Category: Life

Very, very, impossibly hard.

Mending the screen on my smashed ‘phone, btw.

Finally got my two toolkits (one from abroad, ETA next month so I bought another,UK, set. Both arrived same day*sigh* only a couple of quid, but still)

Yesterday I got finished early so cracked on. The youtube video has him stripping the ‘phone down, peeling off the glass, putting a new one on, job’s a good ‘un.

Bollocks!

It came apart relatively easy but then tore the digitizer screen when I was trying to get the glass off. No worries, I had the replacement sealed unit. That was, upon closer inspection, still attached to part of the frame and the back board upon which are mounted all the electronic gubbins. Except on this they weren’t. So I had the option of trying to remove the screen and use my back board with electronic bit attached or rip all my bits off and hope they just popped back on to the new board. I had no idea how I could do the latter, or if it would work, so I removed the screen and digitiser. Successfully, I might add.

I reassembled it, just as on the video, but somehow the power button had disappeared off the side of the ‘phone. I used a screwdriver to depress the button inside anyway, just to get it to power up. It didn’t. Took it apart, made sure everything was all as it should be, put it back exactly as shown, hit the power. Nothing.

I was thinking I’d been sold a dud screen, it was obviously second hand off a scrapped ‘phone as it still had the back thing on. I took the screen off again to try my old screen and the bloody thing snapped.

That was me, head in hands, cursing roundly, with a dead ‘phone.

I had to run out as soon as the shops opened this morning and buy a cheap smart ‘phone and stick my sim in. I’ve been setting it up today and it’s surprisingly OK. The camera is crap and the memory is tiny (upgraded with an SD card for £10), but for £89 a Kitkat 4.4 ‘Droid is fairly awesome.

This will be my penance for trying to be a clever dick. Leave the techy shit to the techies. I was going to replace my Nexus 5 with another one, sim free, but at £260 that’s a lot of cash to throwing about. Of course, I could have save the £70 for the screen and digitiser, the £10 for the screen, the £89 for the Moto E and the £10 for the memory card, added £80 and bought a new one, but hindsight is 20/20 and screw you. I was trying to do it on the cheap, the video looked simple enough… Bah.

 

Enough depressing, irritating shit.

Other stuff.

I went about that new job with the agency on Monday,

I was apprehensive and wary as befits agency experience. So far it sounds alright. Working for Next who have opened a new distribution centre at the bottom of Cromwell Avenue, about 1.7 miles from my front door.

Days. Mainly Monday to Friday, good pay. I said I wanted something reliable, not the odd shift here and there and the guy said at the minute they are doing month long block bookings.

So I did all the agency signing up bollocks, rafts of paperwork, at the Trafford Centre in Manchester, always a delight to get to on a Monday morning. I went on the bike, but the traffic wasn’t too bad.

Then it got tricky, the guy rang me up saying the assessor was coming down from Scotland for the day, I either had my assessment on Wednesday or not at all. This was Tuesday morning. This is tricky because of the driver’s hours laws. If I’d have driven it would have counted against my driving time. If they’d have then sent me to Maidstone or Southampton I’d have run out of driving hours and they’d have been very miffed that I was cocking the job up driving for someone else.

The long and short of which was me handing in my resignation, effective the same day, yesterday. Ha. Screw ‘em.

It was a crap job.

It did put a bit more pressure on me today, mind. Putting all my eggs in one basket. And then killing my ‘phone. Not a good night’s sleep.

Today I got my ‘phone (yay!) then went to the interview. The guy was fine. Had me drive down through Winwick and back around. Not a problem. He said that it was quite tight to get on to the bays in their yard so if I could just pop it on one…

It wasn’t tight, I chucked it on no problem.

Right, if you can just reverse into that nice open space… Oh, someone’s parked there. Right, put it in that tight as buggery, snug against the wall spot.

Super.

I got it in without too much stress, but I couldn’t believe it. Assessment over, just park up, hardest part of the drive. Typical.

After yesterday’s debacle it was an easy reverse. They sent me to that back street in Manchester again, where the cars park either side of the road and you have to wriggle past them in reverse to get to the bay. Some utter twat had parked at the top of the road where I needed to swing the unit to get the trailer on the bay. I was missing it by an inch while crawling back, when some warehouse guy, who’s heart was in the right place but had no idea how artics work, came out to ‘help’ me. He was looking at the arse end of the trailer and shouting “Loads of room! Come back.” I was busy not smacking the car right beside my cab. Then he walked around the back of the trailer, out of my mirrors!

By this time I was having a sense of humour failure, some idiot making the job harder wasn’t appreciated.

Anyway, it was a wonderful primer for today.

I passed with flying colours and have to return for the proper site induction tomorrow morning.

Cool.

Let’s see what this job is like.

One of the drivers was bantering with the assessor and said to me “you’ll love it here.” Drivers are renowned for always moaning and he had a face like a yard of tripe so I burst out laughing, thinking he was being ironic. “No, you will.”

Bloody hell. I’ve never heard any driver say that.

Fingers crossed.

Eventful times.

Later,

Buck.

I’ve had enough of this job already. I’ve had four paydays, they’ve got one of them right. I’ve not been paid again this week, I’ll get it on Tuesday, allegedly. I’ve still not been paid for that night out I was forced to take two weeks ago, and I’m generally sick of the place.

There are some other jobs going on the jobsite. Better pay, but agency again. I’m going down tomorrow to register with one to find out the full details before I commit.

Looks like I’ll be going back to Limited Company. Balls. But the money is atrocious on PAYE on emergency tax. When they deign to pay me. The last two weeks I’ve only got 45 hours or so, the only down side to bailing now is the job security for January/ February. There is bugger all agency work then. And the holiday pay and that.

This job is pissing me right off though.

Piss up. Brewery.

Driver’s law says we must have a 45 hour break after 6 shifts, can be reduced to 24 once a fortnight. This is what I’m up against:

*sigh*

 

In other news I’ve had a productive weekend. Saturday my new (cheap but as it turns out, sufficient) vacuum gauges arrived. I had a few mis-steps working out how to use the bloody things, but now I know it is really quick and easy. They are to balance the carbs on my bike. Apparently they go out of synch at the drop of a hat so one cylinder is getting bucketfuls of petrol the other just drips. Doesn’t make for smooth power delivery. I had a bit of a dick about setting them up. Put the pipes on the gauges. Then looked at the instructions and saw the valves fit on to the gauges, then the piper to valves. That didn’t work. Looked closely at the instructions and saw it was gauges, bit of pipe, valve, rest of pipe.

The when I fitted the pipes to the carbs they took ages for the needles to drop or rise. I had to keep taking the tank off to get at the adjust screw. Three times on and off. Then I realised I’d left the valves closed. D’oh!

Opened the valves, quick turn of the screw, job’s a good ‘un.

Still, never done it before, had no idea what I was doing, sussed it in the end, next time will be a 2 minute job.

Also I went and saw my mam who’s over from Johnny Foreign land. Long time no see.

Then I set about a simple job (‘how hard can it be?’ To which the answer is invariably; ‘very’.) replacing my indicators on the bike. Nothing wrong with the old ones, I just fancied some tiny ones that don’t really show on the bike. Easy job, unscrew a nut, pull the old ones off, tighten new ones connect the wires.

How wrong can you be?

Turns out because the new ones are tiny little LED lights (very small, very bright) they use hardly any ‘lecy so they blink like crazy. You have to buy ‘ballasts’ to soak up the extra ‘lecy to make them flash at the proper time. That’s how I think it goes. More of a ‘fit ballasts and it magically works’ than a technical understanding.

Then there’s the wiring. Tucked under the mudguard, through tiny holes, it was a nightmare. I’ve fitted them, eventually, but one (at least) of the front ballasts isn’t working so they are still blinking like mad. Grrr. Ordered a new one. See how it goes.

And I managed to squeeze in the Warrington half marathon this morning.

Again that was more hassle than I expected. I parked up in Howley to walk across the suspension bridge to Victoria park and they’ve closed the footpath. Where I parked last year was a building site. Seems they are building flood defences for the Mersey (a dirty great wall). I couldn’t find another way around, and I didn’t have enough time to drive around to Vicky park. I’d just sacked it and was walking back to my car in a high state of miffedness when an old chap who was doing the run showed me another way. Then they delayed the start of the race by 15 minutes anyway.

I didn’t push the pace, slowed down for the hills and tried to keep enough in reserve. By mile 11 I knew I was fine and started pushing on, I did the last mile in 7.37! Not bad at all by current standards. Then literally sprinted the last bit, at a 5.33 pace!  Overall it was an underwhelming 8.13 m/m, 1:48.20. 10 minutes off my best, but the most comfortable I ever done it.

 

I took the bike for a spin this afternoon, it might be psychological but it did feel smoother and had a bit more poke.

 

And I weeded.

I need some kind of medal.

 

Now my to-do list is register with the new agency tomorrow, then wait for some tiny tools to arrive to try and mend my ‘phone. I carry it around in a wallet/ case, flipped it open to make a call and dropped it on the concrete, smashing the screen. I’ve seen online that you can fix it yourself so I’m going to give it a go.

I was going to use the official repair place recommended by the manufacturer, but while I was awaiting a response I Googled them. Even their own Facebook page is knee deep in “AVOID!” On Amazon the reviewers were complaining that they had to give at least one star to do a review. Thanks, but I’ll try and do it myself.

I bought the screen and the ‘digitizer’ (the bit that lets you do all the touch screen techo-voodoo, I think) after reading they were a sealed unit and had to be replaced together. £70. Then I saw a youtube video showing you how to replace just the screen. £8. *headkeyboard*

I bought the screen as well. I’ll try and fix it when the tools finally get here, then if it works sell the screen/digitizer.

And replace the ballast when the new one arrives. That should be pretty straightforward. I know what I’m doing now and I’ve already done all the spade work.

I’ll do Twitter next time, now I’m having another shower and chilling out.

Later,

Buck.

And then I found a job, and heaven knows I’m miserable now.

I was expecting this job to be a bit of a handful, but it’s surprised me. I was expecting them to be all shouty and “Go over your driving hours!” like last time but they are totally not. Instead it’s shit in all new and exciting ways.

For one thing I’ve not been paid. No notification wageslip email, no money. That was nice. They reckon they are chasing it up and will have it sorted by midnight Monday latest, but if we didn’t have a ridiculously large overdraft facility that could have been a problem.

Then there’s the real bugbear, piss-taking hours. I wanted longer hours, and I’d be happy to do the long run down to Maidstone in the week. But two weeks I’ve been there and twice they’ve given it to me on a Friday. The M6 is always rammed on a Friday, don’t know why. My start time means that even with a clean run I’m going to be hitting the M25 (London village ring road) during rush hour. When the Dartford toll is massively rammed. Twice I’ve done it, first time I got back after a mere 14hrs 15 min (maximum working hours 15) having driven 9hrs 37 –ish (maximum 10 hours). So one more traffic jam and I would have had to pull over and stop.

Yesterday they sent me down and the M6 was just fucked. I mean, 50 miles in 3 hours. I was screwed before I’d even got to Brum. It took me 9 hours to get down, I had 2 hrs 50 driving time left for the return (4hrs 25-ish, non-stop, no traffic). I had to pull over and stop for the night at Watford Gap services. 2 hours from base. And they wouldn’t rescue me.

Which brings me to what is really bugging me, I’ve only had 3 long runs, 2 of them on a Friday, when it was supposed to be my day off the next day. This means even the one I scraped home buggered my day off. The rest of the week I’m getting done for between 22.00 and 01.00, have a good sleep, still got loads of day left. On my day off I didn’t get to bed until 05.30. And today I had to sleep in my cab, get up after 9 hours and drive back. Then, because the law says on a ‘reduced rest’ week I only need 24 hours rest, they’ve got me back in tomorrow at 15.30 hrs. So I’m going to be working 12 days straight. That is the law of the Working Time Directive but certainly not the spirit. You’re supposed to have a day off one week minimum, then 2 days off the next week. Bare minimum of rest.

I’m going to to be having words if they try and stitch me up with Maidstone again this Friday. There is no way I’m taking my 45 hour rest in a truck cab.

As I’ve not been paid I don’t even know if it’s worth the effort.  Already started looking for another job. The trouble is the Jobcentre website is basically an employment agency advert. Real jobs are rarer than hen’s teeth. Enough of my moaning, I wanted hours and when I finally do get paid getting screwed over like this every week will soon have the bike paid off.

 

Good news; Wendy survived! Huzzah!

It was looking iffy for a while but she pulled through. Now I’ve got to feed her up again. She lost half a stone through not eating for a week and she didn’t really have anything left to lose. I’ve been getting a sore throat and a few days of nagging headache but I’ve not got her bug, so that’s bloody spiffy. Worst illness I’ve ever seen. Honestly. I can’t convey quite how bad that was. I’ve had ‘flu and it felt terrible but I could still walk and I wasn’t hallucinating. I really thought it was possible she was going to die of it. Which is not to say I thought she was going to, just that it was possible. Wendy thought she was going to die, but then she thought there were talking animal heads on the walls. She gave it to one of her workmates before she got sent home, he’s been off for 2 weeks. He tried to go back but was that rough they sent him home again.

My training has took a kicking as well. I couldn’t leave Wendy alone while she was ill and then the new shifts.. I did a 10 mile run they other day and I’ve really dropped the baton again. Must get back to it.

The other, good, news is Twitter has lightened up again. Now the Israeli genocide has been put on hold we’ve all gone back to ripping the piss and having a hoot. Two great themes in the last week; apparently the Better Together (BT, not British Telecom, had me confused) people in Scotland put out a really insulting 1950’s style advert where the little woman is too busy making her man’s tea and looking after the sprogs to worry her pretty little head over politics, so just vote ‘no’ to independence.

And after one of Cameron’s party went full racist and defected to UKIP Cameron tried to divert attention by saying we were at highest terrorist threat level and Twitter tore him to pieces.

So, bearing those in mind, here’s Twitter:

DMreporter had:

 

 

In Politics/ Tory scum there was:

I refer you to this excellent map of council cuts by @davidottewell. Sums it up

But whit aboot ma Tesco Clubcard Points?  #PatronisingBTLady

Funny that there’s no mention of workfare in the government’s new ‘end modern slavery’ ads.

Threat level raised, Britain responds by taking the piss. The best of #threatlevel http://huff.to/Z0smhA

(I added to the fun:

#threatlevel: BBC children’s tv presenter.

#Threatlevel: Touching cloth.

#threatlevel Star Wars prequel.

#threatlevel: Royal

#threatlevel : Last tea bag.

#threatlevel: Angry kitten. Rawrr! )

1919: Eton boys setting out on their annual cull of the local poor

 

And lovely, lovely, General:

My drug of choice is laughter….and cocaine. Mostly cocaine. Sometimes angel dust. Molly is cool too. RT if you love Jesus.

This Promotion is Less Thought-Provoking Than They Anticipated

The only real solution for the British extremists prepared to go abroad, fight and kill is to not join the army.

ISIS is composed mostly of the Syrian rebel fighters the CIA was arming last year while Obama was gagging to bomb their foe _ Assad.

Banning a mosque because you oppose terrorism is like banning a church because you oppose paedophilia

(I commented: Good with both of those suggestions. Make it so.)

In America everybody is innocent until proven guilty and/or repeatedly shot.

Batmobile Evolution

(Love first two.)

1925 Rolls Royce Phantom

Kate’s dancers are really incredible. Dressed as St John’s Ambulancemen, kissing her while she lies on the floor motionless. #katebushlive

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE? Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

This is why we should use the Imperial System

Parent pro tip: if you go to Meet the Teacher night with alcohol on your breath, they don’t ask you to volunteer.

The word after "I don’t want to bother you" is always "but" and that’s why I hate people.

CAN’T find your house? Try calling your landline and listening for the ring.

"Firearms are why we’re no longer British" Really? I thought it was down to disrespecting tea and not getting irony.

Pluto is ‘not’ a planet. Hello Kitty is ‘not’ a cat. I am ‘not’ sober. This is ‘not’ my house.

There’s a north-west ska punk collective named ‘A Fish Called Bastard’

[In job interview] "Do you have any skills?" Yes, I’m excellent at shorthand. *pulls arms inside shirt and does T Rex hands*

We literally have a baking competition scandal in this country. Britain has seriously just out-britished itself.

America

Rape prevention nail polish sounds like a great idea but I’m not sure how you’re going to get men to wear it

And just in case you missed it, this is hilarious:

Little Girl does Ice Bucket Water Challenge:

http://t.co/HvKB1SXsXa 

Later,

Buck.

Have you always thought that? (As the late, lamented Iain M. Banks said.)

I’ve started my new job. They made a few claims, such as a fixed starting time that would remain more or less constant through the week.

I did a bit of a ballache shift on Sunday (00.00hrs start!) but Monday was 13.30hrs, through till Thursday, then Friday was 14.00hrs.

You can’t really knock that. It’s much better than never knowing what your shift is until 14-16.00, if you even have a shift. Then starting from 18.00 through till 23.45.

First week I’ve done three shifts that battered my legal driving time, but there has been a sea change in attitude since I last worked there. Last time they were shouting at you if you refused to break the law and go over your driving hours, now they accept that you have to take a break and seem to be planning for it. This is good. A fundamental starting point for doing the job, really.

So, first week, bearing in mind that the legal maximum driving time is 9 hours per day which can be extended to 10 hours twice a week; 9.57 and 9.35. Working day length; 13.15, 14.15, 12.15, 9.15, 9.15, and 8.30.

A 65hr,45 min week.

Now I have to wait to see how well it pays. What I actually come out with. Though I have to consider the 4 weeks holiday pay and the 4 weeks in January I won’t be losing with no work. And all the cancelled days.

I’ll probably end up working all these hours for about the same as 5 short shifts at Walkers, take home. But I have to bear in mind all of the above. And keep my eyes open if anything better does come up.

 

A huge event of late has been Wendy coming down with a full-on ‘flu. I’ve never seen anyone so ill in all my life. I’ve had proper ‘flu once and it was horrible, but it was nothing like what Wendy just had. I was worried she was going to kiff it at some points. People do die from ‘flu, and the state she was in I thought it possible.

She got sent home from work teeth chattering with cold. I put her in bed and jumped in to warm her. I was sweating like a pig before she eventually warmed up. Then she was burning a fever of 103.8 F. That’s hot. I thought I’d poisoned her with Solpadine, she couldn’t stand up unaided and was slurring like she’d had a stroke and was getting delusional. I rang the doctor but they said the drugs were not the problem, those were her underlying symptoms.

She didn’t get out of bed for 4 days except for me to take her to the loo, slept day and night for most of it, and didn’t eat at all.  Work wanted me to start on Friday but I had to cancel on my first day as she was too ill to leave. 

She’s more or less fixed now, but it was a hell of a week for her.  I washed my hands after every contact, so even after her puking on me I seem to have avoided catching it. Huzzah!

The other change was my handlebars. After crashing the old ones were a bit bent so I got the first pair of groovy clubman bars but they were too small, sold them on ebay for a £5 loss. Not too bad. Ordered a new set from a classic British bike site. A week later they hadn’t arrived so I emailed them. “not got any in, arriving Wednesday” OK, thanks for that. (24- 48 hr delivery, my arse!) A week later I asked again. “We got black ones, not chrome ones. Is that any good for you?” No. Are you getting some chrome ones in? No.

Now *that* is authentic classic British service. It’s my fault for not wanting the ones they’ve got in. Kudos.

I got a refund and ordered some from a different site, arrived the next day.

Then I had the fun of fitting them. You’d think it would be; unscrew the clamps, slide the bits of the old handlebars, put them on the new, tighten the clamps. HA!

The bit of the bar that’s supposed to be clamped was too narrow so I had to make some shims. Then the control gear has a post in it to keep it in place so I had to set it all up, mark out as best I could, where I thought the holes should be, strip it again, drill the holes (gulp! Can’t get that wrong.) then reassemble. But the grips had a cap at the end so I had to drill that out as well.

Bricking it putting it back together again. But it all works perfectly. I fitted the bar-end mirror. Then thought about the tiny gap between the houses down which I have to fit the bike. Luckily the bars are a different shape so the extra few inches of the mirror are compensated for.

Look:

Before;

After;

 

Apart from the expected aesthetic improvement there are a few unexpected bonuses. The riding position it a lot further forward, less sit-up-and-beg so you feel more involved in the ride and you obviously get less wind resistance on your body and neck so it’s more comfortable. Except for on your wrists which are still sore. But it’s not about comfort.

Also, the throttle used to slam shut as soon as you loosened your grip, pitching you forward quite savagely. Because I had to drill the right hand grip out and force it onto the bar it to get the bar-end mirror in, it now stays open until you push it back. Much better unless I  fall off in which case it will charge off without me. Note to self, don’t fall off.

You may notice over the left hand clock an ugly lump. That’s the bar grips heater control. When I had the big mirrors it hit behind them. Then it was stuck on it’s own so I moved it to the centre. It looked hideous there as well so I’ve now moved it again, now it looks like this:

Clean lines. Lovely.

BTW, that bar-end mirror, looks the dogs bollocks, can’t see shit out of it. It’s not magnifying at all so you can see there is something behind you, can’t make out any detail, ie, if it’s a copper or not.

Next I would like smaller, bullet, indicators. And about £1,500 of other stuff.

But for now I’m well impressed with it.

 

So to Twitter,

DMReporter had

FINALLY: Attractive women with big breasts granted the right to wear sexy bras by charitable Marks and Spencer’s. Pictures.

INVESTIGATION: Revealed – houses near airports have more planes flying over them.

 

Politics/ Tory scum

David Cameron accepts the #icebucketchallenge

Only King Herod would be less sincere about implementing family friendly policies than #Cameron

 

(Foreign section)

Ferguson USA was lively with the police murdering an unarmed, surrendering, black lad.

Took a week, but we finally at the moment where Mike Brown Is officially a suspect in his own murder. #Ferguson

"Mike brown stole bullets then fell on them" – early draft of the Ferguson PD incident report

Grandmother speaks out about viral cop beating: "I felt like he was going to kill me" http://bit.ly/1pKBNtY

Ferguson police be like:

 

.@SanJosePD fatally shoot woman holding power drill http://bit.ly/1sMdmQG

 

NATO confirmed that Russian military column crossed #Ukraine border … info 100% Photo proof they found on internet

Prime Minister #Modi on rapes: "Don’t question your daughters, correct your sons." http://read.ht/hqb

Netanyahu asks US help to avoid war-crimes charges. He should have thought of that before allowing the war crimes. http://trib.al/Hs9ON3N

 

General

I like my men like I like my coffee Fist deep in my butthole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GchrM_W_4KI …

Today’s Red Lobster special: Enjoy 3 motherfucking generations of lobster piled on your plate. Total fucking lobster annihilation.

I got on the super-slow scenic train from London to Oxford. You can practically hear the house prices falling between stops.

Cute namez to cal ur gurlfrend 1. Sugar 2. Honey 3. Flour 4. Mix in pan 5. Preheat to 375 6. Bake for 20 mins

On first dates I like to scream "HAHAHAHAHA THANKS FOR PUTTING A BABY IN ME" after sex because it’s easier than asking him to leave.

Sadly, it seems, Japan is preparing for war.

Don’t answer, it’s a trick.

What the Hell was the question?

Take your age. Subtract it by your age. That’s how many fucks I give.

 

My next car. Who’s paying?

1954 DeSoto Adventurer II Ghia Coupe

Twelve hours since I binned FaceBook. I’ve lost weight, gained hair, written a novel and I like my friends again.

Woman lorry driver at work, a chick chum sent me this: http://www.snotr.com/video/3756/Women__Don_t_Drive …  Hilarious.

Not exactly letting her down easy. http://metro.co.uk/2014/08/18/groom-fakes-his-own-death-to-get-out-of-wedding-bride-is-naturally-devastated-4836745/ …

21 Ways Scottish Independence Would Affect Your Dog’s Wardrobe

 

Dear celebrities, how about filling a bucket with cash and giving that away you attention seeking gobshites? Just a thought.

Thanks for joining the Piss Bucket Challenge. I nominate Piers Morgan, Dapper Laughs, and Michael Gove. Gentlemen, you have 24 hours.

 

Look, I tried my best. If you can find a Navajo translator in Garnethill, I’m all fucking ears.

Just a reminder that most of the people actually fighting ISIS are Muslims.

If you think Muslims aren’t condemning ISIS, it’s not because Muslims aren’t condemning ISIS. It’s because you’re not listening to Muslims.

‘Do 9yo girls really need a bikini wax?’ NO. THEY’RE NINE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

at this point, i think every gaming website has the responsibility to teach their young, male audience not to be colossal shitheads

Customer: Do you have a children’s book called ‘The Lying Bitch and the Wardrobe’ by CS Lewis? Me: Yeah… that’s not what it’s called.

Give a man a fish. Give him another. Another. Continue giving him fish until he is entombed in an icthyan graveyard. Laugh at his hubris.

Pretend you’re a parent during school hols by wearing 8 loom band bracelets whilst singing songs from Frozen and smelling of gin and despair

Listen to the voice on this 15 year old girl. The song is OK, but her voice is amazing. http://youtu.be/48fggLVbBs4

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Our close and loving ally Saudi Arabia (John Brennan’s absolute best friends forever in the whole world) beheaded someone for "sorcery".

Apparently Islamic State launched a hashtag which was immediatley hijacked:

#AskIslamicState Has your milk-shake ever brought the boys to the yard?

#AskIslamicState don’t you know you may be due PPI compensation? Not interested? Banks have set aside billions in compensation…

#AskIslamicState Are any of you guys on Grindr?

#AskIslamicState What’s your opinion on the pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre? I’ll be honest, I’m dead against it

Has anyone had any answers from #AskIslamicState or aren’t they taking this seriously?

#AskIslamicState Will you draw me like one of your French girls?

#AskIslamicState Can any of yous play midfield? If yes, are you free on Sunday?

How many 2 pence pieces can you stack on a duck before it becomes fully submerged in water? #askislamicstate

What’s the biggest animal you can single-handedly clingfilm to a lamppost? #AskIslamicState

 

Damn you google.

Liverpool’s problem isn’t that they don’t have enough strikers, it’s that eventually the universe will end, destroying all life everywhere.

And just because:

Later,

Buck.

Right, I’m going to try and catch up. This could be quite a long entry. I’m going to omit the stuff on the Palestinian holocaust because it’s to awful. If you want to see pictures of babies blown in half, well, you need help.

And straight away I’m going to post something. Just in case you thought the “war” was an isolated incident. The percentage of Palestine that Israel occupied from 1947 to now, as translated to the UK.

And this, while it’s about the Israeli genocide of Palestinians, could be about anything and is my favourite banner of all time.

"don’t be sad" ok im better now thank u

Hangman is a game that teaches kids how to spell, that words can be fun, and that failure is punished with death.

Confused, #RToday. #Putin ‘created conditions for #MH17 by giving arms to rebels’ but #Cameron‘ll take no blame for how Russia uses UK arms?

I’m loving the birthday pics of Kate and Will and their lovely little boy George

The accidentally killed are just as dead as the intentionally killed.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, MOUTHS AGAPE, LUMINESCENT TONGUES LOLLING, KEENING WELCOME TO THE VOID BORN, SUNKEN HYMNS OPENING FORGOTTEN WAYS

Dog faints with ‘overwhelming joy’ when owner returns after two years away http://itv.co/1l1HK1n

Just like Tony Blair and New Labour was Thatcher’s ‘greatest achievement’ I’m sure Hitler, if asked today, would say same about Netanyahu.

When you complain about dropping your phone remember that there are people who are starving who’ll totally make you another one.

Why is it, when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she’s a slut. But when a guy does it, he’s gay?

MrsGod noted: It’s all very well having a son who can turn water into wine but that’s the third goldfish we’ve had to send to rehab . .

After MH370 and MH17 Malaysian Airlines may change its name. #Israel is considering changing its name also. To Mordor.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA,JOINING HANDS,WHISPERING THE FINAL WORDS AS ONE, RENDING THE VEIL,THEIR DEATHS GLEEFUL AS THE FLAYED MASTER EMERGES

I apologise for using the asexual-exclusionary term LGBTQI two tweets ago. I meant to say QUILTBAG.

"It’s never a good time to be hit by an asteroid." Dinosaur expert Richard Butler #r4today

This dog was left in this car on the hottest day of the year with no water or ventilation. It has both now

Barcodes that start 729  or 871 are Israeli. Tweeting to remind myself. #BoycottIsrael

WEATHER: Storms and flash floods hit the south of England affecting, presumably, the whole country.

That awkward moment when Satan is a perfectly acceptable option for your kids.

Incredible! This Man did the unthinkable to rescue a 400-kb #BlackBear! http://onegr.pl/1qHtlQ2

My favourite thing about feminists is their boobs.

FINANANCE: Lloyds bank guilty of defrauding taxpayer of ‘tens of billions of pounds.’ We ask, does YOUR neighbour have an empty bedroom?

i like my women curvy. lots and lots of curves. all curves. circular. fried. onion-filled. onion rings i like onion rings

Israel and the UK/US Governments, if its possible to radicalise an Atheist, you are doing a good job on me, you evil bastards.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country

Like when the IRA were bombing us and we blew up full hospitals and schools. Oh wait, no, we’re not fucking animals.

give a man a fish & he’s like, this fish is dumb. i hate this fish. give a man an xbox & he’s like sick i love playing fish simulator 2014

“In God We Trust,” and there’s your problem.

I’m confused. Why is it ‘Putin’s missile’ (w/o evidence) for #MH17,but not ‘Obama’s missile’ when civilians killed by US weaponry in #Gaza?

Daw! @twhiddleston‘s fan letter to @josswhedon is absolutely lovely. http://bit.ly/1tZfPol

BE SCARED: Is an African Ebola virus on it’s way to Britain? ‘The important thing is to panic in a racist manner’ say experts.

A phone battery that can be charged using the accumulated self righteous rage on Twitter™

More than 40% of Americans believe no action necessary on #climatechange because the Rapture is coming soon anyway http://magazine.good.is/articles/more-than-40-percent-of-americans-believe-the-rapture-is-coming …

WARNING A ‘cute little duckling’ scam is doing the rounds. RETWEET to warn others.

when people keep talking and you just wanna

I just need to eat healthy until I lose the weight of other people’s expectations.

.@Israel u guys ok ? I heard about what happened I’ve been worried

AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE! *Cap, Ironman, Hulk, Thor, and Hawkeye put together IKEA furniture while Black Widow tells them they’re doing it wrong*

Some bloke just spilled my pint. So, taking my lead from the Israeli govt, I"ve defended myself by killing him and his whole family.

Bit mean about her height. #closingceremony

The reason Israel is losing the propaganda war is that they are not killing enough people with camera phones. They need to up their game.

Grandad fought in the trenches n loathed the glorification of it and despised the arseholes who sent him away for 4 years to kill strangers.

..And at 10 o’clock Downing Street will dim the lights, illuminated only by the disco ball of politically expedient war celebration.

I never used my boobs as my avi to get followers. My big boobs. My big luscious boobs. Oops, dropped some ice cream on my big luscious boobs

If there’s one fence you don’t want to climb over, it’s this one:

It didn’t take Daniel long to work out that he had misread the sign.

I believe in self-improvement. For you, I mean.

The best part of living in a one-horse town is there are no jokes when it walks into a bar. EVERYONE knows about Mr Hoof’s drinking problem.

Autocorrect tried Borgia as a substitute for Boris. Autocorrect has a dry sense of humour sometimes.

Incredible sculpture:

My best mate is selling her car.. If you want a car, you might like it. She needs the money for gin and bingo

Ann Coulter wonders why Christians work so hard to help unfortunate people. I’m not sure who started that, but I think maybe it was Jesus.

OK, just the one. As she survived and is getting better. Still needs corrective surgery though. Israel’s “terrorists”

Cool pavement art.

(Surprisingly interesting read: ) Two races–run 60 years ago today–still stand as epitomes of the rewards and the risks of competitive running: http://bit.ly/X5yrbV

Track of ex hurricane Bertha.. Fuck sake, if it goes through London we’ll never hear the bastard end of it.

Monarchies hey :/

Almost certainly the best photo of a cat levitating, while another cat looks on, amazed.

This cat is not a fan of the Summer heat. The result is adorable.

A man on overground trying to drink an entire bottle of wine, spilling it down himself just told me, ‘I probably wouldn’t have sex with you’

(replies: )

‘probably’! So there’s still hope.

he should have at least offered you some wine to soften the devastating news :'(

 

Thank god for hourly selfies or we’d never know how your mom is doing in ICU.

Thanks @myhermes for delivering my parcel so it’s 20ft high stuck to the roof! Great care taken! #Hermes

barbecued some couscous. and in the process entirely incinerated my working class roots.

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola. Everyone: *Panic!* Scientists: Freak out about climate change. Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.

Call the wife beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice Call her fat once and she will never forget That’s because elephants never forget

I’m currently outside Wal-Mart sitting on the coin operated horse screaming "AT DAWN WE RIDE!" to anyone who walks by.

Church leaders DID warn gay marriage would lead to bestiality. BREAKING: Church leader arrested for bestiality http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/08/jerald-hill_n_5662462.html?cps=gravity …

Kevin McLoud on grand designs "it’s almost like the glass connects the interior with the exterior". No shit Kev.

My mother in law just complained that the dog "bit a security man in Tesco" and I heard in my head "just to watch him die".

HEALTH: A&E patients stranded for up to 8 hours ‘because NHS bosses are too busy voting Labour’ claims whistleblower.

Nerve cells have been found transforming into stem cells – inside teeth. http://news.sciencemag.org/biology/2014/07/unexpected-stem-cell-factories-found-inside-teeth …

Taxi (a service dog who looks out for 14-year-old Rachel Benke) made in into Rachel’s yearbook. I love this.

I love Mike Doyle’s ruined Victorian LEGO houses.

It’s cat day? On the internet? As opposed to the other 364 cat days?

Majestic pug

 

FRONT PAGE NEWS: Women has babies 9 months after getting pregnant by her husband. Meanwhile, in Iraq…

I’m so glad Tony Blair saved peace, overthrew fundamentalism and terror, protected women’s rights & brought democracy to Middle East.

Enjoying your morning brew?

Men…you can’t win. "Does my bum look big in this?" We women can smell fear on a man.

Funny how violence is *never* the answer when used by oppressed people, and *always* the answer when used by the state.

Okay, we never did find those WMD, but at least we helped bring a lasting peace to Iraq.

Drinking game: When the news comes on, start drinking. It’s probably the best coping mechanism.

While David Cameron is on holiday…

DEMOCRACY: Israel, Iraq or Ukraine? Cameron to offer public referendum on who we invade next if the Conservatives win the next election.

#MarkSimmonds resigned as MP cos the £323,246 he was paid in 2013 wasn’t enough. IDS says you can live on £53 a week. #AllInItTogether

The annual US aid to Israel in 2014 was $3.1 billion. Plus $504 million to the joint US-Israel Missile Program. That’s $9.9 million a day.

When Robin Williams appeared on ‘Inside the Actors Studio’, an audience member had to be hospitalised for a hernia brought on by laughter.

I’ve got some dynamite stuff ready for when Stewart Lee pegs it. Might have to kill him myself. Fed up of sitting on it for so long.

I came out as a gay teacher in a whole-school assembly in 2010. Today, 4 years later, I just received this email. Wow

Don’t know much about history Don’t know much biology Don’t know much about a science book Can I interest you in a #creationist pamphlet?

"I’m a level 5 vegan. I don’t eat anything that casts a shadow."

#NRA: "The only way to deal with a good black unarmed kid is a bad police force with guns"

America sends $9.9 million per day to Israel in ‘aid’. Yet, Detroit can’t get water. Massacring children more of a priority to Obama.

Sorry I recreated a scene from the Temple of Doom in your Ancient Egypt exhibit

"A beloved A-list star tragically takes his own life. How do we report this in a way which shows us to be massive bastards?" – UK Papers

Ah, spotted the problem here:

Gazing up at the Perseid meteor shower in the vast night sky reminds you how insubstantial you are compared to whatever you just drove into.

Don’t be fooled by the spelling, manslaughter is not in the least bit funny.

So I phoned IT. They said to try turning it off and on again, but I misheard them and just set fire to everything.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Turns out the local councillor was a fucking free mason not "free basing". Not sure we’ll get the town hall job now after I got my pipe out

Cop: Tell me from 2 to 4, where were you? Me: Preschool

This is the “war”

Thoughts while running, Day 2: If I could muster up a mini heart attack this bullshit could end right now.

We can apparently measure up homes of all benefit claimants for bedroom tax but not homes worth more than £2 million for mansion tax. Odd.

He doesn’t know it yet, but this could be the most awkward kiss ever.

The Civil Rights Act is 50 years old. These two pictures were taken 50 years apart. Behold our progress. #Ferguson

We didn’t need journalists arrested to know things were wrong in #Ferguson. We knew that when they shot a kid with his hands in the air.

Monster tidal wave surges down the Qiantang River in Hangzhou, China

(Best timed action picture ever!)

Toughest job in show biz, editing Top of the Pops for the re-runs

Haven’t heard anything from the #NRA saying the people of Ferguson need guns to protect themselves from the oppressive government. Curious.

"Daddy, why does this freedom taste of deep fried cheeseburgers and bullets?"

After the Lonely Hearts Club Band split up, Sgt Pepper gained a doctorate for his work devising a fizzy drink that tastes of floor polish.

I leave you with this inspirational message:

Buck.