Start again.

As ever, interesting times.

A week and a half into Mission Improbable and I’ve had to re-evaluate my strategy. I arbitrarily set the bar at 6 minute/ mile and told my body to get a grip and get on with it. Ten days in and I was still dying at 1½ miles. I just couldn’t keep it going. The heat is incredible and I just can’t seem to breathe enough air in.

I did a quick re-think of my goals. First I have to concentrate on cracking the 3 hour barrier. Then, the next year possibly try to win a marathon. With this in mind I went on to the Runner’s World website and found a sub 3 marathon plan. Week 1, day 3: Run 3 miles at 6m/m.


Second rethink.

Do what I should have done from the offset; find my body’s baseline of fitness and build from there. Today I ran 2 miles at 7 m/m, that was no problem at least. I was worried my fitness in going long had completely gone. Without pausing I cranked it up to 6½ m/m and did a mile and a half.

I’m going to try again tomorrow just at 6½ m/m pace. If three miles is the starting fast distance I need to know what my maximum speed is and build from there. Also today I had a genius thought and went to the charity shop near us that deals in home furnishings and electrical goods and got a fan on a stand. It looks like it could do that “Maxell; break the sound barrier” thing.

Yeah, keeping it real for the yoof of today with my contemporary cultural references.

Anywho, see how I fare tomorrow with coolness.


In other news, I got a text this morning saying to ring work, (the haulage company, not the agency) did so, seems they have too many drivers at Irlam and have no further use for me, but want me to work out of Crewe.

That would be a 70 mile daily commute, and I know they have already told Crewe depot that it is being closed before March next year.


In the grand scheme of things it might be a good thing. I’m not on good money or great shifts and there is no prospect of me being taken on off the agency here, it’s just that I know this job and am very comfortable doing it. I’m scared of trying something new. Now I have no choice. Ho hum.

I’ve applied for one with Walkers Crisps working out of Birchwood and I’ll apply for some more on Monday morning when the agencies are up and running.

Buggery bugger! Not good with being assessed or doing new things. It’s all just driving, I shouldn’t get stressed, but there you go.


Wendy’s having loads of issues with that gall bladder thing. She got a letter last week saying she has and appointment to see the consultant on the 14th of November. She was up from 2200 until 0700 nearly crying with the pain again last night. Wankers.

Screw that, if I get it I’ll whip the bastard out myself. It’s right near the front, how hard can it be?


But what of Twitter? Glad you asked.


The DMreporter had:

JAMES FORSYTH: “Using 15 perfect quotes from conveniently anonymous sources I masterfully dissect Westminster gossip. I am amazing.”

FREE SPEECH: McCann’s taunted by vile internet trolls. Inside – we print them all for your disgust. The comments are unmoderated #wink.

AMANDA PLATELL’S WORDS OF COMFORT: “No wonder Madonna is studying Islam, it will allow her to wear a veil and hide her aged face.”

DISGRACE: BBC defends Alan Yentob’s monstrous £330,000 salary. “It’s shocking greed” said Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre (£1.8m per annum).

COMMERCE: Tesco to open range of Food Bank Express™ stores in a bid to capture the growing ‘poverty stricken urban dweller’ demographic.

OSBORNE: “Either we give our nuclear energy market over to the Communists or we let the British unions win.”

USA of AMERICA: Congress borrow $236bn on the first day since government shutdown, most of it going towards their British Gas bill.

WORKFARE: Illegal immigrant detainment camps go be be merged with Poundland.

POWER: Church of England calls for energy firms to use their profits to help mankind. “You first” said a British Gas spokesman.

ENERGY: British Gas chairman blames ‘unavoidable’ price rises on ‘wars and the environment and stuff, plus I’d quite like a boat.’

HEATING: People who take off jumpers because they’re too warm may be liable for a wardrobe tax, confirm government.

SCIENCE: Owen Paterson urges UK geneticists to breed badgers with targets on their back.

FEMININISM: Women – know your place

FEMININISM: Women - know your place

TECHNOLOGY: David Cameron advises all parents worried about children being exposed to violent imagery on Facebook to “put on a jumper.”

PROUD GRANDAD: Prince George’s first words said to be ‘heavily critical of British post-war industrial architecture.’

COST: 1% pay rises, 3% inflation, 10% fuel hike, 11% MP pay rises, 33% undervaluing of Royal Mail. We ask, when will the immigrants go home?



In politics/ tory scum we had:

UKIPtips (subsection) : Disguise racist conversations with fellow Ukippers in public by substituting the word ‘badgers’ for ‘muslims’.

Israel has broke 65 U.N resolutions with no consequences. Iraq broke two and got invaded, bombed and destroyed.”

Like, how did we as a society get to a place where it’s normal to work 40+ hour weeks & still be in poverty, & get MOCKED for it?

If I’m understanding the GOP, as long as Obama keeps giving health care to children born poor, they’ll never be motivated to be born rich.

David Cameron: scourge of benefit tourism. But challenged by the EU to show evidence it’s happening, he’s produce zilch in three years.

Top Q from Graham Jones Lab MP: why is intervening in the market all right in the mortgage market but not the energy market?

I see Asda have a food bank trolley in their store. Of course, they could just pay their workers. #workfare #slavelabour

#Libdem @DavidLaws tells teachers to ‘live in real world’, world where you can fiddle £40,000 of public money +keep your job eh Mr Laws ???

The Danny Alexander Cookbook has just been published. Every recipe starts with "First clear up the mess left by Labour".

"I’d respect Gove’s passion for unqualified teachers more if he agreed to be operated on by an unqualified surgeon."

Tory MP David Davies said that receiving housing benefit was like “knocking on neighbour’s doors asking for money”.

whereas Tory donors dodging billions in tax is like kicking neighbours’ doors in, robbing them and trashing it.

May says the racist van was a "blunt instrument". I didn’t know it was actually supposed to hit immigrants.

In an early contender for Understatement of the 21st Century, Sir John Major believes ‘Iain Duncan Smith’s genius’ is "unproven."



And lovely General was general. And lovely.

(Serious note first. If you’ve not read this I suggest you give it a go. It’s gobsmacking: ) What happened to Madeleine McCann? Read what the Portuguese say. The interim report of Tavares de Almeida #McCann … …

As my chum Tommy just pointed out, only the Mail would draw our attention to the "stare" and the "smirk" of an E-FIT of the McCann suspect.

Let’s not forget the McCanns left twin babies alone as well as Madelaine. Total neglect

Do you have any information about a crime you have kept to yourself for 6 years? If so, the Police would like to hear from you


Just saw a headline of "SLASH BENEFITS FOR EU MIGRANTS". Disappointed to realise Slash isn’t performing a series of benefit concerts.

Celebrating Columbus Day the way our forefathers intended, by walking into other peoples’ homes and announcing that I live there now.

People who seem to think I should be embarrassed by being in favour of benefits; got a big bag of fucks here. I’m afraid you can’t have any

TLFtravelalerts had:

The signals at Bank proclaim ‘The Timetable is dead’. Ditto a coherent sense of objective truth. Nietzschean delays due to perspectivism.

Severe delays on the Metropolitan line due to a track failure at ha ha ha, not really, it’s because of dragons.

Ironically, the Bus King absolutely hates impromptu street music.


Bunch of girls parked in disabled spot, had decency to be embarrassed. To mate "Well you’re a spacker." Keep it classy ladies

VeryBritishProblems had:

The shock of someone telling you how they are after you ask them how they are

Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

Apologising to the person who just shattered your hip with their shopping trolley


“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” A. Lamott.

Here’s something fun to do. sneak out of bed and get your feet muddy then tell your partner next morn you had a dream about killing someone

Sat in Asda’s cafe with a sausage roll, 5yr old son turns to me and says "Oh Mum… this is the life!" Thank God for his low expectations.

Did Prince Charles actually just say ‘your grandchildren and mine’ will struggle in the future!? #IsHeFuckingKiddingMe

The British Gas #AskBG session is going well then.

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I remember the last time the tories were in, the ‘joke’ then was "what’s blue and fucks pensioners? Hypothermia." Nothing changes. #bastards

An official from British Gas says that a price rise doesn’t mean energy bills will rise too…unless you use the same amount as you do now.

Since 1990, 1433 people have died in police custody or after police “contact”. Who trusts the police?

60% of public say they trust the police. 60% of white, rich, never-had-anything-to-do-with-the-police people, presumably

Homophobia is a lifestyle choice.

"Crime does not pay!" -Crime intern

Well. Those stiffer sentences will certainly make me re-think slavery as an option.

One of the account directors just bragged that the security on the website we’re building will be "as tough as the Maginot Line".

Probably reasonable to wear an extra jumper for warmth if your house is the size of Norfolk and your boiler was designed to burn millhands.

It’s 00:10. FOR AMERICA: Six Book to Film Adaptations That Make Us Sad Inside – …


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Funny how you never see the words "DEEP PENETRATING" on shampoo made for men.

Just done three lines of Demerara sugar. Off my tits.


X Factor. A small, sickly sparrow takes the stage and dies. The judges unanimously declare it an eagle and confirm it is alive and well.

Dear Americans: Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005. Since then, it’s been sodomy 24/7. Can’t even finish a tweet without being sodo

(Spoof IDS account wrote) My salary is £65,000 a year. After petrol, food and housing are deducted I’m only left with £65,000 a year. I deserve an 11% pay rise.

Camouflage Dog

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"Mommy, are you a doctor?" "Yes, I am a PhD doctor." "Oh, you are a pretend doctor." Wait, what? You’re two. It starts this early?

Powerful Ads Use Real Google Searches to Show the Scope of Sexism Worldwide

You should not fear that you are alone and meaningless in the universe. I mean, you are, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it.

Word. RT @captainjenneger: @sullenhearts I love hedgehogs but I wouldn’t want to squeeze one out of my fanny.

I asked people who had reported harassment or assault to their employer to tell me what happened after. 23 of 25 were fired within 3mos.

So, we’re knitting hats for juice bottles to help old people stay warm this winter. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d prefer a welfare state.

BOOK FACT: If you tear a page out of a book and hold it up to the light, you are a monster. Please stop defacing the books.

A POWERFUL boat with a reinforced hull and specially-shaped bow makes an excellent icebreaker at parties and meetings.

Oh, "shoplifters and proud" that looks like an even, balanced and insightful examination of the issues of the sub class.

There isn’t a single hair left anywhere on Brody. Was he smuggled out of America in a barrel of Veet? #homeland

Weekends. The sprinkle of transient and ephemeral delight on the dog turd of life.

Subway customer advice…


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If you cycle home from work you are probably already quite fit. Don’t forget to tell people this all the time.

Npower: no corporation tax in three years and £35million in bonuses for bosses

Things NPower would prefer you not to know: "

Nigella Farage advised: Give Italian food an English twist by replacing all the ingredients with a Ginsters steak slice.

Re energy bills Cameron insists it’s about giving customers more choice. If they’re not happy they can simply switch from heating to eating.

Being human means learning to see the common humanity in us all

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Work out your TOWIE name by simply taking your own name and giving it a spray tan and some unnecessary cosmetic surgery.

Preacher tells parents to punch gay children, crack their "limp-wrists":

Well, I’ve just cut a clown in half and I can tell you, there’s no silver lining. What? Cloud? What do you mean ‘cloud’? Oh. Oops.

#Poland Roman #Catholic archbishop says ‘children partly responsible for #sexual abuse!’

I once wrote "Halloween" in school & my teacher said "WRONG! it’s Hallowe’en" so I pretended the apostrophe stood for MrsHughesIsABigBitch.

Still the undisputed Newspaper Correction champion

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They talk all about how much George looks like William. If you mention how much Harry looks like James Hewitt, it’s “bad taste”. #SkyPapers

#genius quote from Tom Clancy: " The difference between fiction and reality is fiction has to make sense."

WORK CHEAT: If you press up, down, left, right, A, B, C on your laptop keyboard, you’ll be 20 seconds closer to the end of the day.

Just had an email conversation with CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK. I think I’ve gone deaf in both eyes.

Ealing comedies have prepared me so poorly for life. Just followed two men carrying a pane of glass for six miles. Nothing.

1. growth is picking up, but it’s been held down unnecessarily 2. to whom are the proceeds of that growth going? 3. Cost of living crisis.

There’s nothing luckier than a rabbit’s foot. Until an angry three-legged rabbit arrives at your house with all his pals and a baseball bat.

Recovery? Wages ↑ 0.7% Gas ↑ 45% Stamp ↑ 56% Water ↑ 20% Rail ↑ 27% Bus ↑ 22% Rent ↑ 15% Electric ↑ 39% Food ↑ 19%

No man is an island. Except maybe Barry White.

1 Turning the corner 2 On Path to Prosperity… Cul-de-sac of credit? Deleveraging Drive? Roundabout of Rebalancing? Living standards Lane?

Seeds Of thought Grow in my hand Reaching Grasping To understand

Just saw a special on @NatGeo about snakes who are DEVELOPING THE ABILITY TO FLY FROM TREETOPS. #goodbyesleep

Don’t forget that tonight the clocks are still a tool of OPPRESSION built by the MAN to keep us DOWN.

What is it with poetry on twitter? It always involves touching of souls and shit.


And that’s your lot.



PS This is the best news story in the history of ever! I lol-ed and lol-ed.