Ed Balls.

Sorry, that’s a Twitter joke. Apparently two years ago today, at 1620 hrs, Ed Balls did a vanity search. ie, typed his name to see who was talking about him, but being a noob he sent it as a tweet instead of searching it. The tweet was therefore just: “Ed Balls”

For some reason this has gained massive traction as a meme and today is now Ed Balls day. My Twitter timeline was just a mass of Ed Balls today. He even tweeted it again. Bless.

Sorry, that was utterly pointless. A topical subject for my blog post title with no relevance or merit outside of it’s ‘in joke’ milieu. So, a neat metaphor for the internet.

You’re welcome.


Work is mad as a carrot at the minute. I had three days in, a night shift and two day shifts. I’m so far out of my comfort zone I might as well wear cactus underpants. I had a run to Bristol with an absolute bitch of a reverse. The bays had inches between them and restricted area to the front to line it up. Luckily when I went there were several empty bays so I had room to swing the trailer wide. I’d have still been there now if, as sometimes happens there, there was an extra row of trucks parked to the front and a trailer either side, and having to blind side it in.  That’s how tight it is, you can’t even go in on the drivers side, leaning out of the window, you sometimes have to go in using your offside mirror and getting out and checking every few inches. Like I say, I was lucky.

Then they sent me out on a multidrop. The fun thing about that was they gave me a sheet with my drops on, a company name (for some of them) a general area (Deeside industrial park) and a postcode. That meant I had no idea where I was going and just had to blindly follow my satnav. Except they gave me the wrong postcode for the Deeside one so I ended up driving around a little housing estate in Mold.  I had to spin a bloody great artic around in the street, go along B roads and when I’d got to the wrong location ask for the right place. It was a nightmare.

Then they sent me back to Bristol again, in the daytime so the yard was empty (yay!) but Bristol then sent me to a further two drops around the area. One in Bristol town centre. Tight little corners with stupid roads and every dickhead with a car out to have me kill them. If you’ve got a tight corner that means the arse end is going to swing wide, I was convinced I was going to wipe some of the dickheads out who were trying to come past me. I meant to check my trailer when I got back to see if I had hit anyone. When you have a bend on you can’t see your arse end.

So basically my week at work has been one of hot flushes and anxiety attacks.


My training kicked off at long last. I did a 2 mile and a 1.6 mile swim, a quick 35 mile ride (with two ascents of Frodsham hill) and two 10 mile runs.

I was about a mile from home on the ride when the agency called me.

“Can you go in today?”

“Sure, what time?”




The really worrying thing was the running. That run last week where I had to stop about four times was disturbing. Then I did a 10 mile run and the whole time I just wanted to stop. It was only my self disgust that kept me going. The time was atrocious and it killed me. The achievement was just finishing the 10 miles.

I was deeply concerned. Running is the one thing that I don’t struggle with. It’s not that long ago I cruised the Bolton hill marathon. If I can’t even run then I have real issues.

Anyway, I went for the same 10 miler on Saturday. I needed to do more but I’m having major mojo issues at the minute but I thought that was the least I could do. The good news is I managed to find a comfortable rhythm for miles at time, (it was still not easy) I kept up a reasonable pace and managed to up the pace to make the last mile my fastest. It was still only a 7.20 m/m, but I’ll take it. I knocked 4 minutes off the last attempt. That’s how bad it was.

Previous run I got slower and slower and just wanted to stop, that one I kept pushing the time and still had plenty left to sprint the last bit. Slightly encouraging.

Back to it tomorrow.


Also I’ve been watching some films this week. I’ve found this site that is basically nerd-vana. A ton of different articles on sci-fi. One of which was ‘”90’s film you may have missed.”

I watched Dogma. Turns out there’s a bloody good reason I missed that.

Tonight we watched Boondock Saints. It’s a hoot. Sort of psychopathic Blues Brothers. On a mission from god to kill all the evil-doers. Ace film!

And we went to the pictures to watch Iron Man 3! Go us!

A Twitter chum said it was better than Avengers Assemble, which I didn’t believe. I asked and someone else said it was really good. This surprised me as Iron Man 2 was a crock of shit. Without the crock.

We risked it. We couldn’t conceive of any film being better than one directed by Joss (we are not worthy, we are not worthy) Whedon and we were right. Still, it was good. The best of the franchise and immeasurably better than 2. In a way we were relieved. Joss is still boss! #jossisboss

If you go to see it wait for the seemingly interminable credits to end as there is a bonus scene.


Also I tried my hand at a new recipe. Cheesecake. Off the BBC food site. New York vanilla cheesecake. It’s a bit of a faff. Cook the base biscuits, leave to cool, add the cheese mix, cook for 10 minutes, drop the temperature and cook for 25 minutes, leave to cool in the oven for 2 hours, add the sour cream mix topping, leave in the ‘fridge for a minimum of 8 hours.

It is well nice.


In unrelated news I am bloating out to enormous proportions and need to get on a diet. *shoves another slice of cheesecake into mouth, blubs in self loathing*


One other incident I’ve just remembered. I was driving back solo (no trailer) when I got passed by a van pulling a car on trailer. The trailer was narrower than the van so I was musing that he wouldn’t even be able to see his arse end when he’d overtaken and wanted to pull back into the inside lane. I subconsciously glanced in my mirror at my trailer “WHERE’S MY …..oh.”

That was a nasty shock. For a split second I thought my trailer had fallen off or something. Woke me up, mind.



“But what of Twitter?”, you ask. After the themed weeks of late, apart from the not funny Ed Balls thing it’s been a mixed bag.

The DMreporter traditionally starts us off;

ISLAM BRAINWASH: Boston bomb wife used to “love Jesus & America too / was a good girl, crazy ‘bout Elvis / loved horses & her boyfriend too”

THREAT: FBI label pressure cookers ‘weapons of mass destruction’. Tony Blair demands new investigation into Iraq’s relationship with Tefal.

SCOTLAND: Support for independence soars after Alex Salmond promises “you’ll never pay for another Tory prime ministers funeral ever again.”

SCROUNGERS: Disability claimants spending taxpayers money on acting lessons to deceive government assessors, say government assessors.

POLL: Does racism actually exist, or are none-whites making stuff up again? You decide.

NIGEL FARAGE: “150% of Romanians already living in the UK are criminals. 210% of Bulgarians are illegal. DO WE WANT MORE???”



Politics/ Tory scum

I noticed this:

Here’s a nice quote " UKIP would withdraw from the European Convention of Human Rights and the European Convention on Refugees."

That was from UKIP policy page. Alrighty, torture my arse, where do I sign?

20% of UKIP members think employers should favour white applicants #notracist

Labour today reveals x10 rise in private ambulance provision, including blue-light calls. This is how your NHS is changing under Mr Cameron.

Tories threatened to “suspend” the European Convention on Human Rights:

LOL at the Nadger standing up to ask why we can’t suspend international law and "just put Abu Qatada on a plane". Law, how does that work?

What gets missed in Qatada Daily Mail fervour, is that it is not about him nor ECHR but about UK saying, yes, torture to get ev is OK.

You must admit, facilitating extradition to Jordan by making the UK’s judicial process worse than Jordan’s, is ingenious.

This Abu Qatada farce shows how little right-wingers care for rule of law for people they dislike. If he’s a threat to UK put him on trial!

Rights that I only have if the State doesn’t feel inconvenienced by them. There’s a problem with that I can’t quite put my finger on. #ECHR

I’d like a new computer but I can’t afford one. I’m thinking maybe opt out of UK law for a bit, nick it, opt back in. Bob’s your uncle.

UKIP candidate – physical exercise prevents homosexuality (no – not satire) http://wp.me/p1U04a-4uA

(to which my gay chum @incurablehippie replied)

Ah, that’s where I’ve been going wrong!

(I answered:) Where *I* am going wrong. If it wasn’t for all this tri bollocks I could have a fabulous wardrobe.

(She agreed:)  And beautiful interior design.

IDS "tells" the poor and "asks" the well off pensioners cos the pensioners vote and victims of the Tories stay at home when elections come

Why do people call pensions benefits they,r paid for by the recipient insured entitlements get it right, don’t fall for politicians crap

"If you don’t really need that £3,000,000,000 tax break, u should pay it back to HM Revenue&Customs" Minister doesn’t tell giant coffee corp

Iain Duncan Smith urges rich elderly to ‘hand back’ benefits, but higher rate tax payers can keep their tax break



General observations:

If science was a matter of opinion, you wouldn’t be reading this on an electronic device. You’d be a bit fucking busy dying of polio.

USA says American held by N Korea on spying charges is held illegally and will not get fair trial: bloody hell imagine that #guantanamo

Feel quite sorry for the T-Rex now. I too know the pain of having had a disappointing snack. #jurassicpark

Irony at it’s best:

1. Write hilarious tweet. 2. Laugh uncontrollably. 3. Send tweet. 4. 2 Retweets 5. Die alone.

The monument to the 200,000 dead in Hiroshima. The dome in the background is the one building that stayed standing.

It’s very important to take all injuries seriously – use the acronym ‘RACE’ as a guideline: Rest, Alcohol, Chocolate & Elevation #running

When someone describes a city as a living, breathing thing they’re actually thinking of bison.

I remembered an anecdote of our Lisa (my sister)

Some new-ager was pestering my sister to sponsor her for walking on hot coals. She said she’d give her 50p a mile.

Everybody’s takin bout broadchurch. I don’t watch it but I’m also shocked! #notbeingleftout #bandwagon

The Circle Line has voted to form a breakaway republic. This brazen act of rebellion has been ruthlessly crushed, leading to minor delays.

TEECHORE: (eating ice cream) Chiltrens ,Im teech youm maney Stufe todoy . CHILTRENS: Yaye! TEECHORE: (points at sky) The Worlde am flate .

(That’s part of an ongoing twitter account. It’s a criminal/ cop story that is strangely hilarious.)

I’m sure twitter has highlighted the strange situation where home made bomb, kills 3 is a WMD, but a gun that kills scores is a human right.

St George’s day:

Ah St. George, icon of a religion I don’t believe in, symbol of the place I happened to be born in. I am positively overcome with pride

Some arsehole put:

Perhaps St George should stop fannying about slaying dragons and come back and slay some fucking Muslims to save the country!

To which a chum replied:

Unlikely, as St George is venerated in both Christain and Islamic culture. Oh, and he was Palestinian-born Greek. You’re welcome.

Heartwarming to see the the EDL celebrating the birth of a Greek born in Palestine *wipes tear from eye*

Not the stairs you want to negotiate on the way back from the pub:

Simple genius:

Top bit of headline writing:

I can’t believe Luis Suarez is being exiled to the Phantom Zone. If anything, this will strengthen General Zod.

Get your head around this: (someone had to tell me, I couldn’t work it out)

Four people arrested after burning a baby alive because they thought the toddler was the Antichrist http://shar.es/lnOS7 #religion #p2

The Skeptics™ are a shadowy cabal of people known only by their real names, who show sinister devotion to facts and evidence. #Burzynski

Just booked my summer holiday. I’m excited because staring at my phone in a different location really broadens the mind.

A terrier used for illegal badger-baiting has recovered after suffering 3rd degree burns. Nothing deadlier than a badger with a flamethrower

I have put 1 sock on. Not sure I have the energy for the other one. I bet this is how Michael Jackson started with the glove thing.

‘Mammy, I will help you to get up because I love you and you’re sooo fat’ #sigh

PRETEND you have a nut allergy by eating peanuts a few minutes before you die.

SHIT! My mate* just knocked my pint** out of my hand and ruined my new Diesel jeans***! *cat **mug of warm milk ***Fireman Sam pyjamas

UK started running military drones:

VACANCY:LINCOLNSHIRE. Do you enjoy watching weddings?Have a flair for bringing excitement to village gatherings?Become a drone pilot today!

Avoid embarrassment over not knowing which fork or spoon to use in fancy restaurants by bringing your own spork.

Firefighter with a respirator resuscitating a mama cat while her kitten looks on:

There. Kitten commitment fulfilled, I can go now.