Last night was bloody focusing. All that bollocks about “the weight of the truck melts the snow”.  Which is why every episode of Ice Road Truckers is 30 seconds long. They start the truck then plunge straight through the melted ice and snow to a watery grave. Clearly I didn’t think that through.

Around Stoke the third lane was snowbound, the middle lane had an inch of compacted snow/ice and the slow lane had two mostly clear tyre tracks. Then all it takes is one want-to-live-forever numpty to slow down to 30 mph and everyone is stuck behind them. Until you’ve had enough and pull out into the middle lane. Then it’s a matter of holding your nerve. Artics are just a ‘unit’ (the cab and 2 or 3 sets of wheels) and a separate trailer. The only thing making it one truck is a ‘pin’ (a 2” round post) on the trailer slotting into the ‘fifth wheel’ (a mechanism to secure the pin) on the unit. So everything rotates around the pin. This means on ice if you accelerate a little too hard the tyres spin and the unit pivots around the pin. That wakes you up. Worse, when you are going down hill you are scared to brake hard in case the trailer pushes the unit into a jack-knife.

One of our trucks was stranded last night as it hit a hill and lost all traction. I was having real issues getting the bloody thing moving in the snow. I had to reverse a trailer into a parking spot in a snowbound yard. It must have took me 8 shunts back and forward to get enough speed up to reverse all the way in. That was only on a slight incline. The other truck was up in the wilds past Bolton.

In Lymn services the snow came down that hard and fast that some wag built a snowman in front of someone’s truck whilst they were on their break.


Fun, fun, fun.

I survived and made it home in one piece at ungodly o’clock, then had to get up 5 hours 20 minutes later to go for a recce run of the Bolton Hill Marathon. I got up after struggling with the alarm on my ‘phone, turned on the PC to check the address and saw a ‘CANCELLED’ email. Ace. It took me an hour to get back to sleep. Grrrr.


In other news, I finally made it to the other Wing Chun class (in the same Kung Fu umbrella group) in Manchester last Sunday. You know how I was saying the class I go to on Thursdays only has about 8 people, all newbies, so it’s good for almost personal tuition? I was worried about starting a big new established class.  The Sunday class had 4 including me! 2 experienced and me and a young lad.


The not so great news is the head of the umbrella group likes loud colours. And apparently has a system of different coloured tops each year (presumably so you can monitor who’s up to date with membership).

I am the first to get this year’s top.

Kung Fu

Observe my joy.

The only bright side is it has engendered some banter on Twitter, mainly with my (straight, male) chum @735songs.


Me: I’m repeating the Ross mantra " it’s salmon, it’s salmon". It remains stubbornly pink

@735songs: It’s pink man. P.I.N.K. Sorry.


@7: Pantone’s latest ‘salmon’ range of available colours. #pink

Me: There’s a whole fisheries worth of salmon there. #pink #denial

Me: I joined this Kung Fu club, they have a different colour top each year. Imagine my joy when that arrived yesterday. #salmon

@7: ‘Kung Fu Club’. Right… *Harry Hill sideways glance to camera*

Me: The rest of the club kit isn’t much better. The arseless leather chaps chafe and the moustache itches.

@7: I’ve never been more aroused.

@7: *turns down brightness on phone purely because of your avi pic* #pink

Me: It’s the ‘in’ colour for ninja-chic. Ninjas who hang out at certain gentlemen’s clubs.

@7: In fairness we’ve only your word it’s a t-shirt. I bet it’s a onesie. With feet. #pink

Me: Busted.


Apart from the Wing Chun I only managed one training session this week. I still don’t feel right. Just the breathing thing. A minor irritation, but the rest of my performance is reliant on it. “Man can’t breathe, he can’t fight”  To quote from the life lesson that was The Karate Kid.

The recce for the Bolton Hill Marathon has been moved to next Saturday. That promises to be the wake-up call I need. The first 4 miles of the marathon (3 of which are straight uphill) and the last 2, also uphill.

I’ll try for a distance run tomorrow, hopefully the snow will have melted by then. The car’s in for it’s MOT on Monday so I’m going to try and use that to get me back on the bike for work. I only have 6 months before the Outlaw. I need to get back to swimming. Lots of swimming.  Triathlon sucks bum.


Enough of my drivel, onto the wonderful world of Twitter;

The DM Reporter:

TRAGIC: Kate McCann launches Maddie book w̶h̶i̶c̶h̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶b̶a̶b̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶l̶i̶e̶s̶ we wish her well with her endeavours.

HEALTH: Nurses blamed for not being enough of them.

WEATHER: Day 11 of Snowpocalypse • PM: "Nation needs time to heal" • 10m people still missing • London to be rebuilt • Getting slushy

EDUCATION: Michael Gove to "hollow out Carol Vorderman and wear her like a flesh onesie" in bid to justify further changes to maths lessons.

FACTCHECK: Is crime really at its lowest level for 20 years, or are there just more immigrants flocking here for benefits than ever before?

THAWMAGEDDON: White British population set to reduce dramatically as snowmen melt across the country.



Top tips:

BMW DRIVERS. Avoid everyone taking the mick out of your rear wheel drive car in the snow by driving everywhere backwards.

BABYSITTERS. Get kids to go to sleep early by telling them it’s Christmas tomorrow. The parents can deal with the fallout.

DONT waste money on expensive ergonomic office chairs, just sit bare-arsed on a pile of house bricks for 8 fucking hours.

DAVID CAMERON. Avoid Europe being a major issue by making it a fucking enormous one



General stuff:

An MP (Tom Harris) wrote: So it turns out the Ministry of Sound isn’t even a proper Whitehall department! That was a waste of an FoI request. [Freedom of Information]

Two accidentally shot at NC gun show safety check-in. In related news, The Onion [spoof news account] announces going-out-of-business sale.

If the ppl of Sodom had Bushmasters w/which to defend themselves, God would be nothing more than a bloodstained sunset #GunAppreciationDay

The irony toll keeps rising! Now at: EIGHT people shot at FIVE different Gun Shows: @KagroX #GunAppreciationDay #Darwin

He was shot dead > RT @Jimmertime33 Even on Martin Luther King day @piersmorgan finds a way to push his anti-gun idea…

As soon as women start making headlines for shooting their rapists the male republicans will be all for gun control. I can promise you that.

Town is full of ninja cyclists. I know they’re ninjas because they cycle in the dark without lights, reflective gear, or fear of death

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

Norway braced for slump as UK economists confirm snow main cause of recession

After the BBC kids channel ‘the Tweenies’ aired an old Jimmy Savile spoof to knee-jerk hysteria:

I’m watching the Tweenies. Max is dressed up as Hitler. This could be the end for the BBC.

The best possible YouTube comment imaginable on the credits of Jurassic Park:

Remember that scary bit in Jurassic Park when your mother leaned over and said ‘You were adopted. And you’re not coming home with us’?

NATURE FACT: If a crow gets hungry enough it will eat its own face.

I was a smug, hipster douchebag BEFORE it was cool.

My body is a temple, but I don’t want to be entered by a priest.

Shock sporting pictures;

I hate that thing when Murray’s doing well we claim him as British but when he loses, we say he’s black.

Didn’t make it to the gym today. …That makes 4 years in a row now.

That awkward moment when you ask a lady if she’s pregnant and he says no

If we do leave Europe I hope we go somewhere warmer.

Confectionery pouch. Like a bag of sweets but made of platinum, judging by the retail value. #cinematweet


My dad said my job brings shame to the family name which is extremely upsetting because our family name is already Hess.

Oh to be this elephant..

man flu update: I drift further into darkness, nothing to be heard. a light glimmers, I fall towards it, in a moment its gone, as is hope.



Tory Scum:

We’ll cut back on snow by cutting back on gritting. Gritting has created a dependency culture.IDS”

Meryl Streep won an Oscar for impersonating a British Prime Minister. So when will David Cameron receive his?

11 govts sign for the Robin Hood bank tax. UK govt was not among them. Why? Because the UK govt and the banking industry are one & the same!

Gov Borrowing is rising and is over £7 billion higher than last year;All cuts, job shed and home loss went for ?nothing,2013-01-22 …

Hague explains how "the will of the people" on the #EUref is suddenly paramount. What was "the will of the people" on the NHS, you maggot

The day I vote Tory is the day the world can turn off the machines,dip my corpse in lime & fire residue into heart of the sun

You say ‘triple dip recession’, I say ‘HYPER-DEATH SPIRAL’.

After David Cameron’s recent speech on Europe, The Jewish Chronicle ran the headline "Muzzle Toff!".


And finally, cute: