t afford to heat your home tonight on your zero hour contract wage? Remember we are a wealthy country where #MoneyIsNoObject!

Blah blah "there is no money left" blah blah "tough choices". Oh, we’ve just found £2.5bn for some new fighter jets

@David_Cameron at this stage, I wouldn’t be surprised if you proposed using disabled people as sandbags in Tory shires #2birds1stone

Not heard any talk of "managed decline" now shit is happening Darn Sarf. #floods

"Money is no object. We are a rich country" yet 20-55% of people with #disability will lose benefits by 2015. #HypocrisyIsTheGreatestLuxury

"Money is no object. We are a rich country." Proof positive that #austerity is ideologically driven class war. AUSTERITY IS A LIE! #floods

Cameron says that money is no object. Spot the millionaire.

In this last year the Govt spent £120million less on flood defence spending than Labour did in their last year. #MoneyNoObject

North West bashed by storms. Somehow, I doubt if Cameron will tell the people there that money is no object.

Tory MP Kris Hopkins says disabled people hit by bedroom tax need to change their ways http://bit.ly/1bpHjiv <disgraceful

When will we have a PM say ‘Money no object’ for poor, sick and disabled? ‘No one will go hungry, homeless or without medications’

Vote Tory? Been Flooded? Want state assistance? – Remember, people also don’t ask to be disabled or unemployed. #SauceForTheGoose

Joy. Cameron’s doing the macho COBRA thing. How’s about that "green crap", Dave? Or the money you cut from flood defences? #pissup #brewery

 

 

And the bestest bit, General:

 

Limericks fit in a tweet

If carefully crafted and neat

But please make them rhyme

In strict rhythmic time

And never leave one incomple

"the internet allows us to be whoever we want to be. How interesting that so many of us choose to be assholes"

Now you don’t have to travel all the way to Cornwall for waterfront property.

Taking the Lotus to Somerset

 

Feeling obliged to say "oh he’s alright" while your friend’s dog chews through your arm

This remains the best example of a man’s attempt to take a photo of his girlfriend and a hedgehog imaginable

Not sure how to break the news to this person…

 

"Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion" ~Gen Norman Schwartzkopf

"The problem with the French economy is that they have no word in their vocabulary for entrepreneur" ~Pres George W Bush

Probably the worst way to die…

Can’t say it too many times: THANK YOU Ed #Snowden! #StopTheNSA

 

House buying? Possible red flags: 1. Seller only answers questions through interpretive dance 2. Sinister cat nearby 3. Carrots on the roof

AVOID overblown similes as the proud rain avoids the vehement mountain

Elayne Boosler: The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.

 

I don’t even need to click the link. "Daily Mail’s petition." No, I’m fucking not signing it, and yes, actually, you are a fascist.

Whilst I don’t actually read the Daily Mail, some of my best friends are knee-jerk, reactionary, paedophile-enabling, fascist fuckwits.

BAN THIS SICK FILTH:

Fox News shows it’s diversity.

something big just blew past my window in Manchester. I think it was Liverpool. #UKStorm

This wind is causing some horrific accidents, just seen this on Bradwell Lane…

I’m not one for personal mottos, but if I had one, it would be: "Fucking people need to leave me the fuck alone."

Can’t remember how many days we are into @dailyexpressuk ‘100-days of snow’ now?

Did we have a One Show special when Cumbria was flooded – did we bollocks.

Bank of England new forward guidance "Interest rates won’t rise until all unicorns are liberated from North Korea" Hedging bets.

Middle class graffiti is brutal

(apparently that was from an Irish flood, not the current one, but it’s a hell of a picture.)

.Pakistani drone victim, who has sought to hold CIA accountable, kidnapped & disappeared http://ow.ly/tzCse

We have a situation

 

IF The Proclaimers won’t leave you alone simply move 1001 miles away from them and relax.

PARENTS. Avoid the penalty of enjoying smoking in the car by securing your children to the roof rack.

VISA. Save time by not printing the help line for stolen or lost credit cards on my stolen or lost credit card.

HMS Tireless helping with flood relief in Devon. Probably.

Went to take the rubbish out and neighbour’s cat came flying through the door. I did throw the bags of rubbish in the air and scream

Autocorrect reached new lows by changing the word "some" to "spleen". Just sent an email to an actress, titled "spleen pics from yesterday"

Some of you have sent me this potato, saying it looks like Benedict Cumberbatch

Whenever someone types ‘PMSL’, I always reply ‘MIOWYTT’, which is the acronym for "’Myself’ is one word,you thundering twatwazzock."

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

 

A woman attempting to take a picture at a hockey game in Sochi today. This may be one of my favorite pics ever.

Based on the untold true story is just another way of saying we made this bollocks up

Draw a Panda in 4 simple steps

*black people w/ guns* =thugs! *arab people w/ guns*=terrorists! *white people w/ guns* =well you know, that’s our 2 amendment right. so…

Gays should have equal rights in Russia, says America, where you can legally go hunting for black kids. #DunnTrial

Here’s a pic of my thug brother. What gang is he in, you ask? The U.S. Air Force

Fact: 96% of all Internet searches in Britain end with ‘please’.

I am so hungry I could eat a cow sandwiched between two bread vans. With chips.

Which neatly ties in with my final thought:

toodles,

Buck.

First week at the new job done and dusted.

There have been some minor moments, mostly with me getting lost and them not providing addresses, but all in all it’s been a good week. I got paid for my induction on Monday, I was off Tuesday while the not-very-good guy at the agency faffed about, Wednesday someone else took over and I’ve worked Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. There is no work tonight (Sunday), which they texted me to tell me.

So plenty of good here. They text you to tell you if you are in or if you are not (loads better than most, who’ll ring you and say “Get in in 10 minutes” or “Why aren’t you in work? Didn’t you get our telepathic message?”

4 consecutive nights work. So there’s work available.

Good pay rates, which get a lot better in another 11 weeks.

The job is a doddle. They expressly forbid drivers from doing blind side reverses. Woo-hoo! All their yards then are big enough that you can spin around and reverse in on the drivers side. Easy life.

They put out big bins of free packets crisps for the drivers. Crisps give me heartburn, so not much use, but a nice thought.

And amazingly, they actually care about the drivers! Most firms treat drivers as a necessary evil, like customers in shops except they don’t have to be nice to them. Here they ring you up and tell you that it’s snowing so slow down, pull over and wait it out if you feel you have to. *gobsmacked*

 

The bad points are; nights are never great and the shifts haven’t been that long. A smidge over 8 hours per shift this week (after taking off the 45 minutes a day unpaid break.) You expect a 10 hour day average at least.

To be honest, apart from the relatively short shifts, it’s a great job. I am grateful for Hermes dropping me in the shit. Had it not have been desperate times I wouldn’t have applied for this after reading about it online. The assessment (‘harder than your driving test’) and their health and safety mania would have put me off. I was forced into applying but I’m so glad I did.

If it works out as it seems to be, I reckon this could be my job for life.

I have filled in my agency timesheet and my accountant’s expenses form. I just need an address for the former and one thing clarifying for the latter then I’m set up. Once you’ve done it once and know what you’re doing it’s easy. I hope.

Next week we’ll see how this actually translates into money in the bank.

Hermes don’t know I’ve got another job, but so far I’ve had those 11 days work, an offer of one shift and enquiries as to whether I’d be available on two Sundays. So potentially 14 days work since the 24th of December.  “We never have a slack period.” My arse!

I’m adjusting to nights again so I’ve not done anything except work, try to sleep, and sit around bog-eyed. Today, as soon as I got the text telling me there’s no work tonight I got up. I’ve managed to have an hour on the sax, do the weekly shop, and catch up on my blog.

Tomorrow I must get back to the running.

I don’t know at the moment how I’m going to fit training and sax-ing in around nights.  Also my Twitter time is suffering. All the UK people are safely abed when I have a free minute. Bah.

 

Wendy is still waiting for her surgery appointment. Bugger. I thought it would be hot on the heels of the pre-op. Wendy will be doubly glad to get back to work, poor sausage has to creep around with ninja stealth and contain the cat all day while I sleep.

 

Scratching my head here, but I think that is all of my news. Work. Nights. Sleep a bit. That’s been my life this week. 

 

I’ll finish off, as is traditional, with Twitter. Make the most of it, I may not have much in future.

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

Let me check this; Tories want a 50% vote before they ‘allow’ a one day strike, but law & order 365 days is run by a PCC with 7% vote. OK.

Why do media let Boris claim 70% of tube workers did not vote for strike? Using that logic, 76.5% of electorate did not vote for Cameron

Tory quote "Is Bob Crow still enjoying that council house, desperately needed for a poorer family?" Dunno. Is the Queen still enjoying hers?

Problem is Dave, plenty of us English folk want Scotland to get the fuck out while they have the chance! SAVE YOURSELF SCOTLAND! GO GO GO!

Somerset Levels flooding caused by water left behind by Labour, says David Cameron

Stand back in amusement and awe at the brilliance of UKIP (warning: you may die laughing)

 

 

And lovely, lovely General:

Conditions @ Porthleven today as the shipping forecast said "phenomenal"

“Sure, Tintin was pretty racist but it was just a product of its time!”

Platform staff at London Bridge: "Please make use of all 20 doors when boarding the train." A challenge in a 60sec stop, but I’ll try.

 

(Sochi Winter Olympics had Twitter buzzing with the anti-gay stance of Putin.)

The whole Olympic opening ceremony is going to be Vladimir Putin running around strangling stray dogs with barbed wire.

Speaking of the Olympics: As a reminder, the last terrorist to attack the Olympics was an American who was opposed to abortion.

This is a must watch:

https://t.co/fQcAqQFNEG

 

Saudi female college student dies of heart attack after male paramedics were banned from entering all-women campus

I don’t really believe in God, although I think lots of the Bible probably did happen. For example Moses’s burning bush was actually thrush.

(Spoof UK JobCentre account had) Our long term economic plan focuses on reducing unemployment by the easiest means possible. At the moment that’s starvation.

Plod gets jailed for one year for lying over ‘plebgate’ but nobody is even reprimanded over Mark Duggan shooting.Wrong values.

I call a spade a spade. But I call a fork an ’emu stabber’, a trowel ‘Mr Baby Spadaroo’ and a lawnmower ‘DANGER IN GREEN, THE HORROR’.

(A picture from the Mars rover) Look Back in Wonder… My 1st picture of Earth from the surface of Mars

What Disney teaches girls…

And there STILL hasn’t been snow this Winter in London. Outrageous when London contributes 156% of global GDP and 94% of self-importance

Art by Neil Simone

(Take your time and enjoy that.)

Breaking News : ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

In the Bahamas you can take a leisurely underwater ride in a sub.

Great to see Shakira and Rihanna lezzing it up in their new song. Can’t wait to see Jay Z & Kanye dry humping to shift more units.

Home Office minister employing your cleaner illegally?

Bad day at the office:

(Clean underpants. STAT!)

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA

What even @innocentdrinks ? They’ve never done anything.

And on that kitten-less bombshell,

toodles.

Buck.