Category: Life

I had set the bar for my best effort for 3 miles. It was a 6.30 m/m. It near killed me, but that was it, best effort. I then upped the pace to 6.20 and failed badly on two attempts on tired legs. As I said in my last blog I was going to rest for a day or two then try again. On Friday I warmed up, rested for a minute and gave myself a stern talking to. “Do. Or do not. There is not try. And there is no ‘do not’. Do it, fatlad.”

I set the pace at 6.15 and went for it.

I battered it! I kept the pace up for 5k (3.1 miles) to see what my best speed was for the distance, then dropped the speed (still sub 7!) for 2 miles to get my breath back, then did the last mile of 10k at 6.30!

Check me out!

Catching my breath at sub 7! Straight after setting new PB. And finishing off with my previous PB!

The thing is, it wasn’t that bad. I just stared ahead, concentrated on my breathing, got my pulse down to 150 ish, and carried on. As demonstrated by the extra .1 of a mile. Usually I’m playing mind tricks for the last 5 minutes, telling myself ‘after this is only a half mile, after the next minute it’s only a minute, 10 seconds, 9, …1,  STOP!’  This time I reckon I could have done another mile at that pace.

So, so chuffed. After those failures earlier in the week I was worrying I might not be able to improve. I’d started to think that I’d hit my physical barrier. Which would have been doubly embarrassing as I’d not previously considered the possibility that I might have one, and I’ve told everyone my plans based on the assumption that graft = results. It would have been a monster portion of humble pie to choke down if I couldn’t have improved at all.

Anyway, that is not a concern now. Mission Improbable is *ON*!

 

After such a glorious day yesterday, I went to hop on a trailer at work today and pulled my groin. D’oh!

I tried to do some fast miles when I got in, but my legs weren’t having it. My shins were hurting and my groin was sore.

My funky new watch arrived today. It is all-singing and all-dancing. I’m going to put it through it’s paces tomorrow. Probably slowly if my legs aren’t better.

 

I had a moment of epiphany earlier this week; I’m on mornings at the moment, I can join a running club!

That is why I was testing my 5 and 10k times. The Spectrum Striders (Birchwood running club) train in three groups. The fast group is defined as 5k in 16-22 minutes, 10k in 33-44 m and a half marathon as 1.09- 1.34.

I did 5k in 19.27 and 10k in 40.22. I’ve not tried a half marathon at pace yet. I think I should get into the fast group though. If they can beast me to a 1.09 half, that’s got to be a 2.30 marathon, surely?

I was going to go and play (with SS) tomorrow but with an injury I’d best not.

I’m not overly concerned about joining a running club. Tri club is intimidating because I’ll be the fat, useless, half-drowning, old duffer (and not so clever cyclist).  In a running club I know I can hold my own.

Also, they say if you’re serious about tri join a running club, a cycling club and a swimming club. But that’s not the objective here, I just want to concentrate on doing one thing well. The Outlaw next year is just going to be me scraping by in the the swim (as usual), not being too terrible on the bike, then absolutely slaughtering the run. I hope. 

I am pumped with mojo at the moment. The trouble is; you can’t rest so you are fit for setting new PB’s and train. Still, forcing myself to endure longer (10 miles) at fairly fast pace 7 m/m set me up for that new PB. 

If my legs/ groin aren’t too bad tomorrow (injury fear!) I think I’ll download that training plan on the assumption that I will be able to step it up to 3 miles at 6 m/m. I can’t wait until I crack that barrier. I didn’t do it last time I started (before being laid up for months with injury) and I couldn’t do it this time. Taking a step back, and a longer run up, looks like it’s going to pay off.

Here is the training plan if you want to crack the sub 3 hour marathon btw: http://www.runnersworld.ltd.uk/acatalog/sub_3_hour_schedule.html 

I was just looking at it and apart from the 3 miles at 6 m/m, (which I really think I can do next rested run) I can piss the rest right up until the end of  week 9.

And, I’ve just realised, it’s not a 20 week schedule, it’s 14! I don’t know that I trust it. The longest run is 3 weeks before the race and that is 20 miles in 2.30. Which works out as a marathon in 3.16. You are supposed to lose 17 minutes in 3 weeks without speed or distance training? *worried face*

Hmm, I’ll try it, I still have 5 weeks spare at the end if I need to work on speed and endurance. Kind of the definition of a fast marathon.

 

Anyway, enough of my self indulgent waffling.  Bring on the bread and circuses that is Twitter;

 

The DMreporter had:

ENERGY: British Gas caught stealing flowers from graves, popping children’s balloons and robbing piggy banks. Also, extorting the public.

PRESS COULUSION: Did spin flop and red top push Tory fop for top job during bed hop?

IMMIGRATION: Star Trek convention raided by Border Control after advert boasting of ‘highest Romulan attendance in Europe.’

HISTORY: Reclusive widow of Lee Harvey Oswald turns down our interview request, so here’s 20 pictures of her in public. That’ll learn her.

POLL: Are unions a bigger threat to Great Britain than terrorism? A) Yes – I love freedom and puppies B) No – Hitler was right

TO CATCH A PREDATOR: Computer generated child ‘Sweetie’, created to entrap online paedophiles, looks all grown up at premier of new film…

BROADCASTING: BBC officially inherit title of ‘Evil Empire’ from Rupert Murdoch

HACKING: Tapes of Elvis planning the assassination of JFK, skull of Hitler and T-1000 endoskeleton found in News of the World safe.

EDITORIAL: ‘Human rights, legal aid, Citizens Advice, banking regulations and the speaking clock are a gift to paedophile terrorists.’

 

 

In politics/ tory scum we had:

Ah, BBC left wing bias: Nick Robinson – Young Conservatives David Dimbleby – Bullingdon Andrew Neil – Murdoch John Humphrys – Daily Mail

I think the fact that the EDL has set up a Spanish ex-pat division has made my life. They’re too stupid to see their hypocrisy

Just to be clear, David Cameron is threatening to use D-Notices or legal injunctions on @guardian if it continues to publish #snowden files

Kinda weird that Cameron wants to stop Guardian releasing Snowden leaks. After all, if Cameron’s done nothing wrong, he has nothing to hide.

Osborne has borrowed more money than #Labour did in 13 years of power combined. The Deficit is not down. The stats are out there. #tories

No Country for Old Men, Old Women, Disabled, Unemployed, Immigrants, Teachers, Nurses and Badgers. #ToryHalloweenFilms

Good Will Fox Hunting #ToryHalloweenFilms

Funny how Tories can sympathise with residents who object to wind farms, but dismiss those with concerns for fracking as misinformed.

The Nepalese have a word for people like David Cameron. It’s whatever the Nepalese is for "twat".

"Labour has never been a socialist party but it’s always had socialists in it just as there are some Christians in the Church" – Tony Benn

We should knock this second home for MPs business on the head. Build them halls of residence instead. They take the piss.

MPs claim expenses for houses, heating, food, travel, children paddocks, underpants etc. But its the poor who want something for nothing?

Ken Clarke on the veil: "It’s a most peculiar costume for people to adopt in the 21st century."

Wonga has given the Tory party 800,000 so far this year – of course they won’t regulate

That a UK MP is able to claim more for heating a SECOND home than a disabled person can claim in housing benefit is nothing short of evil.

Ukip must have about 200 seats the amount of times they are on tv, oh no sorry its none, easy mistake to make

 

(Sub section, UKIPtips) Leave people in no doubt what you stand for by changing your description from ‘Libertarian, non-racist’ to ‘Libertarian, non-racist, but…’

Fed up with the BBC’s ‘lefty bias’? Cheer up, Nigel Farage will be making his 1000th Question Time appearance on Thursday

 

 

And general brought us this:

We had the Southern panic over that storm in a teacup. I contributed this:

Bit windy. #battendownthehatches #runtotheshelters #everymanforhimself #sodthewomenandchildren #wind #overreaction #panicandfreakthefuckout

Devastating storms are currently ripping through Kent.

BBC news – "Stay indoors overnight." Time to cancel that period of randomly standing outdoors between 3-5am that I was planning before work.

I wasn’t paying attention, did Larnden get washed out to sea?

Was there a Godzilla attack? Did someone RELEASE THE KRAKEN? Was their a giant kitten on the Post Office Tower?

 

Snowflakes are like people. Pour boiling water over them and they’ll soon go away.

It’s almost as if The Bible was written by racist, sexist, homophobic, violent, sexually frustrated men, instead of a loving God. Weird.

SSS $ The international emoticon for: A gang of snakes are burning an eel at the stake. Why can’t they get along?

The govt is building new nuclear power stations. It’s going to be a real shot in the arm for Britain’s struggling Godzilla fighting industry

C4 News reporting Ofgem report that bulk of recent energy bill rises accounted for by doubling of energy company profits!

They could make baseball actually interesting by releasing lions on to the field.

What a coincidence drivers of VIP paedos Savile and Demmink both found dead. That’s the power elite for you.

Saville’s driver JUST HAPPENED to commit suicide on the eve of his sex abuse trial. High-level paedo rings are nothing if not ‘persuasive’.

#GEMINI: Today you replace the can of air freshener in the workplace lavatory with an air horn. So now it’s just a waiting game.

I don’t have a costume. I’ll probably just cut eye holes in an old sheet and go as a moderate Republican

Hippos only have good intentions

The Daily Mail are using Lou Reed as a cautionary anti-drugs tale. Don’t do drugs or you may die at 71, respected the world over.

I’ve got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)!

"Obamacare is like crack," says Michele Bachmann, increasing the pressure on crack dealers to offer coverage for pre-existing conditions

If you ask Google Maps for walking directions from The Shire to Mordor, it responds "One does not simply walk into Mordor."

You know those micro pigs ? Thinking of getting one ? Don’t.

The real meaning of Halloween gets lost in all the costumes and marketing. Most people don’t even know Jesus fought a dragon, let alone why.

This is probably the wrong time to mention that Twitter was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

 

 

Possibly the best pumpkin I have ever seen. EVER

Sir Patrick Stewart in the bath in a lobster suit.

The #Sun admits ‘600,000 #benefittourist story was ‘not accurate’ & ‘has no evidence’ correction

 

Whatcha. I’m at a wedding. This is the cake. Fucking ace.

A beaver in a bee costume.

LONDONERS. Get to Birmingham 50 minutes quicker by setting off from Rugby

Octogenarian Russian shepherd kicks and headbutts [bear], which tosses him off a cliff – but he lives… http://gu.com/p/3k2pt

Oh this is fab http://bit.ly/HvGc2Y Guys from Ducati dealership strike typical "girl on bike" poses.

FRIDAY FILM FACT: JJ Abram’s Star Wars VII film will feature a new villain; a Sith Lord composed entirely of lens flare.

There is at least one hugely annoying person in every family. If you cannot think of a clear contender in yours, it’s you.

Remember Remember The 25th of December Is still nearly 2 months away. I see no reason Why Tinselly Season Should really be started today.

For Halloween someone dressed their child up as Gordon Ramsay and I’m glad they did

Children’s books are a lot darker than they used to be.

The requirements from the client is "Do not design in a way that is known to cause seizures", you know, in case that was our plan.

I bet half the posers wearing Che Guevara t-shirts can’t even name one of his songs.

Royal Mail claiming "#weloveparcels", but cynical part of me thinks that they partly deliver them just for the money.

Marvellous. A busker sings “Smalltown Boy” by Bronski Beat. Then Jimmy Somerville surprises him by joining in. bit.ly/1e3UWU3

24 mile commute season ticket comparison: Paris £924 Berlin £700 Madrid £654 London £3,268 Profits before customers! #Rail #Renationalise

So shooting down people at an airport is *not* terrorism, but carrying a flashdrive with evidence of gov’t wrongdoing *is* terrorism

One reason why girls and young women grow up with zero self-esteem:

upworthy.com/see-why-we-have-an-absolutely-ridiculous-standard-of-beauty-in-just-37-seconds?g=2 …

(That is 37 seconds of your life you just have to spend. It is gobsmacking.)

Is Peter Capaldi’s Doctor too old? "How many young Santa Clauses have you seen?" says Steven Moffat

Dear homophobes, Stop being gay.

Middle age is when you start singing the Bionic Man theme music and it turns into Emmerdale Farm.

And isn’t it surreal, don’t you think? IT’S LIKE FLYING WHALES ON YOUR WEDDING DAY IT’S A FREE RIDE WHEN YOUR CAT IS THE POPE

I think there’s a glitch in the matrix this Monday morning

Lest we forget

8yro son: Shall we put the Christmas tree up? 10yro daughter: Don’t be an idiot, it’s only just November. She’s my favourite child now.

How many Egyptian liberals does it take to change a light bulb? Why, where’s the military?

If u think gays should have equal rights, u must be gay, say #teaparty people. Also, if u don’t want whales to be slaughtered, u’re a whale.

Last year, EDF paid nearly £700m in dividends, SSE £770m and Centrica more than £800m. #EnergyBills

Please can somebody just starve that Hopkins woman of the oxygen of publicity? Or just oxygen? Whatever’s easier.

Great picture guys. Drunken French teenagers abduct a circus llama and take him on a tram ride

Happy Bonfire Night! Don’t forget your pets tonight and ensure all dogs have kitten ear muffs!

Guy Fawkes was the last man to wear one of those bloody masks with honourable intent.

You can take your religion and …. Oh actually *thats true*!… I think I just found God.

A potato wrapped in foil and placed in the base of your bonfire makes an ideal ‘last meal’ for the condemned hedgehog trapped in there.

If you find a hedgehog in your bonfire, first remove it safely, then sit it in a massive chair and take a photo of it

CATS. Need a shit? Why not wait ’til your owner has a hangover and use the litter tray? Be sure to maintain .eye-contact.

These indoor fireworks are brilliant

HAAAAHA look at the one on the left what the hell hahahawesome.

 

Never explain, never apologise. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.

My daughter just wrote a note to the tooth fairy. It included a series of questions and the attached footnote.

"i’m not a hipster but i can make your hips stir" i’m not water but i will drown you

The most British thing I’ve ever read.

Daphne sat for ages like this today. Maybe living with gays and watching Sister Act incessantly is to blame

A homoerotic fanart has accidentally been used as the official poster for #Thor 2 in China:

Over on Facebook the Muslims are cancelling Christmas again. I’m wondering if Facebook is getting Muslims confused with the Grinch.

This is also 100% genuine… A person dialled us on 999 to report that: “My friend has just stolen my heroin!” Seriously.

Daily Mail admits to completely fabricating expenses claims by Gordon Brown:  Make sure to share this far and wide.

Dont stop!!!!!

 

People telling how many sleeps it is until Christmas: That number reduces significantly if I knock you unconscious.

Best cable management ever.

My monkey’s had a typewriter for 14 years now and all he’s written is The Da Vinci Code and a series of Mrs Brown’s Boys. #disappointing

Fav phrase so far today: Mr. Miyagi didn’t teach the Karate Kid to believe in himself. He taught him how to kick people in the fucking head.

Salvation Army says “Gays Need to Be Put to Death” — consider that before deciding whom to donate to http://tgvnews.com/2013/06/salvat

*It’s A Wonderful World plays* 8yo: Is this Nelson Mandela singing? Me: No, Louis Armstrong. 6yo: Is he Neil Armstrong’s brother?

hahaha all you dopes reading this were forever denied access to heaven 21 years ago

#Thor‘s up all night for the Norse

Thor’s up all night with his horse

Thor’s up all night yeah of course

Thor’s up all night to get Loki

And on that sublime note,

toodles.

Buck.

Just a brief blog before bed. 3 days off (glorious, it’s felt like a holiday, I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow) and I’ve found my mojo again.

On Sunday I did some running on the treadmill, I forget what. Monday I set out to up the bar on my 3 mile best time. I managed 2½ miles at 6.20 m/m then cracked like an egg. To make up for it I went out and did a cold 10 mile run. My legs didn’t want to play, my breathing was tits, I thought I was going to have to turn back in the first mile. It got better in the second mile and then I found my rhythm. A shit slow rhythm, but a maintainable one. At the 5 mile point I was a minute off my default pace of 8 m/m so I girded my loins and upped the pace on the way back. One mile was 8.05, but I still managed to get back dead on 1 hour 20, ie 8m/m pace. I’ll take that.

Today I tried again on the tready, but broke after 1½ miles. I did a few more minutes at different speeds then reset the machine to 7½ m/m and went for 10 miles. This is different to outdoor running. On the one hand you don’t have to worry about your pace dropping off, but on the other you aren’t running to the next mile marker, you just have an hour and fifteen minutes to endure.

At the hour point I thought I’d better check what exactly ten miles is in French (stupid km/ h machine) and to my horror found it was 16.09 k’s. I was only at 11 something. I ramped up the speed to a sub 7 m/m pace and went for it. It nearly killed me but I battered the next mile and a half before realising I’d set it too fast and was going to easily make it. I slowed it down to just under 7 m/m for the last half mile. I finished 16.01 (slight confusion over where the ‘1’ was in my mind, so 80 meters short) in 1.12:54

I’ve just battered my brain working out that the .08 of a K is 80 meters, and at 7m/m pace that would take 20 seconds, so call it 1.13:14.

My target, on tired legs, was to do 30 seconds per mile faster than yesterday, which would have been 1.15, so I battered that and did a heroic and apparently unnecessary, catch up on the last two miles.

I’m happy with that.

 

I’ll give it two days to rest my legs a bit and then I’m going to raise the bar on the 3 mile pace. I’ve done 6½ m/m, this time I’m aiming for 6:15. Then it’s only 15 seconds per mile off starting that bloody evil training plan.

 

I’ve found the ideal race for getting me started on Mission Improbable. The Manchester marathon, the UK’s flattest. There are only 56 meters of elevation change on the whole course. It’s flat, it’ll be cool, and it’s local. The only downer is it’s in April, so it’s pretty early in the year (April 6th.) I’ve decided that’s going to be my first sub 3 hour marathon. It’s a tall order but they all are. I’ve got to get to 3 miles at 6 m/m ASAP then start the 20 week plan. As the race, I’ve just worked out, is 21 weeks this Sunday, it’s going to be an epic tall order. Rise to the challenge, fat lad.

This means I now have 4 marathons, the Warrington half marathon and the Outlaw triathlon next year.

Busy.

 

I have been eyeing up GPS watches. They are a great tool. They can tell you your distance, speed, and even remember your last run so you can race against yourself. They have a cool little display of two runners, you and past you. Or you and someone else’s data from that run. Or you and a pace setter. That is all kinds of groovy. They are also programmable to give you Heart Rate Monitor data. So you can run at a given exertion level, in a given HR ‘zone’, (supposed to be how to master your max effort. Mine only ever says “SLOW DOWN, YOU FAT OLD FOOL, YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!”   That’s normal, right?)

As always, with great desirability comes great big price tag. 

The top of the range, triathlete friendly one, is £300! There are others specifically for running, but they aren’t waterproof for swimming. I’m still torn on which one is most suitable. It’s not like my swimming is any good, and on an actual race would I wear it in the water? Actually, I suppose yes. If you’ve got a GPS watch you wouldn’t want to leave it in a bag overnight, with people coming and going and bags getting mixed and looked in.

Anyway, Wendy has said I should get myself one as an xmas prezzie. What a spiffing good egg.

 

Well, that was a boring entry. Sorry. It’s just that I’m glad to have got my finger out and got back into the mindset of ‘how hard can I push it? I can do better tomorrow. Call *that* pain? Bring it on!’

 

Right, to sleep. This new gig is early starts.

Toodles,

Buck.

What a farce this week was. I went in work on Monday and they officially told me that my job had been given to a full-timer and if I wanted any work I’d have to go to Crewe. They said to think about it and tell them on Tuesday.

I went in on Tuesday and they were surprised and confused. Apparently that was it on Monday; either commute 350 miles a week to Crewe or bugger off.

Oh.

I said I couldn’t do Crewe and was all set for going home, but then they swapped stuff around and sent me on my usual run after all. Bugger.

The agency rang me shortly after to tell me what I’d just found out, that I was without work. They said I could have Wednesday off, work Thursday and Friday for some other firm, then they’d put me back in Irlam on Monday on a different job, 0800 start. Nice one!

I’d barely put the ‘phone down when Irlam rang me on the truck ‘phone again. They had work for me in Knowsley. I said the agency had just been on and arranged work for me for the rest of the week, back in Irlam Monday. He said that was an ad hoc job and they wouldn’t need me Monday. *headsteeringwheel*

He rang the agency and then rang me back five minutes later about the Knowsley gig. “I’m going to make you this one time offer”,  “I’ve stuck my neck out to get you this”, “You either take this or that’s the end of your career with Ceva.”

Honestly. No shit. He actually said that bollocks.

I said I’d do it, just to shut him up.

I got finished at 23.45 on Tuesday, home and in bed for 0100, had to be up for 0745. I was already knackered, after a couple of long days, that was a killer.

I went in to do the “Trunking… It will be right up your street” only to find it was shunting around the yard and short distance general haulage. Ace.

This was picking up and dropping off pallets of newspapers. To new places I’d never been, down routes I didn’t know. I did the first run without too many problems. I came back, got tipped, and loaded. I set off to the second drop.

When I got there the whole load had tilted over.

It was all leant against one curtain. The papers were still on their pallets, still wrapped, but the wrap didn’t go around the pallet so they had just tipped sideways.  The depot refused the load and I had to take it back to the yard. On my first day at the new gig.

Then on the way back the M60 was bollocksed and I got stuck in it so went a few minutes over my driving time. I was thinking ‘ah well, at least I won’t have to face them tomorrow’ (as I’d be so sacked off.)

They told me to come in the next day! Are they mad?

I’ve learnt my lesson. Papers are bastards. Put as many straps as you can find on the bastards and go around every corner as slow as you can. Seems to work, I’ve done Thursday and Friday without incident.

When I finally got home on Wednesday night I thought I’d be sacked on Thursday as it would happen again. I honestly don’t know what I did wrong.  Just be extra, piss-takingly cautious on every bend.

The bright side to this new gig is the guy said he was overruled and forced to take an agency driver, he only wants full-timers.  I joked that I’d prefer to be a full-timer. He said, as the only agency guy, if I was any good I’d be the first choice as soon as something came up. If we can move on from that disastrous first day I’m in with a shout.

 

The other news is that I’ve set my baseline of fitness. It’s 3 miles at 6.30 m/m pace. I’ve ran it twice. Tonight I thought I was going to piss it, maybe speed it up or go longer, then suddenly at 2½ miles I was wrecked. I just wanted to stop. I had to really force myself to just keep going.  I was hoping I could set it to 6.40 m/m pace and properly start on #missionimprobable.  Sorry, that’s how I refer to it on Twitter. It looks stupid on here. Won’t happen again.

#missionimprobable.

OK, I lied.

 

Today was extra painful due to a work related injury. Hmm, someone should start a claims business in that.

Anyway, a lever at head height was stuck fast. I tried pushing it and hitting it, but it just hurt my hand. I resorted to gently persuading* it with my foot.  (*kicking the shit out of it.) Then one of my kicks missed and hit the base of the trailer (at chest height) my boot stopped dead but my foot carried on and smashed into the steel toecap of said boot.  I was giving it some welly and it was supposed to strike 18” higher so it was a big impact. I was hopping around for a few minutes in a world of pain.  My big toe, already a bit of a mess from running, is now all swollen and bruised. So tonight’s run was especially unpleasant.

 

Anyway, got to be up for 0550, better get to bed.

I’ll fill you in on the doings on Twitter next time.

Later

Buck.

As ever, interesting times.

A week and a half into Mission Improbable and I’ve had to re-evaluate my strategy. I arbitrarily set the bar at 6 minute/ mile and told my body to get a grip and get on with it. Ten days in and I was still dying at 1½ miles. I just couldn’t keep it going. The heat is incredible and I just can’t seem to breathe enough air in.

I did a quick re-think of my goals. First I have to concentrate on cracking the 3 hour barrier. Then, the next year possibly try to win a marathon. With this in mind I went on to the Runner’s World website and found a sub 3 marathon plan. Week 1, day 3: Run 3 miles at 6m/m.

Oh.

Second rethink.

Do what I should have done from the offset; find my body’s baseline of fitness and build from there. Today I ran 2 miles at 7 m/m, that was no problem at least. I was worried my fitness in going long had completely gone. Without pausing I cranked it up to 6½ m/m and did a mile and a half.

I’m going to try again tomorrow just at 6½ m/m pace. If three miles is the starting fast distance I need to know what my maximum speed is and build from there. Also today I had a genius thought and went to the charity shop near us that deals in home furnishings and electrical goods and got a fan on a stand. It looks like it could do that “Maxell; break the sound barrier” thing.

Yeah, keeping it real for the yoof of today with my contemporary cultural references.

Anywho, see how I fare tomorrow with coolness.

 

In other news, I got a text this morning saying to ring work, (the haulage company, not the agency) did so, seems they have too many drivers at Irlam and have no further use for me, but want me to work out of Crewe.

That would be a 70 mile daily commute, and I know they have already told Crewe depot that it is being closed before March next year.

Bugger.

In the grand scheme of things it might be a good thing. I’m not on good money or great shifts and there is no prospect of me being taken on off the agency here, it’s just that I know this job and am very comfortable doing it. I’m scared of trying something new. Now I have no choice. Ho hum.

I’ve applied for one with Walkers Crisps working out of Birchwood and I’ll apply for some more on Monday morning when the agencies are up and running.

Buggery bugger! Not good with being assessed or doing new things. It’s all just driving, I shouldn’t get stressed, but there you go.

 

Wendy’s having loads of issues with that gall bladder thing. She got a letter last week saying she has and appointment to see the consultant on the 14th of November. She was up from 2200 until 0700 nearly crying with the pain again last night. Wankers.

Screw that, if I get it I’ll whip the bastard out myself. It’s right near the front, how hard can it be?

 

But what of Twitter? Glad you asked.

 

The DMreporter had:

JAMES FORSYTH: “Using 15 perfect quotes from conveniently anonymous sources I masterfully dissect Westminster gossip. I am amazing.”

FREE SPEECH: McCann’s taunted by vile internet trolls. Inside – we print them all for your disgust. The comments are unmoderated #wink.

AMANDA PLATELL’S WORDS OF COMFORT: “No wonder Madonna is studying Islam, it will allow her to wear a veil and hide her aged face.”

DISGRACE: BBC defends Alan Yentob’s monstrous £330,000 salary. “It’s shocking greed” said Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre (£1.8m per annum).

COMMERCE: Tesco to open range of Food Bank Express™ stores in a bid to capture the growing ‘poverty stricken urban dweller’ demographic.

OSBORNE: “Either we give our nuclear energy market over to the Communists or we let the British unions win.”

USA of AMERICA: Congress borrow $236bn on the first day since government shutdown, most of it going towards their British Gas bill.

WORKFARE: Illegal immigrant detainment camps go be be merged with Poundland.

POWER: Church of England calls for energy firms to use their profits to help mankind. “You first” said a British Gas spokesman.

ENERGY: British Gas chairman blames ‘unavoidable’ price rises on ‘wars and the environment and stuff, plus I’d quite like a boat.’

HEATING: People who take off jumpers because they’re too warm may be liable for a wardrobe tax, confirm government.

SCIENCE: Owen Paterson urges UK geneticists to breed badgers with targets on their back.

FEMININISM: Women – know your place

TECHNOLOGY: David Cameron advises all parents worried about children being exposed to violent imagery on Facebook to “put on a jumper.”

PROUD GRANDAD: Prince George’s first words said to be ‘heavily critical of British post-war industrial architecture.’

COST: 1% pay rises, 3% inflation, 10% fuel hike, 11% MP pay rises, 33% undervaluing of Royal Mail. We ask, when will the immigrants go home?

 

 

In politics/ tory scum we had:

UKIPtips (subsection) : Disguise racist conversations with fellow Ukippers in public by substituting the word ‘badgers’ for ‘muslims’.

Israel has broke 65 U.N resolutions with no consequences. Iraq broke two and got invaded, bombed and destroyed.”

Like, how did we as a society get to a place where it’s normal to work 40+ hour weeks & still be in poverty, & get MOCKED for it?

If I’m understanding the GOP, as long as Obama keeps giving health care to children born poor, they’ll never be motivated to be born rich.

David Cameron: scourge of benefit tourism. But challenged by the EU to show evidence it’s happening, he’s produce zilch in three years.

Top Q from Graham Jones Lab MP: why is intervening in the market all right in the mortgage market but not the energy market?

I see Asda have a food bank trolley in their store. Of course, they could just pay their workers. #workfare #slavelabour

#Libdem @DavidLaws tells teachers to ‘live in real world’, world where you can fiddle £40,000 of public money +keep your job eh Mr Laws ???

The Danny Alexander Cookbook has just been published. Every recipe starts with "First clear up the mess left by Labour".

"I’d respect Gove’s passion for unqualified teachers more if he agreed to be operated on by an unqualified surgeon."

Tory MP David Davies said that receiving housing benefit was like “knocking on neighbour’s doors asking for money”. http://bit.ly/178uyo4

whereas Tory donors dodging billions in tax is like kicking neighbours’ doors in, robbing them and trashing it.

May says the racist van was a "blunt instrument". I didn’t know it was actually supposed to hit immigrants.

In an early contender for Understatement of the 21st Century, Sir John Major believes ‘Iain Duncan Smith’s genius’ is "unproven."

 

 

And lovely General was general. And lovely.

(Serious note first. If you’ve not read this I suggest you give it a go. It’s gobsmacking: ) What happened to Madeleine McCann? Read what the Portuguese say. The interim report of Tavares de Almeida #McCann …http://whathappenedtomadeleinemccann.blogspot.com/2011/03/interim-report-of-tavares-de-almeida-of.html?spref=tw …

As my chum Tommy just pointed out, only the Mail would draw our attention to the "stare" and the "smirk" of an E-FIT of the McCann suspect.

Let’s not forget the McCanns left twin babies alone as well as Madelaine. Total neglect

Do you have any information about a crime you have kept to yourself for 6 years? If so, the Police would like to hear from you

 

Just saw a headline of "SLASH BENEFITS FOR EU MIGRANTS". Disappointed to realise Slash isn’t performing a series of benefit concerts.

Celebrating Columbus Day the way our forefathers intended, by walking into other peoples’ homes and announcing that I live there now.

People who seem to think I should be embarrassed by being in favour of benefits; got a big bag of fucks here. I’m afraid you can’t have any

TLFtravelalerts had:

The signals at Bank proclaim ‘The Timetable is dead’. Ditto a coherent sense of objective truth. Nietzschean delays due to perspectivism.

Severe delays on the Metropolitan line due to a track failure at ha ha ha, not really, it’s because of dragons.

Ironically, the Bus King absolutely hates impromptu street music.

 

Bunch of girls parked in disabled spot, had decency to be embarrassed. To mate "Well you’re a spacker." Keep it classy ladies

VeryBritishProblems had:

The shock of someone telling you how they are after you ask them how they are

Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

Apologising to the person who just shattered your hip with their shopping trolley

 

“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” A. Lamott.

Here’s something fun to do. sneak out of bed and get your feet muddy then tell your partner next morn you had a dream about killing someone

Sat in Asda’s cafe with a sausage roll, 5yr old son turns to me and says "Oh Mum… this is the life!" Thank God for his low expectations.

Did Prince Charles actually just say ‘your grandchildren and mine’ will struggle in the future!? #IsHeFuckingKiddingMe

The British Gas #AskBG session is going well then.

I remember the last time the tories were in, the ‘joke’ then was "what’s blue and fucks pensioners? Hypothermia." Nothing changes. #bastards

An official from British Gas says that a price rise doesn’t mean energy bills will rise too…unless you use the same amount as you do now.

Since 1990, 1433 people have died in police custody or after police “contact”. Who trusts the police?

60% of public say they trust the police. 60% of white, rich, never-had-anything-to-do-with-the-police people, presumably

Homophobia is a lifestyle choice.

"Crime does not pay!" -Crime intern

Well. Those stiffer sentences will certainly make me re-think slavery as an option.

One of the account directors just bragged that the security on the website we’re building will be "as tough as the Maginot Line".

Probably reasonable to wear an extra jumper for warmth if your house is the size of Norfolk and your boiler was designed to burn millhands.

It’s 00:10. FOR AMERICA: Six Book to Film Adaptations That Make Us Sad Inside – http://wstonesoxfordst.tumblr.com/post/64381767725/six-book-to-film-adaptations-that-make-us-sad-inside …

 

Funny how you never see the words "DEEP PENETRATING" on shampoo made for men.

Just done three lines of Demerara sugar. Off my tits.

WHY DON’T MUSLIN MANUFACTURERS PUBLICLY DENOUNCE THE EVIL OF THEIR WRINKLE-INFESTED FABRIC? WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL TOO.

X Factor. A small, sickly sparrow takes the stage and dies. The judges unanimously declare it an eagle and confirm it is alive and well.

Dear Americans: Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005. Since then, it’s been sodomy 24/7. Can’t even finish a tweet without being sodo

(Spoof IDS account wrote) My salary is £65,000 a year. After petrol, food and housing are deducted I’m only left with £65,000 a year. I deserve an 11% pay rise.

Camouflage Dog

"Mommy, are you a doctor?" "Yes, I am a PhD doctor." "Oh, you are a pretend doctor." Wait, what? You’re two. It starts this early?

Powerful Ads Use Real Google Searches to Show the Scope of Sexism Worldwide

http://www.adweek.com/adfreak/powerful-ads-use-real-google-searches-show-scope-sexism-worldwide-153235

You should not fear that you are alone and meaningless in the universe. I mean, you are, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it.

Word. RT @captainjenneger: @sullenhearts I love hedgehogs but I wouldn’t want to squeeze one out of my fanny.

I asked people who had reported harassment or assault to their employer to tell me what happened after. 23 of 25 were fired within 3mos.

So, we’re knitting hats for juice bottles to help old people stay warm this winter. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d prefer a welfare state.

BOOK FACT: If you tear a page out of a book and hold it up to the light, you are a monster. Please stop defacing the books.

A POWERFUL boat with a reinforced hull and specially-shaped bow makes an excellent icebreaker at parties and meetings.

Oh, "shoplifters and proud" that looks like an even, balanced and insightful examination of the issues of the sub class.

There isn’t a single hair left anywhere on Brody. Was he smuggled out of America in a barrel of Veet? #homeland

Weekends. The sprinkle of transient and ephemeral delight on the dog turd of life.

Subway customer advice…

 

If you cycle home from work you are probably already quite fit. Don’t forget to tell people this all the time.

Npower: no corporation tax in three years and £35million in bonuses for bosses

Things NPower would prefer you not to know: http://bit.ly/1eDX1Un "

Nigella Farage advised: Give Italian food an English twist by replacing all the ingredients with a Ginsters steak slice.

Re energy bills Cameron insists it’s about giving customers more choice. If they’re not happy they can simply switch from heating to eating.

Being human means learning to see the common humanity in us all

Work out your TOWIE name by simply taking your own name and giving it a spray tan and some unnecessary cosmetic surgery.

Preacher tells parents to punch gay children, crack their "limp-wrists": http://bit.ly/17Hr8Ft

Well, I’ve just cut a clown in half and I can tell you, there’s no silver lining. What? Cloud? What do you mean ‘cloud’? Oh. Oops.

#Poland Roman #Catholic archbishop says ‘children partly responsible for #sexual abuse!’

I once wrote "Halloween" in school & my teacher said "WRONG! it’s Hallowe’en" so I pretended the apostrophe stood for MrsHughesIsABigBitch.

Still the undisputed Newspaper Correction champion

They talk all about how much George looks like William. If you mention how much Harry looks like James Hewitt, it’s “bad taste”. #SkyPapers

#genius quote from Tom Clancy: " The difference between fiction and reality is fiction has to make sense."

WORK CHEAT: If you press up, down, left, right, A, B, C on your laptop keyboard, you’ll be 20 seconds closer to the end of the day.

Just had an email conversation with CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK. I think I’ve gone deaf in both eyes.

Ealing comedies have prepared me so poorly for life. Just followed two men carrying a pane of glass for six miles. Nothing.

1. growth is picking up, but it’s been held down unnecessarily 2. to whom are the proceeds of that growth going? 3. Cost of living crisis.

There’s nothing luckier than a rabbit’s foot. Until an angry three-legged rabbit arrives at your house with all his pals and a baseball bat.

Recovery? Wages ↑ 0.7% Gas ↑ 45% Stamp ↑ 56% Water ↑ 20% Rail ↑ 27% Bus ↑ 22% Rent ↑ 15% Electric ↑ 39% Food ↑ 19%

No man is an island. Except maybe Barry White.

1 Turning the corner 2 On Path to Prosperity… Cul-de-sac of credit? Deleveraging Drive? Roundabout of Rebalancing? Living standards Lane?

Seeds Of thought Grow in my hand Reaching Grasping To understand

Just saw a special on @NatGeo about snakes who are DEVELOPING THE ABILITY TO FLY FROM TREETOPS. #goodbyesleep

Don’t forget that tonight the clocks are still a tool of OPPRESSION built by the MAN to keep us DOWN.

What is it with poetry on twitter? It always involves touching of souls and shit.

 

And that’s your lot.

Toodles,

Buck.

PS This is the best news story in the history of ever! I lol-ed and lol-ed.

http://www.smh.com.au/wa-news/woman-charged-after-police-find-man-in-a-dinosaur-onesie-joyriding-on-bonnet-20131020-2vuno.html

Finally got my arse into gear this weekend.

Admittedly I couldn’t really start my Mission Improbable training any earlier, my knee was knackered after that marathon so I had to rest it. I could have started everything else, mind.

I picked up my pencil and tattoo gun today. I can’t draw a bath, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

It took me an hour or so to work out how to get the bloody tattoo gun assembled and working. I did the tracing and printing thing on some fake skin they sent with it (didn’t do too well, first one I wiped off!) then set to tattooing it. I was at it about half an hour when the power pack for the gun made a cracking noise and that was that. Marvellous.

I’ve ordered a new power pack, this time with a fuse, (who builds electrical goods or plugs without a fuse? I didn’t even think to check.) for a princely £7.99 with P&P.

I think you’ll agree I’ve pretty much mastered the art though;

 

So, who’s first?

OK, maybe a little more practice.

I’ve set myself an arbitrary goal of having it cracked by the time I’m 50, which is over 2½ years away.

 

I started dieting last week as well. This time it’s serious. I need to get down to 9 to 9½ stone I reckon. I’m going to look wretched but it’s not about the aesthetic, it’s trying to shift the least lard at the fastest pace for 26.2 miles. Which is, as I’ve already mention, my Mission Improbable.

I started that yesterday. It’s even harder than I remembered. I kind of thought with my endurance training and such I would be fit enough to go fast, but it’s a whole different ball game. I warmed up then put it at 6 m/m pace and went for it. Within 2 minutes the sweat was streaming off me, I was gasping for air (there just wasn’t any) and I was dying to quit. I had a mile starting point in mind though so I forced myself to do the full six minutes.

So.

Hard.

Then, just for shit and giggles I tried the 5 m/m pace I need to be at. One minute was all I could take. So, just 134 more minutes to go.

Today I did 6 m/m again, I was feeling fine for 4 minutes thought I was on for at least 2 miles, then at 5½ minutes it hit me really hard. I managed to do 7 minutes though. If I could improve by a minute a day it would only take me 150 days to get to marathon distance. I can’t see that happening, but you never know, I might adjust to the pace. I hope so. Then I have to start all over again at 5 m/m. It really is an Everest of an ambition.

Tomorrow it’s another run and drawing practice in the morning, then back on my bike to work and back to the German at work.  I’m doing The Outlaw next year so I need to be bike fit. Think I’ll just throw in a few swims nearer the time. I have way too much to be going on with as it is.

I was thinking if I can get it down to a steady 5 m/m for marathon lengths I may as well have a go at the 4 m/m for a sprint. I’m almost certain I won’t get that, but you know, something to think about.

Also, if I do get my sub 2.30 marathon (2.15 is my goal!) maybe I could keep up that training and learn proper swimming. Do one blistering Ironman. If I did it as I turn 50 I’ll be the youngest in the (50-54) group. It’s worth a thought.

 

Wendy’s having a rough old time of it.  She’s had 3 attacks of her agonising gall stone thing this week. Her works have told her to stay off sick. She’s got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow concerning it. We are desperately hoping that they are going to give her a surgery date. Poor sausage. She’s munching cocodamol but they don’t stop the pain. There’s nothing she can do but take it and wait for it to go off.  She’s suffering now. Not a damn thing I can do about it.

 

I’ll round up the week on Twitter then check up on her.

 

The DMreporter had;

HEALTH: ‘Raw vegetables are the key to eternal life’ says woman, 29.

 

 

In politics/ tory scum we had;

Either the Tories aren’t really "for hardworking people" or NHS staff aren’t hardworking people. Must be the latter. Tories wouldn’t lie.

I am glad Tommy Robinson has left the English Defence League. There is no place for extremists in a racist, neo-fascist organisation

Oh for christssake RT @bbcsomerset Owen Paterson: "I’m not moving the goalposts, the badgers are moving the goalposts!"

THE BADGERS ARE MOVING THE GOALPOSTS

Imagine a government that admits it gets out-thought by a few badgers. Then imagine that govt running the country. Result? Ian Duncan Smith.

 

 

And my favest of faves, General;

I walked home past a teenager boasting to her friends that she makes "the maddest soups."

Southland School Bus Driver Recruitment

This newspaper cutting from @anthony_mcgowan made my wife snort tea out through her nostrils

Watching The Story Of The Ottomans. Sofa so good.

 

Telekinetic Coffee Shop Surprise – the best bit of viral marketing you’ll see today. http://t.co/R8qlMPXsK0

That WWF logo is rubbish, no way would I have associated it with the wrestling. This is better.

 

Brilliant bit of British understatement on @simonmayo ‘s 3 word Wednesday: "Hope parachute opens."

The there’s this, (read the replies) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis

I was personally quite relived by that last one, I read it as a hashtag and thought it said penis *breaker*.

I cried as I took apart my Russian doll until I realised it was just an onion.

TLF TravelAlerts mentioned:

Due to an unexpected rise in the number of badgers on the District line, there are currently minor delays to our topical references.

"Try to write their name in a silly way so they’ll think it’s a cute mistake and Instagram the cup" – Starbucks training manual.

Friday comes in the form of a goat. It tries to eat your duvet, your socks and your bathroom. You realise it isn’t Friday. It’s just a goat.

Very disappointed to find that @at isn’t a Star Wars themed account.

‘When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledge hammer it’s ‘art’. When I do it I’m asked to leave B&Q.

England vs Montenegro! Will Wilshere start? Will England win? One thing’s for sure: By the end of it, we’ll all be that bit closer to death.

Dacre: "Out in the real world, it was a pretty serious week for news." Mail Online headline: "Samantha Cameron’s boots are a bit shit."

Apparently LSD makes you lose weight..Not surprising when you realize a giant dragon is guarding the fridge

What makes this, is the kitten’s expression.

The internet in a nutshell;

One of the biggest problems in the fashion industry, summarized in one sentence.

Lightning inside a volcanic ash cloud

 

And that’s your lot folks.

Later,

Buck.