If at first you don’t succeed…

Skydiving is not for you.

Trying again, with another agency. Since I got binned 5 weeks ago, I’ve had 2 days work (for the thrice damned Stobarts). One of the agencies, that was advertising “Warrington job, trunking to Scotland and Darn Sarf” (then tried to give me jobs 30 miles away) got back to me two weeks ago saying driving assessment for the job I applied for, the following week. On Friday I went for a ‘driving assessment’. It turned into a 4 hour hour induction, site walk, health and safety briefing, drugs and alcohol test, loads of paperwork and finally a drive, which I passed. It’s not in Warrington (only 10 or so miles away at Haydock) it wasn’t just a driving assessment, and it isn’t trunking, it’s store deliveries.

So, nothing at all that they advertised. *sigh*

I start tomorrow. There are hopeful signs. I googled it, someone had asked what they were like to work for and the reply was “my mate works for them, cards in, and he says he’s there for life.”

As I’ve previously noted, all drivers do is whinge, so that’s hopeful. Also it’s delivering to Cash and Carry’s, so it’s not going to be poxy little high street shops. And it’s fully unionised, which is a nice novelty these days.

I noticed on the daily sheet for full time drivers they have a box for double time and triple time, also the sixth day working is paid at time and three quarters! That is shockingly good. And the agency asked me when I wanted to work, said ideally Mon-Fri 05.00-06.00 hrs start, they asked if a 06.00-10.00 window was OK, not a problem. I start at 07.15 tomorrow. That’s promising.

We’ll see tomorrow.  If I don’t love it, the other agency still haven’t got back to me about the Sainsburys induction, I could try that when it comes up. It is directly across the road from this job.


In other news the plaster has been round to mend the hole in the ceiling caused by the flood. Which meant we had to decorate. I’d forgotten what a time consuming pain in the arse that job is. It took two days to paint the kitchen, toilet and adjoining space. And all the doors, which showed up as yellowing when I started doing the skirting boards. Then the wooden blinds looked minging so the third day I had to get a new roller blind, which took 3 trips to the shop. Defective crap. Now we need to replace the lino. It’s not dear but it is going to be a total ballache to fit.


That was not all the painting we did.


Stupid bloody cat had to get in on the action.

Now she lives in fear of serial rapist French skunk, Pepe LePew.


In other news, I was at my Karate class on Friday when the main sensei (instructor/ master) asked to see how I was getting on. Told me to do a few katas (set sequence of moves) then punches, blocks, takedowns and kicks. Half way through I started thinking, “hang on, this feels a lot like a grading”. It was. I was totally unprepared. Normally they set grading days and you have weeks to practise. I passed. I am no longer a noob white belt but a full-on ninja yellow belt now! Men fear me, women want me, tramps shun me.


Also there’s the running. I had sacked it off for a month due to the cold, concentrating on Karate training, and general bone idle laziness. I had put it off so long it had reached a crisis point. I was on wavering over quitting altogether. I even put it to Wendy that I might quit and concentrate on Karate. She said it would be a shame as I’ve been doing that a lot longer.

I focused my chi and went for 10 mile run, the following day I did 8 miles, at the weekend I tested my fitness with a long run and managed 17 miles. Not the 20 I was hoping for, but not the 10 I was fearing.

I’m still in a position to get up to speed for the 50 miler in September.

I will have to see how this new job pans out. If it is early AM starts and not too long shifts, I could alternate my running with Karate training.


But enough of my wittering, time to catch up with Twitter.


The DMreporter had:

SECURITY: Friday’s solar eclipse "could be the perfect opportunity for ISIS to launch a nuclear attack on Britain" warn terror experts.

BUDGET: Personal tax allowance rises to £11,000, pauses then starts again from £300,000.

STEPHEN GLOVER: "Jeremy Clarkson’s real crime is being everything the educated, Guardian reading luvvies at the BBC hate."    And assault.

ATTENTION!: We’ve decided that the flight path between Barcelona and Düsseldorf is now called ‘the route of death.’ Y’know, out of respect.



In Politics/ Tory Scum we had:

Gordon Brown is highest earning MP with £1.37m – but he gives it all to charity http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/home-news/gordon-browns-earnings-go-to-charity.1369735549 …

Ed Miliband: "A country where the next generation is doing worse than their parents is the definition of a country in decline." So true Ed.

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Tories consider limiting child benefit to three children. The three children have yet to be named, but are believed to live in Oxfordshire.

Last thing..for those having a go at pensioners today..may I remind you 1) the state pension will be £115.95 and 2) I’ll never vote Tory

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Hey, Farage. Racist isn’t something you call yourself, it’s denoted by your thoughts and actions. Hence, you are a racist, like it or not.

Nigel Farage has a German wife – surely the ultimate proof that the British just get immigrants to do the jobs no one here can face doing.

What a 24 carat fucking baton. Imagine your kid saying that to you? You’d rather hear ‘Dad, I’m a paedo.’

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Michael Gove said to schools "the culture of re-sits is wrong" and cost kids second chances. The same man failed his driving test 7 times

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"Britain is paying its way" says Osborne -Coalition will leave behind more debt than all Labour Government’s combined http://www.politics.co.uk/comment-analysis/2014/06/17/the-coalition-will-leave-more-debt-than-all-labour-governmen …

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Ha! Cameron not to stand for PM if elected for third term. Don’t count your chickens, Dave, you’ve not been elected once, yet. #twat

David Cameron rules out serving a 3rd term as prime minister. He also ruled out inventing time travel, winning X Factor and riding a unicorn




And as ever, loveliest of all, General:

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18 month old boy shot by his 3yr old brother in Nashville. The only thing that will stop a small boy with a gun is a smaller boy with a gun.

..And they’re obscuring the stoat’s face because…? #WTF

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Hot young poets in your area. Some are bald, others hairier.

My cat is sad because vacuous inspirational quotes with shit artwork seem to be very popular with cats nowadays.

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Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

We now have twice as many followers as @UKIP So vote for the @CrapTaxidermy party and we promise to deport all the Grey Squirrels.

America’s Secret War in 134 Countries http://thenat.in/17DDrJb

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I hate when people tell me swearing isn’t necessary. I’m fucking vulgar, not stupid; I know it isn’t fucking necessary.

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Lie on your hand until it goes numb and it feels like somebody else is drinking themselves to death.

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American Pastor Who Helped Uganda Create ‘Kill The Gays’ Law Will Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity

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Bit personal, but thanks I guess.

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When the hairdresser asks you what you do for a living, quickly spin around in the black cape and shout "I’m Batman!"

Clarkson is so important to the BBC that he can lash out at colleagues. Savile was so important he could rape girls. The BBC is the problem!

I’m striking on Friday. No doubt Clarkson would have me shot in front of my daughter while whining about his dinner to an underling.

I think what we’re all overlooking re Clarkson is that it really is v difficult to be a rich, white, straight Tory man in this country today

#Clarkson has had no support from the BBC? They have given him every backup short of airstrikes.

Compiling some 21st century idioms, eg: “I’m so hungry I could punch a producer.”

Clarkson has to adhere to strict dress code for tomorrow’s sacking

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"Colin, why has a wormhole opened on the landing?" You wanted one there "I said STAIRgate" [looks up from paper] Uh- "Where’s the baby?"

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

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For anyone stupid enough to watch #BenefitsBritain here’s a breakdown of the facts. http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/apr/06/welfare-britain-facts-myths …

NHS sell-out: Tories sign largest privatisation deal in history worth £780MILLION http://mirr.im/19fiFB5

Watching Superman IV . Not convinced by the science, tbh.

Looking forward to the explanation picture for #Putin‘s absence. Him, shirtless, saving downtown Tokyo from Godzilla.

#putin, barechested, holding back a tsunami

#putin wiping out ebola, eschewing protective equipment, just kicking each bug to death, bare chested.

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i have good and bad news Wife: Ok, the bad news? i didn’t clean out the garage Wife:*sigh* the good news? [holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Lot of talk about 3 Muslim girls. No one mentions the 4 radicalised white Christian kids who went abroad to fight with the rebels in Narnia.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? VEGAN: Is it because I’m a vegan? COP: What? Of course not VEGAN: I’m a vegan you know

Just bought a house with period features. Though she HATES that as a nickname.

Ed Miliband refusing to go into coalition with the SNP is a bit like that time I refused to leave my wife for Angelina Jolie.

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God knew white people would always talk shit and be problematic that’s why he didn’t givve them lips

Conservatives are complaining Girl Scouts promote Lesbianism and Abortion. Pick one, if they become lesbians they won’t need abortions.

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NEWS! Osborne’s ‘buy 300 get one free’ budget offer delights heavy drinkers

CALCULATE whether the new budget is good for you by looking at your watch. If it’s worth more than £5k, you’re ok.

Tomorrow’s headlines today Sun: Scorcher Covers Up Mail: Immigrant Triffid Horde Arriving Saturday? Express: Bit Dark Out. Diana Still Dead.

The wealth of the richest 20% has grown by 57% since 2005, whilst the poorest 20% has fallen by 46%

Eclipse from the space station

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Birds song stilled, worms aligning themselves North, sheep expressing "behold the dark’s triumph over transient light" in interpretive dance

And lo, there was daylight again. Where’s your god of atheism now, Dawkins?

REMEMBER to reset your sundial after today’s eclipse.

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Glad Cow Disease

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Top tips on avoiding rape:

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Sick of the passive aggressiveness of the self service tills at Sainsburys. "Have you swiped your Nectar card?" We both know I haven’t.

Jellyfish may *look* like cute parachutes, but drop thousands of them on a city and see who appreciates your D-Day re-enactment then

Seems a bit harsh to have taken remains of #RichardIII to Bosworth Battlefield. Bit like saying ‘And this is what you could have won…’

I always like the sound of a hung parliament. On meat hooks, preferably.

Omfg! Volunteer at CAB asked Mrs’ Pakistani mate " what are you doing to prevent your kids joining ISIS?"

Quack quack quack quack quack, Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack. #haikuforducks

Still can’t stop laughing at the fact someone accepted this as a fiver in work

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LOST A PET? Offering a reward? Use the reward money to buy a new pet and stop wasting everyone’s fucking time.

What a nice touch for the news to start with a 10 minute cuddly tour of Cameron’s house, and awkward questions like ‘aren’t you marvellous’?

I really hate the increasing use of the word "vulnerable" to describe people who are ,more truthfully, "oppressed"

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My cat is sad because some cool cats asked him if he’d "done poppers" & he said yes then realised he’d got it wrong.

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"I eat whatever I want and I don’t gain any weight…" -People who can Go Fuck Themselves

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There’s a new employee. She’s happy. Challenge accepted

After a food fight, 13 year old Florida boy shoots his 6 yr old brother dead, then turns gun on self, commits suicide

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Paxman: David Cameron, thank you. Oh, and here’s your arse. [hands Cameron his arse] #BattleForNumber10

How are they not screaming ‘Answer the fucking question, you spam-faced twat!’? Are they drugged? #AskCameron

Why is nobody in the audience asking "why are you selling our NHS to your rich friends, you despicable sack of shit?" #BattleForNumber10

Miliband: "On our membership card it says Democratic Socialist" Kay Burley: "But your name’s Ed." #BattleForNumber10

Did Kay Burley interrupt Cameron? No. She fucking curtsied. She should stop interrupting Miliband. #BattleForNumber10

Of course Kay Burley was neutral during #BattleForNumber10

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People are furious about Kay Burley and Jeremy Paxman’s bias during the #BattleForNumber10 http://ind.pn/1FR4rUK

10-year-old girl, pregnant after being repeatedly raped, denied abortion in Wisconsin

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Dad eats daughter’s weed brownies, thinks he’s had a stroke http://ind.pn/1CgV10z

This is what homophobia and bullying looks like

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Katie Hopkins might just have won election for Labour.

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If you shaved a lion and a tiger, you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart because they would have both mauled you to death.

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OWNER: The museum’s ready? ME: All the artichokes are in place OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts [I slam the door shut] ME: U cannot go in there

If you love someone, set them free and hunt them for sport. Now have them stuffed. Congrats. Now you have them forever. It was meant to be.

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(Not a fake, painting from 1500’s!)

What could go wrong?

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I, for one, welcome our new Avian overlords.

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And finally:

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