Getting a grip.

The times they are a changing. Had Wendy’s parents over for 10 days, stopping with us, for Wendy’s niece’s wedding. While I was working nights. And they are deaf. You can imagine how much fun that was.

Added to the usual quotient of their god-squad bigotry.

*in with calm*

Anyway, got to grin and bear it.

They are cake fiends though. I ended up making 2 fruitcakes (8” circumference x 2” deep) a cheesecake (same) and two lots of flapjacks. They were away from our house for 3½ days! Wendy says I should take it as a compliment to my baking, but I reckon they’d have eaten a rat if I’d have sprinkled it with hundreds and thousands.

Anywho, the reason I can bake all the above is because I have a sweet tooth. So I was tucking in. I’ve not baked anything for ages before their visit as Wendy can’t eat it/ was dieting.

They went back, I saw a rather natty summer coat on ebay, tailor made, height, chest, weight… OMFG! 11 stone, 12 pounds!

Crash diet. Waddle my lard arse around a 10 mile run every day.

I’m currently filling up on humble pie. Last year I had the attitude “If  you can put one foot in front of the other you can run a mile, if you can run a mile you can run a marathon. Just do it.”  I started on project #10milesaday yesterday. Luckily my GPS watch was flat and my other watch needs a new clasp, so I just let my legs set the pace. I was satisfied just to waddle the full 10 miles. The last time I saw a finish as a goal was that 50 mile run last year, it’s been years since I was happy just to finish a shit-slow 10 miler. I went out today with the my GPS watch but the same strategy. Turns out I’m averaging 8.46 m/m. *hangs head in shame* Woe unto the house of Bucky.

My plan is just to grit my teeth and do 6 x 10 miles runs a week (they say you should factor recovery into training) until I feel I can push on again, then up the pace and distance.


Due to the nights gig I’ve given up on the tready. I never got to train because of the noise. I’ve sold it on ebay. Collection only. A geezer from Ireland bought it. “Can you post it?” He wanted to send a parcel company around to pick it up. I said it was nearly 6 foot tall and 120 kilos, it wasn’t going to go in an envelope. Eventually he arranged for 2 men and van to pick it up. At 0800 hrs. I stated repeatedly ‘any afternoon’ and ‘selling because I work nights and can’t train’. Dick. So, a week later two Polish lads turned up with a van and took it. Huzzah!

Wendy is ecstatic now she’s got her roomy kitchen back. Now we’ve got to put new floor (and the washing machine is on it’s way out so will have to be replaced before we fit a new floor) to our shopping list. Joy.

And the slipping clutch thing on the car. It’s always done it if you slam your foot down on the accelerator, the revs shoot up but the speed takes a while to follow. I thought it was time for a new clutch cable. It was really bad on the motorway to work the other night so I googled it. New clutch. £273. Ace. The garage are doing it on my days off next week.

One step forward, two steps back. On the bright side, on the MOT the guy said they cambelt should be changed every 80,000 miles, the Polo is on 130,000 and judging by the faults has not been looked after. I said they might as well do that (minimum £250) while they had the car off the road. They rang me back and said it doesn’t have a cambelt (Cam chain) so it doesn’t need changing. Doesn’t exactly inspire me with awe at their in-depth knowledge though.


I mentioned my summer coat, here it is:


It’s Neo’s Matrix Reloaded priesty coat.

Cool for catching the rays in summer and spinning in slo-mo.


I’ve just looked and Runner’s World reckon a bloater of my proportions doing a shit slow 10 mile run burns off 1,240 calories. If I do that every day whilst rationing my food and cutting out sweet stuff and butter, I should soon be down to human dimensions.


Work is working out nicely. I had that 6 day week a few weeks ago, two 5 day week’s since. Also I’ve found out they pay you a minimum of 8 hours per shift, and after your 12 weeks (a week on Sunday! Woo-hoo!) you get pay parity with the full timers and paid breaks. That’s an extra £10 or so a day for nothing. Plus a lot more per hour.


Right, off to watch Captain America.

I’ll finish off with Twitter later.

Ha! Captain America was a total hoot! Without spoilering anything, it was worth seeing just for the headstone.


Just remembered the other momentous event, due to my fitness being so bad and my training time utterly bollocksed, I’ve withdrawn from the Outlaw!

It was a huge and disappointing decision, but as soon as I made it the relief I felt at not having to swim or ride this year was overwhelming! It was like those dreams I have where I’m back in the army then I wake up and could weep with joy. I think that’s it, then. I hadn’t realised I hated it so much. I know it’s a huge challenge and it’s meant to be hard, but it’s also meant to be something you enjoy. I clearly don’t. I think I’ll just get back into my running and challenge myself with that. There are 100 mile runs to be conquered, mountain runs, that desert run…

I feel a bit of loser on one hand, but massively relieved on the other.


But I promised you Twitter, and by golly I’m here to deliver.


DMreporter leads the charge with:

AUSTERITY: Everything is brilliant now but Ed Miliband wants you to think it isn’t. We ask, why does he hate you so much?

THREAT: Immigrants are in France. France is near Britain. We ask, how long until they realise Britain is better than France and come here?

HEALTH: How using cannabis once a week can turn you into "a wild eyed loner on the last freedom moped out of nowhere city."


In Politics/ tory scum we had:

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I was fined £17000 by HMRC (first offence) for getting my accounts wrong, what’s going to happen to that Miller woman? Fucking Jack shit

The whole of C Wing are again requesting the opportunity to apologise and go home. #MariaMiller

I got caught red hand robbing £5 million from a bank today. I told the police "lessons will be learned" and they made me chief constable

The irony of IDS, whose department presides over Atos and benefit sanctions, suggesting Maria Miller is the victim of a witch hunt…

PM has now offered his support for Maria miller, in public, on camera, three times since that Thursday apology. Three times.

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Calls for Maria Miller to resign? "It’s a witch hunt!" People commit suicide over welfare reforms? "We need to balance the books."

Worth remembering a guy was given a 6 month prison sentence for stealing a bottle of water in the London riots of 2011 #MariaMiller

Good to see an MP do the right thing after exhausting all other possibilities #MariaMiller

Then Cameron informed us he was on a mission from god, “big society is continuing jesus’ work”

Cameron is right. Who can forget the time Jesus took over Judea’s universal healthcare system and divided it up amongst his disciples?

Or the time he opened a food bank on the shore of the lake of Galilee? Or when he turned water into poison frackjuice? #BigSocietyJesus

I think Dave of Nazereth is having a religious moment, I wonder when he will throw all the Bankers and Money Lenders out of the temple

Hey Cameron in ‘Jesus’ big society’ he allegedly fed the hungry not sanctioned them. #Tosser

#JesusCameron  On a mission from god. To send all the poor and disabled straight back to him.

In my Cabinet’s house there are many mansions. #CameronJesus

Nigel Evans MP wants to claim his legal costs from CPS. I assume he also wants to reverse govt Legal Aid cuts.

MPs calling for Nigel Evans to get his costs back: where were you when @MoJGovUK changed rules that previously meant the not guilty could?

Nigel Evans MP – (1997) Legal aid is too expensive. (1998) Unfair that people get legal aid. (2014) The CPS should pay my entire legal bill.


NUMBERS: The UK has 650 Members of Parliament. Their combined expenses bill? £100,000,000 and rising. Value for money?

‘Labour in 1997 inherited a debt of 42% of GDP. By the start of the global banking crises 2008 the debt had fallen to 35%’ Well, well!

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Ed and Prescot eggs:

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And of course, best till last, General:

@denofgeek Spoilers: our review of EastEnders episode 4829 ” << Genius!

NEWS! Successful Earth Hour campaign delays global catastrophe – by an hour …

Tesco noted: Don’t worry – a suit with very loud pinstripes won’t set off our self checkout scanners. Rest easy, you dapper thing.

‘I want my chips’: mother who set fire to kebab shop jailed for 28 months

Many lorry drivers ask "How Am I Driving?" which is extremely worrying, given it’s their actual profession.

4 ludicrously priced (from reseller) tickets to One Direction arrive. 8 year old decides she can’t stand them anymore.

BrilliantAds had:

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And a VW versus Porsche ad:

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⅓ of American combat women raped by their own side. That’s a hell of a statistic.

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#PrayForChile. Or help them. One or the other.

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"Political correctness" is a phrase antithetical to feminism actually. It implies bigoted language is norm and empathy is a burden.

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How to interpret a tragedy: Black=Violent Muslim=Terrorist Latino=Illegal Immigrant White=Mental difficulties & rough upbringing

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I feel sorry for the people who say money can’t buy happiness; they’ve completely failed to grasp the concept of money.

*opens can of worms* *worms cheer!* *lives out rest of days as Worm God*

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This is why dads should not be left unsupervised with the kids.

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I thought that the Boat Race was next week. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all these piranha now.

Boat race: who gives a fuck which team of vastly over privileged elitist wanks gets to the end of the course first?

Well played barista well played.

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"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." God also made Hitler. Your point is invalid.

ok #NoahMovie spoiler alert: there is a flood and everyone dies. #sorry #god

Uncovering their secrets, here are 15 popular brands with subliminal messages in their logos!

Sometimes nailing a single genre is difficult, but this chap may have gone too far

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When your digestive snaps off in your brew and you’re all "why do bad things happen to good people?" #life #ruined #whyhaveyouforsakenme?

Just witnessed a woman having a full blown argument outside the local shop ……with her dog…… about it being selfish.

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Do you ever just wanna grab someone by the shoulders, look them deep in the eyes and whisper, "No one gives a fuck."

I’ve no problem with environmentalists protesting against oil companies, as long as they don’t buy their products.

Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin

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Artists installs massive poster of child’s face in Pakistan field to shame drone operators

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Why attack Syria?

Why attack Syria?

Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…

BMW drivers. They Park where they want

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(I tweeted)

Bow before me, Twitter. Just changed the tap washer. This means I earn huge man points *and* get to put ‘plumber’ on my CV. #gothefuckme

(My gay lady chum, @incurablehippie replied)

Take me now.

Me: Get in line!

Her: Anything you want.



So apparently if you squash a marshmallow rabbit then the end result is Kim Jong-un

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Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.

"Which Made In Chelsea star would you date?" If by ‘date’ you mean ‘brutally bludgeon to death’, all of them.

Just asked for an advice slip from the ATM and it said “leave your wife, she’s having an affair”. Not going to *that* ATM again.

Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.

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Homeopathy Awareness Week begins today. The less aware of it you are, the more good it will do you.

Cars named after flowers include the Lotus, the Mitsubishi Rosa, the Nissan Laurel and my nan’s car, Daisy.

The problem with some people is that they’re breathing.

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The sun’s core is so hot that a piece of it the size of a pinhead would give off enough heat to kill a person 160 kilometers away.

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California lumberjacks work on Redwoods

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Someone noted: Those fellas are tiny.

Being a Christian does not give you the right to think you’re somehow "above" all others? You’re in fact the same, just more delusional.

Dalek caught in the act of flower arranging #DoctorWho

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Wearing Crocs is a great way to protect your virginity.

There is no practical distinction between the comments section of a web page and the depths of hell.

Anyone got a few quid to help @virginmedia pay their trainees wages? They’re a bit short, only made £2.8 billion profit last year.

Letter to the Times:

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Bloody hell, even the Queen’s weighing in on the poverty debate. Not sure if this is brilliant or a ghastly joke.

If you don’t like a tolerant and welcoming society, you can just fuck off.

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Just saw mega-drunk posh man screaming at the self service in Sainsburys. “Unexpected item in bagging area” “I WON’T BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THIS”

Why does this keep happening?

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Note the subtle #bbc bias – Andy Coulson is always described as "former NOTW editor", never as "Cameron’s former director of communications"

Don’t you just hate it when the pattern on your top makes it look like a tiny guy is riding you like a horse?

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White middle-class Christians are the most persecuted people in the UK, if you exclude every other type of person. Which usually they do.

Of all the major world religions, Christianity is by far the most chocolatey.

Rhinos are nothing but fat unicorns.

And with that, I’m off.