Category: Life

I’ve had a bit of fun in the Lakes the last two weeks. Friday last week, when I was looking forward to an early dart so I could do some hard training on Saturday, I got to my furthest point from base and broke down.

I’d gone under the trailer I was to take and started the ‘tug test’ (where you try to drive forward, twice, to make sure you are properly connected.) There was an electrical type smell and a red light flashed up on the dash saying the clutch was knackered.

Ace.

I rang work and they got a local mechanic out. He tried to reboot the clutch but it wasn’t having it.He wanted to call out a tow truck to recover the truck and trailer but I told him the route I have to take you physically can’t fit a truck, trailer and tow truck. He left. I rang work again. They said they’d send a driver up in another unit (truck). 3 hours drive. He didn’t have satnav and didn’t know the run.

Can you see how my day was going?

I told him that he was going to have to take the bloody scary route I have to use as the main road is still closed to lorries. To be sure of my instructions I asked a local driver.

I told him I take the A591, as per the traffic office’s directions. “All our drivers go that way.”

The driver strongly disagreed. There is a simple route of main roads and dual carriageways that only puts about 10 minutes on the journey. The 591?  “No driver would ever go that way!”

Better and better.

The thing is though, after crapping myself for the first week, I quite like that route now. It’s demanding but so focusing.

This meant I had to talk the rescue driver through a route I’d never travelled. The blind leading the blind.

He got there in the end and I drove the unit and my trailer back to Irlam, there to drop him off and carry on to Crewe, then back to Irlam.

The one good thing of the shift was one of the Crewe drivers had come into Irlam and they talked him into hanging around. He took my trailer off me. So it was only a 13 hour shift. *muted yay*

I went up again yesterday. You’d be amazed at the amount of people on a Bank Holiday who don’t expect an artic and 42’ trailer to be barrelling around the corner on a tiny road. At least I now know what a car and caravan sound like when they are sliding to a stop. There must have been nearly an inch between us on that bend. Big girl’s blouse. It’s amazing how soon you adjust to the tolerances. There is a bit on the A57 (Manchester Road) going to Irlam. Just one corner, that I always hated passing lorries. Now I don’t even think about it.

It’s been a week since that driver told me of the other route, I’ve still not used it. Ho hum.

It is kind of tricky though, there’s the A591, then an unavoidable 4 mile stretch down a windy B road. Here is where one of the drivers took a creative short cut:

Of course, for more common fails you have to look to car drivers:

1 out of 10 for parking, 6/10 for effort.

Saying that, I was about 2 miles from my last drop the other night and some arse had managed to roll an artic on the roundabout. They shut the road so I had to go back to the motorway and come off at the next junction. Lorry drivers! Bastards!

 

Work had me in on Bank Holiday Monday, but no work on Tuesday. Couldn’t have done it the other way around so I could have a long weekend. Grrrr.

Anyway, I thought I’d make the most of it and treat myself to a long run in the Lake District. I drive through there every day and yearn to be out running over the hills.

I drove up there after researching a trail run on a large scale map I bought. The online maps recognized a place right next to where I wanted to park. I didn’t take my fancy pants trucknav as I’d be away running for hours and I was scared it would get nicked. I pulled off the motorway at junction 39, pulled over and input the name on my ‘phone’s maps (google, same bloody maps) and it didn’t recognize it. Obviously. I tried to get there from memory. That was never going to work.

I ended up at a parking spot by a reservoir. I looked it up and it didn’t seem that far from where I had intended to park, so I thought I’d run across country and then start.

Oh dear, oh dear.

I kept on running along a path only to have it hit a fence, or private property or just stop. I finally found a track that seemed to be going in the right direction and after several misadventures got to here:

It took me 2½ hours running and staggering to get there. The place I should have parked was down at the bottom by the lake, so I ran down. It doesn’t look that far on the snap above, but it was nearly bleeding vertical. It took me 40 minutes to climb back out again. When I got to the bottom there were lots of people there. One middle aged woman must have said “you should be running it” to her husband as I heard him saying, “Maybe 40 years ago” as I passed. How old are you, mate? I’m nearly 50!

On the way back I braved a field that had suddenly gained a shitload of cows. They were particularly vicious looking cows so kudos to me. Apparently they sent word by the bovine grapevine though, because as I tried to drive home their kin bullied me:

Look at the belligerence. They were just waiting for me to get out of the car to eat me. Would they bugger move! I ended up driving off the road on the grass to get past them. Bovine bully-boy bastards.

It is now Sunday and my legs are still stiff. Hell of a run.

Btw, I didn’t wear my headphones for the Lakes run, thought I’d be at one with my environment and listen to nature. Nature sounds like a fat old duffer wheezing his lungs up. Who knew?

I had this vision, driving through the Lakes, of a smooth cinder path, steep up to the top of the hill then running in a gently undulating path along the spine of the hills. HA! When I found a path it was marsh, rock or vanished into grass. And straight up or straight down.

Well, it’s got it out of my system.

Talking of off road running though, I bought two new pairs of trainers. One for gym (speed work on the treadmills) and a pair for trail running (for the 50 miler in a few weeks). The latter pair were gore-tex topped and supposedly waterproof. Big-arse tread to give grip.

I ordered both pairs from the same manufacturer (ASICS- which incidentally is actually an acronym from the Latin for ‘healthy mind in a healthy body’.*tumbleweed*  Sorry, I thought that was interesting.) Both the same size, US 7.5, which I read off my current pair of ASICS. The trails ones were snug though. I mean tight. As they were, as I say, the same size from the same brand, I assumed it must be a design thing; that trails ones are meant to hold you more firmly.

I went for a run. It was going to be a 50 miler. By 7 miles into the first 14 mile lap I was in misery. I shuffled back in a right state. Way too small. 9 of my toenails have turned black, one leaking fluid when I trimmed them. That was after 14 miles.

Go, as the Yanks would have it, figure.

I’m going to have to put them on ebay as I’ve worn them. Arses!

 

Surprisingly, after my bump, Iceland wanted me back yesterday. As I’d only done a 4 day week I agreed. We needed the money as, I have just remembered, I entered next year’s Outlaw triathlon this week! I hadn’t really thought about it. I was considering the brand name Ironman or the Outlaw. Quite by chance I saw a tweet from the Outlaw account saying there were only 540 (or something) places left. I went on to their website and they wouldn’t let me enter. Apparently they’d operated a pre-registration scheme that you had to sign up for weeks ago. The only way you got to know of that was from the website, they didn’t send me an email. (I ran an £18 marathon earlier this year, *they* managed to send me an email!) This gave the pre-registered ones a 24 hours window to book before it was open to everyone. Anyway, this panicked me into booking as soon as it opened. The half distance sold out within 24 hours.

I’m in!

Oh dear god, what have I done?

There are still a few places left if anyone wants to join me?

*tumbleweed tsunami*

We are going on holiday to Devon for week in a fortnight, after that I am going to go to the Warrington Tri club swim lessons. I know I’ve been saying it for years and never gone, but I’m going to have to force myself. If I can get a good swim time, ride regularly to work and keep up the running I could really make a go of it next year. Swim is the thing though. Crack that and I will be a contender. I’ve got the grit for the rest.

Also, after the holiday I’m changing job. I’ve had enough of being ‘self-employed’ agency.

Which brings me back to my opening point as I so won’t be working for Iceland. That run yesterday…

My trucknav charger broke. £400 of kit let down by a £22 charger. And that’s only because it’s their brand name. It’s less than a tenner for a crap cigarette lighter charger and lead. The only charger that lasts the distance in a truck is the Jabrawave one. I’ve had loads of £3 ones that melt in a day, the Jabra one is £8 but just lasts and last. I’ve ordered a USB to 3.5mm female jack lead. If that works I’m sorted. I may order another Jabra just to be on the safe side. The long and short of that being I was left using my ‘phone satnav. For a car.

OK, that’s not Iceland’s fault, but it immediately made my life a lot worse. Then when I’d got to the first store, and had to screw it round at full lock (where your cab is at right angles to the trailer and you push it round)  I found I had to unload the pallets on an incline with a a hand pump truck. Then I had to move all the deliveries for the next two stores out of the way to get at the frozen pallets, behind a padded, moveable, division wall. I got off their two pallets, moved the wall back, barred it off, pushed all the remaining, overloaded pallets uphill against the wall and barred them off. Then the guy said, “Errrr, aren’t we supposed to have four pallets of frozen?”

AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Start again.

It was such hard work, against the incline, on floor that was frozen, then melting. I lost my rag and punched a few things a couple of times.

Screw that! I’m going to Hermes. Trunking. Never open a trailer, never mind do all that dicking about. Supposed to be easy drops to big yards. It’s more money, even with the umbrella scheme that takes out your NI and tax and you get holiday pay. It’s taken me a long while to realize that. When you consider 4 weeks a year unpaid (if I was to take them, which I don’t as I can’t afford it) my wages are crap. I was only doing it initially because it was all I could get, then because I thought I could get taken on full time so it didn’t matter. Now I see it’s long term, and I have employment options, I’m getting out.

This should give me a bit of a life as well, as you can choose your preferred start time window. As mine will be mornings (say 0400- 0700) that should give me a few hours a night before bed. I’ll get to see Wendy more than a few hours a week and maybe do some club training. Maybe even night school for languages lessons. German for me, French for something to do with Wendy.

Anywho, that’s all if and when.

 

When are you going to stop waffling and tell us of Twitter? Right, now! Yay!

 

The DMreporter had:

WEATHER: Leeds Festival hit by torrential rain, teaching revellers an important lesson about the folly of youth and the mediocrity of music.

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Butterflies Tu) Salad We) Cocaine Th) Hubris Fr) Puppets Sa) Dorset Su) Foreign neighbours

SYRIA: David Cameron to consult Simon Cowell on how best to sell ‘a terrible idea that benefits no-one’ to the public

SYRIA: British government unanimously vote in favour of Syrian airstrikes after USA threatens to revoke Piers Morgan’s Visa.

 

 

In politics we had:

"’Young lack the grit to get jobs’, says minister (4th generation MP, son of a cabinet minister, Eton, Oxford, etc) God he’s had it tough!

The £6735 Tory MP Nigel Adams claimed for a spare room for his dependents is equal to over 9yrs of #BedroomTax at £14 per week

The bedroom tax has directly resulted in a £1.5 billion per year annual increase in housing benefit spending. *slow clap*

The Americans are to produce a dossier to justify war. I feel a sense of déjà vu.

The people who say we have no money for hospitals and schools meet on Thursday. To decide how much we spend on bombs… Think on that.

"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it & eventually they will believe it." (Hitler in 1933; Cameron, Shapps and IDS almost daily)

"Capitalism has defeated communism. It is now well on its way to defeating democracy." (David Korten)

So I don’t suppose the UK or US or French government would care to put the question of air strikes in Syria to a popular vote would they?

Which country in Middle East has illicit caches of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction?

UK Parliament will vote on Thursday on whether to form an alliance with Al-Qaeda. Funny old world. #syria

Of all the urgent & unavoidable crises that have forced us to bomb other countries, this is surely the urgentest, unavoidablest & crisisest

"If all you have is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail"…*Gen. Wesley Clark. #Syria

"We are at war with Eastasia. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia."

#Houla massacre was immediately blamed on Syrian govt which after investigations turned out to be work of the rebels. Just like #CW massacre

Well. The whole #Syria situation was headed for regime change. Who could have predicted it might have been the UK regime…

Ed Miliband is dividing the nation by selfishly representing the views of two-thirds of it. #isthisright

Boris, who backed #racistvan and the targeting of non-white minorities, wants free movement for Australians in the UK http://www.theguardian.com/p/3t9qc/tw

Cameron recalled parliament and ends the day with a defeat and shouts of "resign" ringing in his ears DOH!

Remember when #Israel used white phosphorous on #Gaza? Didn’t merit intervention 4 years ago #Syria #chemicalweapons

New York Daily News react calmly to Britain’s Syria no-show.

seems most of the posh people are angry they don’t get to send poor to fight a war for them. #syria

John Kerry says evidence from #Syria about chemical weapon is as "clear as it is compelling". That doesn’t make it either.

Wondering where Kerry’s concern was when the US, West Germany, Switzerland & others assisted in their ally Saddam’s gassing of Iranians.

History will judge us harshly if we don’t engage in a limited tailored bombing campaign not expected to change anything.

Sky lit up just now. Either impressive random fireworks or Assad is trolling Cameron.

#ObamaSyrianMovies The Drone Ranger

"if minimum wage had increased at same rate as pay of FTSE 100 directors since 1999, it wld now be abt £19 an hour" http://gu.com/p/3tdkq/tw

 

 

General was as lovely as ever:

I don’t know why Hugo Weaving bothers learning the script of a film. When he talks, all you hear is “Mr Anderson”

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

VeryBritishProblems had: Requesting your P45 after discovering someone in the office has used your mug

Just had to carry a doughnut back to my boss without taking a bite.. now I know how Frodo felt.

The Canadian curator account posted this picture:

I posted a picture of someone’s reg, my Swedish chum @GLarAuna replied:

Help, you’re driving in the wrong lane!!

Me: The rest of the world has got it wrong, we know we’re right.

Her: Hah! It’s so cute, that certainty :p

Me:We started on horseback, so right handed ppl could draw sword and fight ppl coming the other way

Me:nowadays the rest of the world have to shoot oncoming traffic left handed. #losers

Her:Haha! Most ppl are right handed, at least they’ll hold the stearing wheel steadily.

Me:Good point. You don’t want to cause an accident while you are shooting ppl 

(Actually that’s not that entertaining. It was funny at the time.)

 

I had a rant after someone got all self righteous:

Fur, fur, glorious fur. Going to buy a mink jock strap.

it’s funny how animal activists spray the old ladies in minks not the Hell’s Angels in leathers. #twats

I don’t condone animal cruelty in any way but some of the self righteous hypocritical twats that shout about it make want to punch a kitten

See that kitten? The one with the black eye? That’s your fault.

Disclaimer: no kittens were harmed in the making of that tweet.

Internet joke:

“Ok, we have you with us for 4 nights in room 404.” “I just hope I can find it!” “I’m sorry?” I hate myself sometimes.

One-legged man falsely accused of benefit fiddle after officials examined the wrong leg http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co.uk/legged-man-fal

I just got back from the friend zone. There was nothing but unattractive people there.

 

‘My cousin reckons you need 11-12k net a month to live properly in London if you are doing the private school route.’ What is life.

"3k rent/mortgage, 3k pension, 2k bills/food shopping, 3k private schools/childcare, 2k holidays, car, clothes, clubs, socialising"

Christ-on-a-bike.. Is this a spoof site? "Vegetarians are evil" http://www.vegetariansareevil.com/ " @LorrieHearts I KNEW IT!

FYI single males, this is currently being given out outside Embankment statement. Meet women "unspoiled by feminism"

Just watched an ageing hippie get a strop on because someone was on the petrol pump he wanted. Some lentils are in for a hard time tonight

And this is why men have more fun at #weddings

 

"Who do you want to play Batman?" I ask the mob. "Someone who has already played him!" one man shouts. "We lack imagination!" another wails.

As a dad, I have to go to all the big superhero movies. Ben Affleck’s casting has actually made me love my children less.

A new (to me) spoof account, NigellaFarage had:

Presentation can say a lot about your personality. For example, when making a fry-up I like to serve the black pudding on a separate plate

Love Indian food? Then why don’t you move there!

Before cooking trout I like to make sure it’s thoroughly Nick Clegged – Gutless and without a backbone

Undecided on how to serve your eggs? How about on David Cameron’s face

 

Poor old Richard Dawkins was copping for flack. He noted: "It’s a lovely day!" Check you’re privilege. Your a dick. What does "lovely" even MEAN for atheists with no absolute standard of loveliness?

feel sorry for @RichardDawkins sometimes. Poor chap can hardly throw away an orange peel without hitting an idiot.

Two guys tried to rob a cafe in broad daylight. It didn’t quite go as planned.

youtube.com/watch?v=UwjSsqjNKuw …

Holy Mother of Everything Russian dashboard cameras http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1FzYg?autoplay=1&modestbranding=1&rel=0&showinfo=0 …

Got an email that said ‘Want to see Ed Sheeran live?’. At first I thought it was a ransom demand.

Travelling cats and dogs……..

Colleague: "I used to play in a band." Me: "Covers?" Colleague: "Nah, our own stuff." Me: "What were you called?" Colleague: "Depeche Mode."

REDUCE the risk of people dawdling after paying at the supermarket checkout by leaning forward and gently smelling their hair.

At a cat show. It’s like the Internet, but with odours!

Hoping this bottle of cheap red plonk will improve with age. I’m giving it about 10 minutes.

The rain. It won’t stop. Like reruns of Big Bang Theory, it will never stop. It will only cause horror.

Church sold orphans, including to paedophile (considered of good character as promised not to use contraception) http://www.irishcentral.com/news/New-scandal-erupts-over-Irish-children-sold-to-America-for-adoption-168588836.html …

You say tree hugging I say amateur Ent porn.

In the salon of success you get the perm of perseverance. It looks terrible on you but you keep it anyway because it was really expensive.

If twitter had been around when Martin Luther King was alive, he could have told everyone about the dreams he had. Every. Single. Morning.

Any hotline is a suicide hotline if they put you on hold

Guys, I just tried to type Womble & autocorrect made it Wimbledon. I think it’s become…self-aware.

USING the expression "I understand" rather than "I read on Twitter" will convince others you’re a Sky Sports News presenter.

New Jersey denies application for ATHE1ST license plate as "offensive" http://buff.ly/1a0eho5 New Jersey – not Iran

I’d rather watch Chewbacca get a bikini wax than watch Miley Cyrus twerk.

And finally, a baby giraffe:

 

Later,

Buck.

I’m trying to think what exciting things have happened in my sabbatical.

Well, last week I had a bump at Iceland. That was an utter downer.

Some berk parked his van just where I needed to put my cab for the reverse. I had to swing the trailer around one building and between it and another. Because it was a roof top delivery they also had 2 feet tall barriers to protect the buildings. Rather than ask the van driver to move (which, in retrospect is what I should have done) I screwed the trailer in really tight. Unfortunately I lost side of the barrier on the blind side and caught it with the mudguard of the unit. Balls.

I think that’s my Iceland driving finished.

It’s one of those situations where you are just looking at the hanging off mudguard and kicking yourself. Not a thing you can do about it. Balls, balls, balls.

That was supposed to be a quick shift last Saturday. With waiting for the mechanic and the bodge fix it turned into nearly 13 hours.

The long and short of which is I didn’t get to run last weekend.

 

The weekend before I did the first 10 mile lap, then one lap of the 14 mile route then it rained on me and I lost my mojo. I’d gone at it too hard and fast (about 3½ hour marathon pace) and crashed suddenly. Plus the new energy powder I got at nearly half the price of my usual has the unfortunate side effect of knocking you sick. This is doubly bad as it gives you an aversion to drinking it, hence a failure to hydrate. Also, with the training as I’m doing it, the laps start and finish at home. This means you need massive mental strength to force yourself back out the door when you are already in a bad state.

However, after that pitiful 24 mile effort I resolved to do it right next time.

 

Today was next time. I set my sites on the full 50 miles. Ambitious, as it would only be my second run over marathon length, but as one of the mantras states; “You are the only person who can say you can’t do it. And you don’t have to listen”.

So off I jolly well trotted. I did an 8 mile lap, then I planned to do the 14 mile lap thrice. I’ve ordered some trail running trainers with a goretex top, supposed to be waterproof. They haven’t arrived yet though. So obviously it poured down and there were loads of puddles. My trainers were soaked after the first 14 mile lap so my feet were rapidly ruined. The rest of me was soaked as well, but that’s not too much of a problem in warm weather. I managed 2 laps but I just couldn’t face sloshing my way back along the canal path again. At the point where the path turns off to our house or carries on if you want to do the 10 mile route I carried on. If I’d have gone home, soaked and shattered, I would have quit. After 40 miles it suddenly goes from being painful hard work to almost unbearable misery. Happily by then my feet had come up in a million blisters which promptly burst, so walking was more painful than running. I shuffled the last 6 miles. It was so, so bad.

Anyway, that’s 46 miles done. It took me 8.29 so I have five hours in the bag to crawl the last 4 miles. It may come to that.

 

Today, (Sunday) has been fun already. When you casually swing your legs out of bed then they refuse to stand up. Hobbling to the loo. Ho hum. Whaddaya gonna do?

 

Also while I’ve been away I’ve had a very frustrating line of thought. I went to Sainsbury’s to get my free range chicken (for my low carb curry) and they had my usual £5.50 one and a dearer free range one. Upon closer examination the Freedom Food’s one I’ve been getting is RSPCA monitored indoors chickens. Bollocks.

So I got the dearer chickens. £6 and nearly £7. When I mentioned it to Wendy she said they are still stuffed with growth hormones and such, the only way to get a proper chicken is to get free range organic and they are about £12 a bird!

Suddenly I got to thinking about rabbit. More specifically, I got to thinking about bagging some bunnies myself. The Country File website said it’s good eating and that rabbits are increasing their number by 2% every year so need to be kept in check. For the price of an air rifle you’ve got free, totally organic, absolutely free range lean meat for life.  

This struck me as genius.

Then the frustration started.

They have changed all the laws since I was a kid. Then you grabbed a rifle, popped it in a gun bag then shot the shit out of anything you fancied, anywhere.

Not so anymore. You are not allowed to shoot on public land, and if you are caught on private land with a rifle, even if it’s in the gun bag unloaded, you can be charged with armed trespass! Up to £1000 fine, 3 months in jail, and confiscation and destruction of your rifle.

Oh.

Then I read up on hunting permission. Apparently it’s like gold dust. As a journalist on a air rifle forum said, it’s like having a stranger knock on your door and ask to play in your garden as they don’t have one.

Which leaves me in catch 22, I need an air rifle to practise my shooting so I can get permission to bag bunnies, but I need somewhere to practise my shooting before I can ask for permission to start bagging bunnies. If you see what I mean.

The real thing that’s holding me back though is the potential interacting with people. It seems the best approach is to send letters to all the local farms, but then, if anyone was interested, I’d have to turn up and be all sociable.

Well, that’s on the back burner for now. The rifles are a bleeding fortune for a start. It’s loads cheaper to buy a shotgun or a real rifle, but for those you need a firearms certificate, lockable cabinet and pre-agreed shooting permission. Again.

 

In shock news, I’ve had a hair cut! It was getting on my tits having sweaty hair after the ride in to work and having it flopping about when I was training. I had the genius idea of putting it in a bobble and cutting the length off. But wait, you cry, that will leave it long at the front and short at the back!

Way ahead of you. I put the bobble on the top of my head.

Which left it long everywhere apart from on the top of my head.

Balls.

So I hacked at all the long bits.

Surprisingly this made it worse.

I know, I was amazed as well.

I decided to go to a hairdresser and get it all to one length. The local one looked good enough so I said “I want a trim” she said she’d see if there was a stylist free, here’s the prices; £28!

Nah, bit steep, I’ll leave it.

So I went to a barbers. I said “just straighten it up” by which I meant ‘cut it all to a standard length, please mr barber’.

He obviously had his own ideas of what constitutes straight. He gave me a short back and sides. I’ve not looked like this since I was 12!

 

The first shows that it doesn’t lie flat when brushed back, the second show what happens as soon as it rains.

I am growing it as fast as ever I can. I may sleep with my head in a bag of compost.

Woe onto the house of Bucky.

 

Anyway, today we have more funness planned. We are going to Bent’s garden centre in a bit. We popped in last Sunday on the way back from a run out to Bolton. It was a bit of a fail day that. I realised I no longer had my better pair of trainers and was running in my old uncomfortable ones. I worked it back to when I’d last had them and it was when I’d ridden to Bolton, changed from my cycling shoes to trainers and did the hill run. Then I changed back. My trainers didn’t make it back to the house so I’m guessing I got distracted and left them there. We went back, like I say, but they were gone. Then we nipped to Bent’s on the way back, just in time to see how massive and impressive it has grown then they were closing. Bah.

So, Bent’s today. Then Kick-Ass 2! Apparently the reviews have said it’s not as good, but Hit-Girl. Purple bob wig. Hit-Girl. Got to watch. Then it’s the return of the MotoGP after the long summer break. Huzzah!

 

Enough of your waffle, what of Twitter?

 

The DMreporter had;

TRAGIC: Revealed – the 10 sexiest victims of Italian car crash who have Facebook pages with relaxed privacy settings.

HEATWAVE: Evidence of global warming or are the Muslims to blame? We investigate.

SELFISH: Gay couple risk triggering the rapture as they launch a legal challenge to be married in a church.

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mon) Rape Tue) Misogyny Wed) Violence Thu) Homophobia Fri) Racism Sat) Hate Sun) #TwitterSilence

BREAKING: We break #TwitterSilence to report on #TwitterSilence. Who’s silent? Who’s not? What are they wearing? Why they’re wrong

EXPOSED: “He’s gay!” Former lover makes sensational claims of BBC star Graham Norton on our tell-all interview.

POLITICS: Government eradicates unemployment by creating 2.5million zero-hour contracts.

APPEAL: Has your beloved child killed themselves after being TROLLED TO DEATH? Contact our newsdesk for sensitive and balanced reporting.

BRITAIN IS BOOMING! Reports of a 0.2% rise in interest rates over 2nd quarter of 2013 makes everyone’s life much much much better.

THREAT: ‘Figure hugging’ clothes and short skirts to be banned from school where Jeremy Forrest seduced pupil. Because that’s the problem.

SCIENCE: Why feeling generally contented about life could KILL YOU.

SPORT: Will homophobia at Winter Olympics inspire gay athletes to move faster? Fury over perceived advantage to homosexual competitors.

A-LEVELS: Attractive, white female students celebrate exam results by jumping in the air and waving their hands excitedly (pictures).

CREDIT: Previous headline inspired by special post graduate correspondents @bryanjones63, @pontycyclops and *everyone else* on Twitter.

This weeks Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Digital radio Tu) Mud We) Gravy Th) Algebra Fr) Knuckle hair Sa) Crying Su) People called Alan

BREAKING: Diana – we fucking told you so!

 

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had;

BBC news. "Is there common ground between the Israelis and the Palestinians"? There was but the Israelis have taken it. #thisisajoke

After the Tories sent a racist van out saying “Go home illegal immigrants” (but only non-white ones) there were some good replies;

proposed response to the tory #racistvan to be sent round Kensington and Hampstead

"When did it become OK to say ‘Fuck off back to Eton’?" Excuse me while I play the world’s tiniest violin: http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jakewallissimons/100228971/when-did-it-become-ok-to-say-f-off-back-to-eton/ …

If only Old Etonians had some sort of political structure to represent themselves, or even a voice in media. #solidarity

Strange how they only call it "class war" when it comes from below.

FYI @ukhomeoffice, laying in wait to trap and racially profile "darkies" at tube stations does not constitute a "raid". Illegal and immoral.

Dear @ukhomeoffice, when oh when will you start enforcing the wearing of yellow stars for all brown people? #finalsolution

Clarification: millionaires giving themselves a 2k a week tax cut whilst imposing bedroom tax on ppl on £62 p/w is *not* class war.

I walk past headlines saying ‘city food bank has huge demand’ & remember UK is 7th richest country in the world. Austerity is a lie.

Glad you cleared that up! Israel Chief Rabbi: I only called black people "niggers" because I knew it would get laughs http://www.timesofisrael.com/?p=620198

William Hague says Zimbabwe election result "doesn’t reflect the views of its people". That’s something we have in common then.

If a dog kills someone Tories want even longer prison sentence. Police kill someone they get slap on wrist.

Deaths last year by dangerous dogs? 3. Deaths by drunk driving? 280. Yet the former is the priority?

British Gas profits hit £22 PER SECOND yet refuse to rule out further price rises. Enough greed. Nationalise it, now.

"When I feed the poor, they call me a saint, but when I ask why the poor are hungry, they call me a communist." – Helder Camara

A Trade Union which is happy to be described by an employer as its ‘partner’ is not a Trade Union. Its Judas with a clipboard.

Eric Pickles says bins have made life hell for families. Not depressed wages, benefit cuts, unemployment or housing shortages. But bins.

Is The Thatcher Years really on telly? 2013 was my favourite

 

 

And general tweets was as good as ever:

During training cant wait to race, during race can’t wait to rest, during rest and in pain can’t wait to train its a vicious circle #athlete

(I commented:) During training wish I was dead. During race wish I was dead. Recovering wish I was dead. #lardarse #eejit

Greeting your boss with the phrase "Cowabunga!" shows both professionalism and an awareness of contemporary culture.

Just minutes ago! > How one stupid Twitter troll went from abuse to apology in minutes:http://liberalconspiracy.org/2013/07/29/how-on-stupid-twitter-troll-went-from-abuse-to-apology-in-minutes/ 

The pope says its ok to be a gay priest as long as u don’t have sex.next it will be yes to female priests as long as u don’t have a vagina

PlioceneBloke had:

Big attempt of forage nettle but just taste of massive scream gob pain (and:)

Mix dirt mud in big warm stink milk for make massive smell paste of hair spike. Because worth it. (and)

Brick not invent yet, or wall. So all in all just think another caveman in small shrub for now.

 

I noted some fitness phenomena:

Thirsty lately. Symptom of something dire. Googled it. It’s called ‘riding 22miles in summer syndrome’. At least now I have a name for it.

Also known as ‘chronic hypochondria’. Chronic. See, I knew it was bad.

Saw a plump, red faced, 30+ running woman about to effortlessly overtaken by a skinny, tanned, crop-topped 20 y/o. 1/2

2/2 I was identifying with the fit one when I suddenly realised I’m the fat chick. #gutted

Hour 20 of diet. Considering cannibalism.

Also sports coaching. Ultra training? Put on your trainers, run 38 miles, stop. Next time 50 miles. I take paypal.

 

I hate seeing women in headscarves like this, such an oppressive world we live in. #creepingsharia

Passwords are hard. They must now contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a sympathetic protagonist and a twist ending.

Dear World: it can cost thousands for a personalised numberplate, but only £33 to change your name by deed poll. Yours sincerely, SG11 HWT

We live on a windy island surrounded by water. So obviously the answer is more fracking.

I was once thrown out of a porn cinema for being "too vocal" about the continuity errors.

Highlight how immigration is a ticking time-bomb by walking into Sainsburys with an alarm clock in one hand and some explosives in the other

Forget descriptive names – salads in Starbucks have names such as Thai and Mighty, Holy Guacamole and Hail Caesar. I like.

Wiggins showing how crap he’s become by taking 56 seconds out of World TT favourite Cancellara to win Stage 7 #tdp2013

Best Facebook comment:

Perhaps the creepiest family portrait in the history of photography … ever…

Rammstein – Mein Land http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1AjjRC4-RU&sns=tw … << A truly great tune. In German.

Then they go all sublime and do it Americanized. Hilarious and brilliant:

nme.com/nme-video/youtube/id/6hSlbNhgoZo …

I got a bit miffed about the Twitter boycott lead by an up her own arse journalist, Caitlin Moran;

Is anyone doing that boycott thing? I mean, "I’m so great that Twitter will implode without me." Really?

This is like that #twittersilence on Remembrance Day. That pisses me off as well. Just don’t like being told how to be angry or respectful.

Have they all gone? Missing them already. Still, at least we can all call them twats with impunity now. #glasshalffull

They were right, Twitter is a hollow shell without them. Devoid of purpose, bereft of wit. #meh

Chemical castration! Chop off their tweeting finger! Make them say they are really, really sorry. #justbeinghelpful

*surveys the bleak and desolate Twitterscape, bereft of a few self important journalists* *tries to give a fuck* *fails* Good morning all.

 

Others said;

Lost another Caitlin Moran fan, trolliday is always a difficult time of year for me.

I’m boycotting the Twitter boycott tomorrow because I’m THAT much of a hipster

"@thoughtcat: I boycotted Google Plus WAY before social media boycotts were trendy." << I’m boycotting Myspace as well. #hipster

I’m so looking forward to the pundits and columnists writing ‘My day without Twitter’ articles tomorrow

I just don’t understand what’s difficult about using a block. If someone was abusive in real life you’d remove them/yourself from situation

Abuse is NOT OK, but giving someone like Caitlin Moran a ‘Report Abuse’ button is like giving a toddler a mallet in a room full of hamsters.

If somebody sent a poisoned letter, it wouldn’t be up to the Royal Mail to ensure they never sent a letter again. Why is Twitter different?

 

I can’t believe it. Incredibly radical, brave choice on part of producers. A straight, white dude. Gutsy. #DoctorWho

Yeah he’s British when he’s winning but Scottish when the Daleks win.

"SIGN THIS PETITION TO MAKE JANE AUSTEN THE THIRTEENTH DOCTOR!!!!!" First thing that will happen when #twittersilence ends. Guaranteed.

Doctor Who boss Steven Moffat: “We had a short-list. It went ‘Peter Capaldi’. It was very short”

I think an older doctor means River Song should be brought back. I think this *points* cup of tea means River Song should be brought back.

 

"You expressed yourself in a way that I slightly disapprove of. I’ll kill you, you kitten-strangling, fascist bastard!" – people on Twitter.

I really hope that when I’m 90 my internal monologue post-shower isn’t STILL ‘It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again’

GIVE work colleagues that ‘Deal or No Deal’ suspense by closing the lid on the toilet seat after use.

Saw a beautiful sight yesterday: car in outside lane, up someone’s arse, flashing like mad, oblivious of cop car behind him. Lol-ed.

Tim Lusher’s "Worst. Detention. Ever" has probably already wiped the floor in this caption competition

Ensure that you avoid Halal meat by only buying produce that has been beaten to death with a baseball bat by Bernard Matthews

pride and prejudice but with lions. #amwriting

Want followers? Tweet something funny. Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest. Can’t say anything honest or funny? Try Facebook.

"How to be outraged on the internet" http://thepessimist.com/2013/08/07/how-to-be-outraged-on-the-internet/

CONVINCE your wife you’ve been looking at porn by throwing your laptop out of the window as soon as she walks in the room.

Genius. Russian guy altered his loan details to 0%, sent back to bank, they signed without looking, bound by it. #awesome  http://mobile.news.com.au/money/banking/no-fees-0-interest-bank-fail-as-man-scribbles-his-own-terms-on-credit-card-contract/story-e6frfmcr-1226693921929 

Cool: Burglars return stolen goods to group that helps sexual assault survivors. You gotta read the note    they left

 

 

GAME: Stand at a tube station with a group of friends. When passers-by mention their destination, shout "mornington crescent". All cheer.

Poet @okwonga has created something rather beautiful in response to the relentless ugliness of the trolly men:

Dear invisible men,
Who tweet women endless threats of rape,
Who are you?
Are you married fathers of two?
Are you teens crowded round a friend’s phone in a canteen or KFC?
Are you pausing between texting your first love,
To set yourself up as an egg,
And post fresh hate?
Where are you as you type this?
Is your girlfriend asleep in your arms,
As you peer over her shoulder at your phone?
How did this become your sport?
You are not proud of what you do;
If you were, you would not care who knew.
This is strange:
You loudly announce pride in your prejudice
But your invisibility suggests your shame.
There is such an anger in you
That it cannot be cloaked with jokes.
I pity the mirror that has to reflect your misery,
Since it must see so much.
Because the women are everywhere now,
Aren’t they?
They weren’t just content in your beds,
Now they’re not just in your clubs,
Or in the eyes and hearts of other men;
The women are in your classrooms, boardrooms and DJ booths,
They are obstructing you, or ignoring you,
Not needing you to improve.
Swiftly, they are sweeping you from every stage,
And the only place you feel safe
Is in one-hundred and forty characters of rage.
I doubt that, as you type, you will ever pause
To think that, while you promise terror,
The greatest fear is yours.

 

I *finally* have more screens and monitors in my house than I have friends! <<FTW!

12 y/o mugger is getting really pissed off at me for tweeting about him, especially when I turn my phone round so he can watch me hit tweet.

Panic over, everybody. Mugger has gone and sat down elsewhere. He called me a pussyclart. I asked if he knows the Pokemon theme tune.

Tonight, all channels: 7pm: Shop a Scrounger 8pm Scum Britain: Benefits Bastards on the Take 9pm Vermin UK: Do You Really Need a Wheelchair?

Hello:

Police account tweeted: Just dealt with a Shoplifter at Tesco. The lady tried to leave without paying for some jars of baby food, two young children with her.

Re last RT, Tory Britain. 7th richest nation on Earth, poor reliant on food banks, stealing baby food and being driven to prostitution

The coppers busting a woman shoplifting baby food gives me chance to dust off A. France’s quote from 1894. Nothing has changed.

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

@ThegoodBuck and Tesco’s felt the need to call the police #shameonthem

My favourite customer, so far today, is the one who asked me for decapitated coffee.

I couldn’t haul sheep. Inhumanely packed, sad faces, pathetic bleating. See also Virgin rail conductor.

On the coach, asked my 10yo what he’s listening to. "James Blunt". I’ll miss him but I’m hopeful he’ll get taken in by a nice local family.

Cycle of Twitter. Yay A levels, don’t be upset A levels, stop fucking talking about A levels, stop snarking about talking about A levels.

I didn’t get any A levels and look at me. *whistles "suicide is painless" *

Make your own snooker ball by sucking a bowling ball for several hundred years.

 

TLF Travel Alerts kept their finger on the commuter pulse:

We will be tweeting an important announcement for passengers on the central line as soon as we’ve worked out what the plural of octopus is.

Octopuses?

Doesn’t matter, they’ve gone.

 

You call it "wanting to be ideologically sound", I call it "not wanting to be a hateful prick". Potato potahto.

And on that politically correct note,

toodles,

Buck.

Hot. Damn hot. Hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.

To be honest I think the BBC’s weather reporting is getting a bit too informal.

It has been beastly. Mainly due to the garage pissing me about so I’ve been riding to work every day in this damnable heat. Not that I wouldn’t have anyway. Committed triathlete and all. *coughs*

The insurance people and the garage’s own telephone crew said “it could be as long as 5 days.” That was 19 days ago. They say the replacement panels they were sent were damaged so had to re-order them. Then when they came to fit them they noticed the front panel was damaged as well so they’ve had to order that. Now they are saying they should have it done for Monday, so I’ll be able to pick it up Tuesday. Bah.

To be honest it’s just the weekly big shop that has been the problem. Riding to work is what I’m supposed to do. I’ve not been able to give Wendy a lift in of a morning, but that just means I get more of a lie-in, so her loss is my gain. And my training’s loss. Lie-ins mean I’ve no time to train before work.

Talking of which, I read a forum on Runners World about who was up for next year’s Outlaw. I read a few pages and got a bit irritated with the preachy attitudes. Noobs, you’ve got to be able to ride X miles in Y hours and swim like a dolphin or you can’t do it.

I commented that I’d done one ride over 60 miles, less than 20 swims in 2 years and had buggered my run fitness with an injury for several months before this year’s Outlaw, finishing in 14.09. “If you are a bit stubborn and eat at every feed station you can do it.”

I thought this was an encouragement to the newbs, if a fat old useless duffer like me can do it, anyone can.

What I failed to consider was some of the people on there had trained really hard and only just scraped a finish and some were DNF.

Oops. My well meaning post was perceived as saying they were all shite.

As you can imagine, this generated some comments.

I later backtracked. As that was my second a basic level of fitness was enough to get me through. The first year was tough going from my first half marathon to my first Outlaw in 9 months. But I did it. So what was that? Just over a year to go from coach tatty to Outlaw.  Of course it was hard, it’s meant to be. Grit your teeth, man-up and do it.

Which brings me neatly to today. I thought that 50 mile run was in about 4 weeks and I’ve not done any distance training. So I strapped on my trainers, loaded up my bag, found a 38 mile run route and set off.

It was bloody awful. Well, the first 10 miles were fine. Nice easy trot, no bag. Then I got back to the house to load up for the next, 14 mile loop. That was pretty bad, 3 water bottles in my bag, blazing sun and mad muggy. Then I had to do it again. That was really bad. On the second and third laps I headed the Ultra runner’s discipline of walk/ run. They mostly said 20 minutes/ 5 minutes walk. I found one that said 25/ 5 so I went with that. It turns out it’s not really about resting your legs, they don’t feel much better when you get going again, it’s the mental thing of knowing you rest in a set time. Anyway, I baked my arse off. So much for the promised rain and coolness. The good thing is when I took my shower the bag still hadn’t given me webbing burns or bruises.

I was a bit disappointed as when I set off I got to thinking that perhaps I could continue and do the last 12 miles. By the end of the 38 miles though I was in a state. I’ve never run more than a marathon before. Some people consider that quite challenging. Doing a marathon plus 12 miles, carrying a bag and 3 water bottles took it out of me.

Then I strolled (OK, staggered) around the corner to Sainsbury’s to get some pancetta for a quick carbonara feast.

And it rained.

Of course it did.

Then I went to the link for the 50 mile run. It’s not until the 22 of September. *weeps steaming tears* Oh aye, I’m red and poached. Glowing like a ‘lecy toaster element.

With 3, 15 minute pitstops (to change water bottles, eat, cry like a girl etc) it took me 7 hours. In that sun.

But as Wendy pointed out when I’d only done 24 miles and was trying to steel myself for going out again, possibly to do the full 50, if it came to it I could walk the last 12 miles and still be within the cut-off.  It’s 13 hours so I could walk and have a picnic. And a nap. And take a long, hard look at what the hell I’m doing with my life to be running for 50 miles.

The big bright side is the Chester marathon is going to seem really cushy. No bag, only a marathon distance and no other events first. Easy life.

 

I’ve been thinking about the Arch to Arc again.  A bucket list tri if ever there was one. (You know the one, run from Marble Arch to Dover –88 miles-,  swim the channel, then ride to Arc de triumph in Paris –300k’s-)

I made thought I was on safe ground mentioning that on the Runners World (triathlete section) forum. I said ‘”I mean the ‘proper’ one where you swim the channel. I’ve just checked and there is one where you kayak it.”

Got a reply, “The kayak one is on my bucket list.”

I give up.

 

Sunday; weighed myself this morning, I’ve lost 3½ lbs after my trot yesterday.

Another crap sleep, the weather has cooled down but I am cooked to a turn. Not good for sleeping.

 

Well, what else?

Not a lot.

We’ve just watched Kick-Ass again in preparation for Kick-Ass II in 3 weeks. *excited face* I’d forgotten just how good it was. Brilliant.

 

I’m a bit tired and my brain is not really working today so I’ll just update you on the wonderful world of Twitter then get off and try to recover.

 

The DMreporter had this;

PHWOAR: Six bikini clad beauties flaunt their enviable assets as they help police with their enquiries after witnessing brutal decapitation.

PHOTOGRAPHERS: The Daily Mail is looking to fill a number of freelance positions. Please get in touch if interested

USA of AMERICA: Detroit saved from last minute bankruptcy by corporate takeover by up-and-coming conglomerate Omni Consumer Products.

PHEW: Mosque bombing suspect revealed to be Ukrainian, thus protecting our carefully cultivated ‘terrorists are foreigners’ narrative.

THREAT TO RECOVERY: Food banks to be privatised, run for profit and renamed ‘McDonalds’ say government.

THUNDEROUS GOOD LUCK: Number of lazy scroungers identified by government is exactly the same as those on benefits, making cuts much easier.

CRIME: Paul Gascoigne charged with assaulting two people in drunken attack. The loveable rogue.

ROYAL BABY SPECIAL: Kensington Palace spokesman denies baby is cynical move to reduce Bedroom Tax for the royal couple.

ARROGANCE OF WOMEN: Exposed – the militant feminists mothers of Mumsnet claiming to ‘know how the Duchess feels’ in hate-filled forum posts.

BUSINESS: Monsanto buys private security form Blackwater; changes company name to SPECTRE.

CELEBRITY: Fury as pregnant girlfriend of Peter Andre keeps Facebook privacy settings turned on. We ask, what is she hiding?

 

In politics/ tory scum we had this:

1st it’s alcohol& tobacco; now the govt delays action on gambling machines. Amazingly they all donate to the tories! http://gu.com/p/3hcm2/tw

Dear @BBC UR really showing your disgusting #Toryscum bias with "We All Pay Your Benefits’. Don’t forget WE All pay your gagging payouts!

Tax breaks for everyone! (*Check terms and conditions. All UK citizens excluded, with exception of party donors)

There’s NO connection between tax cuts for fracking companies and George Osborne’s father-in-law being a lobbyist for them. NO connection.

Very under-reported fact: people who are now assessed as ‘not disabled’ by ATOS will no longer be able to get legal aid to appeal.

Dave what is corroding childhood is your government taking from the poor and giving it to the rich!

David Cameron secret deal with porn baron to censor Internet porn so adult DVD sales rise http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/8827987/Porn-baron-Richard-Desmond-is-David-Camerons-guest-at-Chequers.html …

 

 

And my favest section, general tweets;

JK Rowling has also been revealed as Keyser Soze.

Anyone got a photo of a church that looks like a confused chicken? Oh hang on…it’s ok.. found one!

Poker! A game of cards. Poker! A great way to meet new friends. Poker! There’s too much milk in my tea. Poker! Someone stop that wasp.

Big Man – Bigger BIRD,

 

Son: Can I try a brothel? Me: You’re 11, you shouldn’t be thinking about paying for sex! Him: …. Me: ….. .Him: I thought it was soup.

Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened

WANT to look as though you’re buying a Womble costume in instalments? Simply get some Ugg boots.

Why isnt the NRA saying the tragedy wouldn’t have happened if Trayvon Martin was armed,& calling on young black men to get themselves guns?

Turns out it’s not National Gullibility Awareness Day after all. Got t-shirts made up and everything. Not impressed.

Very big woman at Highbury & Islington station wearing bright yellow t-shirt with "FAT POPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP" on the front. I love her.

"Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain." – Napoleon, 1815

And while we say it’s not ok to kill an unarmed kid, Republicans try to repeal #ObamaCare again as a back up, in case the next one survives.

Just noticed this on the Lakeland’s Doctor Who range. Well played, Lakeland. Well played

If I said I love quoting Perry Como songs, would you say A) You’re adorable B) You’re so beautiful or C) You’re a cutie full of charms?

Those whining about ‘nom’, English evolves, deal with it. Except for ‘chillax’. Obviously the use of that should incur sterilization.

The elderly are particularly vulnerable in this heatwave, as nobody gives a fuck about them.

Other people ask me: "What is social media?" And I always say: "Close your eyes. Think of a bee." Then I run away. It buys me time.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

I’d forgotten about dobby!

Anyone who says ‘honesty is the best policy’ really doesn’t understand insurance.

Q. What’s the best Australian Wine? A. "Why aren’t we good at rugby or cricket any more?!"

Reptile vets have been called to in to help the delivery / hatching of the Royal Baby.

comments on BBC child p0rn story: "pier-to-pier sites that should be closed down or licensed" – especially the one from Brighton to Southend

"Truth or dare” “Truth” “What’s your credit card number”

Horse photobomb:

Quentin Tarzan Ernie Che Raoul Tito Joesephus Duke Earl Junior Delbert Lamont Zebediah Ezekiel Chandler Evander Billy-Bob #RoyalBabyNames

London switched from sun to thunderstorms within hours of the birth of our future overlord. Based on that, I’m guessing Prince Damian. #omen

Any truth to the rumour they’re calling this baby Stormageddon Alastair Lethbridge Davros Sarah Jane TARDIS Rassilon Perpugilliam Windsor?

Frankly, putting token blocks on internet porn may be the best thing the government could do for British computing science.

Today you stand on the edge of tomorrow. You are lost. You’re meant to be in Redditch. Google Maps eh?

Driving through warm, muggy fog in the Lake District earlier. Like driving through a sauna. But with less screaming and paperwork afterwards

Early tests of our new ‘Anti-Porn Pop Up’ look very promising…

Does the sight of scroungers having kids at the taxpayer’s expense infuriate you? Probably best to avoid media coverage of the Royal baby

‘Why d’you never see an old estate agent? Because it is possible to die of shame.’

Give the #RoyalBaby an opportunity to rise above his station and become the first true Burger King #PrivatiseTheRoyals

Great Private Eye Cover! Gets to the point!

America: where obesity is genetics, but homosexuality is a choice"

Abandoned building that flooded, creating a surreal and perfect water reflection

Lo! As you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, footage of you walking will be used to invalidate your disability benefit claim.

UKIP supporter to me yesterday: "I’m fed up this country welcoming immigrants…I’m going to move abroad". !!

This image probably won’t make it on to any of the official royal merchandise

A "report abuse" button on Twitter is a good idea, if only because it would create enough work to completely wipe out world unemployment.

Looking after a friend’s dog. Kid A announced that he’s "put the dog to sleep". Dog is merely napping. Blood pressure returning to normal.

Everyday I watch the carnage of human suffering, the suffocating despair in the absence of space. I am not traveling by bus anymore

And on that note of existential angst I’ll bid you farewell.

Buck.

We’ve done the Outlaw. No-one wants to hear about that any more. That would be very boring.

However, I will say in passing that it was so bad on the day I was thinking that was my last triathlon. Until I got that statistic that once I finished the swim I managed to overtake over 200 men. (That was how the statistics were presented, ‘men’s race’. I’m not trying to fudge the figures or discount the women, shitloads of them kicked my sorry arse.) That is incredible. If I took swim lessons I could be a contender. I’m up for it again now.

Here’s some snaps and we’ll move on, saying no more about it.

Pushing it out for the finish. Every inch exist in miles.

And over the line, unaware I was being photographed;

Do. They. Ever!

As I said on Twitter, “This is what it’s all about:

“You can talk of personal growth and aims, but really it’s all about wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I am awesome, bow before me’”

 

This week I’ve been back to training, perforce, as the garage have my car. I did the first two days in this beastly heat on the bike, nearly 22 miles a day commute, flat out in top gear and lost 2lb! Bonus.

As I’m thinking of kicking some triathlon arse next year I’m trying to heat acclimatise myself. If you can race in this you can blitz a cool day. So I bought a hat, donned my gallon of water holding bag and set off this afternoon. Goddamn! It’s a great idea but heat kills me stone dead. Still, keep at it.

Check the hat with the neck curtain thingy:

As one of my Twitter chums noted, Beau Buck!

I was getting strange looks on my run today, with my hat and backpack with the water bottles and such. People obviously thinking I was taking the bit of sunshine too seriously as they were running in just shorts. It’s heat conditioning, dammit. And it killed me.

What else?

Not a lot. Sleep, train, work.

I did make a resolution to avoid the A30 in Cornwall when I do my LEJOG (Land’s End- John O’Groats) as two Scottish riders were killed this week shortly after starting a LEJOG.. They’d only been riding a few hours  when they got twatted by a HGV. Dead as Betamax, just like that. Lorry drivers! They’re all arseholes.

 

Anyway, on to more fun stuff, namely the wonderful world of Twitter. Again I’ve been a tad busy so I’ve not been on that much. But I have two weeks of it. Here goes;

The DMreporter had:

SNOOPING: Cameron tackles President Obama over claims the US spied on Britain – “it’s cool, I don’t mind, we’re still friends right…?”

BONKERS: EU ruling to reduce mobile roaming charges ‘threatens UK companies profits, lowers tax payments and takes away orphanage funding.’

DISGUSTING: Fury as radical feminists undermine Andy Murray’s Wimbledon victory by claiming a WOMAN won it in 1977.

DEBATE: Single mothers – is it all their fault?

KATIE HOPKINS: “I’m rapidly running out of easy targets. Quick! Hands up who hates the cripples…”

BREAKING: Mosque near funeral of Lee Rigby bombed, in what we’re assuming to be an inside job designed to frame non-Muslims.

 

 

In politics/ tory scum there was:

#Tories: "We can force you to work for nothing; we’re powerless to stop MPs getting an extra £10,000 pa"

I, for one, am glad* my overlords will be getting a pay rise. And if that means 500k families using food banks, so be it *furious

Means test MP salaries, only pay actual expenses, no 2nd jobs, no family members on payroll, no lobbying, & jail for fraud

Five percent pay rise for the Queen. Six percent pay rise for MPs. Half a million people in the UK relying on food banks.

Who’s on the MP’s independent pay commission? Any nurses? Council workers? People on Workfare? Odd, that, isn’t it? #bbcqt

I don’t recall money from Wonga to the Tories being referred to as a symptom of their party being dragged into the loan sharks’ camp. #bbcqt

Tories funded by bankers, Labour by unions. Remember that time unions were bailed out with £bns and caused a £1tn debt? No, me neither.

Surely now it’s the Tories’ turn to sort out their links with the National Union of Shady Bankers And Chaps We Went To School With.

Whaddya mean we gotta abide by the rule of law? Damn eurocrats, coming over here and making informed decisions.

Govt says prince Charles’ letters to remain confidential while #gchq spy on plebs. Nothing to fear if nothing to hide only applies to plebs

To say that socialists are "as much of a danger" as fascists is a statement that could only be spoken by a rich white straight businessman.

Govt pushing ahead to privatise a publicly owned company that made over £600m profit & over 95% of workers voted against the move #royalmail

What is the point of the government holding a summit on the growing payday loan crisis when the Tory Party is funded by Wonga?

 

 

And lovely, lovely general tweets:

My first Glastobury was 1994. It was before Twitter so I had no idea who to like or who to hate and had to just enjoy myself. It was awful.

There has never been a better photo of a neighbour’s dog saying hello.

TENNIS FACT: Tennis players are so superstitious that they only ever refer to Andy Murray as ‘The Scottish Player.’

Baffles me when ppl call Andy Murray "dour". He’s from central Scotland. We consider him dangerously flamboyant, talkative & over-emotional

I noted : Finished the second CD (of 8) in my "learn yourself right good German to speak" course. *proud face* Of course now I want to invade Poland.

On the train home a couple of hours ago, someone answered their phone with ‘WAAAAASSSSUUUP’. I’m still not over it.

Kinda got a thing for redheads. And brunettes. Blondes too. As long as she has hair I guess. Or not, it’s probably not a deal breaker.

Today’s radiotherapy music was Mariah shitting Carey. This has possibly been the lowest point of my journey so far.

A cute guy asked if I was single and I just shouted, "CHEESE IS MY BOYFRIEND!" then high-fived his face. Flirting is hard. 🙁

Those bloody trade unions undermine our society by working hard to protect & further the rights & interests of working people. Stop them!

The ultimate flow chart:

Eating donut in car on the way to exercise class. #doingitright

The most inappropriately named Ice Cream van ever

Blimey ! That Stuart Broad must be a solo Axis of Evil.He’s been accused of dishonesty by that paragon of moral rectitude @piersmorgan

I see tensions are running high with the atheist marching season…. No, hang on a minute

Have YOU suffered the devices of Satan, and it wasn’t your fault? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawsuits_against_the_Devil …

Man in park shouting “You’ve been warned about this, Horatio” at a squatting dachshund.

Ten-year-old girl warned by Kent police that hopscotch lines are ‘illegal’ and constitute ‘criminal damage’, http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/tenyearold-girl-warned-by-kent-police-that-hopscotch-lines-are-illegal-and-constitute-criminal-damage-claims-father-8610608.html …

To which I commented: PC gone mad! You see what I did there? *gets coat*

ATTACH a chiminea to the bonnet of your car to give it an authentic ‘steam powered’ look

I just rang Alcohol Concern. I told them I was worried I didn’t have enough beer in the fridge. They’re quite rude, aren’t they?

Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.

Wolverine 7: This Time It’s More Wolverinier.

 

That’s your lot folks,

I don’t get time to put in the necessary Twitter hours any more.

Oh, before I go, one thing. Rod Stewart as an uncredited session singer on ‘In A Broken Dream’. Absolutely fantastic. ‘Rod’ and ‘fantastic’, I know. But it really is.

Keeps on surprising me on my ‘phone and blowing me away.

Right,

Toodles.

Buck.

Well that was fun. In no way, shape or form.

As last time I stayed in a hotel and only got a few hours sleep due to the bar and the loud drunks at throwing out time, this time I had a plan. Nip to Nottingham, register and drop my bike and kit off, come home, sleep in the day then drive back fresh as a daisy for the start.

Due to the bloody heatwave the A50 was rammed with all the families going to Alton Towers, so that screwed me up. I skipped the ‘mandatory’ race briefing, (yadda yadda, don’t get killed, yadda yadda,) and tried to come home the long way around, up the M1 to Leeds then across the M62. As it was a new route for me I was having issues with lanes in Nottingham. I was in the outside lane of two when someone in front of me stopped to turn right. I checked my mirror, saw a gap and darted to the inside lane. I hadn’t checked my blind spot. BANG! Someone was undertaking me. Oops.

That’ll be a new wing for me, please. And two doors for you.

Balls.

When I got back I realised I had 10 hours before I had to get up so I did some last minute sorting of kit. Then I had an hour and a half in bed, but woke up again. I couldn’t get back to sleep but I wasn’t worried, I’d still be able to get some kip when it got to night time. Then next door came back with a bunch of her coke-head mates to celebrate the heatwave. Ace. So I ended up grabbing another hour about 0130, then I had to get up at 0230 and get on the road for 0300. I was a bit tired to start with.

We started at 0600, I took this snap on the way on to the site, sunrise over the Outlaw lake:

Not a bad snap from a camera ‘phone, I think. But look at that evil yellow bastard. You can tell what’s in store.

Look at this: http://www.racetimingsystems.net/Results/IndividualResult.aspx?Id=673559&Round=2306&Page=1&Search=956&Theme=[f7941e]

Astonishingly, after the swim (the weakest of my three weak disciplines) I made up 200 places on the ride and run! Gobsmacked. I’ve just this minute found that out. *chuffed face*

Anyway, the swim was just a matter of getting my head down and doing it. Then came the transition, I jogged out of the lake, very conscious of the fat, shell-shocked geezer I’d seen wobbling out of the lake on my last video. I was feeling alright. Last time we weren’t allowed to get naked in the changing tent as there were female assistants about, so I swam with my tri-suit under my wetsuit, took my wetsuit off put my cycling shorts on (on top of my soaked tri-suit) then set off for the ride. Had I of attended the race briefing I would have know you could get properly changed this year.

I did not. So I found out at about 50 miles that my super-duper, no-pain cycling shorts (which you are supposed to wear on their own) are useless if you are wearing a tri-suit underneath. The pain was just as bad as the first time. Possibly worse because this time I was sure it wasn’t going to hurt at all.

I was flying for the first two laps (of a three lap course) then suddenly the heat (and arse pain) got me. I just faded and it was horrible. You know you’re not having fun when you are hoping you get clipped by a bus so you can quit with honour.

I ground it out but I felt like I could have cried it was hurting so bad.

Then on to the run/ shuffle. Dear god that was bad! 30C, the slightest of breezes and wide open spaces with no shade. I really thought I was going to have to drop out on the first lap of the lake. It was hellish. When I got to the end of the lap they’d set up a sprinkler, I stood under that until I was totally soaked and managed to set off at a slow jog! Eureka! The secret is to stay soaked. So I kept on drenching myself in the lake and the river on the long laps. By the turn around point at 20 miles I was up for it. Well, I had a hell of a lot of motivation to make the misery stop, anyway. Amounts to the same thing. I set my face to flint (as Wendy would have it) and pushed on. I passed two feed stations without stopping and down the last mile and a bit actually forced myself to open the pace up (to zimmer frame speeds) and almost ran in.

It was a terrible time,14.09:52, which is 37 minutes 49 seconds slower than last time, but I really think it was more of an achievement to have finished this one.

I was thinking about it afterwards, I went for probably less than 20 swims in the two years since my last Outlaw, I did one (count them; one) big ride (over 60 miles, two if you count big as over 30) and I’d buggered my run fitness for the month or so before the race with that injury.

This has lead me to two conclusions; 1, if you have a base level of fitness and a degree of stubbornness you can do an Outlaw. 2, it’s a whole world less hellish if you put the training in first.

Btw, that running soaked thing, it meant I had to run the whole distance with squelching, heavy feet and now my feet are ruined with the inevitable blisters. I can barely walk. But I simply couldn’t have completed it otherwise.

I got in at 2340. I did stop off for a McDonalds on the way home, mind. I was ravenous. And I needed salt. So I forced myself to observe strict triathlete dietary protocols by having a Big Mac, a quarter pounder with cheese and a medium fries. And a diet coke. Only joking, no coke. Then I had a chicken leg and a thick crust of bread when I got in.

In the morning I’d lost 3lbs. Tough day!

Back to it.

Buck.