I have been spending my last day off wisely reading through the works of the master, Alan Moore. In particular ‘The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ (a wonderful collage of fin-de-siecle fictional characters) whence upon I perused this missive and reply;
Dear Sirs-
Having lately lost my husband in a tragic firearms accident, I have the subsequent responsibility for rearing our two sons, Toby and Benjamin, without a father’s aid or council, in addition to my unpaid work as a volunteer nurse. You will appreciate, therefore, that I am anxious to provide them with reading material that is both educational and morally instructive.
It was with this in mind that I reserved a copy of your publication’s first edition to pass on to them, amidst excited yelps of boyish gratitude.
Imagine, then, my consternation when I later took a moment to study the aforementioned periodical, only to find it contained material of the most doubtful provenance.
Sirs, have you no shame?
Not only were my children and I forced to witness scenes of both monstrosity and violence, but we were also made to suffer the most luridly depicted scenes of lust and drug addiction.
Why, upon the very cover you have portrayed women with their ankles, knees, and even the appendages of their maternity exposed.
As a direct result of this unfortunate exposure to your so-called “comic” magazine, my carefree offspring have had forever their innocence and childhood torn from their grasp.
Toby, hitherto a cheery lad of twelve years who had always done well at school, now says he cares for nothing in the world so much as “trollops, absinthe and contemporary dance”; while Benjamin, a tender eight years old, is now a slave to hemp.
How can you claim your product to be beneficial and uplifting in the face of this, one mother’s tragedy?
I remain, Sirs, most indignantly,
Amelia Lumford (Mrs)
110 Holloway Road,
Highbury, London N.
Madame, how dare you?
By your own admission you are that most disreputable and unnatural class of the female sex in that you “act the man” and must resort to manual employment.
It is almost certain therefore that you are either a Sapphist or a harlot.
As for your children, do you want the two of them to grow up as d……. pansies? Why you should instead be glad that our fine publication has awakened in them an appreciation of a healthy, masculine approach to life.
Your worries about Benjamin are quite unfounded, as it is a well known fact that many eight year olds pass harmlessly through stages of mild hemp addiction without ill effect.
May we suggest that any damage to the minds or constitutions of your sons results instead from your own evident inadequacy as a mother.
It is little wonder, Madam, that your husband shot himself.
Brilliant! If you are dim as I, a Sapphist is an old term for a lesbian.
Buck.