Bike update

It’s been taking ages and loads of faffing about, but I’m getting there. I finally got my mudguard from Australia, after a week’s delay as they bitchslapped me for import tax then wouldn’t deliver on Wednesday, (when Wendy’s off) and wanted an extra £12 to deliver Saturday.

Anyway, I got it. The small back light and number plate holder arrived on the same day, after taking 13 days to travel from Germany! By tortoise, presumably.

Then the was the small matter of getting the old lot off and rewiring.

It turns out, after much fannying around and endless combinations and experiments, that the new back light had one of the cables loose. The solder was crap and had snapped off. Super.

All the better as I’d started the change over after work one night, and was still struggling with it the next morning. I had to leave for work by 11.35 latest, I I got it working at 11.26. Loads of time.

While I was at it I thought I’d do a proper job on the electrics and ordered a cheap bag of male and female connectors (as opposed to the twisting wires together and taping it up approach). The ballast (thing that soaks up excess charge so LED indicators flash at proper rate instead of going like the clappers) on one of the indicators had come undone, I thought, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to do it right.

When I took the mudguard off to expose the electrics (run under the mudguard on standard bike) I found out one of the ballasts had been ripped off. The new mudguard as well as being shorter is slimmer. This means I can run the wiring invisibly up the side of the mudguard under the seat and have them all safe and sound, as well as readily accessible, sitting on top of the mudguard.

The ballasts arrived yesterday so I got cracking on doing a proper job on my lights and indicators, with proper connections, today. After a bit of messing I realised on end of the ballast is wired into the power circuit, the other has to be earthed. I got it all sorted then realised the back light dimmed in time with indicators. An MOT fail. I thought it was probably a bad earth as it wasn’t on the power circuit. Quick google confirmed it. I moved the earth and Bob is indeed your uncle.

A few weeks back I did a partial baffle-erectomy. I managed to extract the heavily muffled standard baffles from the exhaust and replace them with a bit fruitier cheap Chinese ones.

Here’s the before and after:



(Incidentally that’s before the shocks upgrade as well. A small point, but if you look at where the back light is attached by that arm to the mudguard you can see a black bundle underneath. Looks like shadow in the picture. That was a big, ugly bunch of wires. Couldn’t notice it until you looked, then couldn’t help but see it. Now all tidied away under the seat.)




Looking at that picture I notice the number plate is lightly lopsided, prob buy another one at some point. The bike is on centre stand, it doesn’t usually hover.)

Now I think I should be lowering the back end.

And here’s what it sounds like now.


I’m a happy bunny. Everything is working, lights, brake light, indicators, blue LED spotlights (on front in video) the back end is compact and tidy, the shocks do a proper job in the bends and it sounds like a proper bike, without being offend-the-neighbours-at-04.00-Saturday loud. Just got to wait for the seat and tank to be made and arrive now. This is going to be the awesomest W650 in the history of EVER!

All that’s left to do is clip on handlebars and change the air filter to cones.

Then I have to find out how to strip and repaint the engine. Poor beast had only done 18,000 miles when I got it, most all dry I think, in ten years. Now I’ve put some miles on it and rode it like a proper bike, all year round, it’s starting to flake and show wear. Just cosmetic, but a cafe racer is purely cosmetic. If you want a real race bike you have to get a 4 cylinder, slippery plastic coated, screaming revs, rocket ship.


In none bike news, what has been happening?

Well, I got my dream team for the Labour leadership, St Corbyn of the Bleeding Heart, and Tom Watson. Finally a change from Team Maggie.

Twitter has been a riot of late, firstly due to Socialists fighting with Blairites, that was a hoot. Then for the last week, with Cameron, pig-shagger.  That is the funniest thing to happen on Twitter in ages.


We are officially cat-less. Damned horrible mog was just a parasitic imposition anyway. It was a starving, manky stray that Wendy took pity on when our nice mog died. 8 bastard years it was under my feet.

Anyway, it started having fits and was in a right state. We took it to the vets and they said she’d got a huge tumour on her liver, only a matter of weeks before it interfered with her breathing. We had her put down. £96!

Ninety. Six. Of her Majesties. Pounds! 

Done now.

Wendy has been most upset but as you can see I’m bearing up.

We’ve got a new sofa and rug, still waiting for Homebase to sort their shit out and deliver another seat. Twice they’ve made appointments to deliver only to cancel and rebook. It will have been over a month if they do deliver next time.

The moggy had made a stinky mess of the furniture so this is happy times for me. Finally I have a non-smelly house and don’t have to clean up cat piss, shit and puke.

New sofa


It’s low res, so I’ve left it small.

Even thought we are supposed to be on lean times at work I still got a 6 day week last week. 4 part time jobs were advertised at work, I’ve applied but so has every man and his dog. I’ll just keep turning up until they give in and give me a job.


Wendy has been told she’s losing a day’s work per week, due to loss of government (and other) funding. She was only on a 4 day week anyway, not good. As she’s recently been upskilling to specialist benefits advisor as well as specialist debt advisor, the main boss has said if he can secure some funding he’ll give her an extra day with the benefits team.

I’m not worried. We have been too poor to buy clothes in the past, I was walking around with a safety pin in my fly because we couldn’t afford a pair of trousers. Compared to those days we are minted beyond our wildest dreams. Lorry driving really brings in the dosh, even agency. Plus there’s the whole not drinking our way through hundreds of pound of beer thing. That is such a bonus. We were drinking the cheapest shit we could find to get pissed and still spending over £100 a week on alcohol. If we drank now, with more money coming in, we would spend twice that drinking actual nice stuff. And I would be missing shifts due to hangovers, and Wendy would be dying or dead, and I’d get sacked for being pissed, and banned, and be penniless, and have to sell my bike, and push bike to a horrible graft job for a pittance. So, prob best we don’t drink.


Anywho, here’s some Twitter:


DMreporter had:

TOUCHING: Rainbow emerges from World Trade Centre on 9/11, confirming God loves America but raising concerns that he might be gay.

CAMERON: "Labour are now worse than ISIS. They will kill you and your family. Literally. You’ll all be dead. Because of Labour. For reals."

EQUALS: We accuse Jeremy Corbyn of sexism for giving women ‘shit jobs’ in his shadow cabinet. Our readers respond…

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(The DMreporter is a spoof account, incredibly those are real, approved, letters.)

DEBATE: Trade unions – corrupt, self interested bullies that Hitler would have supported, or something more sinister?

BREAKING: BBC apologises after suggesting partially deaf Tory MP could hear the screams of the poor and vulnerable in society.

READERSHIP: And the comment of the day is…

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ABATORY: David Cameron keeps a porker face despite historic sex abuse allegations that he was a member of secret Westminster group Pork PIE.

DARK MATTER: Could a substance scientists can’t prove exist cause cancer, and how theoretically scared should you be?


Politics/ Tory scum:

Cameron must be shitting bricks. Got in on 24%, the rich, the vindictive and the terminally stupid. Here come the 76%, twatty!

Corbyn vs Cameron in the ‘80s:

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Labour "threat to your family" says bloke who created 1m foodbank clients in 2014. A parcel for TWO for THREE days.

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Tories voted to start cutting tax credits at lower threshold and in harsher increments. Next up: hunting poor for sport.

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Tory councillor Mark Winn says food banks are only used by ‘those with drug, alcohol and mental health problems’

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Saint Jeremy Corbyn, gawd bless ‘im:

Corbyn blatantly trolling the snobs in suits who say hes not ‘serious’ enough by wearing this day b4 result  Love it

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Let’s give the left a voice’ they said, patronisingly. ‘Let’s open up the debate’ they said. One of the greatest days of my life. #JezWeDid

Corbyn is affable, yet passionate and serious of purpose. Like a woodwork teacher by day, Vampire Hunter by night.

All over the British Isles parents are hugging their children closer tonight as there are less than 24 hours to #CorbyGeddon Pray for us

Can I be the one to tell Tony Blair he’s no longer allowed to be a member, as he doesn’t share the aims and values of the Labour Party?

It’s as if if millions of Blairites cried out in terror but then were suddenly silenced. #labourleadership

So the Labour Party is now totally unelectable AND a threat to our security? How does that work?

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"Corbyn’s leftie agenda". Oh, you must mean the one pretty much prescribed by radical anarchists like the IMF and World Bank.

Sun front page: Corbyn wants to scrap the army! Must be waiting a few days before "Pope confirms Corbyn is the anti-christ!"

Back to the Blue Box of Despair. I hate IKEA with the same burning passion the Tories have for the poor.

As an ex soldier who’s been to war, just like to state I’m in no way offended by #Corbyn not singing anthem. Jingoism is for selling empire.

#corbyn didn’t sing anthem but wants an NHS, Minister for Mental Health, housing and benefits. *That* is how you show respect to ex soldiers

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Corbyn won’t sing queen’s anthem? Not surprised. "Scattered moose, scattered moose, can you do the fandango" what’s that even mean?


Corbyn lives in this country and pays his taxes. Newspaper owners live abroad to avoid paying theirs. Who’s patriotic and who’s not?

Jeremy Corbyn is too old to lead the country at 66? Maybe. and maybe Winston Churchill was too old at 71, during the Battle of Britain.

Corbyn plans to ‘replace army with ballerina hippos in tutus,’ claims drunk sword-swallower.

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Astonishing. 62,000 people have joined Labour since Corbyn won the leadership … that’s more members than Lib Dems/ UKI



And lovely, lovely General:

Seven paedophiles who preyed on a baby and young children jailed for acts of "terrifying depravity"

Seven paedophiles" not "white paedo grooming gang." No #notallwhites, no CofE apology.

20 Things That Women Should Stop Wearing After The Age of 30

1-20: The weight of other people’s expectations & judgments

The 1949 Delahaye Type 175 Roadster.

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(so wow!)

What rhymes with words?…………………………….. A poet.

"Whats that Lassie? Little Timmy fell down the old well and you’re too fabulous to care?!"


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I’ve come to the conclusion that at least 1 in 5 people on social media are the reason silica gel packets need to have ‘Do Not Eat’ on them.

Just opened the family door and Corbyn and his cronies ran in, barging past me and pepper-sprayed everyone. WHY didn’t I listen to David?

The Mail and Torygraph owners were so angry at Jeremy Corbyn’s insult to their patriotism they very nearly gave up their Non-Dom tax status.

Just farted so long and hard that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.

Breaking. @Daily_Express to publish evidence showing that Jeremy Corbyn was responsible for death of Princess Diana.

How does an atheist republican sing "God Save the Queen"? Asking for a friend…

Let’s play ‘guess tomorrow’s Sun headline’. I’ll go for ‘Cor Bin Laden will force your pets to join ISIS’.

Aladdin, taking up two parking spots. Asshole. 😉

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Cafe cream!

OM and indeed, G! How goddamn beautiful is that?

This is one of the best asides that I’ve ever read.

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Meanwhile, things start to heat up at the Lib Dem conference…

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Jean Bugatti with the Bugatti Royale ‘Esders’ Roadster, 1932.

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[Vulcanology conference] VULCANOLOGIST: What do you like about volcanoes? ME: [sheepishly removing Spock ears] Fire. The thick runny fire

Young UKIPer getting hysterical "He wanted the IRA to kill Thatcher!" Come on, *everybody* wanted the IRA to kill Maggie.

In Scotland. Services have a baby changing room. Cold blooded and short sighted of the Scots. The one you get back is prob as bad

PRETEND to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a fucking bag

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As much as I love Missy there are times when I look at her and can’t help but think Mary Poppins on crack #DoctorWho

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‘The Queen’s record is extraordinary. 63 years on benefits with no back-to-work interview or sanctions. Impressive!’

1) set a goal 2) make a plan 3) start working towards it 4) get distracted by social media and waste your life away

Hedge fund manager bought rights to life-saving AIDS drug, then hiked up prices by 5,000%

Pope flies into US

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When I feel like a failure I list my achievements: I never missed an episode of Babylon 5 and I’ve not yet been eaten by a tiger.

Naming it Daddy long legs represents both the misogynistic cis oppression of the patriarchy upon gender fluidity, and body shaming.

Yay! Best thing about autumn, a mouthful of juicy cox. This tweet was brought to you by the Julian Clary Apple Marketing Board.

When will this awful trend be stopped? Vegetarians posing with their fresh kills. Disgusting.

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I’ve been stood here an hour & this guinea pig hasn’t written anything. What a con.

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"This doesn’t look right to me" – Translation: We seem to be driving across a field

Ways to say "I won’t be coming" 1. I might pop down 2. I’ll give you a text 3. I’ll see how I feel 4. Sounds interesting

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so… Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

"How do you speak such good English?" "I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?"

(Modern) Triumph Thruxton. Quite bloody nice.

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#PigGate (David Cameron alleged to have shoved his dick in a dead pigs head as an initiation rite)

I know people say politicians have their noses in the trough but frankly David Cameron is taking it to the extreme #pigfucker

"Little pig, little pig, let me in."

Couple next to me on the train. One looks at her phone. Tells her bloke, "Oh my God! Apparently David Cameron fucked a dead pig!" Blissful.

"Can the Prime Minister tell us, in a time when unemploment is rising and people are relying on food banks, why he shagged a dead pig"

"I got you, Babe"

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Conservatives in my timeline have gone quiet. Corbyn didn’t sing the anthem. CAMERON PUT HIS COCK IN A PIG. It’s over people, it’s over

Twitter fails on many levels but it is definitely the social media platform of choice when news breaks that the PM once fucked a dead pig

Just when you hate twitter and everyone on it, the Prime Minister fucks a pig and it’s just like starting over. The magic is back.

And the pig that you shag with a smile is MURDER. #hameron

Also the book on how Jeremy Corbyn surged to victory in 2020 is clearly going to be a weird read.

Around now Jeremy Corbyn is reflecting on the importance of being a lifelong vegetarian

Cecil the Lion had it easy, all things considered… #Hameron #PigGate

Jeremy Corbyn at this week’s PMQs: "I have a question from Mr O McDonald…"

"And it was then that David Cameron’s controversial production of Lord Of The Flies took a grotesque and terrifying turn."

"If you’ve got a history book at home, take it out, throw it in the bin – it’s worthless"

Who’s going to break the news to Pooh bear? #Piggate

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Right Wing Twitter, last week: "That man had sex with Diane Abbott! Resign! Disgusting!" Today: "Well who hasn’t mouth-fucked a dead pig?"

"So I ask the Prime Minister, are the allegations true?" "No." "So the media is… telling porkies?" *Corbyn high-fives entire front bench*

Tories before #piggate: "If we have gay marriage, what stops men marrying dogs?" Tories after #piggate: "Who hasn’t fucked a pig before?"

Last week I was so pleased that Corbyn had managed to raise the tone on PMQs. This week all I want is oinking from Labour benches.

Best part of #Snoutrage is watching Tory commentators argue that shagging a dead pig is perfectly normal behaviour

Self-Censorship on #r4today as for the first tome in history The Daily Mail is not mentioned during the morning papers review…wonder why?

Today’s one of those days when you learn *exactly* what time your friends check twitter in the morning

I mean no, the Mail’s not a reliable source of accurate info. We should take it with a pinch of salt. And sage. At 170C for 3hrs. #piggate

Yeah, but just imagine what he would have done to the pig with no Lib Dems to restrain him. #baeofpigs #piggate

NEWS! ‘At least our guy didn’t face-fuck a dead pig’ insists Labour

‘Well, that’s the Muslim vote gone. Nice one Dave.‘ #piggate

The Tories have been caught with their toffs in the snout.

"That Jeremy Corbyn is such a weirdo, with his beard & belief in social justice", if you say so David, but can I just say "OINK!" #PigGate

My timeline has been a stream of gold for 12 hours. Gawd bless Dave and his porcine porking predilection. #baeofpigs #piggate #pigsociety

And that ‘Piggate’ day, kids, was the last time anyone tried to mess with the Almighty Emperor Corbyn.

Good day to bury bad news. Dave could murder the royal family today and no-one would notice. #baeofpigs #piggate

Oh god, Cameron is meeting the Danish PM today. Thank you for all of this, Jesus.

To all the Tories bleating about unverified, single source, sensationalistic gutter ‘journalism’, welcome to our world the other 364 days.

For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens ‘if you fuck a pig, we will leave you alone’.

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Possibly the best Mirror poll I have ever seen. #piggate

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David Cameron is now taking food from the mouths of babes to distract from sticking his cock in the mouth of Babe

Toby Young: "If anything, it reflects quite well on the Prime Minister". Ladies and gentlemen, spin is dead

Some pigs are born great, some pigs achieve greatness, and some pigs have greatness thrust into them. #piggate

I predict Cameron will resign within six months for another reason that isn’t #piggate but it totally will be #piggate

The BBC can continue to refer to ‘left winger Jeremy Corbyn’ as long as they also now refer to ‘the notorious pig fucker David Cameron’.


"Corbyn’s an economic disaster"

"You penetrated a pig"

"He didn’t sing the anthem.."

"Penetrated a pig"

"But…the unions"

"Penetrated. Pig"


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a woman on a crowded train just asked if she could have a seat because she "just found out David Cameron fucked a pig and needed a sit down"

I just had to explain #Piggate to my Indian mother in law, in case you’re wondering how awkward a Monday night can get.

More victims come forward in #PigGate scandal.

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"Sorry David, I can’t hear you very well… is there some crackling on your end?"

No pigs are harmed in the making of our Smoky Bacon or Sausage & Tomato crisps

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"Perhaps the tory membership is so low because people are scared there’d be an initiation ceremony"

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David Cameron there, trying to look all Prime Ministerial at the UN, whilst also knowing that everyone knows about the pig.

And finally, you must watch this. A few seconds of pure hilarity. (with the sound on.)