Category: Life

I applied for that Walkers Crisps job. They had me fill in a load of paperwork then come back for a driving assessment on Monday. Walkers are really strict. The guy said they were health and safety mad. Other places accept that shit happens, there they go out of their way to make sure it never does. Fair enough.

But this meant a really stringent assessment. I hate them at the best of times. I drive for a living, but having someone sat there watching and judging me freaks me right out. I was a bag of nerves on Sunday night. Though surprisingly I slept alright. When I got up I was a bit nervous but mainly just keen to get it over.

The assessment was first thing, at 0600. I passed. Yay! Then I had to sit through hours of Powerpoint. There was supposed to have been two of us there but the other guy didn’t show, so the assessor had to drag it out to fill the allotted time. I had to suffer death by powerpoint, after an ungodly o’clock start, and the relief of getting the assessment out of the way, and an onsite cooked breakfast. It was hard.

I  finally ticked all the boxes. (Incidentally, there was a test on driving/ working time directive, hours. Only 7 questions, –eg drives for 2.5 hours, other work for 2 hours drives for 2 hours, 20 minute break. Legal Y/N-  apparently I’m the first one to get all 7 right! Go me.)

That was a hellish long day/ 5.30 hours.

Give me some work! Go!

Patience, young padawan.

Then the agency that runs the contract for Walkers workers, G.I. Group stepped in. They had to chase down my references. Not rocket science, you’d have thought. Pick up ‘phone, has he worked for you, is he OK? Job’s a good ‘un. No. Somehow Drivers Direct has to take a day or two to give me a reference. Though it took them less than half an hour to ring me and say if I needed any work they could get me shifts.

So there’s that.

Then the guy who handles the accounts at G.I. rang me saying he didn’t believe that Think Accounting (who run my ‘Buck the Truck Ltd’ company accounts) were accountants, he thought they were an umbrella company and as such G.I. couldn’t deal with them. I kind of thought the clue was in the name, but rang them anyway. Yes, they are indeed accountants. Quelle surprise. And they work with G.I. on lots of their contracts. *headdesk*

Emailed G.I.

A woman from G.I. just ‘phoned me. Yes, they do deal with Think, but I’d need to get a blank invoice template from Think, with my company name, my name, and address and fill it in with my hours/ rates for each week then send that in with my timesheet to G.I. each week, they would then confirm it and pay Think who would pay me.

Rang Think. No. G.I. are supposed to ring Think with hours and rates every week, Think then invoice G.I., who pay Think, who pay me.

*deathfromheaddesk*

I rang G.I., who asked for Think’s number and they are currently fighting it out between themselves.

Who new?

My little brain is fit to burst. I just want to work and get paid.

Anyway, the good thing is; Helen (from G.I.) reckons this is their busiest shift, and if I’m available for 5/6 shifts per week I should get at least 4. They can’t recruit enough to fill that slot. Of the 4 drivers that were supposed to be starting only 2 turned up.

I desperately need to get to work.

This is my third week of no work. Heads/ Hermes said there were shifts available last Sunday, but with the drivers hours laws, and me having to drive for my assessment at 0600 I couldn’t risk it.

I’m being paid for the induction and I should, hopefully, get Friday/ Saturday/ Sunday this week (possibly Friday/ Saturday, not sure when the pay week runs from/to.)

We have run up shitloads of debt with the tax bill and the car. Wendy is on half pay now (fair enough, really. She had 3 months full pay. Not many places would do that.) so I really need to get back to work.

Btw, Walkers is a dream employer by the looks of things. Agency workers get pay parity after 12 weeks service as the law intended, but as everyone got around by declaring us ‘self employed sub contractors’, they’ve just got a 2% pay rise (any pay rise these days is a miracle) and the full timers get 48 weeks paid sick leave! 48 weeks!  And the trainer was saying if the weather gets too bad they will call you up and order you back to base! WHAT?!  Ceva lads were getting stranded on hills in the snow last winter and told “wait for the gritter to dig you out, then carry on,” . Amazing.

This is of course all talk, which is cheap. The proof of the pudding is when I get doing the job.

 

The other thing from the last week is I’m back to sax-ing! Big whoopy-do! It has been eating away at me for months, but it’s one of those things that the longer you leave it the harder it gets to start again.

Plus, to be fair, I was training and working all the bloody time. You need to have a middle of the day slot to be able to practise. I’ve been slaving away for the last 5  or 6 days. I’m not that far behind where I was when I left off. ie, I’m still crap.

I’ve been keeping to the same tunes to get my timing right. That is the hard bit. Reading the music is easy, playing the notes is just practise, but jumping from three notes to a beat, to one, to two, and maintaining a rhythm, that is where it’s at.

I’ve started on some proper tunes today. Will You, by hazel O’connor, and Rhapsody In Blue by Gershwin. Now those are full-on tunes.

 

G.I. have just rung back! (Live action blogging, it’s the future!) They’ve thrashed it out with Think, I just need to send in my timesheet like usual. G.I. will tell Think, Think will invoice G.I. head office, who will pay Think, who will scam the tax man and pay me. To be honest, all past ‘usual’ was superfluous. I just want any easy life. Send in my timesheet, get pay.

Helen also said she’s handing my file to someone else, not the original guy, so I should be able to start tomorrow night now.  I think they’ve got the measure of him.

 

Tomorrow is Wendy’s big day as well, she goes in for her pre-op in the morning. Hopefully she’ll get her operation within a fortnight, now. We are desperately hoping that’s the case, anyway.

I’ll post as soon as we know.

 

Today was the first day my leg wasn’t knackered. A Swedish Twitter chum (who is a Masseur) apparently correctly identified that I’d torn my solaneus muscle, the one underneath the gastrocnemus (obviously.) Seem it’s the muscle we use to balance and lock us in place (so we remain upright over rough terrain, as in) if you stand on your toes and your calf hurts, it’s that bugger.

Anyway, no training.

 

But on to Twitter. There’s gold in them there tweets.

 

DMreporter lead with:

OBESITY UK: "It’s worse than we thought" doctors forced to admit "they’re ugly too."

IMMUGANTS: Cameron urges public to check sheds, garages and outhouses for missing 3 million Romanian migrants.

SLEEPER CELLS: ‘Romanian immigrants may have gone into deep hibernation to wait for a healthy economy’ warn MigrationWatch.

MADNESS: Iain Duncan Smith bans winter fuel payments for Brits living ABROAD but keeps it for foreign looking residents HERE.

 

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

Almost a month, and still no Bulgarian has come to take my job so I can live the alleged life of luxury on JSA. Worried media may be lying.

Could we be intellectually honest and call those who whinge about the top rate of tax "Rich People" rather than "Business Leaders"? Ta.

732,000 people have attended foodbanks, 250,000 were children, chief of Trussell Trust said on Saturday. And Tories bleat about extra 5p tax

I’ve not read all of the 1,200 comments on our new #UkipWatch blog but so far, & by some margin, this is my fave –>

If there is 1 thing George Osborne prays you, the taxpayer, never finds out it’s this

The reason you need unions

Tories brought in gagging law

UKIP weather guide, courtesy of the brilliant Private Eye

As the #EDL are marching in Slough today, I thought I would tweet this wonderfully irony photo again

A Woman should know her place!

Newspeak 2014: general secretaries elected by union members = "barons". Bosses of large firms who do not face any election = "leaders"

#bigbenefitsrow edwina currie shouting "get a job" at a single mother is a total disgrace and exemplified all that is wrong with tory policy

Shouts of "every mother is a working mother" from a group in the audience on live benefits debate!

"It is outrageous that London should be held to ransom by this tiny minority" says Boris Johnson of the RMT tube strike.

RMT strike ballot: 76% of a 40% turnout. Boris Johnson: elected Mayor on 44% of a 38% turnout.

 

 

And everyone’s favourite; General:

I never met my father. Knowing he was a top chef just rubs rock salt, fresh rosemary and a pinch of ground cumin into the wound.

Heavy protest in Canada

Try and contain some of that Canadian rage, fellah. #downwiththatsortofthing #steadynow

This has to be someone’s first attempt at ever holding a tattoo machine. Presumably with their foot. And broken toes

This guy put his name into Google to translate it into Russian. Tattoo reads "No Translation". Unlucky

He still thinks he’s a lap dog

IDEA: People who think others ‘choose’ to be gay should be made to be gay for a week & have gay sex to prove it’s a choice.

Fracking ?

Cool new uni-bike (it’s a real product that works)

(Micheal Collins, presumably an astronaut took this shot)

Venice oil sketch

I’ve not been watching Big Brother but it seems the lovable racist, disablist, homophobic wife-beating misogynist will win. So there’s that.

Kid you had one job not to spoil the photo

FISH FACT Despite their protestations, dolphins and whales are definitely fish.They look like fish and they live underwater. That’s science.

Ads are not even trying anymore

 

Children’s book you had one job.

My cat is sad because he called a faceless corporation and was told "your call is important to us", but it was a lie.

Awesome Mini conversion:

Hotel Fun: Reward terrible hotel service by doing this with your bedding just before you check out.

 

Cornwall takes a beating

.@marksandspencer I am a loyal customer but one of your ‘mannequins’ chased me around like a flying demon

 

And finally, FLUFFY PUPPIES!

Later,

Buck.

Last post I was breathing a sigh of relief that the 9 days of no work were over and I was back to full time work. I had to have the weekend off by law, then nothing all week. It’s now Sunday, 9 days with no work again.

Monday and Tuesday I didn’t mind, to be honest. I had taken the car in for it’s MOT and it’s been raining every day so I didn’t fancy riding in. (8.6 miles, just looked it up on Google maps. Nearer than I thought.) After that though, all bills and no work so no money I was getting worried.

The MOT was a bit grim. My poor little Polo has been run into the ground. It’s an ‘05 plate VW diesel, so in theory should be good forever. As I say, the previous owner just ran it into the ground though.Nothing has been repaired, loads just botched. When I tried to change the oil filter I saw that the cover underneath the engine had screws missing and was secured by cable ties. It’s that level of bodging that I’m having to overcome.

Anyway, I needed a new arm for something or other, a new suspension coil, bushes, and a several small things. I told him (in light of the ‘managed decline’ ethos of the former owner) to give it a full service. All the filters, oil, etc. That was £180! I figured do it once, know that it’s done, then just do the basic service myself in future. The worst thing was he said the headlight beams were off alignment because the clips that hold them in place were missing. But they are not a part you can buy separately, so for the sake of a few pence clip you need to buy two new headlights. He said he’d try to bodge that for me, and he did, thankfully.

Then when he had it stripped he noticed the brake cylinders were dripping onto my rear brake pads. So new cylinders and pads as well.

All in, it cost me £599.09! (+ £54 for a tyre I got myself.) Then £110 for tax for the year.

With the £3,466 tax bill supposed to be paid by the end of the month. (You don’t have to, you can pay it by the end of February, with tiny interest.)

All in all, I am more than usually focused on getting some work.

 

My Tory tax dodge thing has come through. I’ve just signed the paperwork and am now a managing director of Buck the Truck Ltd. I think.  Fat lot of use that is if I’ve got no work.

It’s such a bummer because this is an ideal job for me, especially when they move to the site 1.3 miles from my doorstep. But I have bills to pay. So tomorrow I’m applying for the agency that recruits for Walkers Crisps. The online forums say I’m in for a grilling. It’s supposed to be a 6 hour, mad intense, induction. With a driving assessment stricter than the driving test. Health and Safety mad (a tale of one driver getting a warning for walking across the car park too fast) and it’s nights. Less than ideal then, but even if you believe the online stuff (best to take it as a hint of what it’s like and make up your own mind) they all agree it’s very good money for an easy job. Right now that’s what I need. Who knows, give it a year, make loads of dosh, then see if I can transfer to days. I’ve done nights for ages before. It’s not bad, just inconvenient. But if you’re looking at the best part of £16 an hour it’s dead right for me right now.

We’ll see. I’m not counting my chickens on that one. Every driver will be trying for that. Anyway, that’s my first choice, but there are lots of jobs advertised. All agency. My agency is advertising my job at the moment and there is no work, so just because there are adverts doesn’t mean there are jobs.

 

My ‘phone contract ran out this month so I got to upgrade. Luke recommended the Nexus 5, the all singing-all-dancing Android ‘phone. A Twitter nerd chum said it was a ‘solid choice’ and  ‘Android as Google intended it’. So I ordered that. The bonus being it is a pound a month less than my old Galaxy W. It is groovy. I had a few set up hiccoughs. I was waiting, as it said on one of the notes, for the sim card to activate. All day. In the end I re-read it and it said ‘or activate it yourself at ….’ Balls. That did it. Then I texted all my contacts with my new number and set to learning it. I had the old ‘phone 2 years and never learned the number. Then Luke pointed out that it *is* my old number. Bugger. That’ll explain the landline recognising me as ‘Buck’. I thought it was Google techo-voodoo.

Anyway, once I’d got it set up it’s a great ‘phone. And the camera has a pinch to zoom feature. Probably old hat, but my old ‘phone didn’t have it and I’m mightily impressed.

 

Wendy went for her scan results on Thursday. They had to check that none of the gallstones had migrated. This can lead to blockages and damage to vital organs. If they had, as we were dreading, she’d have had to have waited for an appointment to have an endoscopy to try to dislodge them, them wait for another MRI, then wait for results, then, if clear proceed. It could have been another 6 months. As it is she was clear. Yay! This means now she has to wait for an appointment for Pre-op (where they weigh you to work out anaesthetic needed and such) then pretty quick after that she gets chopped up. So that’s all good.

 

I’ve gone and picked up another injury. I tried to run through it yesterday after a long, slow warm up. It wasn’t having it. There’s no point in pushing on if it’s going to lay me up for weeks or months. So I’m now resting until it’s well again. Hate this bit.

 

Now on to the point of this blog, ie stealing other people’s wit.

The wonderful world of Twitter.

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

10 Promises David Cameron once made that Tories have now #deleted from their website.

Welcome to Davos: tree huggers and hippies will be shot on site – no questions asked.

Just reminded of the Tory election slogan 1964 "If you want a nigger for a neighbour, vote Labour." They’ve always been scum.

A Labour government would restore 50p tax rate for those earning over £150,000, Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls says http://bbc.in/1f0ETDc

Crowd on Brighton beach greatly exceeds number of people earning £150,000 per year who can’t afford to

pay more tax.

 

50p tax rate will send "business" abroad? There’s a roster of volunteers to drive them to the airport: http://www.wewilldrivethemtotheairport.co.uk

"Milliband 50p tax stokes fury." Errr, where? Amongst the 1% and newspaper owners? *world smallest violin*

LORD RENNARD, LORD RENNARD, RIDICULE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

Thunderbirds seems the logical conclusion of Tory policy, with rescue services sold off to a nepotistic billionaire on an offshore tax haven

George Osborne awarded a boss on, say £800,000 a year, a tax cut of £40,000 in 2013, 2014, 2015 etc. Retweet if you disagree with this.

UKIP went more than usually off the rails this week, claiming that the recent floods were god’s punishment for allowing gay marriage.

@MetroUK: Ukip councillor blames bad weather on gay marriage http://ow.ly/2D3oLo "…..hahahahahahahaha

Après gay, le déluge. #UKIP

DESERT COUNTRIES. Solve drought problems by simply legalising gay marriage.

The Ukip shipping forecast by @NicholasPegg is sheer genius. You MUST listen to it now http://tinyurl.com/odvxj2j

If the weather would stay like this, all bright and dry, I would start cycling my 24 mile commute again. Damn the @ukip gays!

Dear @UKIP I quite fancy some snow this winter. Which particular bit of gay do I need to do? I’m pretty much up for anything.

This spawned the sublime @UKIPWeather:

A lingering look between 2 men at a gym in York has sparked concerns from residents living near the River Ouse

If you live in Maidstone, grab an umbrella! A man has become flustered after stalling his car at traffic lights

The clouds that formed as 2 men exchanged glances in a public toilet will clear following a discussion about Man Utd’s defensive frailties

Relief for residents near the River Wye as a man in Hereford offers his colleagues a Fisherman’s Friend without any attempt at gay innuendo

 

And last, everyone’s favest of faves, General:

Thing about training terrorist camps no one mentions is they are one of the more affordable options for people after a bit of winter sun.

I tell you what, Legally Blonde is currently teaching me a thing or two about the perils of judging a book by its cover.

Impress friends with your Bohemian lifestyle by only speaking Czech and insisting that the Austro-Hungarian Empire still continues.

There’s one musketeer who is dead but has been declared fit for work. His name is Atos.

A sweaty, saggy-trousered workman is in the office. His arse-crack is like the Mona Lisa – it seems to be watching you all round the room.

Ending an email with "Thanks" as a warning that you’re perilously close to losing your temper

Think before you pick a domain name:

"In the media, white people debate whether race matters, rich people debate whether poverty matters, and men debate whether gender matters."

Tibetan mastiff:

(As one of my chums noted, it looks like Bungle fucked a lion)

Justin Beiber, the pop darling of pre-teen girls, was arrested for drag racing his sports car while pissed.

Here’s an exclusive photo of Justin Bieber being arrested

In light of this morning’s events, here are some Justin Bieber Facts

 

Portugal decriminalized all drugs eleven years ago and the number of addicts in the country has decreased

by 50%.

 

How to guarantee a seat on the tube.

If you wake up next to a dinosaur but can still get WiFi, then it’s the DINOSAUR who time travelled, not you.

(Marmite was banned in Canada) Anyone looking to score some Marmite in Canada, it is now known by the street name "Satan’s Marmalade".

(Some fool flooded an exchange with fast drying concrete) The current situation at Victoria..

Look at them. Look at their puny satisfaction at having kept Him down with their liquid stone. Look how pleased they are. Pathetic.

Their liquid stone will not hold Him. It can only delay His inevitable rise. He is still weak from millennia of sleep. Soon He will feast.

He! The Stygian lord! He! Who will reap a harvest of souls! He! Ruler of signal failures! His time approaches.

 

Current mood…

Gmail is down, but on the bright side, so is Google+

This is what happened when your Gmail was down.

Is Your Bee Depressed?

Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23! Good going America.

It’s only ever class warfare if you ask the rich to pay more.

From Private Eye. This guy is the hero we deserve.

Are you Eminem?

And finally, cat.

Later,

Buck.

After my last post, worrying about not getting any work, it’s been all hands to the pumps.

I went in New Year’s day then they texted me the next day asking could I make it in ASAP, I did and that was that, non-bloody-stop since. I had one day off last week after 5 days, then worked 6 days this week. Not very many hours per shift unfortunately, but at least by being available at the drop of a hat I’m getting the shifts. I was talking to one driver and he said he’d only got 2 shifts in the week, they’d cancelled him on all the others. It might be a coincidence but after I couldn’t make it in that Sunday (‘cos they hadn’t asked me and I was in the middle of a 22 mile run) I didn’t get any work for 9 days. I did them a favour and I’m in every day the law allows. Which reminds me, there’s a manager at work who is a complete tool. One of those who has to be at the centre of everything. I asked the drivers if I have on day off in week (reduced weekly rest) can I then work 6 shifts before taking the requisite compensatory rest. They were debating it when he butts in “5 shifts, two 11 hour rests. End of!”

This is utter bollocks. The law says weekly rest is 45 consecutive hours, or reduced rest of at least 24 hours, once in a fortnight, to be made up in full the next week. 11 hours is the full rest on a standard day (can be reduced to 9 hours, 3 times a week.) Then when I was filling in my duty sheet he pulled me over my breaks. Told me just to put that I’d had 45 minutes, not the 1 hour 20 I’d been waiting. Work stop you half an hour a day for breaks, the rest is for your Working Time Directive. By the WTD law you can only work 60 hours maximum in a week, 48 hours average. The way driving firms get around it is by using Period Of Availability and breaks, neither of which count as ‘work’. So I can only drive for 9 hours a day (10 on two days) but if I’m sat around waiting to be loaded I can be at work for 15 hours a day. But only ‘work’ for, on average, for say 10.30. This is all driver crap that is of no interest to anyone else, none to the driver either, truth be told. I only mention it to explain when he told me to alter my break (“we prefer you to use ‘break’ because POA cuts into your WTD hours.” Wrong.) he was limiting the amount of hours I could work. Work must be using the WTD bit on the sheet to keep a track of how many hours you do that count as ‘work’. By altering it I’m going to be able to do less hours, therefore earn less pay.

As I say, it’s of no interest and I’m sorry to bang on about it, but I’m just showing what a dick this manager is. And how it could affect me. Balls.

On the bright side this gig is really improving my driving. At Ceva I was just practising two reverses a day, here I’ve got loads. And the yard is so tiny that there are only two ways to reverse your trailer in; right or crash. This was bad at first but I’ve sussed the technique now.

I was thinking about it the other day, 6 months ago I probably wouldn’t have been able to do half the stuff I now can. The sent me to do a trailer swap in Manchester last week. The bay was at the end of a tiny side street. I had to pull up on the street running across it then reverse into the street at 90 degrees. With cars parked on either side of the street I was reversing into. And an utter arse parked in a van on the corner.

Then I had to try and reverse onto the bay with this much room (looking down from my cab window):

 

As I said, it’s doing wonders for my driving. The other thing I’ve found out about work is the drivers all say ‘’”They lie”. Apparently everyone wants to get onto a morning start. I suppose I should have expected that.

 

 

Anyway,it’s dropped well for me this week as I have to have the weekend off by law and I have my first race of the year on Sunday. It’s only a half marathon, but it’s about how quickly I can do it.

The bad thing is I thought I was catching the ‘flu on Thursday. I had a bad headache all day, sinus problems, and I was aching. It cleared up the next day, though I still feel like I’ve got a lot of crap on my chest.

I’ve not run as I was saving my legs until Sunday. Now I’m not sure of my level of fitness. I’ll find out tomorrow.

 

This is the season of stress for me. The tax year runs from April to April, so I was caught out again when I got a begging letter off the taxman saying I had to have my self assessment tax return in by the end of January. *PANIC*  I managed to find myself a decent accountant this year, but because it’s a full year (and my tax is over £1k) that automatically triggers a tax thing whereby you pay towards next year’s as well. £2k tax bill, pay £3.4K. Balls. And another £1.5K in July!  Next year will be cheap, as I’m paying for 8 months tax and I’ll be £2.9K in credit, but this year is going to sting.

And it’s time for the car to be MOT’ed and taxed (in for test on Monday).  It’s never just the £30 for the test though, is it? I saw a nice car to cut down on my bills, this new VW hybrid. It’s good for 263mpg! I was all over that shit, where do I sign?

Expected price: £100k.

I’ll probably stick with the Polo.

 

I’m going to have to go Tory with my wages. There’s this company of charlatan snake-oil accountants who’ll set you up as a limited company, whereby the company BuckTheTruck Ltd pays me, it’s employee, £151 a week for tax purposes, then pays me, the CEO of the company, dividends, the tax from which is offset by a loan I, the employee, am taking out from BuckTheTruck Ltd.  Or something. Basically they legally cook the books so I pay bugger all tax. They do all the book keeping, end of year returns, etc. Hermes pay an extra pound or two an hour for self employed drivers, so I’ll be looking at about £90- £140 better off each week. And no future end of year tax bills. One of the drivers recommended the firm. His relative is a tax inspector and said it’s all legal. Just shameful. My only defence is; if you could get petrol/ diesel for 20p a litre, fags for 20p a packet, whisky for a pound per bottle would you say ‘No thank you! Tax me!”

No you wouldn’t, stop being awkward.

*hangs head in Socialist shame*

 

The other thing is I’m back on a diet. And it sucks bottom, but large. If I am serious about getting my sub 3 hour marathon (for starters) not carrying half a sack of spuds for 26.2 miles has to be an advantage. Well, for that I’d have to get down to 9 stone. I’d like to but Wendy keeps saying that as you get older it’s physically impossible to get down to teen weight. I’m going to look godawful but that’s not the goal. 

Talking of whom, she has *another* hospital appointment. 4 months she’s been having agonizing pains and she’s still not even on the waiting list for surgery. She’s seeing the consultant on Thursday about her MRI results. If they are clear he can then put her on the waiting list. Why does he need to see her to do that? As soon as it’s clear she should have automatically been put on.

Gail, Wendy’s high-flying nurse sister (relative, not rank) said when she was last hands-on it was a 9 week turn around. Under the Tories it’s 4 months so far.

 

I can’t wait to get this run out of the way tomorrow so I can get back to some proper training.

Anywho, enough of my wittering, let’s get to the Twittering.

 

The DMreporter starts us off:

NHS TOURISM: Patients with a skin-colour darker than Pantone shade 71-4c WILL pay for medical attention, say government.

2013: Daily Mail Traitors of the Year… • Doctor Who • Scotland • Tom Daley • Medhi Hasan • Alan Bennett • Angela Lansbury

2013: Daily Mail Hotties of the Year… • Any woman over 18 who ‘flaunted her curves…’ • Any girl under 18 who looked ‘all grown up…’

2013: Daily Mail Hunks of the Year… • Don’t be so gay.

2013: Daily Mail Villains of the Year… • Anyone • Everyone • Everybody • Anybody

2013: Daily Mail Villains of the Year… • Russell Brand • Matthew Perry • Ralph Miliband • All Romanians • All Muslims • All women

SCIENCE: Gene for claiming benefits ‘found in Romanian migrants DNA’ confirm experts.

TRUTH: Millions of Romanians HAVE moved to Britain to take jobs and claim benefits. Who are you going to be believe? Us, or your lying eyes?

CAMERON: "The state pension is safe with me. I promise. I guess you can say there will be no top down reorganisation of the state pension."

CAMERON: "A grassroots campaign of relentless, unapologetic, aggressive violence COULD convince migrants to go home of their own accord."

EXPOSED: How a tiny minority of benefit scroungers were receiving a bit more than others in accordance with their circumstances and the law.

LOOPYHOLE: Fury as it’s revealed immigrants with schizophrenia CAN claim benefits per multiple personality.

COURT: Another blow for Nigella as Charles Saatchi claims her recipes are full of kittens.

HEALTH: Woman incorrectly diagnosed with tennis elbow two years ago dies in car crash. We ask, when will the NHS admit responsibility?

 

 

Then it’s Politics/ Tory scum (I KNOW, OK?)

Don’t believe us. The Tories said it. ‘The NHS will not exist within 5 years of Conservative victory’ – Oliver Letwin http://tinyurl.com/czpcfh5

A paper whose executive editor is an advisor to George Osborne names him Briton of the Year. Ladies and Gentlemen, the British Establishment

Nobody gave us NHS, Social Security or Legal Aid. We paid for it & built it over decades.It’s not for any government to sell or profit from.

George Osborne says more cuts on way in ‘year of hard truths’ http://gu.com/p/3yty3/tw via @guardian Strangely only for the poor

For those of you who don’t understand why barristers are walking out this am, this gives an idea:

Osborne fights EU bankers bonus cap while trying to stop minimum wage rising by just 50p! #AllinThisTogether

One of the things that has convinced me we need to stay in EU is Tory desperation to leave. Clearly EU must protect poor in someway.

 

 

And lastly the lovely General:

Typical sight on the streets of the states.

No one want to hear about your fucking diet. Shut up, eat your lettuce, and be sad like a normal person

(James Blunt added the foreword to this tweet)  Nope, you’re on your own. RT @chickenoriental: I must be 1 of only 2 who genuinely likes every @jamesblunt song. The other person being him.

@Queen_UK put: Open the sodding gate, for Christ’s sake

Goldfish do nothing all day and have a castle so, technically, they’re doing better than you.

(To which I replied) Kind of like the monarchy. #deposethegoldfish #vivelarevolution

Adopt a lion. Fuck that! If I was living somewhere with animals that could kill me I’d be machine-gunning the mofos.

I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

Johnny Depp is set to play Helena Bonham Carter’s role in Tim Burton’s sex tape.

Please be aware that discarded party food can be a hazard for motorists

Yay! 2014! In the Chinese calendar I think it’s the year of the fat grumpy trucker.

One Romanian arrived at Luton looking for work this morning says @SkyNews. One.

Subsection, YouHadOneJob:

Electrician you had one job

Kid you had one job.

Disney you had one job

‘Oh, I dunno. Just make them look French…’

Who thought that was a good idea.

Pet shop customer I’m not sure that’s what they meant

 

Which one of you lot was it? #forshort

I bet young Hashtag is glad he hasn’t got these for parents.

Health and safety gone mad. #youhadonejob

 

 

Ken from Oxford reports that he was sacked from his job to make way for a Romanian, not because he emailed a photo of his genitals to a temp

My New Year resolution is to stop over-sharing on social networks. Even at times like this, when I’m depressed & in the middle of my period.

Me: "Hello" Mechanic: Your car is ready for pickup Me: Great! What was wrong with it? M: It’s a piece of shit. Get a new one.

Cameron vows to get tough on Bulgarian and Romanian migrants by visiting all 5 of them individually.

I have no idea why I was thrown out of the Pedant’s Society…

Reality TV pitch: 20 z list slebs dropped into African game reserve, naked and smothered in BBQ sauce. I’d watch that.

Gary from Crewe reports that the A&E department at his local hospital is full of immigrants! One bandaged his arm and another took an X-ray

What do we want?! WATCHES! When do we want them?! CRAP!

FUCK THE POLICE, FUCK THE SYSTEM

What you trying to say Walmart? #racism

AAAAAGH! A BABY!

We all have caller ID, cretin MT @JeremyClarkson: There are 1 billion people in India so why do BT not have enough people to answer my call?

I do love the internet.

That split second moment when you realise you’ve slept through your alarm

Trick people into thinking you work for the CIA by answering evey question with "Classified" and telling them you work for the CIA.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Mark Duggan was murdered by corrupt cops, covered up by the #IPCC. If that’s not the official verdict, Theresa May probably bribed someone.

The reality: Mark #Duggan has ‘very, very minor criminal record’, later conceded by senior officer, with only 2 fines (FINES!) to his name.

Some Muppet on my t/l saying "Duggan, what about Lee Rigby?" Why can’t they both be despicable murders? #fuckwit

Silly me,not supporting the police murdering black people is pearl-clutching leftie-ism. It’s only white people dying that’s murder.

For your own safety, please ensure that both hands are in the air & fully visible when leaving a mini-cab.

The only known civilian to witness the shooting of Mark #Duggan say he was "executed" http://bbc.in/1a1qjvN

41 unarmed people shot by police; no officer convicted. 2001 story http://tinyurl.com/pm6o9ux #Duggan

The police officer who shot and killed Mark Duggan has been cleared to return to armed duties

Full version of the ‘stone faced’ picture used by the media to vilify Mark Duggan. He was by his daughter’s grave…

 

 

Nativity scene, or two T-Rexes fighting over a watermelon?

"Benefits Street" is not a production of the Children’s Television Workshop,and has been brought to you by the letters D-I-V-I-D-E & R-U-L-E

next episode of benefit street

Shocking new image of the immigrants of #benefitsstreet

At least the #benefitsstreet warning message on 4OD is being honest

 

Omg! On radio, chap knocked off Harley by bus. Complains to bus company. Their reply? Sent him a hi-viz vest! *rage*

When people ask me what I do, I say I’m a micro-blogger.

It usually leads to sex.

William Harley and Arthur Davidson, 1914

3yo: Want a sweetie daddy? Me: Thank you. May I have another? 3yo: No I only dropped one on the floor.

How dinosaurs went extinct

I don’t know who put ‘likes wanking’ in my CV or how long it’s been there but effectively, you’ve ruined my entire life.

I don’t think people who say "Technically, pterodactyls aren’t dinosaurs" would say that to a pterodactyl’s ferocious dinosaur face.

There’s a noisy wood pigeon outside my window. There aren’t supposed to be birds around this time of year. It looks Bulgarian to me.

DISABLED parking spaces are the ideal place to park if you’re crippled with selfishness.

Are you the French polisher? Oui. Sorry I asked.

Scientists have developed a DNA test to tell identical twins apart. I can do that already. Jedward have spiky hair, the Cheeky Girls don’t.

 

Favourite death bed scene Priest; "Are you ready now to reject Satan?" Voltaire; "Now is not the time to be making new enemies."

90% of ‘vampire’ sightings turn out to be staple removers wearing capes.

When road signs need punctuation…

Sometimes it’s easier to just walk that extra minute

I couldn’t remember where I’d put my pet dolphin, and then it clicked

"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence." – Doug McLeod

If global warming is real, there couldn’t possibly be all that cold, cold ice in Donald Trump’s heart.

And finally, a Pug in a bunny suit. Because internet.

Later,

Buck.

It seemed adding long runs was the answer to everything. I did one 22 mile run, rested, ran for a whole hour at race pace. I did another, rested, ran for an hour and a half at race pace!

Incredible!

I was so pleased. My training had gone from 4 miles race pace then stopping for rests to 13 miles non-stop in the space of a week. You’ll note the past tense. I tried for another 22 mile run the day after and my knees and shins were killing me. I gave up and turned around at 4½ miles. It was painful and slow and I was worried that I was going to sustain a serious injury.

I suppose upping my mileage by 40+ miles in a week and smashing my endurance/ speed records was pushing it a bit.

Ho hum.

I’ve rested for 3 days, I’ll try another run tomorrow. I’ll do a faster hour on the tready.  I know I can do a half marathon at marathon pace (smashing 13 minutes off my previous best time!), now I need to get to get faster.  I was planning on *just* upping the miles I can run at race pace until I was at marathon distance but if I have to protect my knees, I’d better do shorter and faster runs for the time being. Make it so race pace is a comfortable plod.

I’m a bit miffed to be honest, it seemed like I was going to be up to full marathon at race pace within a month. Now it looks like my body needs time to adjust to the extra miles. Balls.

Talking of which, I was looking for this month’s Runner’s World today, I came across a magazine called ‘Men’s Running’. Fail immediately. Running is running. With the tagline “For runners with balls.” Epic fail.

Then I started thinking about Chrissie Wellington, the almost unbelievable British woman who won the World Ironman (female) event three times. Each time setting a new World record. Her best Iron distance time is 8 hours, 18 minutes, 13 seconds.

8 hr, 18 min, 13 sec.

8.18:13

To swim 2.4 miles, ride 112 then run a marathon (26.2 miles).

Obviously I’m just a fat old duffer, not a proper triathlete, but my best was 13.32 . I sometimes think about taking swimming lessons, really battering the bike and continuing with my sub 3hr marathon training and if I was really, really good scraping in under 10 hours. Even that isn’t likely.

A woman did it in 8.18:13. Tell her that it’s a male only running magazine.

To be fair there was a ‘Woman’s Running’ magazine. Presumably about the latest in pink running kit, who was dating whom in running circles, and what didn’t make your arse look big in lycra. It’s like that pink email about a women’s triathlon event. They already have them, they are called triathlon events.

 

In other news, work is worryingly slack. I had 3 days last week. I was out on Sunday afternoon, 15 miles into a 22 mile run, when the agency rang me and said I was in work. I pointed out that I wasn’t and that no-one had told me and I was in the middle of a 22 mile run. They asked what time I could be in work, I had to say ‘not tonight’, by the time I’d finished the run I wasn’t fit for shit. I told them I could work Monday or Tuesday, but that I’d have to be told first as I’m not psychic. Nothing was forthcoming. I don’t know whether the agency were trying to blag me into going in or whether work were actually expecting me on Sunday, but I’ve had no work since. I’ve got a shift tomorrow (Sunday) starting 1900 hrs. If they don’t cancel. We’ll have to wait until things settle down after New Year to see what the score is, but so far not too impressed.

Wendy is worrying as she’s not got her appointment to see the consultant yet about the results of her MRI (or was it an MMR?) yet and she’s only on half pay from here on in. If I’m getting full time hours we won’t even notice, but if I’m on one day a week money would soon get tight. Also, this month I’ve got to MOT and tax the car. It’s a shame for Wendy though. She’s been dieting for 6 months and looking forward to an xmas binge, she had one day’s troughing and was up all night throwing up and crying with pain. She’s back on her diet.

I’ve finished all the creamy/ xmassy goodies today. Tomorrow I start my diet. Think how easy the marathon will be if I’m carrying half a sack of spuds less around.

 

But enough waffle, to Twitter!

The DMreporter had:

FORECAST: Christmas Day ‘could be ruined by Labour’s disastrous unchecked immigration policy’ warn meteorologists.

ART: Portrait of Tony Blair unveiled at Royal Portrait Gallery

WAR: North Korea warns South Korea it will attack without warning.

IAIN DUNCAN SMITH: “Food banks exist because people use them. If people didn’t use them then they wouldn’t exist. It’s simple really.”

SHOPPING: ‘Any customer who tries to buy pork from a Muslim employee WILL be classified as a racist and reported to the EU’ confirm M&S.

WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Fury as shoppers at M&S are issued with a fatwa just for buying a Peppa Pig pullover.

IAN DUNCAN SMITH: “People who use food banks just can’t be bothered to go shopping. Try Ocado – they deliver, it’s really no effort at all.”

DAVID CAMERON: “Merry Christmas to everyone who earns over £40,000 a year!”

POVERTY: Number of children hospitalised with malnutrition doubles in a year. IDS – “it’s a credit to the Tories that the NHS is coping.”

 

 

In politics/ tory scum there was:

This painting of an 18th ct woman totally looks like David Cameron in drag

MP Nadhim Zahawi who claimed £5822 on expenses to heat his stables says Child Benefit should be limited to 2 children.

EU: Here you go UK, £22m to feed your poor. Tories: Dude, we LIKE making the poor suffer. Go blow it on champagne.

#bbcnews 500.000 people now fully reliant on food banks & Cameron’s priority is tax cuts for millionaires

While these MPs are debating #FoodBanks it’s worth noting that the taxpayer spent £7M on parliament food & drink in 12/13

It is perverse that so many wealthy MPs, who have subsidised food expenses, voted against feeding people who have nothing. #FoodBankDebate

If you earn £60,000 and have your food subsidised, don’t point at people on min wage and say they’re not budgeting properly. #foodbankdebate

Tories warn Labour that we shouldn’t "politicise" food bank issue. As if people starving in 21st century Britain isn’t a political issue!

#bbcnews Ester Mcvey walked out on the #FoodBankDebate to do paper work to claim her weekly £400

food bill.

Tories not accepting money for food poverty shows you,they want poverty.its not austerity,its demicide.culling of the poor.

Boris Johnson on urban foxes: “They look cuddly, but they’re a dangerous menace.” Such irony.

Michael Gove, the man who had to pay back £7,000 in expenses, says people who use foodbanks are “not best able to manage their finances”.

25,000 British ‘immigrants’ live in #Romania & #Bulgaria – will David Cameron be seeking their repatriation? #EU #freemovement

Food banks give people a helping hand and Tories say the recipients are scroungers, when £750bn was given to bailout the banks not a word.

“Redistributing wealth from top to bottom is called socialism. Redistributing wealth from bottom to top is called austerity.” (Max Keiser)

#IainDuncanSmith is very upset about the ‘Britain Isn’t Eating’ poster, so I wouldn’t dream of posting it:

2013 and this rotten government in a nutshell:

So the police are giving #Foodbanks 20,000 from proceeds of crime but IDS still insists there is no problem..

Ah, I’d missed that. Osborne launching legal challenge against EU ruling that bankers can "only" receive bonus of 100% of their salary.

Glad someone is standing up for those poor under-paid souls. Hmmm.

Two thirds of single parents and 1 in 10 of all parents in the UK are missing meals to feed their children. #Britainisnteating

Martin Rowson on a very Tory Christmas – #IDS included – Guardian cartoon

I’m glad David Cameron visited people affected by the storms. Will he now visit a food bank to meet families affected by his policies?

Disabled man, blind commits suicide after starving for weeks when UKGov/DWP/Atos slashed his benefits http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/benefit-cuts-blind-man-committed-2965375 …

 

 

And lovely, lovely ‘General’ was as eclectic as ever;

This damned fog. Two hours after leaving the house, I find myself back outside my front door, naked, covered in snake bites.

Flesh coloured leggings. Yes or no?

*Facepalm* RT @louisebrealey Ah, this is brilliant. Journalistic gold from The Sun’s Tom Newton Dunn:

(Wendy’s signed us up to a charity after seeing that. Fair do’s.)

Parisian shop window suggests realistic alternative to liberté, egalité, fraternité

Opinions are a lot like orgasms mines more important and I don’t care if you have one

Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under your wheels

CONVINCE people you are the Mandela Memorial Interpreter by doing the Birdie Dance.

Miserly billionaire parasite Frau Windsor stressed about people eating her cashews. Try struggling to feed your kids you miserable old shit.

GIVE Christmas puddings a 21st century touch by adding a handful of Bitcoins to the mix

"Milk used to give Poppy tummy aches. Not anymore." Because I told Poppy that milk is the blood of dead unicorns & also that she’s adopted.

#ThingsBetterThanXFactor Putting your underwear on in the morning, but it’s not underwear, it’s nettles. Toothache. A Deep Heat handjob.

#ThingsBetterThanXFactor Your finger going through the loo roll as you wipe. Retching but nothing coming up. Kidney stones. Panic.

#ThingsBetterThanXFactor Pickled onion yoghurt. Piles. Posting a vague Facebook status and nobody asking "u ok hun"? BT’s customer service.

I am playing the #XFactor drinking game. When it comes on I go down the pub.

(Probably ‘shopped but cool picture : )

There could be a Regional Newspaper looking fo, 1) Journalist ; 2) Type Setter ; 3) Proof Reader

Fifty Sheds of Grey tweeted: ‘Do it,’ she begged. ‘OK,’ I said, tying her hands and gagging her, ‘But there must be easier ways to avoid putting on weight at Christmas.’

Another shot of Norfolk’s finest, Barn Owl hunting in this evening’s light ! Chuffed :o)

I don’t particularly like this pub but it’s the only one in range of the baby monitor. #babysitting #bestuncleever

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men. Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

"Share this photo to spread awareness of cancer". Thanks for that. I’d never heard of cancer previously. #FacebookShittery

Loving Virgin America’s last call announcement: "We’d hate to leave without you, but we totally will."

The Daily Mail knows who to blame on the day a predatory paedophile gets his 35 year sentence:

Disabled restroom you had one job

These two Facebook statuses made my day

BUS CRASH IN LARNDAN! Inside, secret to eternal life discovered in Leeds

"Religious wars are basically people killing each other over who has the better imaginary friend" — Napoleon Bonaparte

remember, with the ice storm, don’t be a fool, take the unicycle instead

Also, one child’s mum brought the staff a present – a watermelon that she had carved. How amazing is this?!

my boyfriend keeps trying to take cute pictures of me, SO ANNOYING

I love that lots of people are sharing this around. Maybe you’d like to tweet it too?

Best #nativity scene ever?

Map of countries that kill you if you are gay; notice that there are no celebs hashtagging outrage for any of them

News just said Google have purchased eighth robotics company in six months. #cyberdynesystems #skynet #wereallfucked

@brilliantads had:

Brilliant Google Ad!

Take your age. Subtract 2. Then add 2. That is your age.

My favourite screen grab ever

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote. – Ben Franklin

Facebook needs a "Wow that’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

marking essays about leopards. starting to hate leopards. whats for dinner i hope it’s leopards pie

Is this real? Is Nick Griffin actually this stupid?! Just, wow. #OperationWhiteVote #BNP #NotEvenHidingItAnymore

(it is real btw, off their website. Just goosestep over there if you don’t believe me.)

It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.

Give yourself an idea of UKIP’s views on employment rights by working longer hours for less pay and sacking yourself without notice

Apparently if you get caught shoplifting in @marksandspencer they will now cut your hands off

Daily Mail coverage of Birth of Jesus: ‘Irresponsible Mum gives Birth to Fatherless Child As Bethlehem Swamped with Immigrants’

"The Sun" How Mary got her figure back in just 6 hours. The real Xmas Miracle

Daily Express coverage of #BirthofJesus: ‘Immigrant Births in Bethlehem UP as Extreme Weather Means YOU’RE Paying’

Telegraph: Unmarried Christian couple turned away from b&b

The Guardian coverage of the #birthofJesus: "Virgin Mary’s Immaculate Conception Hailed As Dawn of New Feminist Wave"

EXPRESS – Shepherds and angels reveal Diana: the TRUTH

Daily Mail: Immigrant Child Given Gold Frankincense and Myrrh for Being Born; Local Children Get Nothing.

Fact: Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than meat-eaters. 9 horrible, tedious, meaningless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

My favourite thing in the world, the shipping forecast is on @BBCRadio4. If you’re unable to listen, I’ll summarise. DO NOT go on a boat.

The clock ticks. A turkey sits, untouched, surrounded by trimmings. "They forgot again," whispers Dre sadly.

Oh to be 75. Asked Grandad for password which has to be 8 characters for new iPad and he said ‘snow white and the 7 dwarves’ Lovely

My son has just got his degree in English medieval literature. Just have to wait for the job offers to start rolling in now!

Malnutrition cases in English hospitals almost double in five years- http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/malnutrition-cases-in-english-hospitals-almost-double-in-five-years-8945631.html … – People who are so hungry they are hospitalised

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

As if I didn’t despise the Mail enough

Pope Francis Excommunicates Priest Who Backed Women’s Ordination and Gays <<Time magazine Person of the year.

This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

 

And finally. . . what do you get if you cross a French bulldog with #TheGrinchWhoStoleChristmas?

And on that festive bombshell,

Toodles.

Buck.

I’m getting there, people. My new strategy is showing real results after only 3 runs. It’s hard to get the tready time when I’m working. I did my first attempt at an hour at race pace of 6.45 m/m, managed 3 miles (3 min rest) something like 1 mile, rest, etc up to 6.25 miles in the hour. And that was tough. The next time (on tired legs) I did 2½ miles, rest, 1½ miles (at too fast speed), rest, etc  making 7 and a bit miles.

Today, with legs as fresh as a daisy, I did 4 miles, 3 min rest, 2 miles, 2 min rest, 50 seconds rest a bit over half a mile. Anyway, the point is; I ran 4 miles before my first breather, then 2 miles. In total, a smidge over 8 miles in the hour. That, my friend, is progress.

The best bits were the periods where I was thinking, ‘this ain’t so bad, I can keep this up all day’. Then my breathing got ragged and I was really battling to make an arbitrary point before stopping. This is also good. By saying at 20 minutes ‘keep going fat lad’ and pushing it really hard for the last 4 or 5 minutes just to keep going, I’m strengthening my legs and my willpower.

This month’s Runner’s World caught my eye. I’ve bought the last two issues but each time I do, and take good stuff from it admittedly, I think I’ll probably not bother with the next one. This month’s was a marathon runner’s special. The first article I flicked to in the shop was a guy who’d run a 3.43 and was asking could he go sub 2.50.

Here, take my money.

Damn you, Runner’s World!

He said he was running 8½ to 9 miles in an hour on his speed training day. My third attempt (with breaks so plenty of room for improvement as I condition my body to the pace) was 8 miles. The thing the expert advised was for him to build in more rest time (oh yeah, I’m all over that shit!) and one proper long run a week. Over 2 hours. Not so much about the pace at that distance, just training your body to keep going.

So tomorrow morning I’m donning my running pack and doing a 20 miler. Then, if I’m up to it, speed work with my running club at the night. We’ll see.

……..

Didn’t get around to finishing that post on Monday, it’s now Saturday.

I took their advice and slapped in a (lamentably slow) 22 mile run. It was beastly. I put on my pack with two full water bottles and set off to Frodsham. As I’d done my new PB on the tready the day before my legs were none too cooperative. The first 4 miles I was actually considering sacking it and coming home. Then I thought I’d do it, but was still really pacing myself so I’d have something left for the return run. It wasn’t until I got the psychological boost of the return journey that I started picking up the pace.  100 yards before was slog, as soon as I turned around (with 11 hilly miles still to do) I was fine. All in the head.

Anyway, that knackered me right up. A perfect storm of beastliness. Tired legs, hills, grass and tarmac, being a fat knacker, etc.  I didn’t do the training with my club in the evening.

I didn’t get another run in until I was unexpectedly cancelled from work today. Which is itself troublesome. The coach in Runner’s World who was raving about long runs as part of your marathon training was saying ‘someone who only runs 90 miles a week but does two long runs will be better than someone who runs 120 but only does one long run’.  Errr,…. ‘only’ 90 miles? I’m lucky if I manage 30! OK, that’s going to increase quite a bit with the addition of the long run(s), but still.

Oh, and troublesome that this close to xmas they are cancelling shifts. They should be running flat out now, what is it going to be like afterwards?

Anyway, I did my run. My new warm up is 5 minutes at a slow jog, then 4 minutes at 6m/m. This shows my legs and lungs how cushy they are getting it when I switch to 6.45 m/m pace. Then a few minutes rest, then set off at race pace.

I was going strong. So strong I was checking I was at the right speed. My last run I managed 4 miles (dying after 3 but determined). This time I was still going strong at 4 miles, breathing OK, legs coping. I pushed on.

I set a new PB at 30 minutes, then 40! By this time it was starting to come apart. I was suffering, and I kept losing my breathing. I determined to make it to 45 minutes. It was bad but no worse. I went for 50 minutes. A song came on that was just the right tempo so I put it on repeat, gritted my teeth and ran the full hour!

So chuffed!

The long run is now a welcome training aid. Before I was chipping away at my goal, now I am all over it’s arse! For the first half hour I thought I might be able to just keep on going at that pace. 13 miles, maybe even the full marathon. Obviously I couldn’t, but even when it got tough I managed 20 minutes more. That’s after one long run.  Bring it on!

Bugger. After all that enthusing I suddenly crashed. No energy left.

I’ll do another post with just of Twitter.

Sorry for luring you in under false pretences.

Later,

Buck.