Fighting fit.

I’m back! Back to Karate. Of sorts.

The first lesson I was hugely disappointed. I chose this club because it’s run on 6 nights out of 7, so I can fit it in around my shifts. Originally I was looking for Lau Gar Kung Fu, it’s one of the original Shaolin temple styles of Kung Fu. Massively impractical but *so* cool!

There are no classes in Warrington, nor any in the North West that run often enough for my hit and miss days off. I think Wing Chun Kung Fu is probably the most practical, but that needs constant practice with a skilled partner.

So I went back to Karate. Set drills (kata) proper gym (dojo) discipline, rigid learning routines. Perfect for me as that is how I learn, constant repetition of the same moves and being able to practice them at home.

I went to the first lesson and one of the instructors (sensei) gave me one-on-one instruction for the whole hour, giving me a taste of what’s involved in this school of Karate. First off, it’s not kata based. That is something you learn but only as a sideline. Secondly, they have taken on the modern trend towards Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). There was a section on stand up wrestling, some drills doing kick-boxing’s ‘flying knee’ and some boxing punches! So not impressed. One thing in particular, the knee drills, we were stood inches apart, hand around each other’s head, straining against the other’s grip. This gave you great purchase so you could pull down and knee up that same time. My concern was if you do that the other person is just going to butt you down.

I consoled myself by thinking that it’s the only game in town for me (that fits my shifts at the minute), and by thinking of the adage “There are no bad martial arts, just bad martial artists.” Any black belt martial artist should be able to knock the shit out of a street brawler.

I wasn’t best pleased though.

I went again today and it was ‘all change’.

The club is a family affair. The black belt sons took the first lesson I attended, the 8th Dan black belt dad took today’s. More like it! The lesson was all about putting your hip into different punches, smacking the punch out and instantly returning your hands to nearly touching either side of your head. Then on to kicks to pads and the knee again. This time, in a more natural scenario the drill from yesterday made sense. You are not standing face to face, as you do the move in a proper environment you’re grabbing their head and pulling it down, they have no chance to butt you. That was reassuring, I’ve been put on my arse, fight over, twice by sneaky headbutts, I didn’t want to train in a way that would leave me open to it again. The last time I did Karate I think the sensei had been butted. Every lesson we practised breaking the grip of the headbutt grab, following through with both thumbs to the eyes, using their momentum to plunge your thumbs in. Nasty, but hey, don’t butt people.

Today’s lesson was a hoot. Proper fight training. The trend towards MMA can be seen as natural evolution. Shaolin Kung Fu was brought to Japan and interpreted as Karate, TaeKwonDo is a Korean interpretation of Karate, Wing Chun was created to beat the Shaolin styles. Whatever wins in fights survives.

So, although not my memory or expectation of Karate, it looks to be a practical martial art. One downside of today though, the constant twisting to throw your hip in to every move has torn a big chunk off the underside of my big toe. No running today then. Nor Karate tomorrow as I let it heal.


Still not splashed out on the bike. Observe my iron will.*grumpy face*

But here is our new washing machine:

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And dryer:

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That was the sound of the bottom of the barrel being scraped. My blog has finally reached it’s official nadir.


Work is getting a bit slack. The second week of no Sunday shift.

Some good news for my sister, Lisa. She opened her new cafe on Friday. I reckon she could coin it in there. All the office wallahs have been sending out for sandwiches at dinnertime for forever (they were doing it when I was there which was years and years back) because the cafe was minging. And going for overpriced coffees at the corporate coffee shops. Walking out past the existing cafe to do coffee and butty runs. Our Lisa can make decent food and they have been gifted a £4,500 proper bee’s-knees, dog’s bollocks, coffee machine. I reckon they’ll make a killing on that alone. They were having a guy flying in from Italy to give them barista training on it!

That was on Friday, a freebie day just getting their presence felt. They open for business on Monday. I’ve already mentioned I want a Harley. *dibs*

Got the car back from the garage. £379! Bastard front suspension shot on one side, bit iffy on the other. I reckon it’s the brutal speed bumps around here. At least I’ve got my headlights fixed now so I can drive at night without dazzling everyone.


But what of Twitter?

OK, here it is:


DMreporter had:

PRINCE ANDREW ALLEGATIONS: Revealed – nothing, actually. Nothing at all. Almost as if the Royal Family are protected under secrecy laws.

SPORT: Oldham confirms that they will be playing with a 4-4-2-Rapist formation next season.

PETER HITCHENS: ‘You know who the real victims of the Paris attacks were? Nigel Farage and Princess Diana.’

CAMERON: "In the name of free speech, to preserve free speech… we must constrain free speech."

CAMERON: "I have plans to make all envelopes transparent and all phones fitted with loudspeakers. It’s the only way to ensure free speech."

HEALTH: We get two sentences into an article about mastectomies before we capitalise BOOBS and use the words ‘flaunting’ and ‘assets.’ Win.

BREAKING: Smoke detected in Channel Tunnel. We ask, which terrorist organisation is almost certainly responsible and how long until you die?

STOCK IMAGE: “Just drink this apple juice” they said. “It’ll probably never be seen” they said.

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• 10,000 dead

• Localised ice age hits Wales

• Grit traded on stock exchange

• Another centimetre expected at lunch.




In Politics/Tory Scum we had:

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According to the Telegraph, Labour plans to hit "middle-class workers". They mean people earning over £150,000 a year. The top 1% of earners

When my sis died in a work house from TB in 1926 my family learned that if only the rich can afford health care the poor die miserably #NHS

British rebelliousness

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Statue honouring Margaret Thatcher unveiled in the Falklands

8,000 miles away is prob min safe distance for a Maggie statue.

Ukip councillor fired for allegedly saying she has a ‘problem with negroes’

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Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grudzinski .. wait!, what!??? #ukip

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Every time someone criticises ‘the politics of envy’ remember to switch if round and read as them advocating ‘everyone knowing their place’.

#UKIP election flyer says that benefits claimants should have their cars removed!

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And of course, General:

Big dog:

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Thinking about stat: US prison population up 800% since start of war on drugs. A: doubled every 13 years, B: Clearly winning that war.

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in

Pinot: [holds up wineglass] Pinot Noir: [holds up wineglass in trenchcoat. It was a rainy night. the kind of night that asks a man who he is

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The Viz:

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Usual post Muslim atrocity tweet; I remember when the IRA were killing us like flies and we sent all the white xtians back to Xtianistan.

So the Americans are up, and explaining that guns would have helped against rocket launchers, which is why they have no mass shootings.

Nice to see the yanks leap on a terrorist attack to "prove" that gun control doesn’t work. Tell it to your monthly high school dead.

Atheism: Nothing to kill for and we’re ok with that.

It’s 10 degrees here in the Bible Belt so I’m walking up to people shouting WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?

Hey mother in law…. Don’t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.

I’m going with 24 hours.

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Devon farmer forced to cull aggressive Nazi-bred cows.

Fucking Nazi cows. I hate Nazi cows. It’s the final solution for you.

Girl (tucking into her veggie option in a cafe in town): These potatoes are amazing. What’s your secret? Cafe owner (proudly): Goose fat.

pizza, that well known instrument of political islam

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(To which I replied)

Heard today one of the terror suspects was a former pizza delivery guy. Coincidence? I think not! #jihadipizza

First they radicalised us with their jihadi pizza and I said nothing because I like pizza…

(guy replied)

I recently ordered a pizza from some non-regulation-skin-tone sorts and it had a mosque in it. people need to wake up


What if god was one of us, just a stranger on the bus, what if god is the bus driver, what if god is chasing you with a bus

If you pet a cat against the grain they will slowly build up enough static to float away. *shadowing eyes with hand* Godspeed Mittens.

Saw a crow struggling north against the wind. It gave up, turned round and rocketed southwards, experiencing some turbulence.

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All I hear is our elites crying about difficult economic times & how the people must tighten their belts.

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Trying to beat the philosophy out of this philosophy student. "But why?", he screams. This only makes me punch him harder.

A light-hearted moment from a children’s bible there

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terrorism has no religion

(I commented)

And atheism has no terrorism.

Charlier than thou

"O, for a Muse of Fire, that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention." Henry V Prologue. #ShakespeareSunday

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I love how the word ‘kitchen’ looks like an actual kitchen. If you squint. And maybe take a small amount of lsd.

Fox news had a “terrorism expert” on who declared that Birmingham (UK) was a Muslim city that non-Muslims dare not enter. Twitter went into meltdown.

Residents of Stratford-upon-Avon are forced to speak in iambic pentameter. Those who fail to do so are fed to angry swans #foxnewsfacts

Milton Keynes was John Maynard Keynes’s younger brother. #FoxNewsFacts

There’s a type of yoghurt in Birmingham called Mullah Light. #FoxNewsFacts

The original name of the show was MiddleEastEnders. The BBC dropped the "Middle" to conceal its creeping sharia agenda. #foxnewsfacts

The Black Country was painted by locals following the new law made by The Rolling Stones when they came into power. #foxnewsfacts

Mecca Bingo doesn’t even try to hide where its profits are sent. #foxnewsfacts

The most accurate, direct translation of the true path to God in the Quran is ‘Down the Aston Expressway, chick, orright?’ #FoxNewsFacts

Cats are legal currency in Wales #FoxNewsFacts

the red panda in Birmingham’s celebrated Nature Centre is in fact a normal panda drenched in the blood of the infidel. #FoxNewsFacts

#foxnewsfacts Richard the third was buried under a car park as punishment for not correctly displaying a ticket.

If you are a non-muslim and would like to visit Birmingham #illridewithyou #FoxNewsFacts

Images of Christians entering Birmingham have emerged #foxnewsfacts

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Later tonight, we’ll be reporting on the start of Birmingham Fashion Week. #FoxNewsFacts

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Fox News confirm ‘Boots On The Ground’ in Birmingham. #foxnewsfacts

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In Manchester, a single guinea pig is worshipped as the sun god Ra. I don’t make the rules, k? #FoxNewsFacts

Andy Murray converted to Islam moments after winning Wimbledon in the Summer of 2013. #creepingsharia #FoxNewsFacts

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"Unlike the Middle East, they drive their camels on the left side of the road in Birmingham" #FoxNewsFacts

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Je suis Birmingham

You should have stuck to your biscuits, you’re good at that. You’re shite at news, Fox.

Birmingham – where even cars are forced to wear the burka. #FoxNewsFact

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The Downton Abbey dog called "Isis" was part of a sleeper cell according to security service sources #foxnewsfacts

#foxnewsfacts The Nazis were socialists ISIS is Islamic Rupert Murdoch is a lovely boss & in no way reminds us of an evil tortoise

Making it embarrassing to be American going to work tomorrow in Birmingham #foxnewsfacts

Convert to Islam, Bruce Forsyth, summoned to Birmingham Palace where Queen beheads him under Sharia Law #FoxNewsFacts

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Just how dangerous is this slide?

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American Cardinal says women are to blame when Catholic priests rape children:

[At interview] -On your cv you’ve put, "man of mystery" -Yes -Would you like to elaborate? –No

‘American Sniper’ is a big hit for Americans who fantasize about shooting Arabs but are afraid to go where Arabs shoot back.

Why did I leave my last job? *flashback to me running over a chicken with a lawnmower* Politics.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Resistance is futile.

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You can tell it’s the weekend in America when, instead of school shootings, there’s a mall shooting.

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Bit nippy in Scotland

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Gravity set too high >

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Eight mosques raised over £38,000 in just 6 weeks so Royal Preston Hospital can buy new lfe saving equipment …

‘Prince’ Andrew hires a top lawyer to fight child abuse claims. Put another way. You are all paying for a top lawyer to cover up his crimes

Ever seen a person being judged harder than I am being judged by this dog?????

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It’s not a selfie stick. It’s a narcissistick.

Last bit of this foreign language phrasebook app gets dark and it gets dark FAST.

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How to sneak chocolate into an American cinema

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Pro smoking (tobacco industry stooge) saying plain packaging doesn’t affect kids. Errrr…

That’s cold.

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Excellent work MI5 RIP #LeonBrittan

Former Home Secretary Leon Brittan has died aged 75 after a long battle with cancer… allegedly …

Leon Brittan =Dead tory scum. More please.

Fair point, not proven, if strongly suspected that Leon was a paedo, self confessed Tory. #diescumdie

First law of the internet: innocent until proven dead

Sad to hear about the timely death of Leon Brittan.

#LeonBrittan‘s funeral’s going to be a bit crowded, what with all the mourners, and the reporters, and the elephant in the room.

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The awful irony of this headline…

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I enjoyed Wolf Hall and haven’t yet spotted who’s the werewolf. No spoilers, but my guess is Cardinal Wolsey.

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Floggings, beheadings in public, no free speech or women’s rights. Let’s all pay our condolences to the Saudi Royal Family.

#Saudi: women receive 90 lashes for being raped. In the UK, flags were at half mast for #KingAbdullah.

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Who the f@ck thinks Abdullah was a "benevolent dictator."?

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Astonishing photo showing a man feeding a polar bear and his cubs with milk, Russia, late 1970s.

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And that’s me finally caught up!

Enough and more than.