Category: Life

Another year (nearly) over a new one just begun (in a bit.)

And so this is Winterval, and it’s bugger all fun.

Hmm, I’m obviously wasting my time not working for Hallmark cards.

Anywho, not been blogging ‘cos nothing has been happening.

After the tentative proposition about a possible job nothing further has been said. I think that’s because at then minute they are rushed off their feet and need me to keep doing what I’m doing. I don’t think it’s any reflection on that bump I had.

Instead of just disciplining you they show you videos and do a talk on how to avoid further accidents. Better policy all round. The work has been constant. 5 days one week, usually 6 the next. The shifts are alright, Sun-Thurs usually 11.30 or 13.30 start, before midnight getting home. People are beginning to get on my tits. Not the ones I work with, the other road users. I have to travel around the Manchester ring road (M60) and over the M62 each day. They are upgrading it to smart motorway so a long stretch of it is 50mph average speed cameras. The amount of muppets I have to avoid killing daily is a real drag. It’s starting to get me down. I am having to remind myself what a cushy number I’m on compared to,say, the army, or order picking in –28 C.

Talking of which, I was watching a documentary on Sci-fi the other day (Tomorrow’s Worlds, it’s a series, very good.) and the theme was time travel. It seems I completely missed the underlying philosophical premise of Groundhog Day. It was the same day. Yes, I know. But at the beginning he went through it pissed off and pissing everyone else (my preferred M.O.) but at the end he was happy and he made everyone else happy. It was the same series of events, it was how he chose to react to them that made the difference.

I vaguely remember a Buddhist text saying that happiness cannot be found externally. Which makes a silly bit of  whimsy quite a profound film.

In short, I’m trying to turn that frown upside down.

 

One thing that tested that maxim for Wendy was the boiler breaking down. It suddenly stopped on Friday morning, just as we’d gone into a really cold spell. I rang them, they said they’d be here in 24 hours. Wendy waited all day Saturday, no-one came. Called again. Sunday morning the guy turned up, grumpy and surly, obviously gutted that he’d been made to work on a Sunday. Not my problem,  pal, it’s your job. “CPU’s broke. Common problem.” Oh good, can you fix it then? “Not got the part I’ll let the office know tomorrow.”

I rang on Monday. Nothing, maybe this afternoon. Wendy rang in the afternoon, fix it tomorrow. Wendy took the day off work to wait in. Nothing. Rang again. Got the wrong part. Thursday.

All of this time it was freezing cold. We haven’t got a front room fire so we were leaving the gas cooker on in the kitchen. No hot water for showers so we were having to heat loads of pans of water and have 2” baths. No radiators to dry the clothes so bare minimum of washing. Cold shaves. Freezing cold upstairs.

Wendy had to take Thursday off. I was getting ready for work as it happens when the guy came around. Changed the CPU over, still broken. There are two parts to the CPU, front and back. He’d been sent, and replaced, the front. It was the back that was broken.

He was very helpful, not like the first git, so he got on his computer, tracked down the right part and ordered it himself there and then. He came around on Friday morning, his first call of the day at about 08.30, and fixed it.

Poor ol’ Wendy was frozen like a lollipop. No meat on her bones, she just grazes and hardly ever eats a hot meal so she was perished. I was out in my nice warm truck, then troughing and getting in bed so it wasn’t that bad for me.

So that was grim. Makes you feel for all the destitute though. All the working poor who can’t afford heating. The foodbanks are having to prepare cold food parcels for desperate people because they have no means to heat food. In the sixth richest nation on Earth. Where “Money is no problem” if you are a millionaire and your house gets flooded. But if you’re working on a zero hours contract you have to die quietly to reduce the surplus population.

They were totting it up, and it works out people subsisting on minimum wage and tax credits (which is to say, the tax payer paying their wages to subsidise millionaire business owners) are in effect paying a minimum of 60% of their money in taxes. The actual millionaires had to have their 45% tax cut to 40% because they had no incentive to work. *spits*

Sorry. That came out of nowhere. Just venting my rage. And the fucking quisling Judas bastard LibDems who six months ago said the bedroom tax was unfair and should be scrapped voted in favour of keeping it last week. The Mansion Tax is too much like hard work to try to enforce, who has a house over 2 million pounds etc, and is “unfair” but working out which disabled person or minimum wage zero hours contractor has one bedroom they only keep their oxygen tent in is a piece of piss and is perfectly reasonable.

I swear to god, when the revolution comes I’ll be volunteering to put the bastards to the wall. With a song in my heart and joy in my job.

Hmm, best get back on track before Big Brother disappears me.

 

My bike is still a thing of beauty to behold and a joy to ride. So that’s nice. It was making a blowing sound, and starting to backfire. I checked the exhaust all over, no major leaks, then I checked the bolts holding the manifold on, they were loose enough to tighten with my fingers! That’ll be why then. Just checked, it is the manifold. *awards self extra man points* Rebalanced the carbs while I was messing and fitted engine crash bars (to protect the engine from damage when you crash, obvs) They’ve made it slightly less pretty but tis the season to be worried about ice and snow. Personally I consider myself a truly year-round crasher, but ice and snow really help.

 

I’ve not done any runs for the last two weeks, due to the boiler being buggered for one of them, and early starts all week this week. 11.30 all week. Until 21.00- 23.30. No time to run before or after. Still, off a bit next week.

That’s the limit of my doings. Lot of work, some dicking about with the bike, trials and tribulations with the heating.

So cut the crap and get on to Twitter. Your word is my command.

 

The DMreporter had:

CENSORSHIP: Politicians accused of ‘sneering at the white van driver’ after banning strangulation, urination and sado-masochism from porn.

WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Fury as Lidl continue to sell reindeer meat despite our 5yr campaign to ‘expose’ them.

TV: ‘Farage clearly named the ethnic groups destroying Britain while Brand just waffled about a mythical blame culture’ – we review #BBCQT.

CELEBRITY: Mel B whores her children out to promote #XFactor in bid to prove she’s not an unimaginably desperate person. It doesn’t work.

EXCLUSIVE: We proudly boast of having the ‘first picture’ of a dead baby girl because, honestly, our editorial staff are sociopaths.

 

In Politics/ Tory Scum we had:

According to UKIP the Tories have sunk to a "new low" by calling Tim Aker by his real name. Which happens to be Turkish. Because he is.

2 Lords a-leeching, 10 plebs a-rioting, FIVE. PAEDO. RINGS. A Tory Christmas

Good grief “@UKIPCheltenham: @gawdonbennet @Jaffa64729021 It’s about our women who throw themselves at African men unknowingly”

Please disabuse yourself of the notion that individual women have ever been ‘yours’

"OUR WOMEN" can you provide a receipt for these women?

OMG, after being made Ukrainian citizen today, former US State Dept official takes reigns at Ukraine’s Ministry of Finance. Coup much?

I hope The Sun will soon establish for us the exact income level at which it is permissible to discuss inequality.

Ukip anger as Nigel Farage on church mural with Adolf Hitler, Oswald Mosley and Nick Griffin

The top 1 000 have more than doubled their wealth since banking crash, bankers bonuses continue unabated

Richest tory MP’S slams welfare state but makes £625k a yr in housing benefit

UKIP is the homeopathy of politics. Utterly baffling to sensible people, and harmful because is seems to present a solution.

 

Garner is unarmed. The chokehold is banned. The coroner ruled it a homicide. It is on video. None of this matters #ICantBreathe #EricGarner

#EricGarner Reminder: White cop IMMEDIATELY FIRED after photos show him choking white student

Clear message sent by #NYPD: cop kills unarmed #EricGarner, no charges. Man films cop killing Eric, charged & arrested. #Priorities

Shot 72 people and killed 12 in a movie theatre and was subdued and arrested unharmed.  #CrimingWhileWhite

Looks like cameras aren’t gonna do much. Let’s try outfitting cop uniforms with non racist cops.

 

‘Poor’ #Farage finds it hard to get by on £109k/yr plus expenses. In his £540k ‘little house’

Real story from #AutumnStatement is we’re not even half way through Osborne’s spending cuts yet. 60% of cuts to come

£300 a day tax-free Tory crony unelected lawmaker: "Poor people use food banks because they ‘don’t know how to cook"

Tory Baroness who slammed food banks is on Lords committee that spent £250k on Champagne http://mirr.im/12EbRsv

"Poor people don’t know how to cook" – who’s been cooking for your family for the last 100 yrs? You chinless shit-house #baronessjenkin

Labour poll 36%, lead up to 3% Tory toff says let them eat gruel UKIP imploding LibDems (who?) All in all another bad day for Ed Miliband

people on benefits shouldn’t be allowed to have so many children if they can’t afford to keep them ” #skypapers

"These men (CIA) were patriots," says George W. Bush. Shame he wasn’t around in 1945. We’d have had no need for all that Nuremberg murlarky.

Yes we executed Japanese soldiers for waterboarding Americans during World War II, but it’s totally different – they were Japanese.

Privatisation makes life more expensive. So why are the tories selling off our NHS?

When you hear that there are no mental health beds in the UK remember that is AFTER ALL THE PRIVATE BEDS HAVE BEEN PAID FOR BY THE NHS.

Here’s an excellent image of a State-funded #foodbank. It CAN be done!!

Any worker thinking of voting Tory. This is a foodbank parcel for TWO people for THREE days. Think again. ”

Farage blames shortage of GPs on immigrants – who supply 26% of our doctors #bbcqt

#LooksabitUKIP

 

 

And loveliest of lovely, General:

That "UK’s most popular baby name is Mohammed" story is based on users of one website. Official ONS baby names:

Just opened my Richard Dawkins advent calendar. No choc, just the words "THERE IS NO GOD YOU INTELLECTUAL PYGMY". Only 23 windows to go

Other top boys’ names:

3. Al-Baghdadi

4. NotAllMen

5. Jihadi John

6. Gove

7. MH370

8. Yewtree 9.

Putin

10. A Disaster For Ed Miliband

 

2014 Reindeer Names

-Twerker

-Vine Star

-Gamergate

-NotAllReindeer

-Selfie

-Benghazi

-Updog

-Jaden

 

PRISON TATTOO TIP: Certain symbols will help you join a gang, but getting a full body tattoo of a prison guard uniform can be very useful.

Obligatory reminder that Rosa Parks was a trained activist and the common myth that she was "just tired" exists to rob her of agency & power

“What day is it?" asked Pooh. "It’s today" squeaked Piglet. "My favorite day" said Pooh

NEWS! Daily Mail’s homeopathy supporters urged to try Ebola treatment on themselves http://bit.ly/12kw9HB

 

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

 

My favourite thing about Scooby-Doo is that supernatural events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog.

"Pornography is the canary in the coalmine of free speech: it is the first freedom to die…"

I love the little Christmas traditions we have as a family. Like the one where I sob "MUMMY’S DOING HER FUCKING BEST" into a pint of Bells.

Whole community being evicted by predatory landlords. You edit The Sun. Do you a. Attack landlords or b. Attack someone trying to stop it?

Looks like next year’s Booker Prize is going to be a shoe-in

Q: See, it looks like a micro pig. Bond: Right. Q: But, and this is the clever part, it’s just a piglet. Bond: Amazing. I’ll have four.

My cat is sad because life has given him many, many lemons & he cannot use them to make lemonade because he is a cat.

Haves and have-nots in one picture.

 

Baroque Obama.

Homesick lorry 🙁

AVOID crying when chopping onions by imagining George Osborne on fire.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in. See if that works.

If US Govt keeps having to say: "this can’t be disclosed or it’ll make people violent toward us," shouldn’t that cause some self-reflection?

Now how am I going to get home?

US suspected FBI mole helped IRA plot to assassinate Margaret Thatcher – docs released after @GuardianUS FOI request http://gu.com/p/442c2/stw <<But before we raise the stars and stripes the bastards failed, don’t forget.

Unsure where to take your break in an artic? Double park alongside a row of parked cars. Sorted. # dickhead

(Truck with hazard lights on was parked up, driver eating his butties!)

I like to show my eloquence on twitter. I’ve always been articulate as fuck.

I can almost always tell if a move doesn’t use real dinosaurs

ENSURE your child understands the value of debating evolutionary theory by shouting "LIES!" & "PROVE IT!" during their nativity play.

New Norton. Want. £20k. Maybe not that badly.

This is Margaret Hamilton, NASA lead software engineer, and this is the Apollo guidance program she wrote.

There is absolutely no reason for me to treat amoral torture supporters with respect. Don’t ask me to do so. You’re vile scum.

Can you all remember over the years, where Electricity and Gas was based on the price of Oil, great news expect your bills to fall by 40%

Only elected politicians can have influence or opinions on politics. @rupertmurdoch for example is an impartial bystander.

Wondering which coat goes with: "This weekend will be dry and bright, with colder spells, residual Weather Bomb and chances of drizzle"

"Kim Kardashian: My Pregnancy Weight Was a Punishment from God." No, Kim. Your existence is.

According to Fox News, waterboarding people is OK, but giving them health insurance is inhumane.

“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.” – Henry Ford

What’s in a name? Here’s how two mass shooters are described in news headlines right now. #SydneySiege #Pennsburg

.@UKIP secures control of £1.5m in EU funds set aside for parties promoting Europe integration http://bbc.in/1uPfzHM

 

I’m not going to kill anyone today" you say. Then you’re beset by fuckwits on M62. The road to Hull is paved with good intentions.

Kids killed in school in Pakistan: the culture of that country is savage Kids killed in school in America: this was the work of one monster

Nigel Farage dismisses claims that he is over-exposed on UK TV, during Blue Peter interview.

Journalists & a room of freebies it’s like a t-rex on a goat.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Bloody foreigners, coming over here, caring for our sick and elderly and saving lives.

"What’s that? You’re a ‘foreign’ nurse? Oh I think I’ll just sit here bleeding until a ‘British’ one is free," said nobody. Ever.

This quote really keeps haunting me. "We live in capitalism, its power seems inescapable – but then, so did the divine right of kings.” –ULG

 

 

This is Grumpy Cat’s ugly, less successful brother. Look at him. He has no notable features. Waste of our time.

Six years of Obama: healthcare, gay marriage, marijuana legalization, and opening up Cuba all happened. Bush: 9/11, war, torture, Nickleback

Nothing says ‘Christmas’ like the queue waiting for Cash Converters to open…

Ah, the pawn shop. Dickens would feel right at home. Rickets, dodgy facial hair, and crushing poverty. #cameronmustgo #cameronout

Look everyone – tribbles!

Anonymous threats by hackers against women: "grow thicker skin!" Anonymous threats by hackers against movie studios: "CODE RED! CODE RED"

if you’re outraged by north korea’s attacks on sony wait until you find out about that time north korea murdered it’s citizens for decades

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and one billion dollars.

Kids "dad one day can we have a big house like Kate + William" Dad "We can barely afford theirs let alone one for us"

Heartwarming: Rupert Harrison, George Osborne’s chief adviser, gets an18% pay rise. Well, imposing a public sector pay freeze needs a reward

Rage. Rage. Against the jingling of the bells.

Conservatives set out plans to ‘ignore’ European human rights rulings, Just like that nice man Mr Hitler did #votetory

Police taser chocolate-crazed monkey that had been on the run for 2 weeks (he’s fine btw)

This picture leaves little to the imagination

Just had to remind Mr B that he was close to tears last night as he thought he’d let the cat down by being drunk

Entering the fruit and veg isle of the supermarket at Christmas is like entering the hunger games

When you accidentally eat your house keys because they fell inside your sandwich.

Later,

Buck.

Work has been eventful. After them saying there were jobs in the offing I asked about and the consensus is that there is plenty of work, not just the 3 days minimum, and that leads on to 5 day contracts. So at the very least it’s a foot in the door.

Splendid. All positive and peachy.

Then I had a bastard bump. The same place I had to reverse in to on my assessment, in the corner of the yard, past a skip. This time to add to the degree of difficulty it was night time, in the rain, and there was a trailer sticking out even further than the skip. I reversed tight in on my blindside, having to rely on my mirror. I didn’t see the black lip of the trailer sticking out an extra inch. Clipped it with my trailer.

There was bugger all damage, slight scrape on my trailer, nothing on the lip of the one I hit, but because it was empty, and I caught it at it’s furthest point, it span the trailer around a bit.

The trailer was parked up against the triangular stops, so one wheel mounted the stop. This meant I couldn’t drive under the trailer and pick it up, the 5th wheel wouldn’t engage with the pin because it was at an angle. I was crapping myself. I’d already admitted my fault to the manager, who was going to to try and cover it up as no damage was done, but security got in on it and were going to bubble me so we had to make it official.

Anyway, in the end I had to reverse under the trailer from the side to which it had turned, pick it up a bit, and reverse/ push it back around. I was shitting bricks because it was at a bad angle and I thought it was going to fall over, and the manager kept disappearing from view so I was worried it was going to land on him and kill him. Bad enough getting sacked without killing the guy who was trying to cover up for me.

That was an official warning. Balls.

The next day I went to pick up a load as usual, got given my paperwork, all normal. It was for trailer TD308, which is to say TearDrop (shaped) 308. The only one of that designation in the fleet. I picked it up, did all my checks, then drove it back to Warrington. I was about to go home when a warehouse guy said “why’ve you brought the Bristol trailer?” He showed me the paperwork off the load, TD308, Bristol. I showed him the paperwork I’d been given, TD308, Warrington.

Not my fault, some arse in the warehouse had ballsed up, big time. But I didn’t check the load, so it was my fault. Everything is always the driver’s fault. Everything. Always.

It’s never happened to me before. The Warrington warehouse guy had never know it to happen either. It just doesn’t happen. But it did. To me. The day after my bump. *facekeyboard*

Everyone’s been really good about it. They all say it’s not buggered up my chances. But it can’t have helped them.

Soldier on. The latter is not something I will *ever* do again.

 

I’ve had some fun with Lloyds as well. My accountants said I needed a business account and suggested them. Seems any repayments owed to me by HMRC will be paid to Buck the Truck Haulage Ltd, not to me, so I won’t be able to cash them in my personal bank account. Also, there is some legal requirement, I forget the details. I went down last week and set up this business account. No worries. Today I got paid into it. Then I realised they’ve not sent me the link to online banking they said they would, or a cash card. I went online to set up my online banking myself. I filled all the forms, then it said print off (which it wouldn’t do, for some reason). So they are posting me the agreement snailmail, I have to sign it and snailmail it back. *Then* I can get at my money.

Super.

If push comes to shove I’ll go to town with some I.D. and try to make a cash withdrawal.

Like a fecking caveman.

Bastards.

When I can get at the money we’ll be able to make a first proper payment off the bike/card. I had two months of crap money due to emergency tax, then we had to pay the bank off. Finally in a position to start paying more than interest on the card. Knowing the tax man will eventually give me a rebate is little comfort in the face of £100 a month minimum payment on the card, bugger all getting paid off.

Should be able to bang a grand off it this month. Then one more month of good wages, in which we incur the xmas expense, then the uncertainty of January… 

Still, pay what we can, while we can.

 

In other news, our broadband upgrade is the bollocks!

On our copper line whenever I downloaded something, pitifully slowly, that buggered it up for everything else. We had to choose between me downloading and Wendy watching catch-up internet telly. No googling on the ‘phones or tablet, Twitter buggered… You get the picture. It was slow and a download stopped everything else from happening.

Doing multiple downloads the other day, 7.1 Mb/s (nearly 20 times faster than previous maximum), using the internet, and Wendy watching telly without a glitch.  Super.

Other internetty news; I got myself a new VPN (Virtual Privacy Network). It’s a proxy thing so all your information goes through them, supposedly anonymising you on the ‘net. My old one was running out and I read about this new one, started by hackers and supposed to be really good.

I got it. Then I had to set it up.

They seemed to assume a base knowledge greater than that of a chimp. That was their first mistake. I spent three days trying to forward a port and beat the security on my BT homehub. Plus try to work out how to work their bloody service. Turns out you have to download their stuff and then it’s just a matter of pressing ‘start’. I was trying to operate it from their website. After three days I gave up and sent them an email saying ‘this is way over my head, can I have a refund’. Then I tried again and failed. It was getting late and Wendy was moaning about the noise so I gave up. In bed I had another idea. First thing in the morning I did it! Set up the VPN, forwarded the port, configured the client! I went to work smug and self satisfied in my techie genius. I got home that night and started it up only to find they’d cancelled my service due to my email!

Oh how we laughed.

After a hastily dispatched retraction they reconnected me. That was harrowing. Stephen Speilberg should probably make a film about it.

I also solved another major tech problem this week. We have crap mobile coverage around here so we always have trouble sending texts. Wendy then found she couldn’t send them from work or the bus either. The chaps at here works couldn’t suss it from the settings so I was left with problem. Luckily my techie genius quickly deduced there was no credit on the bloody ‘phone. It seems, rather than a remarkable frugal use of my old ‘phone (one tenner lasting months), the damned thing was linked to my credit card so auto-topped up. It wasn’t until I got a new card (so it couldn’t) that we found out. I must be the perfect customer, ‘phone bill wildly varying, never checked it out.

We have a workaround now for the text sending issue; Whatsap. It’s a free app that (I’m guessing) works over wifi rather than the mobile network. Either way it sends and receives instantly, even around here. And I’ve got Wendy an better ‘phone on contract seems we were paying out monthly anyway.

Oh, and I finally broke into the world of virtual currency by buying some Bitcoin.

0.01 bitcoin. That’s about £2.30 to all you luddities with your physical currency. Quake with fear bankers!

 

 

Enough of the tech drivel, what of Twitter?

 

Well, as ever we lead with the DMreporter:

SCIENCE: Japan ‘could be destroyed by a volcanic eruption within a hundred years’ warn experts. Vote UKIP to stop the refugees coming here.

TOP IMMIGRANT MOTIVATIONS FOR COMING TO THE UK: 1) Free benefits 2) BBC iPlayer 3) ‘To vote Labour’ 4) White women 5) Wind farm subsidies.

FURY: Mother furious after ten year old son accidentally adopts a family of Polish immigrants using in-app purchases in Angry Birds.

BY-ELECTION: UKIP set to win Strood seat using Tory MP who changed the colour of his tie to save his job. Viva la revolucion!

SCANDAL: BBC accused of being ‘worse than Amazon or Hitler’ after it emerged the non-profit making corporation pays no tax on its profits.

REVEALED: Some people think our policemen shouldn’t be armed. Inside, we expose them and ask ‘how would YOU like to be beheaded?’

 

 

In Politics/Tory scum we had:

Disabled man, benefits stopped, unable to get to food bank, jailed for stealing food worth £12.60: http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/local/darlington/11552200.Sanctioned_man_who_stole_to_eat_is_jailed …

Our "moderate" Saudi Arabia allies just sentenced three lawyers to jail for tweets "criticizing the justice system" http://www.buzzfeed.com/hayesbrown/saudi-lawyers-sentenced-to-eight-years-behind-bars-for-tweet …

EAT HIM! EAT HIM!! #NHS

Ukip’s Roger Helmer, who said gays undermine marriage, to divorce after visiting "massage parlour". Damn those gays.

 

#UKIP voter "they will let the ‘good foreigners’ in and turn the ‘bad’ ones away" this was me #embarrassing

Here’s how many MPs debated the living wage in Parliament yesterday

 

 

And of course, the best till last, General:

 

Life is too short to be holding on to old grudges

Laziness level: Expert.

Facebook mum and Twitter mum. Half term holiday plan.

Victoria Beckham – ‘a better businesswoman than she was a singer’ BBC News – she could be running a whelk stall and that would be true

BOOK FACT: Cheetahs can type faster than any other land animal but, sadly, their works are often poorly plotted and/or emotionally naive.

Someone left the labelling gun unattended in Tesco!!!!!

She walked up me and she asked me to dance, I asked her her name and in a hemorrhagic viral fevery voice she said Ebola. E-B-O-L-A Ebola.

How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in

My cat is sad because he just overheard one of these hens call him "that weird sad goth cat people tend to avoid".

Hilarious tweet from US racist "Muslims saying US founders were racist!" The ethnically cleansing, genocidal, black slave owning founders.

According to the media, this is what a cyber-thief looks like.

Cashier: ‘£1.49 please.’ Me: *hands over £20* Cashier: ‘Have you got anything smaller?’ Me: *hands over matchbox containing tiny beetle*

Death by irony.

#KANSAS: Plane crashes into Flight Safety building

Legalising pot is like gay marriage.. Impossible & then suddenly inevitable & then you can’t believe we waited so long

Christian extremist decapitates 19-year-old student, accusing him of "witchcraft." Media says religion is not related

Woman banned from driving for 2 years for towing man in wheelchair around car park

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, MASKS FIRMLY IN PLACE, MASKS FORMING ASPECTS OF THE NEVER, EACH MASK WRITHING EACH INTO THE NEXT, AND THE NEXT

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, WAITING BEFORE THE NINE TREES OF TORMENT, THROATS BLEEDING, CROONING ABYSSAL HYMNS OF HARVEST, DARK FRUIT RIPENING

Introducing the Angela Merkel emoticon

Despicable: Today Egyptian court sentenced 8 men to 3 yrs in prison for attending gay wedding

Rory went as Van Gogh last night. No filter. Phenomenal effort.

This ‘Before & After’ picture of a Meth addict is shocking.

Almost 80% of the males born in the Soviet Union in 1923 did not survive World War II

Day two of #Movember…

If Bill Gates spent $1M a day it would take him 218 years to spend all his money

If I was incapable of running a train service between London and Glasgow, I’d probably branch out into something simpler like space travel

Probably won’t buy this for my niece at Christmas…

Just ate a whole 9" pizza to myself. I used to only be able to eat 7". Next time I’m going to try for 18". #YesWeCan

Thinking ahead to Christmas, tonight is ideal opportunity to burn the spare chairs and guest bed.

When life hands you lemmings, make LemmingAid, a charity for displaced lemmings.

LURE hedgehogs out from under your bonfire by leaving hundreds of gold rings in your garden.

First they came for those with £2m houses and I did nothing, mainly because it seemed entirely reasonable.

I was into the John Lewis Christmas ads before they went all commercial

School students should be sent home if their hair colour is unnatural, says 65-year-old blonde: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-29929566 …

It’s easy to think Penguins are cute, but what are the real facts?

 

 

I love Manchester. This is how we do police posters about the dangers of rape

Actual Daily Mail rape apologist:

 

How to start an essay:

People who think girls don’t like sex are crazy. Every time a girl has a 1 night stand her love of sex outweighs her possibly being MURDERED

AND FINALLY;

WATCH: Clingy baby pandas adorably gang up on human, do not want medicine, nope http://boingboing.net/2014/11/07/watch-clingy-baby-pandas-ador.html …

Later,

Buck.

How many times do I have to make the same mistake before I learn?

I was Windows shopping (you see what I did there?) bike paraphernalia as usual when I came across some handsome bike boots. There were a few different styles but after a little digging it turns out they are all (hand) made by the same company in the US, ‘Gasolina’.

I mean, just look at these for boots!

I was wowed by them and immediately started pricing them up. The clue to the price is in the ‘hand made’. £239!

Gutted.

So I did the usual thing; started looking for generic ones, then second hand ones, then searching eBay. eBay suggests other boots so I ended up looking at these, at midnight, and made a snap decision to bid on them.

I had been looking at boots over £200 and there were already about 10 bids on them at about £15. I stupidly put in my maximum bid with days to go. £60.66.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The seller, I’m assuming, colluded with a mate and pushed it up to the penny of my final bid then no-one bid for days. Then I got them and don’t like them in the flesh.

Gutted and angry with myself.

 

To redeem myself I was looking at some leather jeans for on the bike, the cheapest new pair I could find were £70. They were the thick leather ones, which I thought I would have been happy with. Then I saw a pair of leather trousers, bit of padding on the knees and stretchy bits built in so you can sit comfortably, again going for about £15, lots of bids. This time I set up bid sniper to put my maximum bid in 5 seconds before it ended. I got them for £27! Woo-hoo!

When I tried them on they are loads better than I could have hoped for. Thick but soft leather, padding around the knees, perfect size and length… chuffed to bits!

They don’t look it but they are ace, especially for the money.

As the motorbike boots didn’t work out for me, and I wasn’t about to spend £239 on a pair of boots, I took to eBay again. I did buy a pair of German army Para boots ages back but they were crap. Wrong size, two big cuts on one of the boots, clarted in dubbin and, I’ve found out now I’ve listed them on eBay, they aren’t even German army para boots, they are Austrian army boots.

Why I didn’t send they back immediately I have no idea. I bought them last year, but I wasn’t drinking or on drugs so why I didn’t send them back with a *CAPS LOCK RAGE* email is beyond me.

Anywho, after a prospective buyer filled me in I made damn sure I knew what I was buying this time. And what a bargain. £40 for grade 1, genuine German army para boots.

I’m ready for Mr Smiths night club!

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle…

Bad to the bone…

In a way these are negative purchases, I’m buying them hoping not to use them. But if I do go bouncing down the road I’m as safe as I can be. 

Saying that, the boots are really comfy and just make me feel better about myself, I grew up (teens onwards) with boots, it just feels right to be back in them. Trainers are comfy and easy to slip on and off, but boots are boots.

And the trousers will make riding a lot more pleasant even if I don’t crash.

Thing is with this kind of kit, if I don’t destruct test them (in which case they will immediately have proved their worth) once bought it lasts for years and years.

As I said, I listed the crap boots and the bike boots. £10 and £20 respectively, not a sausage. eBay relist it twice more for free, if they don’t sell I’ll wait until spring until all the fair weather bikers come out of the woodwork and try again.

I just want them gone. They are winding me up by reminding me I’ve been had.

In other acquisition-of-worldly-goods-equals-spiritual-fulfilment news, after that Labour guy handing out the leaflet informing us they have sorted out the crap broadband problem in our area I instantly upgraded with BT to Infinity. I’ve gone from nearly 3Mb/s to 77-79Mb/S!

Fast.

Now I have to decide with which of the insufferable pricks on the BT advert I identify.

Even more spiffy acquisition news, I found out about ‘chromecast’, it’s a £30 dongle that you can slap in the back of your telly and it will stream stuff through/ from your devices (my ‘phone, Wendy’s tablet). The smart telly and DVD are both Sony, but they are a few years old now, the BBCi player no longer supports them. This is a cunning work-around. Go on to BBCi, YouTube, (or any films or shows you’ve downloaded to your device off the internet) press play and bob’s your uncle, they stream off your wifi onto the telly. Also, with out BT package we get free sports channels on the internet (mostly crap, football and such, but they also exclusively cover the MotoGP bike races.) When we got it we couldn’t get it on our telly because we had crap broadband speed so I assumed we’d be able to watch them now we’ve upgraded to cable. Nope, £7 a month subscription for a de-scrambler. To watch one race every few weeks. Screw that. With the new dongle we can stream the internet through the telly, therefore watching internet sports channels (free) on the telly (subscription). #winning

The stuff we watch off the internet we can now view full size on the telly, on our comfy sofa, rather than on office chairs in front of the PC.

 

In ‘paying-for-all-this-shit’ news, work is coming good. This new gig, now I’m back to being a limited company, it paying well and regularly. I’ve put some hours in the last two weeks but for a 5 and a 6 day week I’ve taken home £537 and £557. This week I barely did any hours, most of my shifts were well within 8 hours, but I get paid 8 hours as a minimum for turning up. I’ll see what a flat week looks like on Friday.

I’ve been there 4 or 5 weeks now, on Friday the main manager took me to one side and said they want to start training me up for store deliveries so I’ll be ideally trained and placed for a (potential) job in January. It’s only a 3 day contract with 2 flexi days. So during the quiet period I might only get the basic 3 days. And it’s less per hour and I’ll be stopped more in N.I. and tax. So less all round. But a real job. With a good company. And holiday and sick pay. And a Next discount card. Meal allowance and uniform.

I’m doing the training and I’ll have a look when the job comes up. At least I’ll be in a position to choose, I can’t if I’m not trained. The guy who was saying about it has been really straight with me so I believe him.

We’ll see.  It would be nice to have the option of a proper job.

Another day, more lack of interest in my boots. Meh.

 

Anywho, on to fun stuff, the wonderful world of Twitter:

 

DMreporter had

JUSTICE: Is Ebola the answer to overcrowding in jails? We investigate why political correctness is banning this revolutionary idea.

HEALTH: Ebola checks at Heathrow blasted as ‘a complete joke’ after we photograph several black people who say they weren’t screened.

DEFENDER OF THE UNION: Local man buys field over concerns Muslims could move into village, grow old, die and expect to be buried there.

SHAME: "I’m not a rapist" says Ched Evans, before being read the definition of a rapist and admitting "actually that does sounds familiar."

RIP: Oscar de la Renta dies aged 82, tragically just one day after ‘being alive’ says spokesman.

UKIP CALYPSO: "I’m not racist" insists Mike Read, apologising for the racist song he sang in a racist voice in support of a racist party.

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

Good luck to all our nurses today having to go out on strike whilst MPs give themselves an 11% payrise

Three years without a pay rise for our NHS staff is unacceptable. Support the #NHSstrike

Can’t afford 1% pay rise over 3 years for #nurses but bankers houses get damp; "we are a rich country, money is no object."

Bloody unions. Bringing the country to its knees with their looking after the sick and changing bedpans and preparing to deal with Ebola.

Cameron: ‘I don’t need lectures from anyone about looking after disabled people’. #PMQs Well the UN Human Rights Commission think you do.

"We cannot have people loafing about, doing nothing, expecting the state to finance their lifestyles." Lord Freud

Only 4% of US drone victims in Pakistan ID’d as Qaeda

Tories considering restricting annual amount of state handouts to any one family to £18k. Apart from one

Spoof David Cameron tweet: I answer only to the people of this country. No, not you. The other people. You know, the ones with the money.

The Child Abuse Inquiry terms of reference have been changed to ignore Jersey. Now why would that be? #pmqs

David Cameron Jeremy Hunt deny/lie NHS is being privatised..Branson Virgin boasting about 230 NHS contracts

A man who stole to eat because he was sanctioned is jailed. Welcome to Cameron’s Britain everyone. http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/local/darlington/11552200.Sanctioned_man_who_stole_to_eat_is_jailed/?ref=twtrec …

 

 

And finally, lovely, lovely General:

Pup 4 makes me laugh every time!

Very, very frightening..

Putin on the Ritz

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

A selfie sweatshirt is literally the best idea since the wearable shark.

Again?

A young girl meeting a penguin for the first time.

First world problems in The Cotswolds.

FIND out if your wife knows where the stopcock is by sticking a photo of your toddler’s face to the inside of washing machine.

All my economist training is failing me. Theoretically there is no reason why this car shouldn’t start. I’ve assumed a working engine.

The week in 50 funny tweets: starring Lord Freud, #WaterstonesTexan, The Apprentice and more. http://huff.to/1rH69uZ

This is how your weather should look right now. If it doesn’t, tell someone who gives a fuck

Getting a spray tan, it’s not gone well.

Don’t forget to check you children’s homework before sending them to school.

REDUCE your stress levels by not really giving a shit about anything.

 

teacher: are there any classes you are struggling with?

me: the bourgeois

teacher: what

me: what

karl marx: nice

 

if I wear fitness clothes I will feel like doing fitness things right *proceeds to lay in bed all day in jogging outfit*

Not a single fuck given.

Awesome: "100-Year-Old Math Teacher Still Going Strong at Brooklyn Elementary School"

Maybe not the best idea to wear tan coloured leggings when you pick the kids up from school…

I heart the internet

Elmo what you doing?

Apparently America had some sort of pumpkin parade (of white people) that kicked off. Because they were white Americans it was a boisterous disturbance rather than a thug culture riot. Twitter rose to the event:

If white people continue to glorify pumpkin violence in their culture they deserve the spice-latte thug stereotypes.

Where are the leaders in the white community? They need to speak out #pumpkinfest

How many of the defiant white youth causing mayhem & destruction come from fatherless families? #PumpkinRiot

 

 

This is awkward.

Good luck cyclists.

It’s cologne. COLOGNE.

Here is your personal horoscope for today!

Hipster spot: man in street in Shoreditch, eating a bag of Walker’s crisps with chopsticks.

2014 on Track to be Hottest Year in Recorded History http://inhabitat.com/2014-is-on-track-to-be-the-hottest-year-in-recorded-history/ …

"I might join you later" Translation: I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire.

We are introducing new, ‘smarter’ ticket machines. Features include: – smartness – tickets – machinery – #boat awareness messages – lasers

Here we have your standard "sympathetic" Cat…

It’s looking as though Oscar Pistorius would have had to serve longer if he’d trolled Reeva Steenkamp.

So Pistorius could be out of prison in just 10 months, still at least the judge is happy!

"There are no #GAY scenes. There are scenes with people in them" ~ #ShondaRhimes

 

 

[press conference] "Do you believe that perhaps it was a mistake to cross the road?" *chicken leans into mic* "BOK"

Is it "for fucks’ sake" or "for fuck’s sake"? I don’t want to sake more fucks than I have to.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m very approachable if you’re a stranger who hates my opinions.

Erm, can I possibly see another doctor?

Peppa Pig Jigsaw For Sale – £3.50

The most middle class thing that ever happened

#BBCNews has released a video showing the #OttawaShooting gunman PARKED ILLEGALLY to attack the Parliament. It just gets worse and worse…

 

 

I think I’ll book with another airline.

After Disney’s "Princess and the Frog" movie came out, over 50 children were hospitalized with salmonella from kissing frogs.

And finally, and finally…

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy…?

 

Later,

Buck.

I’ve dropped out of every marathon this year. I’ve done one poxy half marathon. I’ve been suffering that much on each run lately (and failing dismally) that I was seriously considering quitting altogether.

I’ve been on and off for a week or two now. Dropping out of Chester marathon after that pitiful, failed attempt at a 20 mile run was nearly the final straw. I was thinking of obsessing about the sax for a bit and maybe take up video games. Seriously. I’d actually reasoned it out that I started all this exercise bollocks because I didn’t know how to kill all the hours that not drinking left me with, but that’s my life now and I could easily live it without the exercise.

Then the Ladybower 2015 50 miler was advertised open on Facebook. I read it but dismissed it as I’ve committed to so much this year and it’s all been a bust, and I was thinking of quitting. Then I read they were limiting the places to 75 on the 35 mile race and 75 on the 50 miler. Going to go fast. Only £30.

Bollocks, I’m in!

Fired by this one last make or break fling I went out for a run yesterday. I just did a 10 miler. My form has been so pitiful lately that I started off tentatively, expecting failure. The first mile was easy to warm up, looked at my watch 8.07 m/m, not too shabby by current standards. I let it slide into the 8.20’s then at 6 miles tried a new app, (paceDJ, it sorts through all your songs and only plays the ones that are at your correct running pace, like the drummer on the slave galley’s but not so much fun) blasted the next mile in 7.31. Again, in the grand scheme of things not great but at current levels a minor miracle. I’d left it late but thought I’d try and pick up the lost time in the last 4 miles and bring it back to a 8m/m average. I kept it well under 8 and the last mile was a 7.32. I finished less than a second a mile slower than 8.

I was buzzing. I used to think 8 m/m was my Forrest Gump pace, the natural rhythm into which I fell when I wanted to grind out long distances and wasn’t pushing it. I have to judge my run on where I am at the moment, and that was a hell of a valiant 4 miles.

As an aside, to put my negativity into perspective, when I started running those years back I was advised by a twitter chum who was a runner about cold showers on the legs, pacing and such. I’m moaning that I can’t even do a marathon, she’s just done her first half marathon, accomplishing her two goals for the race; a sub 2.30 and not to walk any of it. 

Well done her, not knocking her, but in all modesty I have done a bit more. She’s a black belt at karate and runs fitness classes so she’s overachieving in other areas.

Anyway, I did that 10 miler yesterday and started my diet again. I burned 1,179 calories on the run. This morning I got up, had a slice of toast, then set out to do a 15 miler, burning off 1,767 calories.  Piece of toast being what? 150 calories? It was pure stupidity. By the 13th mile I had absolutely nothing left. I had that weird sweat going on and the post hitting-the-wall shuffle. I did the last 2 miles on pure will power. I came in, had cereal, a shower, then just lay down. It was beastly. The thing is I do it every time I start a diet. Then forget in between.

That was totally predictable and completely avoidable. Stupid.

My plan now is to repeat one week from my marathon plan (rest, 6m, 9m ,6m, rest, 4 mile, 20 mile long run.) Strangely doing little distances frequently really builds your fitness. I started it a bit enthusiastically, 10 miles then long run of 15, but if I stick to it and just keep adding 2 miles to the long run each week I can see that working. This time I am going to train to run the full 50, last time I trained as it said online, run 20 minutes, walk 5. Others didn’t bother. I only did two marathon-plus training runs, this time I want a few months of 50 mile runs. Even if you are pretty fit, as I must have been, after 40 miles it really takes it’s toll. It’s misery, in point of fact. I want to train past that.

Which is a hell of a long winded way of saying I nearly quit but now I’ve got my mojo back.

 

In other news the job is groovy. The set week and regular two days off are a thing of beauty in the (agency) lorry driving world. The hours could be longer but hey ho, swings and roundabouts.

Some lorry driver didn’t come home the other day. Saw his unit, folded neatly half way up. Two dead, shut the motorway. Not fun.

 

I’ve fixed the indicators on the bike, proper flash rate now.  And it’s still lovely. I’ve found an online shop that sells cafe racer kit, such as leather jeans and open face helmets. Now I’ve found them it’s a matter of when not if. Also I’ve reworked the gate fixing, we had a real strong wind and it nearly tore it off it’s hinges. It’s now bombproof but it take me 10 minutes to get the bike out. Still, no way on this Earth am I leaving it on the front.

 

In super wonderful news, we had a Labour guy come around to see if there were any issues locally, I just said “I’m voting Labour” took the leaflet and shut the door. Politely. Wendy bothered to read it and noticed it said they’d resolved the local broadband issue. I immediately went online to the broadband area checker and it’s true! Upgraded immediately. As of the 22nd we are going from 3Mb/s to 75-80Mb/s! *does Snoopy dance*

We are about to see the Promised Land of Infinity broadband!

To Infinity and beyond!

Oh, and I’ve got some (£2.99) steampunk sunglasses and I’m trying my hand at a spiv pencil moustache. It’s a work in progress.

 

Enough waffling, it’s Twitter time!

The DMreporter had:

PARENTS: Is your teenager moody, argumentative and often out with their friends? ‘They’re almost certainly on heroin’ warn experts.

 

 

In Politics/ Tory Scum we had:

The next time someone asks you, "So what would you cut", point them in the direction of £85bn corporate welfare bill http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/06/benefits-corporate-welfare-research-public-money-businesses …

"What peace process?" Swedish FM response to critique that Sweden recognizing Palestine undermined peace talks #Gaza

I know I was very lucky to have access to a greengrocer who sold stuff cheap at the end of the day. But I couldn’t have used #scroungercard.

Libdems are making promises. Oh, well, I’ll take that shit to the bank.

Richest MP in Britain slams welfare state but makes £625k a year in housing benefit http://bit.ly/1nBAw74

Today Sweden has a new ‘Left/Green’ govt, cabinet comprising 50% women, & has recognised State of Palestine. We’re scrapping Human Rights.

So now that UKIP have their first MP, will they finally get as much media coverage as the Green Party?

So Clacton has elected the same person, with the same views. And this is because ‘the people want change’. Right, got it.

 

 

And everybody’s favourite, General:

My cat is sad because my other cat wears a Batman mask and has never revealed her real identity to him.

twitter is an amazing place where you can connect with celebrities and discover that lots of them are utterly vile humans who you now hate

The Sun wants to bin your Human Rights. 3 days later, the Sun makes a official complaint demanding their Human Rights

People often ask me for advice about their life goals, relationships, etc, and I explain: 1. I’m a florist 2. I couldn’t give a monkey’s.

ISLAMIC STATE. A better propaganda tool would be to rebrand as the "Young Muslims Caliphate Association".

The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house………I got the outside.

War is a quarrel between rich thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle. ~Thomas Carlyle

Looks like Papa bears not a fan of Asians.

large corporations should have tax credits paid to their employees deducted from profits, as George would say its only fair

Mercedes is building a self-driving truck that’s going to change the future of shipping http://wrd.cm/1EpKiSZ

Only in America

I’m good thanks.

How to draw a horse.

Taste the rainbow.

Think I’ll pass.

So I went into the gas station & left my windows down & I came back & someone bit my beef patty

Man tries to attack 14-year-old girl from behind, she beats him up with martial arts skills http://ind.pn/1w967QN

This is what happens when you adopt a dog

Sedal: Before & After

Me: What did I tell you about being bad?! 4-year-old: Don’t leave any witnesses. I guess she does listen.

A handy guide to avoid any confusion in the future.

The Moses Bridge, Netherlands

4 Beatles on a zebra crossing

MET OFFICE SEVERE WEATHER WARNING: Dense fog patches. Travel disruption. ADVICE: 1. Get shitfaced. 2. Stay in bed.

"Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?"

Looked up Marine Animals. Was not disappointed.

And on that note,

later.

Buck.

The new job is everything they said. So far. The bookings are indeed for 4 weeks at a time. I’m on Sunday-Thursday. I had Friday and Saturday off without issue. I’ve still to see what the money will work out like as I’ve had to re-register as a Limited Company so last week was two days of PAYE.

If the agency and my accountants have sorted it out I should find out what it’s worth this Friday.

The job is easy enough so far. They said they’d just be putting me on trunks (take this trailer to A, swap, take second trailer to B, swap, come back.) Then ease me into store deliveries when I’d got the hang of it. Every place has their own system you have to learn.

Anyway, as I said, so far it’s been really easy and no pressure. The Friday and Saturday I worked last week were double runs, so they were good for 13.15 and 12 hrs. This week has all been single runs so I’m only getting 8 hours a day. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m down for a double. At £18 an hour, I think. That’ll do.

The job is fine, the money (I think) is good, and they are in the process of taking on the current agency drivers to full time. Well, apparently it’s a part time contract but they make sure you get the extra shifts to make it up to full time. My point being, this could turn into a real job.

 

In other, not so good, news, my fitness is shit again. I tried a 20 miler last week and ended up walking 3 times after 18 miles. I had to abandon tomorrow’s Chester marathon. I don’t want to make an arse of myself in a race.

I’m going to have to go back to the training plan and work up again. I got to doing an easy 20 miles then had a week off, ran 18 miles nearly killed me, week off, tried 20 had to quit at 19.

I seem to think that once you can run 20 miles you are set, do it at the drop of a hat. It is *so* not the case. I think when that was true I must have been tri training so I was running and cycling virtually every day. It was just the long ones I was only doing occasionally.

Back to it from next week. This job gives me loads of time to have a life so I’ve no excuses. Also I’m itching to get back to the sax again. I keep trying for a few months, then something stops me. No way I could do it on nights. But now I want to again, it’s just the reluctance to embarrass myself in my crapness (it’s very loud, then neighbours must be going “Oh god! He’s at it again.”)

But the urge is outweighing the reluctance. I keep telling myself if I could do half an hour a day, eventually I must become proficient. And when I do pick it up the half hours always turn into hours anyway.

I wish I was more like Gail, Wendy’s sister. She sets her mind to do stuff and just grinds it out. I get fired with manic enthusiasm, charge at the job like a man possessed, then lose interest. Meh.

The bike is coming along. I changed my big, chunky indicators for tiny, but very bright LED ones. It was a total ball ache fitting them but the back ones at least worked. I put the front ones on and they were flashing too fast. I ordered a different ‘ballast’ and that fixed one of them, so I’ve ordered another from the same supplier. Not dear, only about £4. That will be ‘bars swapped and indicators changed. The rest of the transformation involves lots of money and I need to pay the bike off the card first.

 

On to Twitter;

 

DMreporter kept us abreast with:

DEVASTATING FINAL BLOW: Paul Dacre reveals the Daily Mail, the worlds favourite newspaper, won’t be available in an independent Scotland.

SPORT: ‘Oscar Pistorius CAN compete again’ rules Olympic Committee despite the opinion that he killed his girlfriend and maybe he shouldn’t.

FINAL INSULT: Fury as Andy Murray, who is British for around 60% of his sporting achievements, comes out in favour of independence.

SPOTTED: A distraught Alex Salmond wrestling with a trolley at his local ASDA shouting “fucking keep the pound then.”

POLITICS: Gordon Brown to challenge Boris Johnson for position of next Conservative leader.

RACISM PROBABLY: Fallout from independence bid continues as English middle-class family holiday in Scotland but don’t have a very nice time.

FEMININISM: Emma Watson showcases her shapely calves and cheeky derrière as she calls for gender equality during speech at the UN.

BREAKING: America does awesome and impressive things with bombs. Hurrah!

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Nail varnish Tu) Butterscotch We) Escalators Th) iPhone 6 Fr) Gift aid Sa) Renault Scenic Su) Poison

 

 

In Politics/Tory Scum we had:

Tomorrow’s Daily Express front page is a sight to behold.

(Spoof Express) :

I would like to extend my congratulations to the royal couple on the announcement of the pregnancy.The parasitic, sponging wastes of space.

In the strongest indication yet that Cameron will go if Scotland Votes Yes, David Cameron says he will not go if Scotland votes Yes.

Very moving to see David Cameron close to tears at the prospect of losing Scotland*. *his job

God made Adam and EVE not Adam and an INDEPENDENT SCOTLAND

Indy Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and Great Sankey, Warrington. We can do this! #indyref #usnext

 

Tory ministers talk of taking risk and entrepreneural spirit. Which is great when your father owns half of Suffolk.

3 people die horribly and with maximum publicity and we are back on "permanent war" footing. This stinks of false flag.

Funny these things never happen in arse end of nowhere, no natural resources countries.

The excuses change but geography and the oil do not. "Four US Presidents announcing strikes in Iraq

£27,000,000,000 the amount UK government spends subsidising companies that pay breadline wages each year £900 per person in work per year

Tories. Feel better about Labour’s mansion tax to pay for the NHS by referring to it as the "15 spare rooms subsidy".

I’ve no problem with Tony Blair giving his opinion on Iraq, it’s just he should be doing it from The Hague… #warcriminal

Each cruise missile costs £3/4M and they’re setting them off like thruppeny Brocks. Meanwhile people are visiting food banks to survive.

Best thing EVER:

Whoever @Cassetteboy is, hats off for superb parody of Cameron speech. Trending and set to go viral https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YBumQHPAeU …

David Cameron. Why not cut out the middle man by getting someone on benefits to pay £500 directly to someone who’s comfortably off?

Irvine Welsh slams Osborne for using Trainspotting quotes: ‘I’d rather be quoted by Fred West’

Any worker thinking of voting Tory. This is a foodbank parcel for TWO people for THREE days. Think again.

I’m sorry, there’s no money, we have to close the libraries and the Sure Start centres… LET’S GO TO WAR! TAX CUTS FOR EVERYONE!

 

And bestest till lastest, General:

Graphics guys you had one job.

You had one job and it looks like you’ve done it to well.

Pretty sweet the iPhone 6 can store finger prints, credit cards & personal pics in one central location. What’s the worst that could happen?

U2 and Apple have a long history together. "Where the streets have no name" was inspired by the launch of Apple Maps.

Evolution of music sales: 1. Pay a lot 2. Pay a little 3. Pay anything 4. OK fine, just pay once a month 5. Fuck you, now you own a U2 album

Bono, in the dark, drinking from a fifth of whiskey, watching a data visualization of people removing his album, face streaked with tears.

*buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*

Capitalism is fascism in action, using debt to punish the masses.

House I would not live in. Or enter.

Have I just… had a stroke halfway through reading this sign?

For anyone wondering what "culpable homicide" means, it’s when you’re famous and can buy your way out of a murder charge.

At least Oscar Pistorius will think long and hard before he kills his next girlfriend.

I’m no fashion expert but even I know that the Colombia women’s cycling team kit seen here is a genuine disaster

Just take a minute to think that someone actually designed that. It wasn’t a mistake. Poor women.

"Cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this!" says Gregg Wallace, as I laugh to myself and release two hungry Velociraptors into the kitchen.

I think the word you’re looking for is tambourine.

She breathed

And the leaves trembled,

The water leapt

From the womb of the earth,

From the clear sky

The soundless silence wept.

Redheaded guy moving the wheel chocks off my trailer. Just made myself laugh by saying "chicks away, Ginger!" #imsotired

"Ebola" and "Jeremy Clarkson" trending. *Crosses fingers*

The truth about global warming is things go in cycles and we’re simply about to enter a cycle where we become a burning cinder for eternity

The mail says ‘end of human rights farce’. This from the newspaper that backed Hitler in the 30s. Nothing but fascists

Luke and Princess Leia today

Probably the best picture of a duck wearing a beaver onesie you’ll see all day

 

just found @BillBailey nailing an impersonation of @billybragg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1_uEbGJtnY … while Mr Bragg looks on

Watched a lot of people riding water scooters today! The segway of the sea. Chances are they were all douches. 🙁

The #IgNobel prize in ARCTIC SCIENCE goes to a team from Norway & Germany for testing how reindeer react to humans disguised as polar bears!

I’d like to know who give it such a high rating.

Laziness level: expert.

"Everything happens for a reason." "Then explain Nickelback." "Everything else happens for a reason."

There’s something troubling about this book’s tone

Book review by my 6 year old (perhaps misunderstanding availability of multiple copies?!)

That’s exactly what someone who is dating their dad would say.

Unfortunate placement.

#Tesco miscalculate by £250 million. Those self service tills are a bugger.

Hipster level: Final Boss

Have we all seen the dog that looks like Richard Branson?

Angry caller says a "Muslim" statue’s being erected in Cardiff and we should do a story on it. Bemused, I ask of what. Answer: "Ghandi".

(Black tweeter wrote) Why is it that when a black dude starts acting crazy as fuck on the train, white people look at me like ‘do something’. Shit, I’m scared too.

Frog that looks like the goblin things off Spiderwick Chronicles:

I see the mods are escalating the whole mods/ rockers thing.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."

Just seen this comment posted on the #BritainFirst page – "Send the Romanians back to Rome!" They’re not the brightest lot are they…

LADIES. MAKE YOUR CHOICES.

What a loss to the feminist ladies. And the gene pool as a whole.

Viz comics had these two:

If I were a football chairman I’d only sign cheap handsome players and use the team calendar sales to buy a hovercraft.

A 96yr old lady frm Australia knitted over 1000 tiny sweaters for penguins to protect them from oilspills

My spirit animal is a drugs mule

VACANCY: Can you tie your own shoelaces and make tea? Good at patronising? We have a role for a ‘Skills Trainer’ at your local A4e branch.

Must admit I had to laugh today when a Polish friend expressed disgust at some Polish racists and told them to fuck off home.

There’s only so many times you say “stop worrying” to me before I shoot you through the bathroom door, by accident.

Police called to house in Northern Ireland after neighbour ‘thought EU flag was "Arabic"’

 

And finally…

Later,

Buck.