I am become death…

…destroyer of owls. 

I forgot to mention, a week or so ago I was tootling along, minding my own business, when one of those flat faced owls swooped across the road, noticed me trundling towards him (grammatical ‘him’, couldn’t guess the sex) and instead of carrying on out of my way braked in mid air and started dithering about. I whacked straight into the poor bastard. I was gutted. Not as much as said owl I’ll wager, but pissed right off none the less. Poor little sausage.

That’s a pigeon (don’t care, stupid birds) a suspected bat (bit miffed, I like bats – if it was one) and a lovely fluffy white owl.  According to Chris Packham that’s one of the reasons why they are planting all those trees alongside motorways; so the owl’s hunting glide will be above the level of the traffic.  Eyes like a hawk, ears like a bat, brains like a penis.


In other work related news, that is about all I am doing.

I rode in for three days last week. This means I set off at 1400, work until 0300, ride home, strip wash, have a brew and get in bed for 0430. On a good day sleep till 1230 (eight hours of interrupted daytime sleep), get up get a shower, make my dinner and butties and set out to work.

On Thursday and Friday I had to get up at 1130 (Kung Fu and big shop respectively) so seven hours shitty daytime kip. But both events made me too late for the bike so at least I got home a bit quicker in the car.

All I’m doing is literally work and sleep. From Monday at 1400 until Saturday noon. I see Wendy for half an hour on a Monday morning (when I run her in to work) and about an hour or so (as I’m doing other stuff) on Wednesday, then it’s Saturday afternoon and Sunday.

Bag. Of. Shit.

Today I got to bed at 0500 and was woken by a neighbour’s yappy dog less than five hours later. Then the neighbour’s grandkids. Not only loud but high pitched. I got another hour or so (dragged a mattress into the hall and shut all the doors) but I’ve been half dead all day.

I’ve bitten the bullet and applied for another job! Go me!

That one with Hermes I wanted before I got this one. Their website says they are after 12 drivers. Watch this space.


I finally got to fill the car up again on Friday. Real world figures make it 49.56 miles to the gallon. There was some experimenting with acceleration in those figures so 50 mpg is not too shabby.


That fiasco with the bank has ended up with us being spanked fiercely. They cancelled the 2k overdraft down to a 1k without notice then charged us for 9 counts of ‘unauthorised overdraft’. £161. Ker-Ching!  Bastards!

I’ve just paid the tax man his blood money for this year and we will be back in credit with the bank when I next get paid. Then it’s just a matter of paying off the credit card. Again.

Still, at the minute I’m working 55+ hour week’s, so I may not have a life but shit is getting paid off.

If I get this new job it’s better pay, guaranteed minimum of 40 hours, with time and a third overtime (of which there will doubtless be much). The down side is you have to do some weekend work.


There is a tiny chip in my windscreen. I went online to arrange to have it glued up. (Free on my insurance! Yay for minor victories!) They wanted to know make, model, reg etc. Then they had a box: “Is there anything else you’d like to tell us?” I tried to be helpful by telling them “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” They didn’t mention it when they ‘phoned to confirm. Ingrates. You go the extra mile…


Also I was getting pissed off with people dazzling me with full beam headlights at night. I started a rant on Twitter:

There are only so many times one can fantasize about deploying a retina-frying laser before one builds a death-ray. Dip your headlights!

As we all know ‘laser’ is just the process. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. So first I’ll need lots of light.

The USians do daylight saving over the Summer (which explains our dearth come Autumn) so they should have lots of spare light, cheap.

Get them to Skype me some weapons grade stuff and we are in business.

Amplifying the light shouldn’t be too difficult, I’ll just turn the Skype up to 11. Wasted as a lorry driver. Physics is my natural calling.


Which whimsy brings me to my seriously truncated Twitter week.


The DMreporter was all over the news:

NOTICE: We are closing this account with immediate effect. David Cameron’s collaboration with One Direction has ruled satire irrelevant.

FINANANCE: RBS chiefs to get £6m bonus payout for ‘having the decency to admit they’d been defrauding the public for years.’

SOUTH AFRICA: Police admit they’re stumped over Reeva Steenkamp case and appeal for “wild, unfounded speculation from Daily Mail readers.”

POPE: Resignation linked to gay homosexual parties with gay homosexuals doing gay homosexual things.

SCROUNGERS: 95% of benefit claimants are jobless single mothers of 11 children, all of whom are laughing at you.


Some general observations:

I guess I knew my marriage was doomed when the first song at my wedding was "Life Insurance Payout", a song composed by my wife.

There is much to admire about the Sugababes. They survived an entire line-up change. The Beatles never managed that.

Why use a shampoo that ‘nourishes rebellious hair’? THIS WILL SIMPLY ENCOURAGE THE WRONG KIND OF HAIR, YOU THICK FUCK.

Birds Eye withdraw beef products over misleading labelling & #horsemeat concerns. This the company that sells fish ‘fingers’.

Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability. ~ Schopenhauer

I let people know I was back in training:

Windy today. Forgot how much* I like cycling. (*Not. At. Fucking. All.)

Job interview: "What’s your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don’t think honesty is a weakness. "I don’t give a f**k what you think."

I believe Winnie the Pooh has a right to bear arms.


Politics/ Tory scum:

#Workfare does not end the "something for nothing" culture. It elevates it to the corporate level. That’s all.

BBC reports Cameron thinks it’s "completely wrong" to criticise the monarchy. BBC says nothing on the morality of Cameron destroying the NHS

What a cheek. Europhobe Boris wants EU to bail out his #dangleway that no one uses http://snipelondon.com/scoop/boris-johnson-asks-eu-to-bail-out-loss-making-cable-car …

Bloody unemployed poor people, stealing all rich folks money!! Bastards.

Dear Gideon, you said judge you on whether we kept the AAA rating. We lost it, i’m judging you; fuck off you cruel arrogant bastard

#BBCNews‘s piece on unemployment figures might just as well be a picture of a reporter with their nose lodged in IDS’s anus.


Best. Sidecar. Ever.


And finally, hella-cat!


Bah, barely worth me saying I’m on Twitter anymore! *tired grumpy face*